The suicidal thoughts are becoming more real..

[[Ch...]]

The best way to put it is I used to imagine having a gun to my head and never actually pulling the trigger but now pulling the trigger seems very easy..

 

I don't have a gun nor a plan to do anything but these thoughts are just so relentless

[[Be...]]

I know the feeling very well.

 

I gave up on life about 4 months ago but I keep myself alive so that those who love me don't have to live with the pain of my loss.

 

I'm curious, would that philosophy keep you safe, too?

 

 

Jobe

 

 

[[Ra...]]

Sounds like intrusive thoughts. Do you want to act on the thoughts or are they completely against your moral codes? I think maybe your body and mind is feeling that large cut you made...

[[Dr...]]

    I'm not sure anymore if the cuts have anything to do with it. I thought I went fairly slowly, it did take eight months...who knows? Yes, I see others who have done some very fine tapers. I, unfortunately had to go with the amount of pills I had left because the idiot doctor who got me here in the first place stopped using my insurance company and just told me he was not my doctor anymore. Great way out. When the insanity began he was the first person I though about killing. The only reason I did not is because, well, I guess I'm just not the homicidal type. But also prison is just not the place for me.

    I too have been thinking about suicide lately. I used to love life so much. To think all of this hell began simply because I wanted to get a better nights sleep. I actually went out an bought a shotgun. Too hard to get a handgun. I keep the shells out of it. But they are on a shelf so I can see them. Oh what a lovely mess they would make. Glad I don't have to clean it up.

    But I'm still holding on to the memory of the good times. There were so many. I want them back and I'm going to continue to be patient. I hope. But at least now I have the means to stop this insanity if it does not stop itself.

 

 

[[Ra...]]

    I'm not sure anymore if the cuts have anything to do with it. I thought I went fairly slowly, it did take eight months...who knows? Yes, I see others who have done some very fine tapers. I, unfortunately had to go with the amount of pills I had left because the idiot doctor who got me here in the first place stopped using my insurance company and just told me he was not my doctor anymore. Great way out. When the insanity began he was the first person I though about killing. The only reason I did not is because, well, I guess I'm just not the homicidal type. But also prison is just not the place for me.

    I too have been thinking about suicide lately. I used to love life so much. To think all of this hell began simply because I wanted to get a better nights sleep. I actually went out an bought a shotgun. Too hard to get a handgun. I keep the shells out of it. But they are on a shelf so I can see them. Oh what a lovely mess they would make. Glad I don't have to clean it up.

    But I'm still holding on to the memory of the good times. There were so many. I want them back and I'm going to continue to be patient. I hope. But at least now I have the means to stop this insanity if it does not stop itself.

 

I can appreciate the pain you are feeling man. I doubt killing yourself is in your best interests. That is not the satisfaction you want to give to the scum who poisoned you with these drugs or the people who have tried to belittle you. We are here for you at BB talk to us.

[[sa...]]

I can totally empathize. I want to end it but really don't. Have constant thoughts about it all day everyday. I'm scared I'll be impulsive. Feel pretty hopeless.

[[gr...]]

Suicicde is very hard to accomplish. Unless you have a firearm like Dream...dream everyone, i understand this all too well.

I wish we had a off/on switch we could hit and just have it over with.

 

Other times i feel like im dying slowly anyway...like a balloon with a slow leak.

Lets all pray that the depression lifts.

[[Ch...]]

Hey everyone...

 

Jobe, I think that's very true, if I offed myself my mom would go off the deep end..  So I guess I always know that and I realize how much distress it would cause.

 

No I don't want to act on them, at least not yet and yes I would agree they are intrusive thoughts, though I never really thought of that.. And that large cut was months ago and I sure felt it but that's over.

 

I don't know if the cuts affect it anymore either...

 

Groovy I'm sorry your having such a hard time with all this bs

[[Dr...]]

To all here. Today has been very rough.  :'(  Not that that is so different anymore. I must have thought about suicide at least ten times today already. I agree with Chard about what Jobe said too. Although a lot of the family think this is all in my head...duh!      I know there are still a few who get it and would be hurt if I got out of here.

 

Two days ago I did finally convince one of my nephews to get on the BB with me and take a look at what is going on and see how many people have been affected by these terrible drugs. We spent about thirty minutes on and I could here the shock finally sinking in. His first statement afterward was to sat "I can't believe that there is not a class action suit against the doctors or the pharmaceutical companies. Somebody!"  I tried to explain it to him. You know...all of the lame excuses etc. Well, at least now he has a much better picture of why I am freaking out all of the time.

 

You all take care. The gun is still unloaded so don't fret about me. Peace to you all.  :smitten: :smitten:

[[gr...]]

All I know is I cant live like this for ever. Its not human. Its very sub human. My depression plus the wd is just too much most of the time. I cant sleep at all. I find my health just deteriorating constantly. Im so weak and tired. my God why do we have to suffer like this.

 

Im Netherlands they actually euthanize people with treatment resistant depression. Now that is a true kindness when they realize the pure suffering of someone enough to allow this.

 

I wish the USA would recognize this. I hate it when someone says...ohhh that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Dont tell me that crap when ive tried over 12 ADs. therapy and everything else under the sun for 9 yrs now.

 

This is not a life, its a living hell.

[[Dr...]]

I'm sorry groove, that I just don't know the words to say to you to make you feel better. Even while in this derealization state I'm in what you said is very painful. I really feel sympathy for you but there is nothing I can do. I guess I just wanted you to know that I "grok" what you are saying.  You please stay as cool as you can.

[[gr...]]

I'm sorry groove, that I just don't know the words to say to you to make you feel better. Even while in this derealization state I'm in what you said is very painful. I really feel sympathy for you but there is nothing I can do. I guess I just wanted you to know that I "grok" what you are saying.  You please stay as cool as you can.

 

TY Dream...it is what it is. All i can do is taper off this crap and hope it at least improves to a manageable level.

[[Ch...]]

All I know is I cant live like this for ever. Its not human. Its very sub human. My depression plus the wd is just too much most of the time. I cant sleep at all. I find my health just deteriorating constantly. Im so weak and tired. my God why do we have to suffer like this.

 

Im Netherlands they actually euthanize people with treatment resistant depression. Now that is a true kindness when they realize the pure suffering of someone enough to allow this.

 

I wish the USA would recognize this. I hate it when someone says...ohhh that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Dont tell me that crap when ive tried over 12 ADs. therapy and everything else under the sun for 9 yrs now.

 

This is not a life, its a living hell.

 

The fact you feel that horrible with life is just completely fu**ed

 

You should try this thing..

 

http://www.fisherwallace.com

[[gr...]]

This is like ECT treatment Rich...very mild version though. Not much juice going through it i doubt.

 

Its hard to find reviews on them, i have looked.

 

If they worked, everyone with depression would have one i would think.

Thanks for thinking of it, i just prefer to get rid of the meds that CAUSE depression. Its why i worry about you and trying the gaba.

[[Be...]]

In this world, they'll put an animal down that is suffering too much, but here in the US, can't do it for humans. 

[[gr...]]

In this world, they'll put an animal down that is suffering too much, but here in the US, can't do it for humans.

 

Not for depression, and depression sufferers suffer as much as someone with a chronic terminal disease. Those of you that suffer will understand that statement, those that dont wont.

 

If i had the money Id move to the netherlands, switzerland...etc.

 

Oregon and Washington state have euthanization for those who are terminal and suffering, but not depression.

[Guest [Mo...]]

In this world, they'll put an animal down that is suffering too much, but here in the US, can't do it for humans.

 

Not for depression, and depression sufferers suffer as much as someone with a chronic terminal disease. Those of you that suffer will understand that statement, those that dont wont.

 

If i had the money Id move to the netherlands, switzerland...etc.

 

Oregon and Washington state have euthanization for those who are terminal and suffering, but not depression.

 

The Netherlands don't euthanize depressed people..... 

[[gr...]]

In this world, they'll put an animal down that is suffering too much, but here in the US, can't do it for humans.

 

Not for depression, and depression sufferers suffer as much as someone with a chronic terminal disease. Those of you that suffer will understand that statement, those that dont wont.

 

If i had the money Id move to the netherlands, switzerland...etc.

 

Oregon and Washington state have euthanization for those who are terminal and suffering, but not depression.

 

The Netherlands don't euthanize depressed people..... 

 

Yes they do Moo...here is a link to one discussion of it

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/02/03/the-dutch-debate-doctor-assisted-suicide-for-depression.html

[Guest [Mo...]]

In this world, they'll put an animal down that is suffering too much, but here in the US, can't do it for humans.

 

Not for depression, and depression sufferers suffer as much as someone with a chronic terminal disease. Those of you that suffer will understand that statement, those that dont wont.

 

If i had the money Id move to the netherlands, switzerland...etc.

 

Oregon and Washington state have euthanization for those who are terminal and suffering, but not depression.

 

The Netherlands don't euthanize depressed people..... 

 

Yes they do Moo...here is a link to one discussion of it

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/02/03/the-dutch-debate-doctor-assisted-suicide-for-depression.html

 

Holy crap, Groove! Wow, lots has changed....

Luckily there is a panel. I wanted to die many times over during Ativan. The depression was excruciating.

I will probably be moving back home next year to Amsterdam. And not need this service....

 

It's too sad for words that this happens for so many people...

 

 

 

[[sa...]]

I want to go away too. I've lost everythiñg that was meaningful in my life. Don't want to rebuild. Tired of fighting for a life that feels over. Tired of worrying about two more need tapers. Too chicken to end it. I'm scared. Feel hopeless. Have great friends who would do anything for me but there is nothing that can be done. Help.

[[Ch...]]

Hey everyone...

 

Jobe, I think that's very true, if I offed myself my mom would go off the deep end..  So I guess I always know that and I realize how much distress it would cause.

 

No I don't want to act on them, at least not yet and yes I would agree they are intrusive thoughts, though I never really thought of that.. And that large cut was months ago and I sure felt it but that's over.

 

I don't know if the cuts affect it anymore either...

 

Groovy I'm sorry your having such a hard time with all this bs

 

As a mom myself, I hope for all of you and your family's sake that you try your best to keep this in mind.  If one of my children chose suicide, I'd never ever get over it. 

Challis

[[gr...]]

Yes I keep it mind, but i dont know what to do if this doesnt get better. I have no energy, im so depressed day in and day out.

Im in bed for 16 hrs a day cuz its hard to move at all. The wd would be alot easier if it werent for my depression.

 

Moo

I find the fact that they recognize depression as a major illlness, and if untreatable allow the suffering to end, a very kind thing to do.

 

Im not talking about being sad, im talking major depression with no quality of life and not being able to function at all.

It is a terrible terrible way to live and if its constant, for years like me, geez be compassionate and let the suffering end.

 

Those that can work, go out, eat and function...I think are treatable. This is a very touchy subject obviously and i understand that. Problem is if someone has never had deep deep depression that just cripples a person...they have no idea how terrible it is.

 

Everyone should seek help if thinking of harming themselves. Im just tired though...9 yrs of this is just getting to be too much.

[[Be...]]

I remember seeing animals with mad cow disease, shaking and not able to walk.  They put them down.  I shake all day and not able to walk much or eat.  This isn't fair.  If I seek help for being suicidal what will they do for me?  Give me more pills and make the problem worse.  No one can help me anymore. 

[[gr...]]

I remember seeing animals with mad cow disease, shaking and not able to walk.  They put them down.  I shake all day and not able to walk much or eat.  This isn't fair.  If I seek help for being suicidal what will they do for me?  Give me more pills and make the problem worse.  No one can help me anymore.

 

This is me also, i can hardly walk. I dont know how much is wd, how much is depression or how much is from being bedridden for 14 months now. Someone put me down please.

[[sn...]]

I'm so depressed and the suicidal thoughts are relentless.  I keep praying to God to make them stop.  I never get a break.  I want to live and make it through this but I have tried everything.  I'm trusting in God and taking second by second.  I cry all day long and freak out.  I have twin boys and they are 21 years old.  They are the best.  If it weren't for this memory loss and depression I could hold onto hope, but if I make it through this I will be so thankful.

 

Dear God please be with us all?

 

Love you all,

Deborah