6-12 month thread....

[[mr...]]

Love you Whoot

[[Mo...]]

I know that silly fear of having a shower...Not sure why though..I'm not afraid of falling I'm just afraid.

Today its bringing me to my knees.  Begging God to stop it....it's mental anguish.

I need constant reassurance that it will get better.  Sorry guys.

Thank you for hanging out with me today.  I don't know what I would do without you.

I can't believe how much you can cry on a bad day.  Keeping Kleenex in business at least. 

It all gets better right....it's not me....right....this is withdrawal and it will get better....right?

 

Yes, it gets waaaaay better.  Even with the hell I feel now, it's better then the worst I have experienced.  I don't think I have gone crazy for a very long time.  Don't even have the intrusive thoughts much.  My fears are more health because constantly ignoring this is against our bodies warning system. 

 

Yes, it absolutely gets better...

[[wh...]]

Thanks guys

Mrsalw  Love you....thank you

It's getting a bit better.

Im still alive.....totally opposite of what my brain told me......

[[Mo...]]

Thank you for validating my concerns Jenny and Coop.  Allison also sent me a pm and some people responded to the thread I started.  Green and I have also conversed on it, but I can only ignore for so long and then it wears me down.  I can only go without sleep for so long and then I crash.

 

I assume it's like the head pressure you have Coop.  It's scary because it feels like something is wrong up there.  I have this vision of a gland pumping pumping pumping out toxin to my system.  I will get the blood test done to check everything else.  It's been sitting on my desk for a week. 

 

Thank you again. 

[[mr...]]

Thanks guys

Mrsalw  Love you....thank you

It's getting a bit better.

Im still alive.....totally opposite of what my brain told me......

 

This happens, over and over again!!  You will live, and live, and live, and live!!  The thoughts & feelings are just that -- thoughts and feelings.  Nothing more.  You WILL live, and thrive!!  It is coming, Whoot.  A little more time is all its going to take.

 

Your hunny will be home soon   Hooray!  Enjoy your evening together

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Happy day of progress, Nova! 11 months of hours passing, chopping wood, carrying water, making soup. Well done.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Whoot....if you are afraid to get off the couch...its ok...stay on the couch until Mr.Whoot gets home. I had days in which I was afraid to get our of bed to go to the bathroom...Whootie its going to get better...I promise.  Its ok to be scared silly ...just get through it with the least amount of resistance ...on days this bad it takes up too much mental energy to resist it....use that energy to soothe and comfort yourself.  I hope your awful day gets a little less scary when Mr Whoot is sitting on the couch with you. Take care Whoot....copp

[[pe...]]

I am feeling crazy and fine at the same time. I don't understand how these two can coincide. It's exhausting. I feel unrelenting stress, like I'm in a stress sandwhich. I also feel out of it, but I feel lucid, like a spectator of the crazy state of my brain. The one part is constantly telling the other part to get with it. So far the lucid part is winning. I'm counting on this to continue but afraid the working part could be lost to the fatigue and duration of this mess. And on and on.

 

Anybody else have the dueling banjos playing this song?

Peace2

[[...]]

Hi guys;

 

Last week:

Sunday - great

Monday- depression

Tuesday- great

Wednesday- great

Thurs- trending down

Friday- bad anguish desperation anxiety

Sat- same

Sunday - depression all day through bed time

Monday - morn anxiety then wonderful

Today,Tuesday - dark depression all day 9 pm and still horrible

 

I was getting depression waves every other day for quite some time.Last week the pattern changed where I had consecutive days of windows. I really thought I had turned the corner particularly with the depression every other day. Now seems like the every other day depression pattern has returned and the thought of that, is destroying me.

 

Does any one here still get the deep dark depression that last from the moment you wake to moment you fall a sleep? How about the every other day pattern?

I'm just so spent with the depression part of this WD. I feel so hopeless and can use any encouragement. Had a doc visit today & he continues to says hang on this will end. I'm happy I had some back to back good days last week,just need this depression to ease.

 

Thx, jrod

 

 

 

[[mr...]]

Hi guys;

 

Last week:

Sunday - great

Monday- depression

Tuesday- great

Wednesday- great

Thurs- trending down

Friday- bad anguish desperation anxiety

Sat- same

Sunday - depression all day through bed time

Monday - morn anxiety then wonderful

Today,Tuesday - dark depression all day 9 pm and still horrible

 

I was getting depression waves every other day for quite some time.Last week the pattern changed where I had consecutive days of windows. I really thought I had turned the corner particularly with the depression every other day. Now seems like the every other day depression pattern has returned and the thought of that, is destroying me.

 

Does any one here still get the deep dark depression that last from the moment you wake to moment you fall a sleep? How about the every other day pattern?

I'm just so spent with the depression part of this WD. I feel so hopeless and can use any encouragement. Had a doc visit today & he continues to says hang on this will end. I'm happy I had some back to back good days last week,just need this depression to ease.

 

Thx, jrod

 

It sure does go away, JRod. You're doing awesome! Symptoms changing/cycling is a good thing!! Good to hear from you

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Thank you for validating my concerns Jenny and Coop.  Allison also sent me a pm and some people responded to the thread I started.  Green and I have also conversed on it, but I can only ignore for so long and then it wears me down.  I can only go without sleep for so long and then I crash.

 

I assume it's like the head pressure you have Coop.  It's scary because it feels like something is wrong up there.  I have this vision of a gland pumping pumping pumping out toxin to my system.  I will get the blood test done to check everything else.  It's been sitting on my desk for a week. 

 

Thank you again.

 

M, you're doing a lot, kids, marriage, job, in withdrawal.  That's probably the best way to get through this, just proceed with your life.  But it is taxing, it has to be.  Hell, I did that, and it was hard when I wasn't in withdrawal.  Maybe try to find some quiet time just for you.  And get the blood tests, lol.  Feel better. 

PS  My sweats stopped for the time.  Now I have diarrhea :'(

[[Gr...]]

I am feeling crazy and fine at the same time. I don't understand how these two can coincide. It's exhausting. I feel unrelenting stress, like I'm in a stress sandwhich. I also feel out of it, but I feel lucid, like a spectator of the crazy state of my brain. The one part is constantly telling the other part to get with it. So far the lucid part is winning. I'm counting on this to continue but afraid the working part could be lost to the fatigue and duration of this mess. And on and on.

 

Anybody else have the dueling banjos playing this song?

Peace2

 

Absolutely.  It was almost like one part of the brain handled executive function, like it watched me and the crazy me in my brain, and it stepped in when things got out of control.  I think it's a form of DP.  I also thought it was very protective at the time.  I also wondered whether I was on my way to Bellevue!

[[ga...]]

Good to see some are doing better.  Been away for a couple of days to deal with one of my stressors.  Wish I could say it is behind but now I have to wait another month for more tests.  I have been plagued by skipped heartbeats during exercise which started up a few months back.  About 5 years ago had a radiofrequency ablation to try and eliminate an electrical pathway in my heart which was responsible for some of the skips.  This also had a lot to do with my anxiety and insomnia which resulted in these drugs.  Did the trick up until a few months ago.  Well, today the cardiologist advised me we need to do an echocardiogram, nuclear stress test and holter moniter.  Just did those 6 months ago and everything was okay...as I was not having the frequency of skips at that time.  I'm not one who does well with this stuff hanging over my head.  It's not going to be easy trying to be patient.  I will be here to vent as needed.  Thanks for all the support in advance.  Hoping for some descent sleep in the coming days.  I will persevere.

[[pe...]]

Green-

So what happened?

I feel like it's time to let go, to stop trying not to go crazy, to relax into this and see what happens. I'm so tired of fighting. The path of least resistance. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Garton.....wow.. .what bad timing for cardiac tests. We are here for you.  vent all you want to. I truly hope your pvcs are stress related and can be tamed with meds and/or stress reduction. All of that has to be scary. ..If something invasive is recommended get a second opinion. ...When are the tests?.. I am thinking of you Garton..  coop

[[mr...]]

Garton, I am sure that all is well. I believe your heart is healthy and all this will subside entirely. No worries, buddy It will all resolve soon

 

Rest well tonight, friend it's going to be alright

 

Mrs.

[[mi...]]

Hi everyone......I read this thread start to finish about 2 mos. ago.....ever since then I have followed everyones progress....all of the ups and downs......you guys are all so strong.....the love and support here is always in abundance......

 

This thread got me through many bad days.....even though I have not posted here but a few times...I feel like I know you guys....I am certain you are helping so many as they follow along silently.....

 

Thanks to all of you for being such special people.....I just wanted to say this before you guys write your success stories and possibly move on.....

 

I am so glad pamsters post helped so much....I was lucky to stumble upon it while looking for people who have healed.....

 

Whoot.....you are absolutely at the worst time......hang on it will get better.....I do not think I could even entertain  that possibility at 5 mos.....but look at this group they have all improved.....so will you.....you came to the right group to get all the love and support to get through this horrific time..... ...

 

Hope everyone is doing well....m ....

[[He...]]

Thanks GreenIce

The fear is horrible and I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.  It is unbearable.

Very hard today.  Is fear a sx all on its own without any reason.....

I assumed it was more about not breathing but sometimes it is about nothing that I can figure out.

It stops me from enjoying things. I want to crawl away and hide or worse not exist through this....

I'm not suicidal....but in anguish....ugh.

 

Whoot,

The fear is definitely a symptom all its own.  I feel it pretty badly sometimes...but  used to feel it pretty badly ALL the time.  It can come out of the blue, without any reason.  It DOES get better, and I know that it WILL CONTINUE to get better.

You are right there in the thick of it.  Those were tough, tough months for me.  Keep holding strong...you can do it.  One day, hour, minute at a time.

Hugs to you!

HH

[[He...]]

Hi everyone......I read this thread start to finish about 2 mos. ago.....ever since then I have followed everyones progress....all of the ups and downs......you guys are all so strong.....the love and support here is always in abundance......

 

This thread got me through many bad days.....even though I have not posted here but a few times...I feel like I know you guys....I am certain you are helping so many as they follow along silently.....

 

Thanks to all of you for being such special people.....I just wanted to say this before you guys write your success stories and possibly move on.....

 

I am so glad pamsters post helped so much....I was lucky to stumble upon it while looking for people who have healed.....

 

Whoot.....you are absolutely at the worst time......hang on it will get better.....I do not think I could even entertain  that possibility at 5 mos.....but look at this group they have all improved.....so will you.....you came to the right group to get all the love and support to get through this horrific time..... ...

 

Hope everyone is doing well....m ....

 

Minnie,

I was so thankful that you posted that message from the Canadian doctor!  It was a huge relief to me for me to read about the 2 year timeline. 

I'm glad you are starting to jump in our conversations!  It's a wonderful little group we have here. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Green-

So what happened?

I feel like it's time to let go, to stop trying not to go crazy, to relax into this and see what happens. I'm so tired of fighting. The path of least resistance. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Peace2

 

At the time I was having all manner of symptoms, frightening intrusive thoughts, DP/DR, a lot going on.  And that part of my brain, it was like not-scary schizophrenia, it soothed me and talked me down when things got out of control.  So many times through this I've felt like I was on the edge of losing it.  I had bad psych symptoms.

 

I say go with the flow.  Our psyches do protect us.  As crazy as you might feel (and you've talked about this on the thread, I'm not saying it) as crazy as you feel, as I felt, there's something sane in our psyche that steps in and takes control and protects your sanity until this passes.  It will pass.

[[Gr...]]

Good to see some are doing better.  Been away for a couple of days to deal with one of my stressors.  Wish I could say it is behind but now I have to wait another month for more tests.  I have been plagued by skipped heartbeats during exercise which started up a few months back.  About 5 years ago had a radiofrequency ablation to try and eliminate an electrical pathway in my heart which was responsible for some of the skips.  This also had a lot to do with my anxiety and insomnia which resulted in these drugs.  Did the trick up until a few months ago.  Well, today the cardiologist advised me we need to do an echocardiogram, nuclear stress test and holter moniter.  Just did those 6 months ago and everything was okay...as I was not having the frequency of skips at that time.  I'm not one who does well with this stuff hanging over my head.  It's not going to be easy trying to be patient.  I will be here to vent as needed.  Thanks for all the support in advance.  Hoping for some descent sleep in the coming days.  I will persevere.

 

Gart,  does your cardiologist know about the withdrawal, the benzos?

 

[[mi...]]

Hi HH......thanks for the welcome......I am so glad that post helped you, I thought it was the best reassurance from a professional that I had read.....we just cannot read enough of the positives....they are like a lifeline.....I worked today and did not read the recent posts....I hope you are feeling okay....well fabulous would be better.....

 

.....m ....

[[No...]]

Good Morning Folks ...

 

"Fear" ... "Crazy" ... "Split" ... "Health" .... yes, yes, and yes ...

 

Seems the one in charge of my healing had to take every symptom I have been through out yesterday and dust it off, take a good look at it, "review" it and then "exercise" it ... and whatever this process is the one in charge is not satisfied yet ... the "parade" continues this morning ...

 

I was "allowed" a bit a sleep .... back to sitting here with my seatbelt fastened ...

 

I read every post yesterday, slowly ... and sent a hug each time ... and I used up so much energy getting thru the day I could not respond in the moment ... I felt that if I "spent" one more iota of energy I might "break" ... and it is "difficult" this morning "focusing" outside myself ...

 

And I need to post ... as much for myself as perhaps for others ...

 

This stuff is "real" ... it is "actually happening" ... I am not making this "process" up ... I am living it ... this is not "fiction" ... I am in the "autobiography" section of the library ... this is not some "dream", not some "nightmare", not a piece of "active imagination" ...

 

And, for me, this "means" something very, very precious ... I am whole ... I am strong ... I am resilient ... I am living ... I want to open the window and just start shouting ... "I am here" ... and the sense of another "release" ... another milestone ... I am "waking up" ... still yawning and stretching and "unsteady" ...

 

Too much "stuff" "swirling" around in my mindful little head this morning ... maybe just a little "manic" once again ... okay, fine ...

 

Here is perhaps the "gist" of this ... "validation" ... "self-validation" ... and even when the "outside" community is "confused" with us, is perhaps a little "fearful" for us ... perhaps "feels" "powerless" to "help" us ... perhaps a little "lost" in how they can express their love for us ... we, each and every one of us, have the possibility to do this for ourselves ... each day ... well, maybe not each day ... however, this self validation is getting a little stronger, a little louder each day ...

 

And that is what we are doing for each other on this thread ... validating ... acknowledging ... encouraging ... for ourselves and each other ...

 

When I "respond" to one of you with a message of reassurance there is oftentimes "more" there than I am acknowledging ... when I say "you are strong" I am also saying "I am strong" ... when I say "you will get through this" ... I am also saying "I will get through this" ... there is an "echo" in each post that I need to hear ... to take in ... to acknowledge ... I am not only validating you, I am validating myself ...

 

Perhaps all of you already "know" this, and I am just catching up ... listen for the "echo" ... take a moment and breathe it in ... "reassurance" and "soothing" is a two-way street ... we give and we receive ... I need to acknowledge the blessings that I give ... and the blessing that I am ...

 

Okay, stepping down from my "soapbox" for a while ...

 

Namaste ... for each of you and for myself ...

 

[[...]]

Nova, what a precise acknowledgement! When we support each other, we are trying to help each other and ourselves! To know that we each will heal!

 

I'm so sorry you had a rough day yesterday! Im glad to see there has been some improvement that allows to to post!

 

 

[[ga...]]

coop, mrsalw,....Thank you for your responses and most of all your understanding.  Green...I have had issues with benign pvcs mostly occurring at rest for 30 years or so, well before using the benzos.  Had two ablations to try and correct the problem.  Did alleviate the skips.  He knows about my history. He feels this is just a change that has occurred in the last six months totally unrelated to the Ativan usage.  For so many years those skips occurred at times while the heart rate was slow.  This time, however, the skips go crazy while exercising.  He is not an alarmist.  Just the fact I have to wait over a month to start testing is going to be difficult to say the least.  I guess I should relax since he didn't rush me in saying it needed to be done immediately.  Good sign he is not to concerned.  He says they may be nothing or possibly something that could be treated by meds or another ablation.  Slight chance it could be something more serious but not to concerned.

 

Well, I guess I shouldn't be to surprised that I awoke at 3 a.m. thinking about this and got myself all worked up to the point I couldn't sleep.  It is going to be a struggle for the next month with this hanging over me.  I just have to accept it.  Worst case, I will have an ablation and be out of work for awhile.  I start going into the future and worrying about all my fears of the unknown.  What might happen. 

 

Whoot...I read your post and can so much empathize with what you are dealing with.  So many of the same concerns and fears I have dealt with and am still dealing with.  I am going to get back to reading the book I told you about.  It does address so much of what we are dealing with.  Toxic thinking that needs to be changed. I just need to sleep a bit so I can sit down and really focus on the words in the book.  We have to keep at it.  We will manage to get through it.  Stay strong and know that I am thinking of you. 

 

My wife who is 55 just saw a new doctor yesterday.  She has to go in for an ultra sound on her remaining ovary.  She has dealt with a bout of stage 1 breast cancer ten years ago along with two superficial melanomas over the last 30 years.  I get so worked up worrying about her.  She is not concerned at all and says it's just a preventative test to monitor her as she ages. Routine.  How come I am the one that gets so worked up.  That old fear that it may be something and I may end up alone some day.  How freaking senseless is it to get excited at this point.  Completely useless worry on my part.  One more thing to keep me awake at night.  Got to turn my brain off for the next few weeks.

 

Thanks again for listening to my venting.  Just need to write at this point.  Best to all of you dealing with hardships.  It is not fun but we will make it!!