Depression....how do you know 4-sure?

[Guest [Ju...]]

I have to put this out there for comments. How do I know if I am depressed or if this process is depressing? I understand that depression can be a side effect of benzo use, totally get that but....when I look back at my life....I had many depressed times. Such as:

 

I remember looking out the kitchen window in the middle of January, when it is pitch black at 4:30 and thinking, "wow, I feel depressed"...I was 9

 

I recall working at an Ace hardware store around the age of 19 and having coworkers ask me "what's wrong?' and I'd reply "blue meanies"...I was also in a severely abusive relationship at the time

 

I recall many October's starting a "seasonal depression"....but they went away years ago

 

I know the farther I get into peri-meno; only two periods this year and started this process of peri-meno in 6/2001 which ended with a very bad depression which lead to medication....and here I am can cause feelings of depression

 

I have had blood work done as recently as the end of June '09 and hormones show "post-meno range" 

 

I know I was raised in a home that didn't promote an atmosphere for optimal growth

 

I suffered the lose of a parent at the age of 14 and watched my mother fall apart. I also helped raise much younger siblings....alot of stress.

 

I know also, that I am just not a "happy person"....I do not find joy in many things. I am not heartless, just, nothing feeling. I know benzo's can do this but I also know I have felt this way before benzo use and depression runs in my family. I always thought it was primary anxiety with secondary depression....I wonder if I was wrong

 

Just Breathe

 

[[Pa...]]

It was easy for me to know because I've never been depressed.  I was put on an SSRI 11 years ago for grief and stayed on it out of convenience.  However when I hit withdrawals, things got deep, dark and scary.  I can see why you would have difficulty distinguishing between benzo depression and your pre-benzo life circumstances.

[[Ro...]]

Hi Just Breathe, you and I have a lot in common. 

 

I am also having a problem with a deepening depression as I go along. Please make sure that you keep your doctor or therapist informed about the depression................ even if you refuse the meds they offer. However, I would make sure that you let them know you refuse the meds.

[[...]]

Hello, 

 

Its really hard to tell if you have "true depression" or if this process is just wearing on you.  I know during my taper I became very agorophobic and a bit depressed.  I still have some lingering depression post benzo.  I will tell you that I was put on paxil at one point....cold turkeyed that after 8 weeks...not a good move...but it was because I was going through a very tough time juggling work and personal responsiblities.  Looking back, if I could change things and look with a non-biased eye, I should not have taken the AD at all....I wish I would have made a different decision because the AD lead to another AD trazodone for sleep and to benzo use.  I think had I just realized that we all go through tough times and there is no way to be perfect or that every day is not going to be grand..I would be a lot better off.

 

With all that said....I am off the benzo...off the paxil and working my way off the Trazodone....I believe I became more depressed after being put on the medication..I do not feel it helped me at all...last year at this time I was chilling at the lake....for two weeks..its what I do every summer with my buds..this year....I didnt go...next year I hope to go...when I am feeling better...

 

I hope this helps a bit....thats just my personal story....I have had times when I felt blue ..but I think thats totally normal and not neccesarily a sign of depression....we can't be happy all the time...

 

Hopefully that helped a little...many of us have traveled...a similar road and I can relate to what you are saying...I really can..

 

Tim

[[ad...]]

Hi Just Breathe,

 

Life can be depressing, that's for sure.  No doubt about it.  I was depressed in my late teens and again in my late 20's due to birth family crazyness, shall we say.  I went into psychotherapy in my late 20's for several years, and it pretty much helped me figure out all those feelings.  Mostly, you need to get to know yourself, for who you are.  To discover what is it that other people do that bother you, and what is it that YOU do that bothers you.  And then go ahead and take steps to change the things you can. 

 

Having taken the benzos does throw a lot of confusion into this mix.  But the process is still the same.  I'm like Pam, in that....I wasn't depressed when I started taking Klon, I just couldn't sleep.  But there has been some depression in the last few years from all the meds.  So I've had to sort it out too. 

 

The main thing I'd say is...don't buy into that "label" of just being a depressed or anxious person with nothing to be done about it. 

 

You have lots of options....starting today.  Right now.  This minute.  To change your own mind about these things and move forward with your life. 

 

adelia

[Guest [Ju...]]

It was easy for me to know because I've never been depressed.  I was put on an SSRI 11 years ago for grief and stayed on it out of convenience.  However when I hit withdrawals, things got deep, dark and scary.  I can see why you would have difficulty distinguishing between benzo depression and your pre-benzo life circumstances.

 

Pam- Yes, I can see why I am confused also....this is very tuff.

 

JB

[Guest [Ju...]]

Hi Just Breathe, you and I have a lot in common. 

 

I am also having a problem with a deepening depression as I go along. Please make sure that you keep your doctor or therapist informed about the depression................ even if you refuse the meds they offer. However, I would make sure that you let them know you refuse the meds.

 

Roberta- Thanks for your thoughts...but I amm confused Are you saying to let the dr know that I wouldn't take the meds if they suggest that I take meds?

 

JB

[Guest [Ju...]]

Hello, 

 

Its really hard to tell if you have "true depression" or if this process is just wearing on you.  I know during my taper I became very agorophobic and a bit depressed.  I still have some lingering depression post benzo.  I will tell you that I was put on paxil at one point....cold turkeyed that after 8 weeks...not a good move...but it was because I was going through a very tough time juggling work and personal responsiblities.  Looking back, if I could change things and look with a non-biased eye, I should not have taken the AD at all....I wish I would have made a different decision because the AD lead to another AD trazodone for sleep and to benzo use.  I think had I just realized that we all go through tough times and there is no way to be perfect or that every day is not going to be grand..I would be a lot better off.

 

With all that said....I am off the benzo...off the paxil and working my way off the Trazodone....I believe I became more depressed after being put on the medication..I do not feel it helped me at all...last year at this time I was chilling at the lake....for two weeks..its what I do every summer with my buds..this year....I didnt go...next year I hope to go...when I am feeling better...

 

I hope this helps a bit....thats just my personal story....I have had times when I felt blue ..but I think thats totally normal and not neccesarily a sign of depression....we can't be happy all the time...

 

Hopefully that helped a little...many of us have traveled...a similar road and I can relate to what you are saying...I really can..

 

Tim

 

TC- Thanks you very much for the mans perspective. I hope you go to the lake soon to enjoy some "guy tme"...you have earned it.

 

JB

[Guest [Ju...]]

Hi Just Breathe,

 

Life can be depressing, that's for sure.  No doubt about it.  I was depressed in my late teens and again in my late 20's due to birth family crazyness, shall we say.  I went into psychotherapy in my late 20's for several years, and it pretty much helped me figure out all those feelings.  Mostly, you need to get to know yourself, for who you are.  To discover what is it that other people do that bother you, and what is it that YOU do that bothers you.  And then go ahead and take steps to change the things you can. 

 

Having taken the benzos does throw a lot of confusion into this mix.  But the process is still the same.  I'm like Pam, in that....I wasn't depressed when I started taking Klon, I just couldn't sleep.  But there has been some depression in the last few years from all the meds.  So I've had to sort it out too. 

 

The main thing I'd say is...don't buy into that "label" of just being a depressed or anxious person with nothing to be done about it. 

 

You have lots of options....starting today.  Right now.  This minute.  To change your own mind about these things and move forward with your life.   

 

adelia

 

 

Oh Adelia- You have such insight....I know who I am. I am the ultra-sensitive lady who takes everything way to seriously (and that is an understatement). I am a totally "negative thinker" who is also "very peri-meno" and have been for too many years and at way to young of an age. Life can be depressing....guess it is how you take things on? I can't recall who said this, but there is this saying "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you choose to react to it"......oh, that was someone called Chuck Swindall(sp?).

 

JB

[[la...]]

I have to put this out there for comments. How do I know if I am depressed or if this process is depressing? I understand that depression can be a side effect of benzo use, totally get that but....when I look back at my life....I had many depressed times. Such as:

 

I remember looking out the kitchen window in the middle of January, when it is pitch black at 4:30 and thinking, "wow, I feel depressed"...I was 9

 

I recall working at an Ace hardware store around the age of 19 and having coworkers ask me "what's wrong?' and I'd reply "blue meanies"...I was also in a severely abusive relationship at the time

 

I recall many October's starting a "seasonal depression"....but they went away years ago

 

I know the farther I get into peri-meno; only two periods this year and started this process of peri-meno in 6/2001 which ended with a very bad depression which lead to medication....and here I am can cause feelings of depression

 

I have had blood work done as recently as the end of June '09 and hormones show "post-meno range"   

 

I know I was raised in a home that didn't promote an atmosphere for optimal growth

 

I suffered the lose of a parent at the age of 14 and watched my mother fall apart. I also helped raise much younger siblings....alot of stress.

 

I know also, that I am just not a "happy person"....I do not find joy in many things. I am not heartless, just, nothing feeling. I know benzo's can do this but I also know I have felt this way before benzo use and depression runs in my family. I always thought it was primary anxiety with secondary depression....I wonder if I was wrong

 

Just Breathe

 

I've avoided this thread since I jumped off, mainly because it was my home tapering.  I can so relate to what you've said!  I've been on and off antidepressants most of my life, and I too have a family history of depression and needing "nerve pills".

 

Right now you won't know for sure a definite cause of your depression.  You do know though that it is a benzo side effect.  With the exception at 9yrs old, everything you've mentioned in life that has pointed to depression has also had triggers.  I too lost a parent at a young age (17), have seasonal depression, and went through menopause early (42).  We just have to keep in mind depression is a normal part of human functioning and reactions.  How far down we let ourselves go is where the problem comes in.

 

I personally have chosen to wait post taper to make any decisions regarding depression.  I'm still on a low dose of Zoloft, and plan to continue that for a bit.  I really don't think I'm having any type of benzo s/x anymore, but the depression hasn't totally gone away either.  Alot of my residual depression has to do with life circumstances at the moment I'm sure.  Ok I've babbled.. not sure where I'm going ... but wanted to let you know I do know where you are.  Don't worry about what's causing it while still having benzo s/x.  Just take one day at a time, and decide once you're free and clear, if depression is a real issue in your life that needs dealing with.

 

Hopefully depression will pack his bags and be escorted out with the last of the benzo side effects!   

 

 

[[Ro...]]

Hi Just Breathe, you and I have a lot in common.  

 

I am also having a problem with a deepening depression as I go along. Please make sure that you keep your doctor or therapist informed about the depression................ even if you refuse the meds they offer. However, I would make sure that you let them know you refuse the meds.

 

Roberta- Thanks for your thoughts...but I amm confused Are you saying to let the dr know that I wouldn't take the meds if they suggest that I take meds?

 

JB

 

Yes. Always let them know exactly how much of what meds you are taking so that if something happens medically, at least they know what and how much you are on. Even though my current dr. does not like the idea of my tapering, he knows how much I'm taking.

 

If you don't feel comfortable telling your dr., then tell someone you are close to.

[Guest [Ju...]]

I do really appreciate the replies to my question. Seems the consensus is to not add an anti-dep.....well, I will have to make that decision for myself. The depressed feelings have not lifted; they hit like a bat out of hell upon awaking in the morning. That slap in the face this is your life realization LOVE IT

 

Just Breathe

[[la...]]

I do really appreciate the replies to my question. Seems the consensus is to not add an anti-dep.....well, I will have to make that decision for myself. The depressed feelings have not lifted; they hit like a bat out of hell upon awaking in the morning. That slap in the face this is your life realization LOVE IT

 

Just Breathe

 

Are you sure what you're going through isn't hormonal?  I've been done with cycles since 2002, and still most months I can tell when it should be happening.  I also have at least one spell of depression a month.  I think for me, those 2 are definitely related.

 

I can remember while tapering, having many mornings wanting to cry immediately upon awakening.  I hated it.  It felt like it set my mood for the day.  Take advantage of any sunshine you can get.  I'd go around my house turning on lights during the day to ease the depression.  I think I've tried just about everything! 

 

 

 

 

[Guest [Ju...]]

Phyllis- I so know it is hormonal. I have had bad fluctuations since my early 20's and started peri-meno at 33.....they do just suck the life out of you I wont jump on the anti-dep band wagon yet...I'll see what happens with time.

 

Oh, what you experience monthly are called "phantom periods"....all the symptoms w/o the flo Great website for info on peri & meno power-surge.com

 

Just Breathe

[[la...]]

Phyllis- I so know it is hormonal. I have had bad fluctuations since my early 20's and started peri-meno at 33.....they do just suck the life out of you I wont jump on the anti-dep band wagon yet...I'll see what happens with time.

 

Oh, what you experience monthly are called "phantom periods"....all the symptoms w/o the flo Great website for info on peri & meno power-surge.com

 

Just Breathe

 

Excellent website!!  Thank you for sharing!   

 

 

[[sa...]]

Hi!

I recently really struggled with this. Is it coming off of the benzos? Is it who I am? I was a real partier as a young person and am I just now feeling what it feels like to be completely drug free? I don't know the answers. I do know that I have been a somewhat depressed negative person since I was possibly even a child? I definitely remember it as a teen.

I have A LOT going on in my life, between coming off of these detremental drugs, divorce (which may have been partly due to me being on these drugs), moving from my beautiful home into an apartment, finding out my mom has cancer, not working (also much due to my withdrawal and the accompanying anxiety)

Anyhow...after much struggle and beating myself up, I have decided to go back on an anti-depressant. I am not suggesting that you do. I would have preferred to be drug free and to heal naturally, but in my case, I decided that I very well may have a chemical imbalance and that I needed a kick start so that I could try to get my life back on track. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing? Maybe it will really help....only time will tell. I believe that diet exercise and other self care are the best cures. I am trying not to be ashamed that I have made this decision, but I have and it's ok. Sometimes we need to ask for help.

I support you in whatever you decide. Living with depression is no fun. We deserve to live a good life-or as good as possible.Listen to your heart(NOT your head ;-) It will tell you what to do............Good luck on the road to happiness, or at least a life without depression.

Hugs, steph

[[pi...]]

Hi Steph,

 

You are going through a lot right now, all on top of healing from benzos. I understand your decision to take an a/d. Depression really diminishes our quality of life, and sometimes we do need antidepressants.

 

I would hold off on thinking that depression is the "real" you. You haven't been off benzos long enough to make that judgment.

 

Just remember to do a slow taper off the antidepressant when you no longer need it 

 

Wishing you peace and sending good vibes your way,

 

PPJ 

[[ad...]]

Hi Steph,

 

As long as you feel good about your decision to take a/d's, that's all that matters.  And if you have one that works for you, well then that's great!  Many of us, including myself, aren't able to take these.  Anti-depressants actually MAKE me depressed.  That's why I use amino acids to help my brain neurotransmitters and mood. 

 

Let us know how it goes, ok?

 

adelia

[Guest [Ju...]]

Hi!

I recently really struggled with this. Is it coming off of the benzos? Is it who I am? I was a real partier as a young person and am I just now feeling what it feels like to be completely drug free? I don't know the answers. I do know that I have been a somewhat depressed negative person since I was possibly even a child? I definitely remember it as a teen.

I have A LOT going on in my life, between coming off of these detremental drugs, divorce (which may have been partly due to me being on these drugs), moving from my beautiful home into an apartment, finding out my mom has cancer, not working (also much due to my withdrawal and the accompanying anxiety)

Anyhow...after much struggle and beating myself up, I have decided to go back on an anti-depressant. I am not suggesting that you do. I would have preferred to be drug free and to heal naturally, but in my case, I decided that I very well may have a chemical imbalance and that I needed a kick start so that I could try to get my life back on track. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing? Maybe it will really help....only time will tell. I believe that diet exercise and other self care are the best cures. I am trying not to be ashamed that I have made this decision, but I have and it's ok. Sometimes we need to ask for help.

I support you in whatever you decide. Living with depression is no fun. We deserve to live a good life-or as good as possible.Listen to your heart(NOT your head ;-) It will tell you what to do............Good luck on the road to happiness, or at least a life without depression.

Hugs, steph

 

steph- you do have alot going on right now. If the A/D is helping...let it help you. I am feeling much better.....I am 41 and have been in peri-meno for years(honestly, I think since my eary 20's). Hormones and depressed feelings go hand in hand. Also, since I have done a direct C/O from Xanax to Valium(taper has started already too) I feel loads better. Gotta remember to take each day as it comes.

 

Just Breathe

[[...]]

Dear Breathe:

 

You mentioned the possibility of Seasonal Depression and Chicago would be a great place for that.  It's location in its timezone ensures that a person who works a normal day job never sees light from Dec to Feb.  An easy diagnostic would be to buy a sunlamp and sit under it.  If you feel better, keep using it.  If not, you have a great reading light. 

 

I have one and use it regularly when the weather starts to go grey.

 

ntw

[[Ro...]]

Dear Breathe:

 

You mentioned the possibility of Seasonal Depression and Chicago would be a great place for that.  It's location in its timezone ensures that a person who works a normal day job never sees light from Dec to Feb.  An easy diagnostic would be to buy a sunlamp and sit under it.  If you feel better, keep using it.  If not, you have a great reading light. 

 

I have one and use it regularly when the weather starts to go grey.

 

ntw

 

Yup - I'm just outside of Indianapolis. We have a lot of people with SAD here.

[[ma...]]

I had a lousy childhood and have spent most of my life on a/d and whether is is due to benzo or not. the result is the same. Keep your doctor informed and don't fall into the abysses because it is very hard to climb out of it,  Depression runs in my family, and so I am going to tell my doctor.  I cry everyday, more than once, I will never get better, I drag my family down etc these thoughts do not help. I want to be alone, and I don't want to do anything and again due to my tolerance it is taking a long time to "cross" over, so I am also dealing with that...  My tolerance will go down as I wait, sometimes I just want to hide

 

 

Again, I feel depression is depression regardless of why and  the possibility of negative consequences is there regardless....of why. :'( :'(

[[Ro...]]

JB- How are you doing with the depression?

[Guest [Ju...]]

JB- How are you doing with the depression?

 

Hi Roberta-

 

I actually feel pretty darn good, no depression and over the halfway mark of my taper. I just read this thread again and honestly, do not even recognize the "me" that started this thread I have not added an A/D, just Omega 3's, Magnesium Citrate and Suntheanine.

 

Wow, this now validates for me the depression caused by long term use of benzo's...Wow....am speechless.

 

JB

[[Ro...]]

I didn't know Omega 3 was good for depression. I should try that. I know it's good for cholesterol and mine is way too high.