I AM SO FRUSTRATRED!

[[Sm...]]

OMG, when I posted this earlier today I felt really bad! This day has just gotten progressively worse! What the hell is going on!

 

I'm one week away from hitting 6 months off Valium and I feel like I've been thrown back into acute w/d! HELP!

 

I'm still a noob to this stuff really but don't a lot of people get some bad waves at 6 months-ish?

 

You are doing well. You will do well again. Waves never feel like they'll end when you're in them but they do

[[Sm...]]

oh I guess I should have read ahead of me because everyone already pointed out about the 6 month wave thang

 

In any case.. hope you're feeling better and if not I'll be seeing you on the other side of that wave x

[[Te...]]

Thanks, hopeseeker and smiff. I really don't have the choice but to persevere.

 

I'm hoping that once Tuesday arrives and I get over the "hump" that the six-month mark is, and then two days later I manage to survive Thanksgiving, then things may begin to ease up for me.

 

Right now there is just a lot of self-inflicted anticipatory anxiety that I'm dealing with. I really hate the holidays! Maybe I should ask to have my user ID changed from Tex67 to Scrooge67...

 

[[...]]

Hi Tex-

 

I'm on here almost every day so I know that you've had if rough for the past couple of weeks. You say that you've slowed down on your drinking a few weeks ago which got me to thinking about my situation. I, like you, tempered my w/d symptoms with alcohol all during my taper and post taper. Actually, I drank every day during most of my benzo use. About 6 weeks ago, I found that the drinking was making me sort of sick. It still would numb the anxiety a bit but wouldn't give me the nice, warm buzz anymore. I just felt unwell -don't know how to put it really. I knew it was finally time to stop, though, so I did. Since then, except for a few ok days, I have felt more anxiety, fear and panic then I had since I started this w/d trip. My thinking was muddled, I cried daily at the drop of a hat (I hadn't cried in years) and I felt hopeless. It's starting to lift though. Nothing has changed in my life- and I've got quite a handful of problems- but no anxiety today. Zero. Now I'm not going to predict tomorrow cause we both know how unpredictable these states are but I am not going near booze again until I know I'm over this benzo stuff.

I think this was long overdue.

 

BTW- I didn't c/t but I'm only 3 weeks ahead of you.

 

I'm pulling for you, Tex.

 

Rosa

[[Sm...]]

For much of my cold turkey I was dealing with anxiety issues by downing a couple of shots of bourbon when the anxiety seemed unbearable. I quit drinking a few weeks ago -- at least on a daily basis. I would let myself have a couple of shots every 2-3 days to offset the anxiety. I kept having HORRIBLE anxiety that I now realize was not benzo related but with related to my cutting back on my alcohol intake.

 

It seems I got rid of my benzo dependence but swapped it for a dependence on alcohol, so now I am trying to taper completely off of bourbon. I feel as if I am going through acute w/d all over again. I have insurance that will pay for me to detox from alcohol, so if I don't feel better soon, I may check into the detox center here in town. I've already gotten pre-approval from my health insurance. I'd rather not go there because I know part of the protocol for alcohol detox is by giving people either Valium or Librium.

 

I could refuse benzos, but I'm concerned that if I was doing very poorly that I might get an injection of benzos, despite my stated desires. I guess if worse came to worse taking benzos for 3-4 days to wean me off alcohol would probably not really have much impact on my benzo w/d. I have absolutely NO desire for benzos. But this really intense anxiety that apparently is caused by alcohol withdrawal is really bad..

 

I will post updates as time goes by.

 

Tex that is troubling news. As you'd know they do very similar things to the brain so lets hope you haven't swapped one dependence for another.

 

I wish you well and a speedy recovery. Do keep us posted if you feel you need to end up in alcohol detox xx

[[Sv...]]

Sorry to hear you're in a tough wave Tex. Like so many others I too used alcohol to help with my anxiety.  I Drank almost every evening after work during my taper. Then  I stopped cold when I went into benzo withdrawal.

 

If you read Ashton it suggests that alcohol is a primary cause for withdrawal failure from benzos. In short, if u want to make it through benzo withdrawal, stop the booze. At least for a while. Go 100 days without a drop of booze if you can. Even though I don't consider myself to be an alcoholic, I attend AA to try to make sure I don't turn into one, nor replace the benzos with booze.

 

The wave you're just hitting has shorter but very intense highs and lows in comparison to the emotional plateau you just came off. It's a bit of a roller coaster now for maybe a month. Then at month 7 it will likely get better.

 

Tomorrow is another day my friend, and it hope it's a better one for you!

[[Mi...]]

Absolutely understand! It's the thing that affects me the most too! It will go.. It has too. Xx

[[Be...]]

I feel like that all the time too , I feel like I'm different from other people , like I'm in a different world than they are , in a different dimension , when I say or do something it feels like it's just an act like I'm an actor acting out my part , nothing makes sense to me , I feel like I'm outside this reality looking in through a window , it's hard to describe , I know it's the withdrawel but I hate it , I want to feel  present 100 percent , everything seems strange and meaningless to me , it's scary

[[IG...]]

Hi Bechlin,

 

    You will feel 100% you again! I promise.  I know what a awful feeling it is to be disconnected from the world, my d/p d/r started lifting last June and is gone now.  Yours will lift to, it seems like such a long slow process but once it lifts you'll hardly remember what it felt like when you had it.  All this pain will be a distant memory.  You'll have your life back.

 

Molly

[[ma...]]

Thanks, hopeseeker and smiff. I really don't have the choice but to persevere.

 

I'm hoping that once Tuesday arrives and I get over the "hump" that the six-month mark is, and then two days later I manage to survive Thanksgiving, then things may begin to ease up for me.

 

Right now there is just a lot of self-inflicted anticipatory anxiety that I'm dealing with. I really hate the holidays! Maybe I should ask to have my user ID changed from Tex67 to Scrooge67...

 

Hi Tex

 

I am sorry, your having such a rotten time at the moment, you will start to feel better with a little more time. I know how hard it is quitting alcohol, you will be so glad you did this once you get through the worst of it.

 

Keep as positive as you can, we will all be rooting for you to get through thanksgiving

 

Magrita

 

 

[[ma...]]

I feel like that all the time too , I feel like I'm different from other people , like I'm in a different world than they are , in a different dimension , when I say or do something it feels like it's just an act like I'm an actor acting out my part , nothing makes sense to me , I feel like I'm outside this reality looking in through a window , it's hard to describe , I know it's the withdrawel but I hate it , I want to feel  present 100 percent , everything seems strange and meaningless to me , it's scary

 

I know exactly how you feel Bechlin I promise you will feel good again, when you get through this. You will get your life back and be so pleased you did this.  I don't take anything for granted these days, the simple things in life mean a lot to me, wait till you get there, you wont be scared anymore

 

Magrita

[[Be...]]

Hi Bechlin,

 

    You will feel 100% you again! I promise.  I know what a awful feeling it is to be disconnected from the world, my d/p d/r started lifting last June and is gone now.  Yours will lift to, it seems like such a long slow process but once it lifts you'll hardly remember what it felt like when you had it.  All this pain will be a distant memory.  You'll have your life back.

 

Molly

 

Thank you so much I really hope so

[[Te...]]

I am giving up and going in for alcohol detox. I get periods of intense anxiety, especially waking me up at night, and my first thought is how I "need" 2-3 shots of bourbon to "turn off the noise." The only consolation is that I used to think I "needed some valium to turn off the noise," so benzos seem to be out of the picture and I just have to get rid of craving for alcohol.

 

With luck, if I go in today I should be out by Monday, or Tuesday at the latest. My insurance has approved a five-day stay but I don't think five days will be needed. I've been trying to cut down myself but I'll get hit by a tough time and all my resolve just flies out the window. This is also why I couldn't get below 5 mg. when I tapered off of Valium. I'd get hit with a tough time and I'd updose to 10 or 15 mg one time to help things get back to "normal."

 

I'll be in touch. Thank you all for your words of support. I'm taking my laptop because they supposedly have wifi, but who knows if I will be up to using it?

 

 

[[Sv...]]

You just need to stay sober for 15 minutes, then another 15, then another, and so on. One day at a time. You can do it. 

[[Te...]]

I'm usually OK during the days, but at night I just can't sleep due to the anxiety and I am constantly wanting a drink. I flushed all the booze in my house a couple of days ago, so at night it's really bad because I know I can't just go up to the store and buy some bourbon.

 

I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I am afraid I am headed in that direction. I'm 59 and I've never had any kind of "need" for alcohol. I could have a few drinks and then go weeks before I had any more. But the benzo w/d really changed all that, and I think the reason I'm not doing better as I get close to the six-month mark is because I've been using alcohol to take the place of benzos.

 

Anyway, my insurance covers detox. I don't like having it in my record, but having a detox for alcohol is better IMHO than having a record of detox from benzos.

 

I've got to get in the shower now and then get dressed and drive over to the detox facility. I'll keep you posted on how things go.

 

Best wishes,

 

Tex

 

[[...]]

Tex, my prayer is with you. Be strong and courageous, you can do it. Please keep posting.

 

Ed C

[[Te...]]

Thanks for your kind words, Ed. I'm at the detox facility waiting to see an intake counselor. This is taking FOREVER!

[[Te...]]

Good grief! I finally got to see the doctor about going into detox and he said I "didn't meet medical criteria" for needing detox, since I didn't have the DTs and wasn't in physical pain. He wrote me an RX for 10 5 mg. diazepam (Valium) and said that if I got "the shakes" from coming off the alcohol to take one of these.

 

Great... I have insurance to pay for this place, but they primarily take Medicaid clients. The weather is bad this weekend and a lot of homeless people apparently beat me there this morning and checked in for "detox" as a way to get out of the weather!

 

So, now, I'm back at home with 10 yellow diazepam -- the very drug I c/t'd from almost six months ago. I'm going to do my best not to take any, and then I'll toss them out in 4-5 days, but for now I am going to hold onto them for when it gets really bad. I don't think 1 or 2 pills will hurt me at this stage. I'm VERY CAUTIOUS because I know the hazard of "rescue doses" leading to reinstatement, but on the other hand, I have no way to get any more Valium. I obtained my Valium from overseas and my primary care physician knows nothing about me coming off of Valium, or even than I was addicted to it for 15+ years.

 

I just want to make it through the weekend. My wife will be here, so that will help. I'd be happier if my buddy Jim Beam was here, but he's no longer welcome here...

 

Oh, boy, what a mess!

[[JC...]]

Good grief! I finally got to see the doctor about going into detox and he said I "didn't meet medical criteria" for needing detox, since I didn't have the DTs and wasn't in physical pain. He wrote me an RX for 10 5 mg. diazepam (Valium) and said that if I got "the shakes" from coming off the alcohol to take one of these.

 

Great... I have insurance to pay for this place, but they primarily take Medicaid clients. The weather is bad this weekend and a lot of homeless people apparently beat me there this morning and checked in for "detox" as a way to get out of the weather!

 

So, now, I'm back at home with 10 yellow diazepam -- the very drug I c/t'd from almost six months ago. I'm going to do my best not to take any, and then I'll toss them out in 4-5 days, but for now I am going to hold onto them for when it gets really bad. I don't think 1 or 2 pills will hurt me at this stage. I'm VERY CAUTIOUS because I know the hazard of "rescue doses" leading to reinstatement, but on the other hand, I have no way to get any more Valium. I obtained my Valium from overseas and my primary care physician knows nothing about me coming off of Valium, or even than I was addicted to it for 15+ years.

 

I just want to make it through the weekend. My wife will be here, so that will help. I'd be happier if my buddy Jim Beam was here, but he's no longer welcome here...

 

Oh, boy, what a mess!

 

Tex,

 

Obviously it's your decision about taking those pills -- but please consider that you might take those poison pills and they may not work but even set you back.

 

Best wishes to you man.  I know what it's like to feel really frustrated, so hang in there.  And keep writing here and venting.

 

Curley

[[be...]]

Tex:

 

You poor thing! I feel for you kiddo. If you go to alcohol rehab then you're right, they'll give you valium to detox. That's the drug of choice. They give you it 3X a day. Take it from me, I had a bad alcohol problem and did the 3-day detox thing with valium. If you're drinking has become a daily habit of 2-3 drinks or more then you gotta go to rehab. Alcohol withdrawal, as you know, can be life threatening and possibly kill you if you do it alone without benzos. You can't do it yourself. I'm glad you made the preparations to get into rehab with your insurance.

 

Yes, it will be somewhat of a setback for you but since you're nearing the 6 month mark, you should be able to bounce back soon. You're right, the alcohol intake prolly is the reason for your waves. Alcohol is a no no forever; like taking a liquid form of benzos, as you know. No more benzos, nor more booze. What next, no more sex?  :)   Bring your iPOD or laptop to keep us posted..if they give you a moment's rest, which they won't. :tickedoff:

 

You'll have to spend your days going to session after session about the evils of booze, counseling sessions and all sorts of things that will keep you busy throughout the day. Then at night, they'll send you to an AA meeting, just about the time you have had it for the day and want to lay down on your bed and chill out. It's annoying, that's all. Then it's lights out at 10 p.m and up at 7 am to do the same thing. Thankfully it's only three days...

 

The food stinks, everyone smokes cigs all day long and you'll have a roommate, who will prolly be much worse off than you (my roommate was drinking 12 glasses of wine a day) so he won't give you any problems. Since he prolly won't be used to benzos, he'll sleep whenever he can, so he won't keep you up at night.

 

Also, nobody ever tells you this but you don't HAVE to go to all of those boring day-time sessions. Just tell them you aren't feeling well..they'll get mad at you but just ignore them. And they'll take urine tests as well. Sometimes they actually watch you pee so you aren't substituting your pee from a friend's "clean" pee. It isn't as bad as I make it sound. Only 3 days tex. Benzogirl.

 

[[Ca...]]

Dear Tex,

  Sending you support...we are here for you.

With friendship,

Carita

[[Te...]]

Thanks, benzogirl and carita!

 

JCurley, I took the doctor's prescription but I did not have it filled. I figure if I get really bad and decide I need to take some of the diazepam, there is a 24-hour pharmacy just a mile from our place so my wife or I could take it up there to be filled.  However, I'm just going to try and tough it out. I've done enough damage with the bourbon, so I really don't want to add to any setbacks by taking even one diazepam.

 

The hardest thing for me is that by now I'm used to being able to reach for my Jim Beam if the anxiety gets really bad. When it gets crazy, I still have a flash in my mind that I can grab a shot if it gets worse...and then I remember that there's not a drop of booze in the house.

 

So, I guess I'll figure it out. Hopefully by Thanksgiving I'll be feeling better.

[[Di...]]

Wow, Tex.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I know you will bounce back. 

 

Please keep us posted about how you are doing.

[[...]]

Thanks, benzogirl and carita!

 

JCurley, I took the doctor's prescription but I did not have it filled. I figure if I get really bad and decide I need to take some of the diazepam, there is a 24-hour pharmacy just a mile from our place so my wife or I could take it up there to be filled.  However, I'm just going to try and tough it out. I've done enough damage with the bourbon, so I really don't want to add to any setbacks by taking even one diazepam.

 

The hardest thing for me is that by now I'm used to being able to reach for my Jim Beam if the anxiety gets really bad. When it gets crazy, I still have a flash in my mind that I can grab a shot if it gets worse...and then I remember that there's not a drop of booze in the house.

 

So, I guess I'll figure it out. Hopefully by Thanksgiving I'll be feeling better.

Tex, sorry you are going through this. Just vent away, and write 24/7 while you're going through it. It will probably help pass the time when you have trouble sleeping. That's what I did here after jumping from Klonopin. I think maybe BB was the only thing that kept me sane back in April, May, June and later.

 

You said you got rid of Jim Beam. That's probably the way to do it, take the plunge, jump into it. You don't leave yourself a backdoor. Please don't hunt me down if I'm wrong, but I will wager that you get off the booze way faster than the benzo. I hope you won't start using the benzos again.

 

Years ago I talked to people in AA and NA who had really serious problems, but I was fine in Valium. They told me that getting off the benzos would be harder anything the got off of, and I did not know at that time that they were righ. But they were.

 

I found that out 7 months ago. You're already off the benzos. Please hold on to that thought!

 

Gary

[[ga...]]

Tex....I know how difficult this has to be for you.  I commend you for being strong and holding off on the valium.  I know this is a terrible wave and the alcohol has made it worse.  You will get through this and all of us are here for you.  Stay strong my friend.  You can and will do this!!