Whoever the heck is Albie1 is 30+ months Benzo Free!

[[Al...]]

Hi Sally,

 

Yes I do take a small amount of benadryl (1/3 of one caplet) and melatonin (1/3 of 3-mg. tablet i.e. 1 mg.) both at bedtime. I had heard about nightmares and weird, vivid dreams on melatonin too. And I did altogether too much dreaming when I took 3 mg. So I left it alone for a year or so, then I read an article that said that the problem with melatonin is that people take WAY too much -- that the body only makes small amounts, naturally. So I tried 1 mg and that had worked out pretty well for me. I say pretty well, because I still do dream A LOT on melatonin, just dream and dream and dream. Not horrible dreams and certainly not nightmares, but not altogether pleasant dreams either. One other thing -- and I hope he's right, but my internal medicine doctor, who's a really sharp guy, told me that melatonin is the only "sleeping pill" that is not addictive. Again, I hope that's correct. Anyway, not trying to sell you on melatonin, but a small dose had helped me get a bit more sleep. Though I was sleeping 7 or so hours, even before I began the melatonin regimen.

 

The other thing I would recommend is an online program called "Sleep Tracks". It's a lot of tips and some music and hypnotic sounds you can record (or buy CDs). I think the entire program was about $79 bucks or something like that and I learned a lot from it -- especially about getting up and out in the morning and getting some morning light and exercise. Anyway, there's a lot more to that program and I thought it was well worth it. Oh, and yes, he does have some information on getting your clock turned around and how to get your sleep on a regular schedule -- I follow the advice, but not to the letter and I always get to sleep between 9:30 and 10:30. But I think if one followed all the advice, a person could get that down to falling asleep within 15 minutes of the same time every night.

 

Anyway, I sure hope you can get things re-adjusted.

 

Hang in there and best wishes,

 

Albie

 

 

[[Ma...]]

awesome post

[[to...]]

Albie: just want to know how is your digestive system doing after 30+ months, mine is not soo good still better ofcourse but still irritable, I guess this is what left in symptoms, bad stomach and digestive system (like tightness - bloated - spasmic - burning - nerve inside is not calm) it comes and goes and it sure affects my brain like fogginess and sometimes DR, did it all fade with you or still lingering with less intensity, sometimes it goes away like a charm

 

I assume that food is the suspect for me till now, I really take care what to eat and what not to eat but the setback is also rough still, Albie do you eat Dairy product like kefir or yogurt, last week ate them and they send me back (very bad reaction) it's like it inflamed my gut

 

Thanks buddy, we will get there it takes time but ww will march nomatter what

[[Al...]]

Hey Tommy,

 

Yes, your bottom line is correct. We will prevail and get out of this symptom-free or at least back to our original pre-benzos baseline. It just takes time, time and more time. But as your avatar says, we're healing a little bit every day, even if we don't feel it.

 

Now, I have to tell you, I have very few stomach issues. But then I think that's just me. I mean, even when I wasn't eating (literally) one can of Boost per day, for months, taking a few vicodin, 4 or 5 ambien, some xanax etc., and washing it down with 3 or 4 glasses of wine, my stomach was not bad. But that doesn't mean your stomach issues are not benzo-related, it just means I was blessed with a very tolerant stomach and digestive tract. On the other hand, my muscle issues are the last to get better. I had a back injury to start and my muscle spasms and pain has been very, very, very slow to come around -- like 1% improvement per month, I suppose.

 

Anyway, so I tell you all of this because I think that's just the way it goes, wherever you're vulnerable, that's what will take the longest to heal. And I think LOTS of people find that the "gut" -- stomach, digestive and intestinal tract are extremely connected to benzo recovery. I'm just ultra fortunate in that respect, that although I had serious stomach issues early on after CT, they only lasted a few weeks. Then again, my back issues, have lasted a few years.

 

I wish I could commiserate with you on the stomach issues, but I'm sure you wanted an honest reply. Nonetheless, I certainly can commiserate on the topic that one certainly has to have unending faith to tolerate symptoms that are so very slow to finally abate.

 

So, let's just hang in there and keep the faith. If we'd made it this far, and seen so many, many symptoms go by the wayside, I'm sure that given enough time, this too will pass.

 

Take care.

 

All my best,

 

Albie 

[[as...]]

Albie1-

 

Man, where was this post when I was in my darkest hours?! So eloquent and so hopeful and so true. Congrats to you!

 

Best, ask2266

[[os...]]

Albie,

 

I needed this today.

 

Thank you.

 

I loved the metaphor, i pictured it just how you described it and then i cried, needed that too.

 

Thanks so much.

 

Oscar

[[Al...]]

Ask & Oscar,

 

Thank you both for those kind words.

 

Ask, so glad to hear your darkest hours and days are behind you. It seems when we get to that point we KNOW we're there. As if we'd asked early on, "Well, how will I KNOW when my worst days are behind me?"  And those who'd recovered might just have said, "You'll know." Don't mean to sound coy or glib about it, but it  seems to me that so many rough times have to happen as part of the process, and so much slow recovery has to take place, that when you get to a certain point, you just realize that the worst of it is over now and that as slow as the remaining recovery may be, it IS going to happen.

 

Oscar,

So very, very glad you found my post of some help to you. As you can see from the many, many success stories here, you will heal too. So just find a way to hang in there, try to keep the faith and "do the time". Time will take care of the rest. And try to remember the people who preceded you in the healing process are not heroes, nor any stronger, nor any more resolute than you -- they're just regular people just like you and me and they just happen to be further along on their own individual healing process. You will get there too.

 

Take care and hang in there.

 

All my best,

 

Albie

[[je...]]

Hi Albie1, Are you the Albie that kept the progress log for awhile?  If so, thank you.  It was so helpful to me.  I would immediately see how your anxiety levels were each time you posted.  I was experiencing what seemed like life threatening anxiety, and when I would see that yours was ONLY a 4 or a 4.5, I was heartened.  Now I am almost a year out from a CT off of Ativan.  I am more well than not--75-94% on any given day.  You and others, like Pamster, have been my life line and anchor.  I really believed that if you could do it, I could.  And I used to think I will settle for a "4" on anxiety rather than my permanent, it seemed, "10."  At that "10" was at the top of the pain meter.  My husband used to look at me with deep sympathy and say "10?" I could only shake my head "yes."  Quantifying helped me understand my improvement.  Also, I walked through the worst of it.  Now I walk, swim, use equipment and sing for joy on the days when I am 94% healed.  100% is ahead.

 

Thanks for being pilgrim Albie.  And thanks for writing your update on healing.  My very best to you and your family.

[[Al...]]

Hi Jennie,

 

Sounds like you're almost there!  :yippee:

 

Yes, that was me that kept a daily progress log for about two years. Once I found myself forgetting to log in, 'cause I felt fine in the morning, it no longer seemed necessary. And YES, panic, anxiety and terror were the worst symptoms of all.

 

Right now I am tapering and quitting nicotine. I've cut about 70% in about 5 weeks and I was telling my wife that it's tough, but it's nothing compared to quitting benzos and Z drugs. Just today while we walked I told her, that people complain about being hungry, but I'd go days (literally) without eating and I said "Hunger is nothing compared to thirst" and "Being thirsty is nothing compared to getting NO sleep for days on end"  But even having gone 7 days with NO sleep, was not that bad compared to the absolute terror I felt when I was on those drugs at the end, and at the beginning of withdrawal. I told her that the absolute, mortifying anxiety, panic and terror, to me, was the worst -- worse than hunger, thirst, pain, and even worse than not sleeping.

 

So, yes, I can relate. And I am so glad to hear your anxiety is well on its way to normal levels, by which I mean, to be human is to have some anxiety, but benzo-related anxiety is a whole 'nuther animal -- off the charts, WAY out of the normal realm. So, congrats to you!!!

 

Also just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's just so touching to know that posting bits and pieces of my journey was not only cathartic to me, but also helpful to others. It truly warms my heart.

 

You're right, Jennie, 100% is just ahead. And then who knows? For me, I'm exercising more than I have in years, trying to lose some weight too and thinking about getting back into activities I enjoyed in my 20s and 30s like bowling, softball, water skiiing, jogging etc. I guess the point is, once we rid ourselves of these demonic drugs, and get our minds clear, our bodies healed and the monkey off our backs, it seems there's room to dream a little, set some goals and have some fun again. 'least that's the way I see it.

 

Take care and God bless!

 

All my best to you and yours,

 

Albie

[[Fr...]]

Albie. Your story brought me to tears.  Gratitude for your words and your heart.

[[ca...]]

I love this success story.

His description of coming up on a meadow, after being in the depths of hell for a long time give me hope.

 

One foot in front of the other, just pushing forward daily.

 

Maybe this will help someone else today.

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

[[Py...]]

So many protracted success stories lately.. This  gives me hope

 

[[Fr...]]

I could read this story over and over, Albie.  Thank you for writing and sharing it.  I love the forest metaphor.

 

Lisa

[[...]]

Alibis, what a wonderful and timely post for me. Yesterday and today were my darkest hours and I can't even begin to describe my utmost despair. Death was the only way out for me and I was tempted to take that option. But my God, benzo buddies, my family have come to my rescue. Your post fills my hope tank again. I have a lot of similarity with you in this w/d journey, especially in the insomnia area. Your recovery gave me so much hope, b/c I honestly don't know how I am going to sleep normal again.

Thank you so very much. Please keep coming back.

 

Ed C

[[Bi...]]

Dear Albbie,

Im in the beginning I'd my benzo nightmare. It's the only thing I am on, Ativan. I started at 4 mg am now at 3.0625. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

I read your success story this morning and just wanted to say thanks, if you can go thru what you did then I can do this.

 

Thanks for the help and God Bless you.

[[Al...]]

Hey Benzo Buddies,

 

Thank you so much for all of your kind words.

 

The real reason I'm logging in today is not about me, but about you, and that it seems like the fact that I had such serious struggles and survived this seems to give people hope. So, I thought if I logged in, maybe my original success story would in some small way help some more folks who are in the dark throes of Ambien or Benzo withdrawal.

 

It's now been 4 years since I've been off all of that stuff. And I've felt fully healed for pretty much two years now. Sure I still have pressure and some anxiety in life, but absolutely NOTHING like the drug-induced terror that is Ambien, benzo and narcotic addiction and withdrawal. It's so cliche', but trust me, time really is the great healer.

 

One other thing on a more personal note, I suffered a major heart attack and cardiac arrest last year, and was, well, dead for 6 to 8 minutes. My wife wasn't sure exactly how long, but luckily I was in the ER at the time so they could force oxygen, so I'm not brain dead, at least I'm pretty sure I'm not ;-). It was NOT, I repeat NOT related to my prescription drugs in any way that I know of. I was in pretty good shape, not depressed, not overweight and not stressed at work or at home. But I do have a family history of high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease and I'm a former smoker. Anyway, I just wanted to say 2 things about that:

1) They kept pushing benzos and Ambien on me when I was in hospital recovering from my heart attack. And I just kept politely saying, "No thank you. All I'm feeling is a little normal anxiety and normal questions anyone would have after an event of this magnitude." And I was out of the hospital in 3 days and back to work in a week.

2) Even as scary as this whole heart attack/dying thing was, it didn't even compare to the sheer fear and terror I felt from benzo/Ambien withdrawal. So, take solace in knowing that what you're going through it real, it's really, really tough. And it does get better, completely better.

 

So, while I'm not model citizen (I still drink a few glasses of wine every night, don't exercise as regularly as I should, and should probably drop 15 pounds), they haven't gotten rid of me yet. And, so, here I am celebrating 4 years benzo-, Ambien- and opiate-free and 1 year of living after the particular kind of heart attack they call "the widow maker."

 

So, considering just 4+ years ago, living in Ambien, benzo and Vicodin hell and seriously considering taking my own life, and now I just want to do better and live as long as I can, I marvel at how much things can change, and thank God for the second chance.

 

Most of all, I just hope this message gets through to anybody who is that desperate, because I've been there and back, and I know how horrible what you're going through is, but please hang on and believe that time free of these drugs will heal your body, mind, spirit and soul, as impossible as that may seem.

 

Best wishes Buddies!

 

Sincerely,

Albie

 

[[Bo...]]

Thank you for coming back to give hope to those, like me, still suffering. 

 

As scary as almost dying from a heart attack must be, I find it interesting that you say Benzo hell is worse.  It truly must be the hardest thing to live through.

 

How long was it before you turned the corner?  I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I do. 

[Guest [Mi...]]

Thank you so much, Albie. I'm in a serious wave, and your story brought me to tears and I realized, it's not so bad - for a long time, I couldn't feel anything!

 

You've been through so much and your story is so uplifting.

 

Thanks again for coming back and telling us it gets better. Wishing you many, many years of benzo free happiness.

[[Ga...]]

Dear Albie

thank you so much for coming back and sharing your encouraging story.  I can tell you are a caring person with a kind heart and you deserve a happy healed  life.  I was in tears reading your story from 2013 and all your posts since then.  Very encouraging and uplifting.  We all who are still suffering need to read these stories.  We walk this hard road hand in hand.  I am at my one year off anniversary but still not doing good, new sxs have kicked in.  But, I am better than I was one year ago that's for sure.

 

I wish you happy, fulfilled days, bless you.  You are strong and so must we be.  Time is our healer.

Be well!

Galea

[[...]]

Dear Albie, as someone who works in the emergency field, pre hospital and hospital setting, let me just tell you how incredibly RARE it is that someone survives cardiac arrest. Even with prompt emergent care, the heart is so fragile. I am sure you have heard this already but my God man, you are very blessed, lucky and fortunate. You obviously have one tough heart <3 Congratulations and take care!!!

[[...]]

Thank you Albie! I really needed this today!!!

[[Wo...]]

Hey Benzo Buddies,

 

Thank you so much for all of your kind words.

 

The real reason I'm logging in today is not about me, but about you, and that it seems like the fact that I had such serious struggles and survived this seems to give people hope. So, I thought if I logged in, maybe my original success story would in some small way help some more folks who are in the dark throes of Ambien or Benzo withdrawal.

 

It's now been 4 years since I've been off all of that stuff. And I've felt fully healed for pretty much two years now. Sure I still have pressure and some anxiety in life, but absolutely NOTHING like the drug-induced terror that is Ambien, benzo and narcotic addiction and withdrawal. It's so cliche', but trust me, time really is the great healer.

 

One other thing on a more personal note, I suffered a major heart attack and cardiac arrest last year, and was, well, dead for 6 to 8 minutes. My wife wasn't sure exactly how long, but luckily I was in the ER at the time so they could force oxygen, so I'm not brain dead, at least I'm pretty sure I'm not ;-). It was NOT, I repeat NOT related to my prescription drugs in any way that I know of. I was in pretty good shape, not depressed, not overweight and not stressed at work or at home. But I do have a family history of high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease and I'm a former smoker. Anyway, I just wanted to say 2 things about that:

1) They kept pushing benzos and Ambien on me when I was in hospital recovering from my heart attack. And I just kept politely saying, "No thank you. All I'm feeling is a little normal anxiety and normal questions anyone would have after an event of this magnitude." And I was out of the hospital in 3 days and back to work in a week.

2) Even as scary as this whole heart attack/dying thing was, it didn't even compare to the sheer fear and terror I felt from benzo/Ambien withdrawal. So, take solace in knowing that what you're going through it real, it's really, really tough. And it does get better, completely better.

 

So, while I'm not model citizen (I still drink a few glasses of wine every night, don't exercise as regularly as I should, and should probably drop 15 pounds), they haven't gotten rid of me yet. And, so, here I am celebrating 4 years benzo-, Ambien- and opiate-free and 1 year of living after the particular kind of heart attack they call "the widow maker."

 

So, considering just 4+ years ago, living in Ambien, benzo and Vicodin hell and seriously considering taking my own life, and now I just want to do better and live as long as I can, I marvel at how much things can change, and thank God for the second chance.

 

Most of all, I just hope this message gets through to anybody who is that desperate, because I've been there and back, and I know how horrible what you're going through is, but please hang on and believe that time free of these drugs will heal your body, mind, spirit and soul, as impossible as that may seem.

 

Best wishes Buddies!

 

Sincerely,

Albie

 

Wow Albie

 

Your update just came at the right time, everything you write about the despair and sheer organic fear or terror as a better word is me right now, I have many symptoms still at 20 months off but my worst are constant severe DP DR with total disconnection from life and family and no sense of identity whatsoever, I have no clue who I really am and never connect to where I am so I feel all day every day like the guy in the woods in your original success story.

 

How we live through this insane torture and survive it I will never know, I can't remember my life anymore before benzos and when family show me pictures I feel no connection, it's like I'm looking at characters from a movie I vaguely remember watching years ago but I don't know them personally so I am all the time asking myself how I even know my own family!!! What a horrible cruel way to live, did you have severe DP DR like I describe and if so how long before it sent away and what was it like when you came back? Did you connect to family and life again or did you have to relearn how to fit in again to life ? Coming out of DP DR must feel like waking up from a coma and wondering where you have been, I walk around like I feel dead with no emotion or personality and I'm never ever sure if I'm even here, never had any of this before benzos and I originally only took them for 2 weeks for chronic headaches, mistake was going back on to taper over 4 months been none the wiser about withdrawal or stopping them C/T after 2 weeks...

 

Does all this madness, DP DR, Organic Fear, Organic Anxiety and weird crippling physical sensations along with chronic head pressure and boaty brain really go away for EVERYONE? as I'm worried I'm now going to be the first that will never recover ?

 

Please tell me about the DP DR if you had it and how it was when it finally left ??

 

Bless you

 

Woofs

[[Te...]]

Thank you very much, Albie1!! You went to hell and came back a new person, filled with optimism and love for life. It was so inspirational to read about your journey, and you are another uplifting soul who gives me much more faith and hope. When things are so down for such a long period of time, it seems impossible that I'll get back to feeling normal again. I love what you said about the lighted meadow, the helicopter panning in to reveal that healing was much nearer than originally imagined. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with us!! 

[[Lo...]]

 

1) They kept pushing benzos and Ambien on me when I was in hospital recovering from my heart attack. And I just kept politely saying, "No thank you. All I'm feeling is a little normal anxiety and normal questions anyone would have after an event of this magnitude." And I was out of the hospital in 3 days and back to work in a week.

 

2) Even as scary as this whole heart attack/dying thing was, it didn't even compare to the sheer fear and terror I felt from benzo/Ambien withdrawal. So, take solace in knowing that what you're going through it real, it's really, really tough. And it does get better, completely better.

 

Most of all, I just hope this message gets through to anybody who is that desperate, because I've been there and back, and I know how horrible what you're going through is, but please hang on and believe that time free of these drugs will heal your body, mind, spirit and soul, as impossible as that may seem.

 

Best wishes Buddies!

 

Sincerely,

Albie

 

Thank you so much for sharing...my God...a heart attack! You're here for a divine purpose. I now know that I will make it...I will make it!!!! Thank you and many blessings! 

[[ve...]]

Albie my buddy,

 

So good to see that you are doing well and recovering nicely after your heart attack.  I rarely come to BB anymore, but like you on occasion, I do pop in from time to time.  You have been through quite an ordeal.  I am so glad to read that you have overcome so many challenges in your life, including this latest cardiac one.  I have a family history of cardiac issues, so I take a statin but I turned down beta blockers back in the early years off the benzo when my bp was fluctuating and my doctor wanted to put me on one.  I decided to exercise and lose some weight, which did fortunately get my BP under control.  Like you, I do enjoy a glass of wine or two on occasion (which can also raise BP), although I don't drink every day.  More of a social drinker, once or twice a week, a little more so in the summer and end of the year, but keep it to a couple glasses of wine on occasion.  I know there is a debate on some threads about whether one "should" drink after benzos.  I've always felt it was a personal decision but that it's likely best to wait one to two years if possible after becoming benzo free, before consuming alcohol.  Some do better with total abstinence which I respect too.

 

I remember when you became benzo free some years back and were getting ready to deal with the nicotine.  You are a survivor and inspiring to so many .  I enjoyed our exchanges over the years and wish you ongoing success and happiness in the coming years.  As for me, I am fully recovered.  The only time I ever think about a benzo is when my wife occasionally brings up taking a cruise and I remember that fateful cruise back in 2008 when I took valium for three weeks and then abruptly stopped them, causing the spiraling events that led to my reinstatement and taper off.  I still wonder whether it was the valium alone or the combination with the bonine (sea sickness medication) that ultimately caused the vertigo and initial strong withdrawal. I will never take a benzo again (in fact have it in my medical file that I am allergic to them :-) but I do wonder whether I would take a Dramamine or bonine medication on a cruise since I do tend to not have good sea legs.  I may just avoid cruises all together, haven't been on one since 2008 and don't feel like I'm missing much.  I've been on two cruises in my life and while I enjoyed some aspects of them, I generally like traveling on my own and not rushing out of one port or another after a few hours. In any case, there will be no cruising in my immediate future since I don't miss it! 

 

Again, best wishes to you and your family.  Enjoy the rest of your summer and take good care.

 

Vertigo