Violent thoughts-feelings of aggression? HELP!

[[no...]]

I never dealt much w/ this at all prior to w/d. I sometimes had concerns over my health that I would semi-obsess over, but I would just go for a medical test, get the diagnosis, and end of story. So this really came out of the blue, in my opinion. It was literally 7 days after my last dose of Ativan. I was having a sleepless night and all of the sudden, I had the thought of harming a family member - and I was like "WTF was that?!?!?" And so this has been my most troubling symptom. The muscle burning, the band around the head feeling, the digestive issues, the higher anxiety and depression and insomnia - that all sucks. But these thoughts, they just crush me. I wouldn't be surprised if this was some form of "pure o" - it sure sounds like it. But from my past history and lack of any true obsessive traits, it seems to be w/d produced... Sigh...

[[Hj...]]

I have health obsessions but for a good reason. I had an 18 wheeler smack a bridge and his 13 TON earth moving tractor flew through the air and landed on our car. It actually made CNN. It tore my neck up and I had surgery on my neck. So I'm always freaking over my health and thinking the worst. I've lived in MRI machines for six years. I'm with you on the fact that it's w/d induced. Some are really lucky not to get that symptom but ALOT of people get it. It's just an enormous amount of fear because you're afraid of everything. For me realizing it's part of w/d helps but yea it's the worst symptom of this mess! The Charles Linden video on YouTube is helpful. He went through it. Good luck to you in your recovery.

[[no...]]

I'll check out that Charles Linden video - Thanks for recommending it!

[[Pa...]]

Dear Now-Power,

 

Wow, what a touchy situation, for yourself and everyone. Nobody knows. Psychologists and psychiatrists both are very clear to the courts that they cannot predict violent behavior. If you go to a doctor or ER, they will give you drugs. That's what they do. You have expressed your concern, other BB have expressed this concern, and I am expressing this concern.

 

You have expressed your concerns and anxieties about these thoughts in a very caring and responsible manner. You have been told by those who know you best and your psychiatrist that they are not concerned. You are sane and strong. You know the difference between who you are and these thoughts that are benzo driven. They are just thoughts. You can: (1) Let them go flitting by into a far far distance far away; (2) imagine a glass wall between you and these thoughts; or (3) run them backwards in your mind until they lose their charge.

 

To be extra extra sure, you might get a professional second opinion. First you mentioned 'psychologist' and then you mentioned 'psychiatrist'. Which one is it? They are totally different professions. My best guess is that a licensed psychologist who does CBT would be most help to you now. Good idea to have both.

 

You are a beautiful human being. Sorry you are going through this suffering. Sorry for all of us. It is not our fault. We did nothing wrong.

 

PapaDoc

 

 

 

[[ce...]]

Point of desperation here.  Please tell me that some of you can relate to the intensely violent thoughts that have almost constantly been popping into my mind lately. I've read that "intrusive thoughts" or "obsessive thoughts" are common, and I even saw somewhere that violent and/or sexual thoughts are common, but I'm not seeing anyone mention experiencing this. I'm terrified that I'm going to carry out one of these thoughts, but my wife assures me that I haven't shown any signs of aggression whatsoever since this all began - I just seem scared and sad.  But I'm literally going through life lately having horrific violent thoughts towards everyone and everything, but especially my family, which is destroying me.  I'm on the verge of hospitalizing myself because I feel like I need to be locked away, but my wife thinks it's a bad idea and doesn't think it's necessary, regardless of the severity of the thoughts.  I feel dangerous and I'm scared.

Yeah, this is not that uncommon and it is terrifying!!!  I had thoughts I never imagined possible in wd. I tried really hard to avoid people completely when I was feeling this way. That is not always easy, but you have to protect yourself and others. Mostly I just yelled a lot (because of horrific pain), but there were times I felt I'd do something worse than yelling. I threw a phone at the wall once. I really think people are afraid to talk about this because it is so scary. No one ever wants to intentionally harm someone.  Until I went through wd I didn't have a violent bone in my body. That's how evil the drugs are. I used to watch the news and hear about someone who was in a rage and did something terrible due to drugs.  Well, now I understand what that means.  And, I'm guessing that men struggle with this even more than women.  I felt like my mind was broken and that I was out of control several times. I literally do not have this issue anymore, so I know it was wd related.

[[Fe...]]

CBT, Meditation, yoga... all of these will help you to learn to manage your thoughts. I have learned to recognize these thoughts as unwanted and have learned to let them go. You can learn it also. It ain't magic but boy would it kill the pharma business if everyone learned to simply manage their thoughts rather than trying to eliminate them with drugs.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

This has been a HUGE symptom for me.  I won't go into detail because that won't help you.  What also won't help you is telling yourself over and over that these thoughts aren't you (even though that's true).  You need to derail the thoughts, distract and get on to another subject IMMEDIATELY.  Don't let the thought settle for long because then you start analyzing every single thought and scare yourself into thinking you've become a monster.  What works for me it's talking out loud or in my brain immediately when I get one--sometimes I'll look at something and say "hey that reminds me of the time we were on vacation and we swam in the lake--oh that was a beautiful day--then we went for ice cream--oh that was the best cookie dough ever"--JUST GET YOUR BRAIN GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.  It is exercise as much as anything physical you can do for yourself, and as such it takes manual effort.  Someone said here something that has helped me immensely:  your brain's GABA receptors have been compromised so your brain can't properly absord natural benzos that are produced.  GABA is what slows your thoughts down and allows you to categorize them and file them properly in your brain.  When the receptors are "damaged", your brain just shoots off crazy stuff that has nothing to do with the way you really feel or think...it just doesn't have what it needs to slow down and shut down stupid stuff.

 

Think about it--when you dream and you have crazy thoughts or actions in your dream, does it terrify you like crazy thoughts when you're awake?  No because you know it was just a dream and  your brain was trying to process days/weeks and years of input while you were sleeping.  It's trying to do the same when you're awake, so you need to brush it off like you do when it happens at night.

 

DON'T ANALYZE, DON'T MEDITATE (SORRY IF SOMEONE SUGGESTED IT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME), JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT THOUGHT.  DRIVE THE TRAIN, DON'T LET IT DRIVE YOU.  UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE TO DO IT MANUALLY FOR A WHILE AND THAT'S OKAY!!!  YOU ARE GIVING YOUR BRAIN EXCEPTIONAL THERAPY.  It's difficult, just like when you do physical therapy for an injury, but it works!

[[...]]

I'm glad you identified the problem.  It does sound like the pure O form of OCD.

 

Everyone who suggested that you need help, they should also read about the pure O form of OCD, so that the next time they encounter somebody they think is suffering, they can recognize it and direct that person.

 

Maybe you should join an online support site specific to this issue in the meantime.

 

Having read around on here, it's not uncommon for people in w/d to suffer forms of OCD.

 

[[Ma...]]

Just read your initial post again.  Oh my gosh that sounds like how I felt.  I thought I was an absolute menace to society.  The worst had to do with my family.  Suffice it to say I thought I would be put in jail if anyone knew what I was thinking about my precious daughter and husband!!!

 

You do NOT need to be hospitalized and stop that thought in its tracks.  REPLACE the thoughts with something good and your brain will get used to it.  This is not a pie-in-the-sky suggestion, this is real, practical and proven effective.  Don't get scared, get pissed and cut the thoughts out at the root and MOVE ON!  If I can do this, ANYONE can!!!

 

Know you are loved!

 

Mary

[[Fe...]]

DON'T ANALYZE, DON'T MEDITATE (SORRY IF SOMEONE SUGGESTED IT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME), JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT THOUGHT.

 

 

 

FYI.. moving on to the next thought is what meditation is.

[[Ma...]]

Thanks FPAT--I just have difficulty with the "quieting your mind and letting thoughts flow" thing.  It was too passive for me.  I needed to take action with my thoughts.  Thrilled that it works for you! 

 

Mary

[[Ho...]]

This has been a HUGE symptom for me.  I won't go into detail because that won't help you.  What also won't help you is telling yourself over and over that these thoughts aren't you (even though that's true).  You need to derail the thoughts, distract and get on to another subject IMMEDIATELY.  Don't let the thought settle for long because then you start analyzing every single thought and scare yourself into thinking you've become a monster.  What works for me it's talking out loud or in my brain immediately when I get one--sometimes I'll look at something and say "hey that reminds me of the time we were on vacation and we swam in the lake--oh that was a beautiful day--then we went for ice cream--oh that was the best cookie dough ever"--JUST GET YOUR BRAIN GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.  It is exercise as much as anything physical you can do for yourself, and as such it takes manual effort.  Someone said here something that has helped me immensely:  your brain's GABA receptors have been compromised so your brain can't properly absord natural benzos that are produced.  GABA is what slows your thoughts down and allows you to categorize them and file them properly in your brain.  When the receptors are "damaged", your brain just shoots off crazy stuff that has nothing to do with the way you really feel or think...it just doesn't have what it needs to slow down and shut down stupid stuff.

 

Think about it--when you dream and you have crazy thoughts or actions in your dream, does it terrify you like crazy thoughts when you're awake?  No because you know it was just a dream and  your brain was trying to process days/weeks and years of input while you were sleeping.  It's trying to do the same when you're awake, so you need to brush it off like you do when it happens at night.

 

DON'T ANALYZE, DON'T MEDITATE (SORRY IF SOMEONE SUGGESTED IT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME), JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT THOUGHT.  DRIVE THE TRAIN, DON'T LET IT DRIVE YOU.  UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE TO DO IT MANUALLY FOR A WHILE AND THAT'S OKAY!!!  YOU ARE GIVING YOUR BRAIN EXCEPTIONAL THERAPY.  It's difficult, just like when you do physical therapy for an injury, but it works!

 

While it's true that meditation doesn't work for everyone, I think it's worth a try. Stating that now-power not do something, so categorically may not be in the best interest of now-power.

[[no...]]

Thank you all who are responding to this thread. Knowing I'm not alone in thinking these thoughts is in itself comforting. I have never been a violent person nor enjoyed violent media. So imagine my horror in having a violent thought 7 days after my last dose. I was floored. So I know this beast was triggered by w/d. It's served up by good old benzo-damage. It just makes me want to cry every time a thought pops in my head - or to hide myself away. I will put some of the suggestions recommended into play. This may be "pure o," but it came from this horrible w/d experience. I hope beyond hope I'm not stuck w/ it indefinitely.

Big love to everyone who took the time to share some comfort w/ a suffering soul. I want my kind, loving, peaceful, nurturing thoughts back. You are appreciated.

[[Ma...]]

Sounds like you do have kind and loving thoughts--you just expressed beautiful gratitude!  Your mind will slow and calm down and you'll look back at the negative thoughts and feel remarkably strong for having gotten through!

[Guest [...]]

 

 

 

I only came across this thread because I was searching for Lizzy. I have read through all the posts and read this article suggested. I thought it was very good.

 

 

I havent read all the posts but will say to you im sorry that you are feeling this way. Its pure o is my layperson's diagnosis its a very very common theme with ocd.  I do know what i am talking about here is a link for you to look at

http://www.ocdla.com/blog/harm-ocd-1-1488

 

you are not going to hurt a fly let alone your family ok they are just thoughts and they have no power over you.  A criminal has intent dont they and they dont go around telling everyone they are feeling murderous.  Your thoughts are frightening to you also this is another factor in ocd they scare you they dont excite you.  Your going to be ok your just scared.

 

all the best

 

 

 

I am responding as I suffered this problem many years ago. I was not in withdrawal (probably interdose w/d now I think about it) but depressed and anxious.

 

 

I had awful thoughts and would get very upset. I would just cry and cry. The only people I admitted them to was my husband and the psychiatrist I was seeing. (I may have talked to my Mum about it too.) My husband was comforting and understanding. The psychiatrist assured me I would NOT act on these unwanted thoughts. He said that I could go and ask the 4,000 psychiatrists in the country and they would tell me the same thing. He also told me that if I didn't stop the hysterical crying about it that he would have to prescribe me something stronger than Xanax to deal with it. He said that I had had plenty of opportunities to act upon the thoughts and I hadn't. He said that if I were going to act on them I would be enjoying them and not telling him about it and being so upset.

 

 

I later spoke to a sweet young woman psychologist about it. She said that it was a common feature of depression and anxiety. I said I felt awful even voicing my thoughts to her and she must get revolted. She assured me that she only ever felt sympathy for people's suffering. I think they were the worst symptom I have ever suffered.

 

 

I was very scared by these thoughts which were the opposite of my true nature. Even now, I worry that if I talk about them or think about them they might come back. I felt tortured.

 

 

I am so pleased that the people who have shared this here actually have somewhere safe to talk about it. The psychiatrist told me not to discuss it with friends as they might have a strange reaction to it. He said to just confide in him. It was like a dirty secret.

 

 

My husband used to tell me to stop fighting them and just let them come so they would lose their power. He would say that he could choose to think awful things and sometimes thoughts would pop into his head but he just dismissed them. I was just glad I had him to confide in as I felt so guilty.

 

 

I hope you are feeling more comfortable now-power. You are not alone. I hope you read the article.

 

 

Xana

 

 

 

[[no...]]

Thank you so much, Xana. It's such a difficult thing to talk about, but it seems many of us have seen this symptom. It does give me some peace of mind to know I am not the only one who has suffered from these terrible thoughts.

[[no...]]

My evidence that this is completely related to my w/d:

 

1st - It started literally 1 week to the day after my last dose following my rapid taper.

 

2nd - Having a bit of a window today. When my anxiety drops, the thoughts evaporate - or at least lessen by leaps and bounds - which tells me it is fueled by the w/d-accentuated anxiety.

 

3rd - It appears to be, at least to some degree, a shared symptom w/ some of us.

 

I am really fortunate. I have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist who knew nothing about benzo w/d, but took the time to actually read the Ashton Manual. The psychiatrist offers chemical options to try, but has not pushed at all - and has validated every concern I have about some of the recommended drugs. She is simply there to hear what I am going through and consult me. And they are both there to hear my concerns - especially about the thoughts. And to explain the difference between the type of intrusive thoughts I have and those of people suffering other issues.

 

Feeling a bit of relief at the moment - and not only enjoying it, but wishing that all benzo buddies will experience the same and more, soon.

[[Ma...]]

You ARE blessed--I told a psychiatrist about these thoughts while in klonopin tolerance and she bullied me into taking Lexapro or she was going to call the cops or have me admitted (which she actually couldn't have done).  Like an idiot, I was ignorant of all of this and scared so I took the Lexapro and had horrid horrid depression within a week.  Somehow got talked into staying on it for a month and felt like my brain was gone.  Glad you haven't been pressured like that.  I NEVER had bad thoughts before benzos--especially about the people I love and work hardest for.  I'm grateful to have gotten advice from someone else here dealing with that about immediately replacing thoughts with good ones, positive memories, plans for the future, smiling, etc.  It made me feel like a person again!  Our brains are just jumbled right now so we have to manually sort through stuff and throw out the bad and replace it with the good.