An experience like no other

November 7, 2013

Hi PJ,

You are a great writer.

I was wondering did you take Ativan daily or just now and then and have problems? I took Klonopin daily for 4 months Jan - April and then messed up my taper attempt on April 1 (fools day for sure) reinstated from .5mg to .75 and then began a new taper in May that ended on July 28 so total time on Klon. was 7 months I guess that still put me in the long term use category I wonder if my healing will take longer then my use time.

November 8, 2013

Hi Ann,

I took the Ativan every night for about two months for pain and insomnia with no problems.

After I started taking the Ativan sporadically on an 'as needed' basis is when I began experiencing all kinds of sharp muscle pain, cold chills, burning, etc.

I didn't have a clue that what I was experiencing was inter-dose, and or tolerance withdrawals. Being totally disgusted with what the Ativan was doing to me, I tossed the pills in the garbage, and went cold turkey.

It is highly unlikely that it will take you fifteen months to recover like it did me, because my going cold turkey certainly compounded my situation. And also, I don't think there is any concrete evidence that if a person takes a benzo for four months or if they take it for fourteen months, their healing time will be all that different.

I wouldn't worry about your healing time taking longer than your use time or the long term usage scenario, because the bottom line is that you are going to heal, but you are going to heal in the time that your body dictates that you will heal, because our bodies are all so unique, and so different in the way that we heal and in the length of time it takes us to heal.

If you read where someone took three months to recover, and it took someone else thirteen months to recover, do not despair, because chances are you will fall somewhere in the middle.

The best thing you can do is wake up every morning, and tell yourself that you are one more day closer to being healed, and if you are patient and you don't dwell too much on your symptoms or someone else's symptoms ... before you know it, you will have healed.

As for being a great writer, I thank you for the compliment, but when it comes to real writing, I don't know a participle from a motorcycle.

You take care now, and enjoy every day with the enthusiasm and the spirit of adventure of a child, because they can teach us adults a lot about living life in an uncomplicated, fun way.

pj

November 8, 2013

Thanks PJ,

I will re-read your post any time I'm feeling like I'm never going to get better, which is about every other day right now

Your words are comforting and I hope it will be sooner then later that I can write my success story.

I love to keep life simple, and my Husband and I have a 7 yr old who is my pride and joy! He without knowing it, is a great inspiration to me daily, and my most important person to get well for. He needs me 100% and this is a struggle for me at times.

These Benzos should be banned for what they do to people. I read today that the FDA wants to ban trans fats, that is great but how about halting these benzos as well!

IF I had been told that this was a risk I certainly wouldn't have taken this stupid drug daily. It has caused me months of sickness and more stress then what it was originally RX'd for.

Now all I can do is my best attempts at acting like I'm fine to the world and dealing with the waves that are so powerful that if the FDA knew how bad it was MAYBE they would ban this crap for good.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go off topic or rant.

Thank you again PJ ((HUGS))

November 9, 2013

Ann ... I can see clearly that you are a wonderful, caring Mother. The world can use many more loving parents like you and your Husband.

There is a lot to say for living a simple life. All throughout history there are many examples of how kids who grew up in humble beginnings, went on to do great things. Your son is fortunate.

If a child is given love, he becomes loving ... If he's helped when he needs help, he becomes helpful. And if he has been truly valued at home ... he grows up secure enough to look beyond himself to the welfare of others.

-- Dr. Joyce Brothers --

November 24, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone

For many folks, and for many reasons, the holidays can be a most uncomfortable, and somewhat depressing time of the year, because old wounds or hurt feelings from the past, tend to surface again, making folks feel absolutely miserable, wishing that they could just 'hide out' and disappear until after New Years.

Just like oil and water do not make a very good mix - withdrawals and relatives do not make a very good mix either, especially around the holidays - so during the holidays you may have to, reluctantly so, just put on your 'benzo withdrawal smile', and 'fake' it until it's all over, because more often than not, your relatives have closed their minds to the fact that it's possible for you to still be having withdrawals with the same intensity as you were having them last year during the holidays.

If you are sick and tired of faking it around the relatives - spend the holidays alone or with some close friends who DO understand what you are going through. Sometimes, being alone in a room by yourself, is much more pleasant than being alone in a room full of doubters.

Having relatives does not mean that you are bound by some unwritten moral or ethical 'holiday code' that says you must spend the holidays with relatives.

I like the line from the first "Rocky" movie where Rocky said to Adrian; "Yea, to you it's Thanksgiving; to me it's Thursday.

Whatever you choose to do on Thanksgiving Day ... may you find some peace and happiness as you reflect upon the many things in your life that you are truly thankful for.

Hopefully, long before the next turkey day comes along, you will have completely recovered from your benzo experience ... and you will no longer feel like a turkey, but like a beautiful Swan.

November 24, 2013

PJ, thank you So much for this, it's such a gift. This is exactly what I am dealing with this year. I will be holed up again like last year because my relatives just don't get it, and I don't have the energy to explain. What a long journey.

Thank you again

November 25, 2013

You're welcome

Enjoy the holidays as best as you can, in the most enjoyable way that you can, because when it comes to recovering from benzo withdrawals, you are the most important person in your life right now.

Do what is RIGHT for you during this temporary set back in your life.. When you have healed, you will have lots of time to deal with relatives, and all the other nuances in life.

Long before this time next year, you will have completely healed ... enjoying your life with the confidence and the determination of a little kid who is learning to ride a bicycle.

The best to you.

pj

November 25, 2013

Thanks PJ. I am much better than last year but my symptoms can still be quite strong as they come and go and come and go, and I don't have the energy or want to deal with nosey relatives

November 27, 2013

PJ

I just wanted to tell you I have spent today reading all of your posts on this site and just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the most comforting, wise and caring advice I have read on BB. I am new here, 68 yrs old, married for 38 yrs to the most wonderful man..I was given Xanax and Effexor last January by a trusted dr for insomnia. Went into tolerance w/d right away, stopped the Effexor but could not the Xanax, given klonopin to get off but also tolerance on that. I c/ t'd really in June but am having horrible anxiety, muscle tremors and crying constantly among other sx. I am very

Hopeless, scared and sad. My husband is so upset to see the love of his life suffering. I just can't cope it seems.

Anyway, on this thanksgiving holiday that we won't be celebrating it seems, I wanted to thank you so very much for optimism, support and common sense posts. You are a special person. Big hugs and best wishes for your holidays, dear friend.

November 27, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving PJ..... A very special person, and a very gifted writer with words of expression, direction and love.

The very best to you always.

Patty

November 28, 2013

PJ
I just wanted to tell you I have spent today reading all of your posts on this site and just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the most comforting, wise and caring advice I have read on BB. I am new here, 68 yrs old, married for 38 yrs to the most wonderful man..I was given Xanax and Effexor last January by a trusted dr for insomnia. Went into tolerance w/d right away, stopped the Effexor but could not the Xanax, given klonopin to get off but also tolerance on that. I c/ t'd really in June but am having horrible anxiety, muscle tremors and crying constantly among other sx. I am very
Hopeless, scared and sad. My husband is so upset to see the love of his life suffering. I just can't cope it seems.
Anyway, on this thanksgiving holiday that we won't be celebrating it seems, I wanted to thank you so very much for optimism, support and common sense posts. You are a special person. Big hugs and best wishes for your holidays, dear friend.

Hi Galea,

It is understandable that you are scared and sad, and feeling hopeless. For this I am truly sorry. A kind and innocent person like you should not have to endure such withdrawals from a drug that was supposed to help you, not harm you.

Withdrawals from benzos are indeed very scary, and confusing - and they HURT. They hurt in a way that we have never hurt before, because we can't understand what is happening to us. We are put through an emotional wringer that leaves us riddled with so much pain and anxiety that some days all we CAN do is cry.

You are going to get through this. I know that it seems to you that you never will, but it is true - you will get through this, because you are healing a little bit every day, even if you do not notice it.

Your husband sounds like a great guy ... together, you two will weather the storm that so unexpectedly landed on your doorstep.

I thank you for your very kind words.

It does get better. Eventually, you will not be crying tears of despair - you will be crying tears of joy.

pj

November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving PJ..... A very special person, and a very gifted writer with words of expression, direction and love.

The very best to you always.

Patty

Pattylu ... You have a happy Thanksgiving, too

pj

December 1, 2013

pj............I hope that you had a nice Thanksgiving. It was a nice, symptom free day for me. I even ate pie....then another piece ! This year....I was up to the family gathering. A year can make a big difference in benzo withdrawal.

I would like to tell Galea...to hang in there. It does get better with time.

Thanking you from the bottom of my heart....dear pj !

Sunny girl

December 1, 2013

:)thank you, sunny girl

I pray for a lessening of the anxiety if Nothing else. Good to read so many encouraging posts from so many caring and wonderful people here on BB. Hope you continue to heal and best wishes.

December 1, 2013

pj............I hope that you had a nice Thanksgiving. It was a nice, symptom free day for me. I even ate pie....then another piece ! This year....I was up to the family gathering. A year can make a big difference in benzo withdrawal.

I would like to tell Galea...to hang in there. It does get better with time.

Thanking you from the bottom of my heart....dear pj !

Sunny girl

Hi Sunny girl,

It's nice to hear from you again. I had a very nice Thanksgiving - thank you for asking.

Two pieces of pie, Wow! you Must be feeling a whole heckuva lot better. Pie is indeed a very good thing according to poet, Eugene Field who alluded to it in one of his rhymes when he said:

"But I, when I undress me Each night upon my knees Will ask the Lord to bless me, With apple pie and cheese"

Maybe I will try uttering those words before retiring tonight. To wake up in the morning to a fresh-baked apple pie with cheese that has miraculously appeared on my kitchen counter during the night, would definitely make me a believer in divine intervention ... what a nice way to start the day ... a cup of coffee, accompanied by a slice of apple pie with cheese ... be still my heart.

Hi, Galea ... Sunny is so right. It does get better with time ... something she and I, and hundreds of other folks can fervently attest to.

The very best to you Sunny. I am truly happy for you. I hope that all your days will soon be symptom free.

pj

December 3, 2013

Wanted to respond to your post and to thank u for writing me back. I just started my 14th month out. Symptoms come and go with intensity and duration. So ready for it to leave. Feel great and then it always comes back in different ways. I want to believe that this will be behind me soon. It's so hard to endure. Knowing that you felt better in 15 months gives me hope.

December 3, 2013

Hi Jazzy,

You are absolutely right when you say that benzo withdrawal symptoms are so very hard to endure. As you know, it takes a lot of courage, a lot of determination, and a very strong will to survive them because of their intensity and their duration.

Some days those symptoms can disappear quicker than a crooked politician and his broken promises, leaving you with the hope of better things to come, and then, with no warning, those symptoms can return with the tenacity of a mother Bulldog protecting her pups, and once again, understandably so, you, like so many others folks have, you become discouraged.

It has to be such a big let down for you when one day you are feeling so good, and the next day along comes a new symptom or the same old symptom in a different form, putting you back on the benzo rollercoaster of lost hopes and diminishing dreams.

For a successful recovery, we have to accept withdrawals for what they are ... a temporary, painful, anxiety filled inconvenience that has turned our world upside down. When our world becomes right-side up again, our life often changes for the better, because our benzo experience will have changed us into a more informed, a more compassionate, and a more happy, content and loving person.

Stay confident that healing for you is just around the corner. The power of positive thinking trumps negative thinking every time. Positive thinking works.

Month 15 for you is on the horizon, and for many folks, month 15 seems to be the magical number when complete healing has happened. That's when it happened for me and many other folks, and I hope it happens that way for you too, Jazzy.

I sincerely hope that this year you receive the best Christmas present ever; the gift of a complete and everlasting healing.

pj

December 3, 2013

My stomach felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. I went on the internet to diagnose what was wrong with me. "I have either pancreatic cancer or stomach cancer," I thought to myself, as my anxiety began to build, and build to a level that was very disturbing. "You dummy, you know better than to look up diseases on the internet," I yelled at myself.

Being a typical guy, not wanting to go to a Doctor, I lived with the stomach pain, and my not sleeping for six days, until I eventually realized that I would not get better without some medical intervention.

The next morning I went to the Doctor , and was diagnosed with H. pylori, and given a prescription for the triple cocktail of drugs that would eliminate the bacteria that had invaded my stomach lining.

"Doctor I have had insomnia for a couple of years, and because of the painful stomach, I have not slept in six days. Can you give me a prescription for a sleep medication," I asked her, as she was about to exit the examining room. She gave me a prescription for Ativan, and Ambien, and told me to 'take as needed.'

That night before going to bed I took a 1 mg Ativan pill. WOW! Before I knew what hit me, it was morning. I had not slept like that since I couldn't remember when. "That Ativan is some good stuff," I exclaimed to myself.

During the next two years, I continued to take the Ativan, and the Ambien, intemittently, having no clue that I was having, what I refer to now, as mini-withdrawals. There were many days when I just did not feel good, and had lots of weird things going on with my body.

Every time I went to see the Doctor, prior to going cold-turkey, all my test results came back negative. She, unfortunately, did not make a connection between the benzos that I was given to treat insomnia, and all the weird things that were happening to me. I never made the connection either. My only prior experienceI with drugs was when I had taken Vicoden a few times for a pinched nerve in my back.

One morning I had just gotten out of bed, and I began to shake violently, my body felt like it was encased in ice. I went to the E. R., where I was told that I had a U TI, and was given a prescription for Levaquin.

After reading about the terrible side-effects associated with Levaquin, I contacted the E. R., and told them I would not take it. "I would give it to my grandmother, it is a safe drug," came a reassuring voice over the phone. Realizing that I would not bend, I was given a prescription for Keflex.

I took the Keflex for two days, when the E.R. called and said the culture they had done was negative. I did not have an infection.

About a week later, after just having gone to bed, a wave of heat enveloped me from head to toe, my skin was flushed, and red like a lobster. This caused a mild panic in me, and lasted about an hour. The next morning I went to see the Doctor for the umpteenth time.

I explained to her about the previous nights disturbing episode. "You just had too many covers on," she said to me. "That is why you were feeling so hot." Sensing that I was getting irritated with her, she suggested that I should take Zoloft to ease my anxiety.

I went home with a prescription for Zoloft, and a refill for the Ativan, and the Ambien. I was so mad over the ignorance of the Doctor that I shredded the prescriptions, and thus, began my cold-turkey.

That night the heat-wave thing hit again. I spent the night in the recliner, wide awake, my mind racing faster than an Indy 500 car. So it was for the next thirty nights. No sleep, and a racing mind, my body going from hot to cold, to cold, and hot.

Eventually, I was cognizant enough to research benzo withdrawals on the Internet. While scrolling down a page, the word BenzoBuddies, 'grabbed a hold of me', and on that cold December night, with my ever faithful dog lying at my feet, and a blanket wrapped around me to chase away the cold chills, I was led on a tour of the BenzoBuddies forums, where I quickly realized that, I indeed, was experiencing Benzodiazepine withdrawals.

No words can express the relief and sheer joy I felt in knowing , I was not alone in my quest in searching for answers that would validate the reasons for all the weirdness my body was dealing with. I did write my Doctor a letter, explaining what I was going through. She apologized to me, I accepted that apology, and moved on, never seeing her again.

I had around thirty different symptoms, everyhing from electrical shocks, to burning mouth, to twitching eyelids, to insanly burning, and itching skin. I won't elaborate on the numerous other symptoms, since all of you now have, or have had them at one time.

After a year of dealing with all this crap, I began to wonder if I would ever fully heal. But, after fifteen long months, I have completely healed, and am happier, and more content than I have ever been before.

All you wonderful, kind, and decent folks, will all completely heal one day, and like I now do, you will enjoy life with a new found appreciation for all the mysterious, and wondrous things life has to offer.

Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter. The little things that used to upset you won't anymore.

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained.

While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived. All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.

It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.

When someone cries out for help. There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person. People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person. Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ashley Smith:

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

PJ

edit typo

Hi PJ

Can I ask, did you suffer with bad and intense DP DR? I will be 1 year off on Friday and I still have a lot of symptoms but by far the DP DR are the worst, these two come straight from hell.

I honestly do not know anymore who I am or where I am everyday, family members still look familiar in an alien kind of way but I am everyday questioning how I know them, are they real or is it all just an illusion or figure of my imagination..

I have suffered beyond words the last 12 months with months 6 - 10 been the worst, month 11 other symptoms accept the DP DR went down a notch in intensity but by hell month 12 is worse than ever, I just feel so far gone I honestly don't know how its even possible to come back from this, I feel so changed and shell shocked by this whole experience that it has ripped me to the core of my being.

Ive had no windows at all, ive suffered from day one off, just some symptoms have got less, some have got worse and new ones have came along, I do not know how I get through each day, the DP DR ruins my life, im on a permanent LSD trip with no end in sight, I just got back from town and it was like I was in a different dimension all the way, went in to phone shop and while the agent was talking to me I just kept blanking out like I was not really there, then when I silently tell it to go away I get this intense head pressure deep in my brain that radiates out the top of my head, I feel like im stuck like this forever, Ive been like this for 1 year now so cant see it ever going away. All my symptoms point towards DP DR but my mind is just so far gone I cant see how we come back from this, its just like living in a bad dream that never ends, my whole life feels like a dream and so unreal that I can never be sure if I am really here or not, I just go through the motions hoping it will end soon.

I spent last Christmas bedbound so I was hoping to be somewhat normal this one but with only 3 weeks to go I am again ruining out of hope, what away to live.... I am still in shock that I still feel this way 1 year later.

I never had any of these symptoms before or on benzos so that's why I feel brain damaged....

Any hope you can give on the DP DR would help me greatly?

Cheers to your new life, I speak for all of us stuck in this hell when I say we cant wait to join you on the other side!!!!

Take Care

Woofs

December 3, 2013

Thank-u again pj for your encouragement. Pattylu told me you were special and how you got through to the other side. I hope 15 is my lucky number. If not I will take 16 LOL.

December 3, 2013

Thank-u again pj for your encouragement. Pattylu told me you were special and how you got through to the other side. I hope 15 is my lucky number. If not I will take 16 LOL.

Good luck with number 15 - I hope it turns out to be a winner for you.

December 3, 2013

My stomach felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. I went on the internet to diagnose what was wrong with me. "I have either pancreatic cancer or stomach cancer," I thought to myself, as my anxiety began to build, and build to a level that was very disturbing. "You dummy, you know better than to look up diseases on the internet," I yelled at myself.

Being a typical guy, not wanting to go to a Doctor, I lived with the stomach pain, and my not sleeping for six days, until I eventually realized that I would not get better without some medical intervention.

The next morning I went to the Doctor , and was diagnosed with H. pylori, and given a prescription for the triple cocktail of drugs that would eliminate the bacteria that had invaded my stomach lining.

"Doctor I have had insomnia for a couple of years, and because of the painful stomach, I have not slept in six days. Can you give me a prescription for a sleep medication," I asked her, as she was about to exit the examining room. She gave me a prescription for Ativan, and Ambien, and told me to 'take as needed.'

That night before going to bed I took a 1 mg Ativan pill. WOW! Before I knew what hit me, it was morning. I had not slept like that since I couldn't remember when. "That Ativan is some good stuff," I exclaimed to myself.

During the next two years, I continued to take the Ativan, and the Ambien, intemittently, having no clue that I was having, what I refer to now, as mini-withdrawals. There were many days when I just did not feel good, and had lots of weird things going on with my body.

Every time I went to see the Doctor, prior to going cold-turkey, all my test results came back negative. She, unfortunately, did not make a connection between the benzos that I was given to treat insomnia, and all the weird things that were happening to me. I never made the connection either. My only prior experienceI with drugs was when I had taken Vicoden a few times for a pinched nerve in my back.

One morning I had just gotten out of bed, and I began to shake violently, my body felt like it was encased in ice. I went to the E. R., where I was told that I had a U TI, and was given a prescription for Levaquin.

After reading about the terrible side-effects associated with Levaquin, I contacted the E. R., and told them I would not take it. "I would give it to my grandmother, it is a safe drug," came a reassuring voice over the phone. Realizing that I would not bend, I was given a prescription for Keflex.

I took the Keflex for two days, when the E.R. called and said the culture they had done was negative. I did not have an infection.

About a week later, after just having gone to bed, a wave of heat enveloped me from head to toe, my skin was flushed, and red like a lobster. This caused a mild panic in me, and lasted about an hour. The next morning I went to see the Doctor for the umpteenth time.

I explained to her about the previous nights disturbing episode. "You just had too many covers on," she said to me. "That is why you were feeling so hot." Sensing that I was getting irritated with her, she suggested that I should take Zoloft to ease my anxiety.

I went home with a prescription for Zoloft, and a refill for the Ativan, and the Ambien. I was so mad over the ignorance of the Doctor that I shredded the prescriptions, and thus, began my cold-turkey.

That night the heat-wave thing hit again. I spent the night in the recliner, wide awake, my mind racing faster than an Indy 500 car. So it was for the next thirty nights. No sleep, and a racing mind, my body going from hot to cold, to cold, and hot.

Eventually, I was cognizant enough to research benzo withdrawals on the Internet. While scrolling down a page, the word BenzoBuddies, 'grabbed a hold of me', and on that cold December night, with my ever faithful dog lying at my feet, and a blanket wrapped around me to chase away the cold chills, I was led on a tour of the BenzoBuddies forums, where I quickly realized that, I indeed, was experiencing Benzodiazepine withdrawals.

No words can express the relief and sheer joy I felt in knowing , I was not alone in my quest in searching for answers that would validate the reasons for all the weirdness my body was dealing with. I did write my Doctor a letter, explaining what I was going through. She apologized to me, I accepted that apology, and moved on, never seeing her again.

I had around thirty different symptoms, everyhing from electrical shocks, to burning mouth, to twitching eyelids, to insanly burning, and itching skin. I won't elaborate on the numerous other symptoms, since all of you now have, or have had them at one time.

After a year of dealing with all this crap, I began to wonder if I would ever fully heal. But, after fifteen long months, I have completely healed, and am happier, and more content than I have ever been before.

All you wonderful, kind, and decent folks, will all completely heal one day, and like I now do, you will enjoy life with a new found appreciation for all the mysterious, and wondrous things life has to offer.

Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter. The little things that used to upset you won't anymore.

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained.

While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived. All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.

It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.

When someone cries out for help. There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person. People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person. Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ashley Smith:

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

PJ

edit typo

Hi PJ

Can I ask, did you suffer with bad and intense DP DR? I will be 1 year off on Friday and I still have a lot of symptoms but by far the DP DR are the worst, these two come straight from hell.

I honestly do not know anymore who I am or where I am everyday, family members still look familiar in an alien kind of way but I am everyday questioning how I know them, are they real or is it all just an illusion or figure of my imagination..

I have suffered beyond words the last 12 months with months 6 - 10 been the worst, month 11 other symptoms accept the DP DR went down a notch in intensity but by hell month 12 is worse than ever, I just feel so far gone I honestly don't know how its even possible to come back from this, I feel so changed and shell shocked by this whole experience that it has ripped me to the core of my being.

Ive had no windows at all, ive suffered from day one off, just some symptoms have got less, some have got worse and new ones have came along, I do not know how I get through each day, the DP DR ruins my life, im on a permanent LSD trip with no end in sight, I just got back from town and it was like I was in a different dimension all the way, went in to phone shop and while the agent was talking to me I just kept blanking out like I was not really there, then when I silently tell it to go away I get this intense head pressure deep in my brain that radiates out the top of my head, I feel like im stuck like this forever, Ive been like this for 1 year now so cant see it ever going away. All my symptoms point towards DP DR but my mind is just so far gone I cant see how we come back from this, its just like living in a bad dream that never ends, my whole life feels like a dream and so unreal that I can never be sure if I am really here or not, I just go through the motions hoping it will end soon.

I spent last Christmas bedbound so I was hoping to be somewhat normal this one but with only 3 weeks to go I am again ruining out of hope, what away to live.... I am still in shock that I still feel this way 1 year later.

I never had any of these symptoms before or on benzos so that's why I feel brain damaged....

Any hope you can give on the DP DR would help me greatly?

Cheers to your new life, I speak for all of us stuck in this hell when I say we cant wait to join you on the other side!!!!

Take Care

Woofs

Hi Woofs,

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time.

DP and DR are horrible. In my opinion, of all the withdrawal symptoms, they are the worst ones, by far. We can come to grips with the pain associated with withdrawals, but how do we come to grips with or understand something that causes us to feel detached from our past or disconnected to our present?

Keep on reminding yourself that you are not insane and that you are not going crazy. You are NOT brain damaged.

For your peace of mind, do not expect your family or your friends to understand or comprehend any of this withdrawal stuff, because they can't or they don't want to. Once you have healed, there will be plenty of opportunities for fence mending.

The benzos may have disconnected and rearranged some of the wires in your brain, the way they do to all of us, but you will recover like we all do ... the DP and the DP will be gone, and your body and your mind will be as sound as a dollar once again.

You, and everything and everyone in your world will seem real again, because they are real, and they always have been real ... contrary to what the benzos would have you believe.

I didn't have DP or DR nearly bad as you do or for as long, only about a month. Don't read too much into that, because we are all wired differently. Some of us recover in one month, some of us recover in two years, but we all do recover.

I will never forget what it was like not being able to connect with folks who I knew were there, but who, with my distorted reasoning, and clouded mind, were not there, and I wasn't either. I was looking right through them ... an alien who didn't belong ... a stranger to myself who saw friends as strangers. Some days I was like a slow walking, slow talking Zombie, not having a clue where I was going or how I got there or how I got back.

Remind yourself daily that DP and DR are nothing to fear, that they are an illusion perpetrated upon you by the benzos, the greatest illusionist and mind bender of all time.

As hard and as painful as they are to deal with, try with all your might to convince yourself that DP and DR are not real. They are not reality. Reality is still present in your life. Go through your house and you will discover that everything still looks the same, and is in the same spot where it used to be - that's reality, it's real. Your DP and DR are not real, so do not be fearful or scared of what they are doing to you.

The short term, and mild DP and the DR that I did experience is long gone, and yours will be too. Your world and the people in your world will once again, be crystal clear to you.

I do wish you the very best. I do not usually make bets, but this time I will make an exception, and bet that long before next Christmas you will be completely recovered, and you will look in the mirror and say to yourself:

"I know who you are, you're me!" "You're real! Everything is real! and you know what, mirror?" "I am okay now, and I am going to stay that way."

pj

December 3, 2013

My stomach felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. I went on the internet to diagnose what was wrong with me. "I have either pancreatic cancer or stomach cancer," I thought to myself, as my anxiety began to build, and build to a level that was very disturbing. "You dummy, you know better than to look up diseases on the internet," I yelled at myself.

Being a typical guy, not wanting to go to a Doctor, I lived with the stomach pain, and my not sleeping for six days, until I eventually realized that I would not get better without some medical intervention.

The next morning I went to the Doctor , and was diagnosed with H. pylori, and given a prescription for the triple cocktail of drugs that would eliminate the bacteria that had invaded my stomach lining.

"Doctor I have had insomnia for a couple of years, and because of the painful stomach, I have not slept in six days. Can you give me a prescription for a sleep medication," I asked her, as she was about to exit the examining room. She gave me a prescription for Ativan, and Ambien, and told me to 'take as needed.'

That night before going to bed I took a 1 mg Ativan pill. WOW! Before I knew what hit me, it was morning. I had not slept like that since I couldn't remember when. "That Ativan is some good stuff," I exclaimed to myself.

During the next two years, I continued to take the Ativan, and the Ambien, intemittently, having no clue that I was having, what I refer to now, as mini-withdrawals. There were many days when I just did not feel good, and had lots of weird things going on with my body.

Every time I went to see the Doctor, prior to going cold-turkey, all my test results came back negative. She, unfortunately, did not make a connection between the benzos that I was given to treat insomnia, and all the weird things that were happening to me. I never made the connection either. My only prior experienceI with drugs was when I had taken Vicoden a few times for a pinched nerve in my back.

One morning I had just gotten out of bed, and I began to shake violently, my body felt like it was encased in ice. I went to the E. R., where I was told that I had a U TI, and was given a prescription for Levaquin.

After reading about the terrible side-effects associated with Levaquin, I contacted the E. R., and told them I would not take it. "I would give it to my grandmother, it is a safe drug," came a reassuring voice over the phone. Realizing that I would not bend, I was given a prescription for Keflex.

I took the Keflex for two days, when the E.R. called and said the culture they had done was negative. I did not have an infection.

About a week later, after just having gone to bed, a wave of heat enveloped me from head to toe, my skin was flushed, and red like a lobster. This caused a mild panic in me, and lasted about an hour. The next morning I went to see the Doctor for the umpteenth time.

I explained to her about the previous nights disturbing episode. "You just had too many covers on," she said to me. "That is why you were feeling so hot." Sensing that I was getting irritated with her, she suggested that I should take Zoloft to ease my anxiety.

I went home with a prescription for Zoloft, and a refill for the Ativan, and the Ambien. I was so mad over the ignorance of the Doctor that I shredded the prescriptions, and thus, began my cold-turkey.

That night the heat-wave thing hit again. I spent the night in the recliner, wide awake, my mind racing faster than an Indy 500 car. So it was for the next thirty nights. No sleep, and a racing mind, my body going from hot to cold, to cold, and hot.

Eventually, I was cognizant enough to research benzo withdrawals on the Internet. While scrolling down a page, the word BenzoBuddies, 'grabbed a hold of me', and on that cold December night, with my ever faithful dog lying at my feet, and a blanket wrapped around me to chase away the cold chills, I was led on a tour of the BenzoBuddies forums, where I quickly realized that, I indeed, was experiencing Benzodiazepine withdrawals.

No words can express the relief and sheer joy I felt in knowing , I was not alone in my quest in searching for answers that would validate the reasons for all the weirdness my body was dealing with. I did write my Doctor a letter, explaining what I was going through. She apologized to me, I accepted that apology, and moved on, never seeing her again.

I had around thirty different symptoms, everyhing from electrical shocks, to burning mouth, to twitching eyelids, to insanly burning, and itching skin. I won't elaborate on the numerous other symptoms, since all of you now have, or have had them at one time.

After a year of dealing with all this crap, I began to wonder if I would ever fully heal. But, after fifteen long months, I have completely healed, and am happier, and more content than I have ever been before.

All you wonderful, kind, and decent folks, will all completely heal one day, and like I now do, you will enjoy life with a new found appreciation for all the mysterious, and wondrous things life has to offer.

Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter. The little things that used to upset you won't anymore.

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained.

While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived. All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.

It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.

When someone cries out for help. There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person. People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person. Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ashley Smith:

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

PJ

edit typo

Hi PJ

Can I ask, did you suffer with bad and intense DP DR? I will be 1 year off on Friday and I still have a lot of symptoms but by far the DP DR are the worst, these two come straight from hell.

I honestly do not know anymore who I am or where I am everyday, family members still look familiar in an alien kind of way but I am everyday questioning how I know them, are they real or is it all just an illusion or figure of my imagination..

I have suffered beyond words the last 12 months with months 6 - 10 been the worst, month 11 other symptoms accept the DP DR went down a notch in intensity but by hell month 12 is worse than ever, I just feel so far gone I honestly don't know how its even possible to come back from this, I feel so changed and shell shocked by this whole experience that it has ripped me to the core of my being.

Ive had no windows at all, ive suffered from day one off, just some symptoms have got less, some have got worse and new ones have came along, I do not know how I get through each day, the DP DR ruins my life, im on a permanent LSD trip with no end in sight, I just got back from town and it was like I was in a different dimension all the way, went in to phone shop and while the agent was talking to me I just kept blanking out like I was not really there, then when I silently tell it to go away I get this intense head pressure deep in my brain that radiates out the top of my head, I feel like im stuck like this forever, Ive been like this for 1 year now so cant see it ever going away. All my symptoms point towards DP DR but my mind is just so far gone I cant see how we come back from this, its just like living in a bad dream that never ends, my whole life feels like a dream and so unreal that I can never be sure if I am really here or not, I just go through the motions hoping it will end soon.

I spent last Christmas bedbound so I was hoping to be somewhat normal this one but with only 3 weeks to go I am again ruining out of hope, what away to live.... I am still in shock that I still feel this way 1 year later.

I never had any of these symptoms before or on benzos so that's why I feel brain damaged....

Any hope you can give on the DP DR would help me greatly?

Cheers to your new life, I speak for all of us stuck in this hell when I say we cant wait to join you on the other side!!!!

Take Care

Woofs

Hi Woofs,

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time.

DP and DR are horrible. In my opinion, of all the withdrawal symptoms, they are the worst ones, by far. We can come to grips with the pain associated with withdrawals, but how do we come to grips with or understand something that causes us to feel detached from our past or disconnected to our present?

Keep on reminding yourself that you are not insane and that you are not going crazy. You are NOT brain damaged.

For your peace of mind, do not expect your family or your friends to understand or comprehend any of this withdrawal stuff, because they can't or they don't want to. Once you have healed, there will be plenty of opportunities for fence mending.

The benzos may have disconnected and rearranged some of the wires in your brain, the way they do to all of us, but you will recover like we all do ... the DP and the DP will be gone, and your body and your mind will be as sound as a dollar once again.

You, and everything and everyone in your world will seem real again, because they are real, and they always have been real ... contrary to what the benzos would have you believe.

I didn't have DP or DR nearly bad as you do or for as long, only about a month. Don't read too much into that, because we are all wired differently. Some of us recover in one month, some of us recover in two years, but we all do recover.

I will never forget what it was like not being able to connect with folks who I knew were there, but who, with my distorted reasoning, and clouded mind, were not there, and I wasn't either. I was looking right through them ... an alien who didn't belong ... a stranger to myself who saw friends as strangers. Some days I was like a slow walking, slow talking Zombie, not having a clue where I was going or how I got there or how I got back.

Remind yourself daily that DP and DR are nothing to fear, that they are an illusion perpetrated upon you by the benzos, the greatest illusionist and mind bender of all time.

As hard and as painful as they are to deal with, try with all your might to convince yourself that DP and DR are not real. They are not reality. Reality is still present in your life. Go through your house and you will discover that everything still looks the same, and is in the same spot where it used to be - that's reality, it's real. Your DP and DR are not real, so do not be fearful or scared of what they are doing to you.

The short term, and mild DP and the DR that I did experience is long gone, and yours will be too. Your world and the people in your world will once again, be crystal clear to you.

I do wish you the very best. I do not usually make bets, but this time I will make an exception, and bet that long before next Christmas you will be completely recovered, and you will look in the mirror and say to yourself:

"I know who you are, you're me!" "You're real! Everything is real! and you know what, mirror?" "I am okay now, and I am going to stay that way."

pj

Aah PJ, bless you so much for responding, as you know well at times like this we need all the hope we can get.

Ya, I hear you, I do as you say everyday but then the benzo brain keeps trying to lie to me and tell me im damaged and I will always be stuck this way, its hard when I try to explain to family as they say you look the same and in most ways act the same, you just look sad and distant, and they will say things like but when I ask you a question you give the right answer and when we talk of things past you know what we are talking about, somehow I do but then my DP mind does not know why.

I look at photos all the time and even though my rational mind knows I must have been there for the photo to be taken my irrational mind cant connect to ever been there.

When I say to my family everything looks like an illusion and I feel trapped in this other dimension that ye cant see then they really start thinking ive lost it so I have to know say as little as possible on the subject...

No matter how hard I try and distract it still tortures me everyday, in the early months I could deal with it as I thought it would go away but after 12 months it does get worrying and the longer it goes on you worry your going to be the unlucky one that never comes back from it, when I get the thought that im trapped like this and no one will ever truly know how trapped in a different dimension I live its sends me to a horrible place filled with organic fear and anxiety.

I believe deep down that im really here. I just feel trapped in a different dimension and just worry that ive been so far gone for so long in to this other alien world how can I possible come back, I know everyone that got through says it will end once the brain chemistry balances out but the longer one is in it the more permanent it feels.

I just wish I had a window to compare it with and give me hope of an end but ive never had a window yet!!!!

Did you have problems with food? and if you drank a beer before withdrawal now that you are healed can you drink a beer again?

I also worry if I heal will I always be worried something will set me back or will a couple of beers send me back to benzo hell?

Lots of success stories say you go back to how you where before benzos, but then some say they can no longer drink alcohol or ear anything with MSG or sugar, well to me I cant see how that's back to how you where before benzos if you are now healed but still can no longer indulge in beer or food like you did before withdrawal? whats your take on this, are you fully back in every way or do you still have some sensitivities?

We loose too much for such a long time due to benzo hell, it would be nice to know the final reward is that we do go back to how we where 100% before benzos?

I promise this is my last question to you?

May all your days be filled with joy and good health.

Best Wishes PJ

Cheers

Woofs

December 3, 2013