Ohh this isn’t good.

[[PE...]]

I don't know if therapy will do any good at this point. 

[[PE...]]

Just now, [[t...] said:

She said that she didnt know anything about benzo or how to cross taper and I told her that I had a site that could help and she said no. 

Ok so show here one of every online source that says it's easier with tapering with a long acting. Just Google up a good one and save it on your phone. She wants to help you right?

[[Ch...]]

5 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

She said that she didnt know anything about benzo or how to cross taper and I told her that I had a site that could help and she said no. 

She doesn't need a "site." There is: 1) The Ashton Manual (available online) and/or 2) The Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines: Antidepressants, Benzodiazepines, Gabapentinoids and Z-drugs (available on Amazon). The Maudsley Guides have been well-regarded in medicine for 30 years.

[[Ch...]]

5 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

She said that she didnt know anything about benzo or how to cross taper and I told her that I had a site that could help and she said no. 

She doesn't need a "site." There is: 1) The Ashton Manual (available online) and/or 2) The Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines: Antidepressants, Benzodiazepines, Gabapentinoids and Z-drugs (available on Amazon). The Maudsley Guides have been well-regarded in medicine for 30 years.

[[th...]]

Just now, [[C...] said:

She doesn't need a "site." There is: 1) The Ashton Manual (available online) and/or 2) The Maudsley Deprescribing Guidelines: Antidepressants, Benzodiazepines, Gabapentinoids and Z-drugs (available on Amazon). The Maudsley Guides have been well-regarded in medicine for 30 years.

brought up both of thoes. said she would call me back. Called me back and said no. I have to go somwhere else to get help and that is the hospital that got me on.

[[Ch...]]

I have no idea why that posted multiple times! Sorry!

[[th...]]

@[PE...] I think Therapy can help me actually. I have 0 coping skills and was put on for extreme OCD. Funny, it gives you worse OCD. I have been on 2 mg a day for 7 or more years. The same doctor told me after my first week on when I was in my 20s " Enny, You are the type of person that needs to take this everyday because look at how much you have changed since our last appointment." She looked me dead in the eyes and as a 23 year old.. I believed her. So I happily took them everyday because a medical professional told me to. I didnt have anyone in my family who had taken it, didnt know anything about it and I had a medical professional looking me dead in the eyes and tell me that " I am the type of person that will have positive effects from taking this daily" she smiled so big. At the time, my compulsions was controlling my life.  I would be late to work and church because I would turn around just to go back home, unlock the door and touch the coffee pot. I would turn around, lock the door and make sure I took a mental picture of me locking the door. By the time I got to the car, that was gone and replaced with doubt, Leaving the cycle to continue. I started believing that my dog was always sick and would pay massive amounts of money just for a vet to tell me he is fine and that night I would sleep so good. That became reassurance seeking. I didnt know what that was at the time but I do now through research. OCD is best handled with therapy and ERP. Medications can be used but its absolutly possible to get a handle on the ocd through therapy itself, she didnt offer that. It was straight xanax. 

Looking back, I get it. I had become so anxiety and fear filled that I developed acute colitits so I was bleeding out my bum and my little belly would become distended and sadly, that was blood waiting to leave my bowels. I get what she saw. I cant fault her. I have accountability in this. I should have looked up the drug when I got home, but her looking in to my eyes made me believe everything she said. Her Smile beaming. I still remember her name. It was Wendy. ( she no longer works there) so I see a NP named Kelly. 

When I first took that pill, nothing can compare to the first time you take it. You dont keep that feeling long, but damn.. 

I remember it was a hot summer night when i first took it. I was taking a walk barefoot in the back yard, fire flies surrounding me. Not an OCD thought in my head. Not a voice telling me that I was never good enough. The air felt light. Of course that feeling goes a way lol. second week it was gone, but still worked beautifully.  I was under the understanding that this was a pill that you take and it makes you better. Thats what she said. But also, this is my accountability as well because it can not be put all on her. I choose to take it without googling it at all. 

Trauma. Lots and lots of trauma. Abuse. Rough living during my child hood. No stability and we lived below poverty line. 

I started developing new mental issues in 2018 while on X. It was like Boarder Line Personality disorder, I developed worse OCD. I lost a fiance due to how I was. I wasnt mean or abusive or anything lol, I started asking him for reassurance over things that was really big to me, but in the real world, they were not. I started wanting to be with him all the time and never have him leave. That was not me. Prior to him I was a runner, graduated college, lived alone for years and loved it. while on x and currently for seven years, i have had monophobia but I live alone. 

Maybe therapy can help me develop some skills in order to deal with the hell that I am about to face. I never had them. My mind depressed for the past seven years, I tried 12 different ADs. Trauma led me to the OCD developed when I was 9 after a traumatic experience. 

The most insane thing is, for years I have had mental issues I never had, I had muscle dysfunction, pain in my body, muscles in my stomach that never let up and I didnt once think it was from the xanax. Docs said it was me getting worse.

When you have prior GAD and OCD, coming off something that makes it worse is hard. During my last failed wd of three weeks, i was convinced someone was going to kill my dog or that he was very sick, I had this horrific fear that I wouldnt be able to work. I drove up to my moms and asked if I lost my job could she take me. She said no. Not unless I had a camper in her yard, she simply has no room anymore and plus my dog fights others. to be fair, he didnt until he got old. 

My mental health has been failing me recently due to what I have learned about benzo withdrawal and I am obsessed. Every day I come to sites that give me even more anxiety. Its a compulsion I cant stop yet. It makes me worse. Mostly because it solidified what a mess I am in. 

I cant date due to this problem and I am 35. 

Along with losing my fiance, I did get married about two years later. Finally happy, I tapered before the wedding for a  year. Was off for two months when the symptoms got bad and I didnt think it was wd. I thought I had made a mistake and the sound of his truck, the thoughts he wasnt the one, the dark thoughts I made a mistake. So I destroyed everything.  Later I realized what happened. I cant fix that and it eats at me. 

[[th...]]

29 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

I have no idea why that posted multiple times! Sorry!

you are perfectly fine. I had it happen to 

[[th...]]

angie read my posts and said that she will not be working with me in any regards and that just triggered me in to panic and sadness. I just read it and now I feel like crap but I was in a panic and not myself. I do apologize to angie. 

[[th...]]

I guess this isnt a place to vent about your coach. I dont think I will post any more.

[[PE...]]

1 hour ago, [[t...] said:

I guess this isnt a place to vent about your coach. I dont think I will post any more.

The damage is done already. I think you should do what you feels best at this point.

[[PE...]]

It really sucks that you have to deal with everything when in the state you are.

[[...]]

7 hours ago, [[t...] said:

She said that she didnt know anything about benzo or how to cross taper and I told her that I had a site that could help and she said no. 

@[th...], is it possible to find some other doctor, a bit more benzo-wise or just sympathetic enough to prescribe smth more suitable for you? 

I hope you'll manage to sell your house and taper your benzo properly bc i'm ,personally, in fear of benzo tolerance and think once you feel it, it tends to grow, perhaps, not necessarily as quickly as mine but yet🥺

Once again good luck to you and sincerely hope everything will be ok for you!)

Edited April 18 by [...]