Is it the WD or do I really want a divorce

[[he...]]

Hi guys, I did a 6 or 7 month taper off of Klonopin which I was on for 2 years after being on Xanax for 10 years prior. 
I was doing so good, for a couple months. Now it seems like the stressors of fertility treatments and my marriage have me wanting to end it all. 
I feel like I’m always complaining about my husband to my friends, and maybe he deserves someone who’s not complaining about him. But when I am not with him I miss him, he’s been my best friend for years, 12.5 to be exact. 
I feel like he’s not really there for me on a daily, not that anyone should carry that burden. But little things like bringing me breakfast or when I get home to late to cook for him he cooks for himself and makes me nothing bc he doesn’t know what to make me. I have dietary restrictions but they aren’t that complicated if he asked of paid attention. 
I feel like I need to beg for anything to get fixed in the house, currently there’s another roof leak and while he did tarp it he’s taken no other initiative to get rid of the Sheetrock that is wet in the house, I am very concerned about mold, and he knows that. It’s like he doesn’t care, which makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. I struggle back and forth with leaving, with frankly running away, but I couldn’t leave our 3 senior dogs behind. 
 

Maybe it’s the fertility meds (haven’t taken them in a month). Maybe it’s my thyroid levels (waiting for the results) or maybe it’s that I’m in a marriage and I feel so alone. We have been to marriage counseling 2x which the last one all he did was talk about his work, until I cut it off to discuss a recent disagreement. 
 

kinda rambling here…. I feel like if I leave, I’ll be sad I’m alone and do not get to share the day to day with him. We’ve broken up before, prior to getting married and I cried everyday without him. Obviously taking a break from fertility treatments, while all of this is sorted out. I feel like such a failure on many levels and starting to feel as though being on an antidepressant is sounding like a good idea. 

[[or...]]

I'm trying hard not to do anything drastic while I'm still tapering.  Some things are hard to avoid doing I realize.  It's hell to wake up and realize how many things I may have done differently while under the influence of a drug, and most of my time on the C was tolerance wd, which I never understood until I got to BB.

Hang on, and maybe try eliminating the fertility drugs for now.  Just a thought but I don't have a clue about those types of treatments/drugs, whatever they are.  One thing I know for certain, and it's all too real, is I am alone, for 25 years now.  I'll never know if it could have been different if I hadn't made to many rash decisions, like always seeking greener grass.

Probably looking for a relationship that doesn't actually exist, which for me it would be like a honeymoon that never ends.  Especially no hard times to go through.  You have such an amazing start to know that your husband is your best friend.  For me, again, it was always easier to point out his faults, than to focus on my own    Denise PS the thing with going by our feelings, they always seem to change, but the damage can't be undone, just my experience.

Edited April 15 by [or...]

[[he...]]

@[or...] thank you so much, I really needed that. I’ve been off all mental health meds since June 2023 and it has been challenging to say the least. I wonder how much I tolerated of him bc I was medicated. 

[[or...]]

Healing will happen, I'm sure you've experienced some already.  My mental is the hardest thing to deal with.  I have things come out of my mouth a really don't regret until much later.  Don't forget that the fellas are tolerating us as well Seems I conveniently forget that part though, Denise PS many congrats on getting off the poison

[[Le...]]

Everyone is likely to irritate you while going through this. The closest ones you interact with most will get the brunt of it. I wouldn’t make any big choices right now.