Advice on reinstating

[[...]]

Hi everyone.

I've been very doubtful about what to do and what's really this and would like some opinions, please.

6 months ago i finished my slow benzo taper, it was fairly a confortable process to stay functional working and having a normal life. Once off i felt alive and joyful like i coundt remember lately on the drug til i made some stupid mistakes. I took individuall benzo doses, each of them with weeks appart, with no noticeable issues til one of those ruined it all. 

The next day of taking it i woke up with tinnitus and kind of a meekness in the personality very hard to explain, felt off and didnt have spontaneity towards anything, no "feel like it" feeling. But nothing too disfuncional. A week later it all became worse, increased detachment to myself and the world, a paralyzed behind the eyes, in the pre for córtex, that makes it unbearable staying where i am and unables me to chose simple actions as turning left or right, no intentionality, so i have to force every simple task which increases the distress mentally and physically. Cant distract in any way as theres no connection to a self and only the thought of my life, my interests, and even people that meant something to me, causes a feeling of trauma and loss. Cant contact with people.

Also suden muscle loss all over the body incluinding face, i became much older, dont recognize myself, face and body shape changed, constant dizziness boaty feeling, extreme muscle contraction to the point of big muscle size in the cervical área and bruises. An hiperexcitability with extreme emotions and triggered by everything, cant be controled by the mind as the CNS seems very shot or non existent. 

Because i also took a single AD dose the same day of the benzo, i stupidly thought it was the AD causing it all, so 2 months later and out of desperation i made the terrible mistake of taking another benzo and everything got much worse when i thought it coundt get any worse. 

This last dose was 2 months ago and had a calming effect for many hours but not very confortable as the lobomy feeling increased. Then when it was time to sleep all of the symptoms got way much worse.

This all started 4 months ago and i have no life from it, no job, no nothing. Spend my days housebound standing on my feet all day unable to do anything, i force simple tasks around the house and its torture and i cant explain why, its like throwing myself at lions. I"m living with my old mom and she provides everything, she got só much older in only a few months, getting very sick and affected by all of this and i cant stand not being able to do anything.  I have my consciouness watching everything and cant do a thing, like in those dreams where we want to scream and cant. Its like being blind and deaf and being thrwon into a highway full of cars.  Feel like i have no CNS and its an unbelievable thing that no one could grasp, like a science fiction movie. 

I'm struggling very hard and been waiting to improve but its worse, cant decide what to do. I believe these brutal withdrawl is the kindling effect from those doses. At this point and given all the damage done, reinstatement would likely be risky.

What do you think?

If i would have reinstated i in the beginning it would prevent all of this. Cant stop obsessively regreting what i did and now its all ruined with no garantee of getting out of here. No way anyone can live like this.

Thanks 

 

Edited March 28 by [...]

[[Re...]]

Hello @[...], Welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I am so happy you found us! I can see you are suffering, I can relate to every line you posted. 

I agree with your theory, I think kindling can definitely complicate our situations. On the other hand, benzo withdrawal has this unique property, symptoms wax and wane after cessation /drop, new ones will appear just to disappear again and repeat. I never have experienced anything like this either and I see your confusion. I personally think that we have a very sensitized nervous system, adding benzos, other medications and substances like alcohol, caffeine may affect us a really negative way maybe not immediately, but days, weeks later. 

The problem with reinstating is there is no way to tell how your body is going to react to it, it seems like a roulette. Many say it helped them, others regret taking it again. The problem is the next time you try to taper, things might be more intense. 

I am really sorry to hear you are non functional, many of us are, we are in the same shoes. It was interesting to read your post, again, as it resonates with me so much, I have the same issue with seeing the world distorted, however, it really gets better with letting enough time pass and abstaining from the substances above, you will see. People really get better over time. This process just needs to run it's course. 

You may consider filling our your history, maybe tell us how long you have been on the medication and what dose? Have you taken and stopped any other psychiatric medications? 

Take care @[...], I wish you well! 

 

[[dj...]]

My advice is don’t reinstate.  I did it twice.  Each subsequent taper was exponentially worse than the one before.  

[[ap...]]

[[wi...]]

[[Lu...]]

My friend I am so so beyond sorry you are going through this. I cannot begin to tell you how much I resonate with your story. Almost my exact story and I feel the exact same way in this moment. I wonder every single second if I should reinstate and it would ease my suffering. Or it would make it worse. But what we are going through is also such torture. It’s an impossible decision. But you aren’t alone ❤️

[[...]]

On 28/03/2024 at 13:27, [[d...] said:

My advice is don’t reinstate.  I did it twice.  Each subsequent taper was exponentially worse than the one before.  

How about the reinstatement itself? Did it work? How are you after the taper?

[[...]]

On 30/03/2024 at 09:35, [[a...] said:

Please do not reinstate from what I know you just have to do it all.over again

I wouldnt mind to do it all over again if the reinstatement worked. My concern is it may be too much damage done for it to work, i"m very scared getting worse.

[[...]]

On 28/03/2024 at 07:17, [[R...] said:

Hello @[...], Welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I am so happy you found us! I can see you are suffering, I can relate to every line you posted. 

I agree with your theory, I think kindling can definitely complicate our situations. On the other hand, benzo withdrawal has this unique property, symptoms wax and wane after cessation /drop, new ones will appear just to disappear again and repeat. I never have experienced anything like this either and I see your confusion. I personally think that we have a very sensitized nervous system, adding benzos, other medications and substances like alcohol, caffeine may affect us a really negative way maybe not immediately, but days, weeks later. 

The problem with reinstating is there is no way to tell how your body is going to react to it, it seems like a roulette. Many say it helped them, others regret taking it again. The problem is the next time you try to taper, things might be more intense. 

I am really sorry to hear you are non functional, many of us are, we are in the same shoes. It was interesting to read your post, again, as it resonates with me so much, I have the same issue with seeing the world distorted, however, it really gets better with letting enough time pass and abstaining from the substances above, you will see. People really get better over time. This process just needs to run it's course. 

You may consider filling our your history, maybe tell us how long you have been on the medication and what dose? Have you taken and stopped any other psychiatric medications? 

Take care @[...], I wish you well! 

Thanks for your input. 

Its all getting worse 

[[Re...]]

@[...] we have had quite a few members who reported that after difficulties you have described, they started to get better rapidly or overnight. No, I am not trying to convince you not to reinstate, or anything and I know your symptoms very well, I know it is very hard. I myself had a delayed withdrawal and to be honest I am still quite symptomatic still, but it started to improve after enough patience, so did many many members here who already recovered completely 

Hang in there @[...]!🫂

[[...]]

1 hour ago, [[R...] said:

@[...] we have had quite a few members who reported that after difficulties you have described, they started to get better rapidly or overnight. No, I am not trying to convince you not to reinstate, or anything and I know your symptoms very well, I know it is very hard. I myself had a delayed withdrawal and to be honest I am still quite symptomatic still, but it started to improve after enough patience, so did many many members here who already recovered completely 

Hang in there @[...]!🫂

I'm aware of the possibility of getting better raplidly but also the other way around and then would be too late to do anything. For instance, and let alone the mental part that is out of control, my legs are much more stiff than weeks ago, that it may come to a point of no return, like no walking 

[[dj...]]

Edited April 6 by [dj...]

[[Re...]]

[[ro...]]

3 hours ago, [[d...] said:

I have reinstated twice.  Both to my old dose for 5-6 months before I started tapering.  
 

So, I originally got off benzos in 2019.  I tapered for about 3-4 months but it was super messy   Ended up going to a detox facility to get off the remainder which was dumb.  But I got off.   withdrawal symptoms slowly crept in over the coming days, weeks and months.  I didn’t have nearly as many bad physical symptoms that first attempt off.  Mostly horrific anxiety/panic, anhedonia, DP/DR, and fatigue.  There was other stuff but it didn’t plague me constantly.  It was awful but would have been more tolerable if we understood what was going on.  My wife was super angry and threatening divorce.  Doctors and therapists were just saying I needed intensive therapy (freaking ignorant, it was 95% biochemical).  I was off for 10 months.  

The first time I reinstated I felt a good bit better but I was still not well.  The anxiety/terror went away and I had more energy, although I was tired a lot.  I could do most the things I wanted to do but I still get sick.  Things did not go back to how they were.  Some symptoms didn’t go away.  I did a much more methodical, 8 month taper that time and the withdrawal symptoms were way worse.  Way worse   

I stayed off again for 10 months and then caved to my doctor who said this was all anxiety and that I just needed to calm my nervous system down and get on the right medication.  So I reinstated.  I felt a good bit better for 2-3 months but again, was not well.  In that time I managed to go to a few concerts and do this long bike ride I always did, but things quickly fell apart and I was worse than ever.  Basically hit tolerance and then started having paradoxical reactions.  Got to the point I couldn’t work.  Tapered off over three months.  
 

I am in really bad shape now.  18 months off.  Pretty constant pain, fatigue, muscle tension, anxiety/terror, DPDR.  Can’t work.  Mostly couchbound.  Can’t walk around much or be on feet too long.  Divorced.  I would kill just to feel as crappy as I did in 2019.  
 

Bottom line: reinstating was a disaster for me.  It can get a lot worse.  Things right now are honestly 20x worse than my first attempt off.  In my first attempt off, I could still do a lot of things and feel better doing them.  Now, I can do very few things and feel terrible doing everything.  
 

I know you’re feeling hopeless but if you are able to accept the situation, and it’s critical that your loved ones support you, you will make it through.  Acceptance is key.  I was fighting things hard and it didn’t help I had an angry spouse reminding me of all my shortcomings.  And it didn’t help that doctors were telling her what’s wrong with me and how I feel, as opposed to listening to me.  And I know it was tough for her.  I was not the reliable spouse anymore and she is a nurse that believes in medicine, and everything doctors told her was wrong.  I remember thinking things can’t get any worse.  They certainly can.  
 

So sorry my brother. I’m with you.

[[...]]

5 hours ago, [[d...] said:

I have reinstated twice.  Both to my old dose for 5-6 months before I started tapering.  
 

So, I originally got off benzos in 2019.  I tapered for about 3-4 months but it was super messy   Ended up going to a detox facility to get off the remainder which was dumb.  But I got off.   withdrawal symptoms slowly crept in over the coming days, weeks and months.  I didn’t have nearly as many bad physical symptoms that first attempt off.  Mostly horrific anxiety/panic, anhedonia, DP/DR, and fatigue.  There was other stuff but it didn’t plague me constantly.  It was awful but would have been more tolerable if we understood what was going on.  My wife was super angry and threatening divorce.  Doctors and therapists were just saying I needed intensive therapy (freaking ignorant, it was 95% biochemical).  I was off for 10 months.  

The first time I reinstated I felt a good bit better but I was still not well.  The anxiety/terror went away and I had more energy, although I was tired a lot.  I could do most the things I wanted to do but I still get sick.  Things did not go back to how they were.  Some symptoms didn’t go away.  I did a much more methodical, 8 month taper that time and the withdrawal symptoms were way worse.  Way worse   

I stayed off again for 10 months and then caved to my doctor who said this was all anxiety and that I just needed to calm my nervous system down and get on the right medication.  So I reinstated.  I felt a good bit better for 2-3 months but again, was not well.  In that time I managed to go to a few concerts and do this long bike ride I always did, but things quickly fell apart and I was worse than ever.  Basically hit tolerance and then started having paradoxical reactions.  Got to the point I couldn’t work.  Tapered off over three months.  
 

I am in really bad shape now.  18 months off.  Pretty constant pain, fatigue, muscle tension, anxiety/terror, DPDR.  Can’t work.  Mostly couchbound.  Can’t walk around much or be on feet too long.  Divorced.  I would kill just to feel as crappy as I did in 2019.  
 

Bottom line: reinstating was a disaster for me.  It can get a lot worse.  Things right now are honestly 20x worse than my first attempt off.  In my first attempt off, I could still do a lot of things and feel better doing them.  Now, I can do very few things and feel terrible doing everything.  
 

I know you’re feeling hopeless but if you are able to accept the situation, and it’s critical that your loved ones support you, you will make it through.  Acceptance is key.  I was fighting things hard and it didn’t help I had an angry spouse reminding me of all my shortcomings.  And it didn’t help that doctors were telling her what’s wrong with me and how I feel, as opposed to listening to me.  And I know it was tough for her.  I was not the reliable spouse anymore and she is a nurse that believes in medicine, and everything doctors told her was wrong.  I remember thinking things can’t get any worse.  They certainly can.  
 

I'm very sorry for your situation and thank you very much for sharing it. Things can certainly get much worse and thats why i havent reinstated yet, couldnt handle worse than this. But then i think some things are deteriorating more as the damage continues and if they come to an extreme point theres no turning back, no treatement whatsoever. And my mom is old and getting much older from all of this, i dont know how much longer she cant take this, if she dies and i'm still like this i'll have to die too. The worst thing anyone can experience and the most difficult decision, but i'll likely dont have the courage to reinstate, too traumatized.

Did you improve anything? How long are you off?

 

[[...]]

3 hours ago, [[R...] said:

@[...] There are very few successful reinstatement stories. Given what you have shared here, it sounds like you may be experiencing paradoxical reactions. If you were to reinstate, there is a chance that it may not help your symptoms and you may end up on higher doses with no way to taper off. It could potentially make your symptoms even worse. Your body seems to be speaking loud and clear when it comes to these drugs. I understand how much you're struggling, and I want to help. I recommend that you watch Melissa Boutilier's videos on YouTube and contact her. She was in a similar position. She may be able to offer some valuable insights.

Thank you for your input and suggetion, i'll look into it. I believe it isnt a paradoxical reaction even though it seems like it because it was single doses. The doses had a calming effect for many hours, not a normal kind of calm because my system was already very sensitized from the taper and the previous doses i took that caused no apparent issues. We cant mess with Gaba when already messed once, só the kindling effect happened and more than once, hence the subsequent more terrible withdrawls from those single doses. It sounds crazy and unbelievable as it was single doses but i think this is tecnically what's happening. And i think you're right, my body doesnt want this drug anymore, but my body also doesnt want all it hás caused and theres no solution. Looping from one thing to another minute by minute like a caged animal, nothing can help this, no way out 

[[Ma...]]

I concur with @[dj...] as the same happened to me.

I hope you can find the strength and determination to just push through. Go all the way through-all the way and you WILL be okay. You WILL heal.

 

[[Re...]]

[[dj...]]

[[...]]

If the mental improved, there is hope. Do you feel you would have been better and back to your baseline if you rode it out after the first CT instead of going back on the drug months after?

I was also on the benzo for 20 years. I've reading a lot of testimonials through the years and the time on it hás nothing to do with recovery from it. The important aspects are the way one gets off of it and the kindling which happened to me as well 

[[...]]

[[dj...]]

Edited April 7 by [dj...]

[[Ru...]]

@[...] I'm sorry you have been struggling. Whether you decide to ride it out or reinstate will be up to you. And we will be here for you with no judgement!  

Do you have doctor that you can talk to about this? 

I tapered successfully twice in the last ten years. I decided I was going to ct back and Feb and after only one week I my wd's had me feeling like I was going to die. I was in bad shape. Thanks to some of the nice members here who answered my thread, along with my doctor, I reinstated. Once stabile, which happened right away, I then started to taper 2 weeks later. So far things have gone well for me. I realize everyone's body will react differently. Some will say I'm one of the lucky ones.

My best to you on whatever you decide!!

[[...]]

43 minutes ago, [[R...] said:

@[...] I'm sorry you have been struggling. Whether you decide to ride it out or reinstate will be up to you. And we will be here for you with no judgement!  

Do you have doctor that you can talk to about this? 

I tapered successfully twice in the last ten years. I decided I was going to ct back and Feb and after only one week I my wd's had me feeling like I was going to die. I was in bad shape. Thanks to some of the nice members here who answered my thread, along with my doctor, I reinstated. Once stabile, which happened right away, I then started to taper 2 weeks later. So far things have gone well for me. I realize everyone's body will react differently. Some will say I'm one of the lucky ones.

My best to you on whatever you decide!!

Thank you, i'm glad you're doing well.

Doctors are clueless about all of this.

[[dj...]]

9 hours ago, [[R...] said:

@[...] I'm sorry you have been struggling. Whether you decide to ride it out or reinstate will be up to you. And we will be here for you with no judgement!  

Do you have doctor that you can talk to about this? 

I tapered successfully twice in the last ten years. I decided I was going to ct back and Feb and after only one week I my wd's had me feeling like I was going to die. I was in bad shape. Thanks to some of the nice members here who answered my thread, along with my doctor, I reinstated. Once stabile, which happened right away, I then started to taper 2 weeks later. So far things have gone well for me. I realize everyone's body will react differently. Some will say I'm one of the lucky ones.

My best to you on whatever you decide!!

Dr Jenn says the key to reinstating is to do it within 1 month of stopping.  After that, the drug is completely out of your system and the brain is undergoing lots of adaptive processes.  If you reinstate 1 week out, it’s not really kindling.  
 

I think I agree with her.  If I had reinstated one week out, I think things would have gone back to the way they were before.  After 2-3 months, too many new symptoms had started settling in.