Short term use, but severe withdrawal, what to do?

[[Pa...]]

I'm relieved to hear you're only going to use the diazepam and you could be right about the sleep, our fears can really do a number on the amount and quality of sleep we get.  I remember being so afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep without Ambien, I thought I was broken for years but once I got rid of all of the drugs, my sleep came back.  I realize your issues are more complicated than mine, but I do understand the fear at bedtime.

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...] glad your sleep improved after quitting.

So I thought I had succesfully tapered to zero. My sleep was crappy (very late, very fragmented and no deep sleep and no or little REM sleep) yet stable for 10 nights, managed to get a total of at least 6h35m each night till Tuesday the 19th. Then Wednesday I overexerted myself, which activated my chronic hidden hyperventilation. I know that I can't sleep when I feel out of breath like that, so late in the night I took 1 7,5mg zopiclon pill. Zopiclon, because in my mind I was done with my taper and I planned to use zopiclon only sporadically in emergencies. Then 2 nights later, I triggered my sexual trauma, couldn’t sleep, zopiclon again. Sunday: had 2 hours of fragmented sleep till 4:00, afraid to not be able to function the next day (basic needs like eating, drinking, walking) took 7,5mg zopiclon at 4:00. 7h10m sleep in total, so in hindsight I wish I didn't take it, as I likely would have slept a bit more than 2 hours without it. Monday: couldn’t sleep cause of my breathlessness again, 7,5mg zopi and only 2u25m sleep. Tuesday 6h35m sleep, but with 5mg dia en 7,5mg zopi. I just couldn’t handle the sleep deprivation+all my other symptoms anymore (like chronic muscle pain). I added dia, because last time I took 2 zopi's (15mg) I felt like I had an interdose rebound the next day. Wednesday (yesterday): I tried sleeping without anything, but because I didn't, I took 15mg of dia between 2:10 and 5:00. Dia because this was becoming daily use again and not sporadic and I might have had an interdose rebound by taking zopi 3 nights in a row. Nevertheless, only 1h30m sleep! My record since the 2 completely or almost sleepless nights (I didn't measure the whole night back then). The opposite of what I expected. And I really did what I could (relaxing, easing anxiety which was not that bad, limiting movement because of my breath etc.). I think I definitely have tolerance now. Though I do feel a bit calmer now than expected. Is it possible to have tolerance without withdrawal or do these always go hand in hand? I'm at 5,5-6 weeks of almost daily benzo use now and before that on 0,5mg-2mg of clonazepam for 9 weeks, which I didn't notice, neither did I notice taking 0,5mg off per week.

I don't know what to do now. It's not motivating to start a taper again, which I thought I was done with. And then not even notice 15mg of dia! Though I don't know what would have happened without it. But stopping now might be akin to quitting cold turkey? Could my taper have been too fast despite getting a decent amount of sleep for 10 nights? Or too slow, causing tolerance?

If I decide on a taper again, I might start taking it with dinner again instead of between 2:10 and 5:00. To hopefully prevent some of the anxiety and stress that comes with this time.

Because the Verelief can still take 1 to 5 weeks to get here and is only to be used a couple minutes at a time, I ordered the Amofit yesterday which can be worn all day for vagus nerve stimulation. It should arrive in a couple days.

www.amo-lab.com

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/amofit-s-wearable-for-sleep-and-healthy-aging#/

 

Cc @[An...]

Edited March 28 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

I so regret not being more careful (overexertion, avoiding triggers) and caring better for myself (relaxing and healing as much as possible, avoiding internet as a distraction as much as possible) and upping the dose again. The night with the highest dose of 15mg dia was the night with the least sleep since the 2 sleepless nights in Feb (1,5h total)! So what's the point?! But now I have to do a taper again and the risk of withdrawal symptoms is getting higher, this causes some anxiety and a hurry to heal.

I feel like right now, my main issue is the sleep related trauma and anxiety, not feeling safe (and righteously so) and subsequent lack of sleep that in itself causes symptoms like anxiety, breathlessness, extreme fatigue. 

But how to heal that? My 'window of tolerance' is extremely small, I can't just be with what is and go through it, but storing it for later also doesn't work, because each evening and night can be a trigger.

My benzo intake since the pics: 10mg-10mg-7,5mg-7,5mg. Deciding day by day, but think tonight I will go for 7,5mg again. (Not taking smaller steps right now, as it exhausts me to grind and weigh the powder and put it into a capsule, but if it's better I could do that again).

Any advice? I emailed an addiction clinic, but there's no point, because the website says you need to be able to attend real life sessions with a lot of talking, group sessions etc. I don't have the energy to get out of bed or to talk, it makes me out of breath and that feeling alone can prevent me from falling asleep.

Edited April 1 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

I wish I knew what to tell you.  Would you consider tapering off the diazepam and zopiclone completely and staying off long enough for your body to figure out how to sleep on its own?  

The reason I ask this is because its appears its going to be very difficult to manage these medications, they seem to be managing you.  The fear of not sleeping is a big deal and I’ve found the only way to deal with that is to take away the crutch that keeps us tethered to it with fear.  Once I quit the Ambien and faced sleep on the right terms, I got past the fear.  

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...] No more zopiclon, am tapering diazepam: taking 2,5mg off every 4 days and planning to add at least 1 extra step at 1,25mg before going to zero. If things get really bad, I allow myself to stay at the same dose a bit longer, but I forbid myself to increase the dose ever again.

Last night was my last night with 5mg. Because I cut the pill though and took the smaller part without any crumbs, it was more like 3,5mg (I weighed it this time) and the last times could have been anywhere between 4,5mg and 6mg. Starting today, I will grind, weigh with my mg scale and put it in a capsule each day.

Somehow I have not been afraid of lack of sleep since Monday or Tuesday. Ironically, reading about someone's extreme sleep deprivation on this forum helped. This person re-assured that it's safe, that sleep will happen before death happens. I also realized that even if it makes it hard to drink and eat enough because of my CFS, that will not kill me either. And being confronted with how bad benzo induced sleep deprivation can be, I felt determined to get off it asap (but gradually) and accept some suffering in order to prevent worse in the future.

I slept really well the last days though! Between 5 and 8,5 hours. Good amount of REM, some deep which I didn't or rarely had for a while. Felt calm day and night.

This experience made me realize that I actually didn't have benzo induced withdrawal insomnia (yet), that it was all fear and/or activity (for me: overextertion) triggered hyperventilation/dyspnea.

But...this night I woke up the second time in 1 night with just 1 symptom and a new one at that: vertigo whenever I move my head, blood pressure is as usual, normal. I hope it's not because of permanent damage? I read that with alcohol induced vertigo it is (or so it seems) and alcohol influences GABA as well.

I'm not sure what the smartest thing to do now is: take 3,5mg another time or go for the planned 2,5mg? Or 3mg? I will weigh from now on, so I can be more precise than taking 2,5mg steps. Don't know if it's smart to keep the overall pace similar to the '2,5mg off every 4 days, bit slower at the end' plan or if I need to take it slower right now?

*Edit: vertigo is still there hours later.Feel a tiny bit nauseous+tension headache I worry it will stay, it would make it possible to awake everytime I change position, which I do a lot. And this one time it happened I couldn’t fall asleep again, even though I was calm. If it's still there tonight I'm gonna try sleeping on my back with my 'My backsleeper pillow' combined with my XL wedge which is large enough for my whole torso.

 

Edited April 7 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...] Assuming you did a taper? What pace after how long of usage? Did you get what felt like withdrawal symptoms?

Edited April 7 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

Okay new plan: tonight 3,5mg again. Tomorrow 3mg and then 0,5mg off every 2 days instead of 2,5mg off every 4 days. So the pace slowed down by at least half and it being a more even taper. I read that a slow taper decreases the risk of Post Acute Withdrawal syndrome. It's confusing though, because it's also said that the longer you're on a benzo, the higher the risk of withdrawal? Dilemma..

Edited April 7 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

I just took 4mg, because yesterday I was supposed to take 5 but only took 3,5: 1,5mg too little. And I figure 0,5mg up once is not going to cause kindling. I really shouldn't rush this, esp. since the effect now is always the cumulative effect of the 4 days before, or even 6? (I read in a study that after 1 week 10mg dia and then cold turkey, people slept the worst on day 6). Or even 7-14 days ('stable plasma level after 7-14 days')? But yeah, I wasn't having true withdrawal symptoms until last night so thought I could handle the 3,5mg (I do think I got a rebound after 2x the strong research benzo in the beginning though, that came as a surprise).

Edited April 7 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

The pillow worked to keep me on my back, thank God. And without the wedge (wedge was more uncomfortable, felt like sitting). I didn't try to turn in my sleep, no stiff neck. I woke up many times, but because of stress and adrenaline (feeling hot). Had a total of 4 hours sleep according to my Muse S sleeptracker. 

Vertigo is still there. When I went to pee on a bucket last night, I was walking like a drunk person and almost falling over.

My dia plan now: 4mg once more, then 2x3,5mg, 2x3mg, 2x2,5mg,2x2mg,2x1,5mg,2x1mg,2x0,5mg. Takes 15 days.

What do you think? I worry about getting more withdrawal symptoms: familiar symptoms as well as new ones perhaps.

This picture below scares the shit out of me. Is this what I can expect from now on: things getting worse for 2 weeks before they get better?

At the same time, I need to try to relax no matter what for the best possible outcome instead of making things worse.

 

Edited April 8 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

Okay, I just learned about Maudsley's Deprescribing Guidelines, my whole plan is out the window. Glad I found it though. Now that hyperbole from the picture finally makes sense!

[[cu...]]

Update: exactly one week ago I took dia for the last time. The vertigo didn't get worse, it actually got better and is almost gone now. No additional withdrawal symptoms. No fear of not being able to sleep anymore, slept between 5-8,5 hours in total a night since 2,5 weeks. The nights I didn't sleep that well (relatively) were due to other reasons than fear of not being able to sleep or withdrawal.

Edited April 29 by [cu...]