Short term use, but severe withdrawal, what to do?

[[cu...]]

I used 1,5mg rc bromazolam in the past once without rebound. Last week I took 1,5mg bromazolam, next night 3mg bromazolam. The night after that I didn't sleep at all and was crashing hard physically and emotionally. Important background info: I have quite severe chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic hidden hyperventilation, 10 years of my body wanting to convulse and contract because of trauma, which is already similar to benzo withdrawal. So a sleepless night makes it impossible for me to care for basic needs, like eating and drinking enough. I peed in a bucket and that already made me cry and scream. It was so traumatizing. And sleep debt is not enough to go to sleep after such a day, my body gets out of control. I got 40mg temazepam from my gp (highest dose), slept 3,5-4h on that in 2 parts. Didn't want to prescribe me a taper, even though I am apparently sensitive to withdrawal effects instantly if the dose is high enough. The night after the 40mg temazepam I didn't sleep again, even though I did everything I could to relax and think positively. Had a second traumatizing day. The usual symptoms of sweating, fast heartbeat, breathlessness, being an emotional wreck and also uncontrollable crying and screaming, repetitive language (even though I didn't have the energy to talk or make sounds), contractions became stronger and sometimes uncontrollable and also subtly starting to hallucinate. I managed to get 40mg temazepam for a couple nights, took it for 3 nights. Because I read everywhere that diazepam gives less withdrawal, I ordered it illegally and took the first dose yesterday night: 20mg which is equivalent to 40mg temazepam (best guess I read online). It helped me fall asleep, but I woke up after 2 hours feeling very hot. As 2 hours is closer to nothing than to 8 hours, I took 5 or 2,5mg more each hour till I slept. Total of 37,5mg. Slept 5h15m in total. 

Don't know what to do now. I absolutely need the stability that at least 4-5 hours of sleep gives me (preferably 7-8 hours, but preventing tolerance as much as possible is also important to me). So many dilemma's and unknowns, since it seems to work a bit differently for different people.

I'm very fragile in many ways, I can't handle severe withdrawal effects, but also don't want to postpone some withdrawal effects if it helps me get off this stuff asap.

Edited February 28 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[cu...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I can see you're in distress, and it appears this happens when you don't get enough sleep?  Given your health circumstances, it feels important that you work with your doctor to manage your condition rather than obtain medication from online sources.  Its difficult to predict the quality of illegal medications so I'm concerned you could be exacerbating your problems. 

I can see why your doctor didn't feel a taper was necessary for a one time dose of 40 mgs of Temazepam, is he aware of your other use?  Do you have a long history of using benzodiazepines, how often have you used the 1.5 mgs of Bromazepam?  If its been continual or even sporadic use then this is important information we'll need to advise you.

We look forward to helping you sort this out but some additional information would be helpful.

@[Pa...]

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...]I told my gp I had a sleepless night with withdrawal symptoms after just 2 nights of a benzo, so they knew this could happen again and I told them. My gp doctors caused me to have the second sleepless night and traumatizing day, doing kindling and then wanting me to stop cold turkey. They are not knowledgeable on this subject at all. Prescribed me some more temazepam now for a taper, but the steps are big (10mg off, I tried that once (30mg), didn't sleep after 2,5 hours so added 375mcg of research benzo fanax) and every 2 days with no reserve pills just in case, which seems too fast and risky for me. And I read everywhere that diazepam gives less withdrawal symptoms (rehab websites, experiences of people). It's in a blister pack from a pharmaceutical company, it's not made in an obscure lab.

What I told you is all I used recently. Well a few days before 375mcg fanax I think, but that didn't cause a rebound. Before that, I didn't use any benzo for sleep for weeks, maybe once a month for a couple months, I recently came off 2mg clonazepam my neurologist prescribed in weekly steps of 0,5mg. I didn't notice the effects of the med nor any withdrawal symptoms. It's the strength that can make me have a rebound after just 1 use apparently. But now my body is used to that strength and I need to wean my body off it asap but not that quick that I have a sleepless night or just 2 hours which is close to having no sleep. If that happens then physically and emotionally there is so much distress that I need a high dose again to be able to sleep a bit at all. I don't want to experience kindling, but I also want to minimize tolerance, because then this stuff my body needs right now doesn't work anymore at the same dose, I don't want to have to up the dose, I want to decrease it step by step.

Edited February 28 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

Thanks for filling in some detail @[cu...], it sounds like your use has been more than I realized, so I can see why a slow taper is needed.  

I'm afraid sleep will be difficult to come by during your withdrawal and recovery, so preparing yourself mentally to accept this will be important.

Is it your plan to use the Temazepam prescribed to taper with RC supplementation or is it to try to obtain online diazepam?  I hope you can find the diazepam because its too difficult to know equivalencies and actions of RC's, we don't know what to expect. 

Given your past experience with benzodiazepines, you may already be kindled but you can still recover. 

 

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...]Yeah I don't like not knowing the potency, half-life, peak plasma time and hypnotic effects of research benzo's. And I also don't like being dependant on my overly reluctant gp's. 

I already have the diazepam and started it yesterday night. I was surprised and disappointed that what I thought was the equivalent of what I took of temazepam was not enough. So now I don't know if the equivalent is different (I read that 40mg temazepam=20mg diazepam, but that it could also be anywhere between 10-80mg, because they can only guess) or if I'm already getting tolerance and am taking something stronger now. I plan on going from 37,5mg to 32,5mg tonight. My idea is that I try the lowest dose that I think could work at 10pm and then if I'm not sleepy yet 2-2,5 hours later I take some extra, but not more than the previous dose.

[[An...]]

Welcome @[cu...]

@[Pa...] said>>>>

Quote

 it feels important that you work with your doctor to manage your condition rather than obtain medication from online sources.  Its difficult to predict the quality of illegal medications so I'm concerned you could be exacerbating your problems. 

These are my sentiments exactly. I would be scared to death buying benzos online via the black market, esp. with all the fentanyl deaths that have been happening. Very short-term use does not result in a benzo withdrawal syndrome. Physiologically, that is not how drug addiction works.

I would also try to stop dabbling in the sporadic benzo use.

Edited February 28 by [An...]
addition

[[cu...]]

@[An...]Please read what I wrote. My doctors harmed me and the diazepam is from a pharmaceutical brand.

It would be nice to be believed. I am sure they were withdrawal effects and this can happen with a single high dose apparently. At least in me.

I didn't see it coming at all the first sleepless night, at some point my body started acting weird and out of control: sweating a lot, rapid pounding heart, hyperventilation, muscle contractions etc. When I had a sleepless night years ago without previous benzo use, I didn't have this at all.

Second time it happened after I took 40mg temazepam once and then nothing, I was busy all day and night relaxing and thinking positively, trusting that I could sleep that night. Again, my body got out of control at some point in the night.

Then I got 2x40mg for the weekend, but they forgot 1 pill, so I took 30mg on Sunday trusting that now I was a bit more calm this would be enough. I was wide awake after 2,5 hours and had to take 375mcg fanax to get to sleep.

Yesterday, I trusted that 20mg diazepam would be enough. Still wide awake after 2-2,5 hours so I took some extra.

Mind you: I'm doing everything I can to create a sleep conducive setting.

PS: the online guideline for dr's in my country recommends temazepam for a couple nights to a couple weeks and emphasizes the need to taper, even though it's about short term use.

 

Edited February 28 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

It takes awhile for diazepam to build up since the half life is so long, it may take a few days or a week for it to reach full effectiveness, can you hold off increasing until this happens?  I sure wish you could get stable and taper only using one benzodiazepine, that would be the best option. 

[[cu...]]

@Pamster, in a way that feels nice to hear, it motivates me to decrease the dose further (I never wanted to increase the dose!). Maybe I'll try 20mg dia early at 9:30pm with some food and only add some if I don't sleep after 2-2,5 hours in steps of 5mg per 1-1,5 hour but less than 37,5mg total. 

 

Edited February 28 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

Unfortunately, the only way to find out what works is through experimentation and that usually involves pain and discomfort.  I hope you can find what works, keep us posted how tonight goes.

7 hours ago, [[c...] said:

I have quite severe chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic hidden hyperventilation, 10 years of my body wanting to convulse and contract because of trauma, which is already similar to benzo withdrawal.

What is the treatment for your condition?

[[An...]]

3 hours ago, [[c...] said:

@[An...]Please read what I wrote. My doctors harmed me and the diazepam is from a pharmaceutical brand.

It would be nice to be believed. I am sure they were withdrawal effects and this can happen with a single high dose apparently. At least in me.

I didn't see it coming at all the first sleepless night, at some point my body started acting weird and out of control: sweating a lot, rapid pounding heart, hyperventilation, muscle contractions etc. When I had a sleepless night years ago without previous benzo use, I didn't have this at all.

Second time it happened after I took 40mg temazepam once and then nothing, I was busy all day and night relaxing and thinking positively, trusting that I could sleep that night. Again, my body got out of control at some point in the night.

Then I got 2x40mg for the weekend, but they forgot 1 pill, so I took 30mg on Sunday trusting that now I was a bit more calm this would be enough. I was wide awake after 2,5 hours and had to take 375mcg fanax to get to sleep.

Yesterday, I trusted that 20mg diazepam would be enough. Still wide awake after 2-2,5 hours so I took some extra.

Mind you: I'm doing everything I can to create a sleep conducive setting.

PS: the online guideline for dr's in my country recommends temazepam for a couple nights to a couple weeks and emphasizes the need to taper, even though it's about short term use.

Ok, sorry...my intention was not to offend or discount what you said. I did read what you wrote in your initial post.  I suppose it is possible to get addicted from a one-time single dose in some rare individuals but this does not happen for the majority. Most ppl have taken benzos one-off prior to some medical or dental procedure for example and the brain does not become addicted with withdrawal sx's after the one-time dose wears off.

Also, plz keep in mind that many severe mental health disorders like severe panic and GAD (also insomnia) can mimic benzo w/d SXs. The irony is that once addicted and tolerant to benzos, they start to cause the very problems they were Rx'd to treat, only 10X worse with many other horrible bizarre SXs that you did not have prior to ever starting the drugs. This is the case with me as I suffer with severe panic and GAD and I was put on these drugs to treat these disorders. 

Let me ask you something. You are taking these things very sporadically. Are you going to continue doing this after you taper off? Taking these drugs PRN can be a slippery slope.

 

[[cu...]]

@[An...] I see your good intentions and thanks for the info, it makes sense. I do think I'm sensitive to it when the dose is high, I asked an AI bot, said it is rare, but possible. I read from multiple people that if they take a strong rc benzo, their sleep is worse than before the night after. Some possible confounding factors for that first time:

-the night before I slept till 14:15 with the 3mg bromazolam, so my day-night rhythm was off.

-My experience from the past is that after a certain time my body doesn't want to sleep anymore, sees it as the next day already. And at the same time it feels like my body really wants to sleep early, even if I had plenty of sleep the day before. I get super exhausted the later I'm awake, breathing and heart beat start to feel laboured.

-Due to my CFS etc I felt very fragile and that I was not going to be able to handle a night without sleep, which was true: I never crashed this hard. It wasn't just hard, but traumatizing and I feared death if no dr would help me out with some temporary meds, second day I wanted to die even though I have a huge lust for life usually. Downward spiral, overwhelming physical symptoms and doing my best was doing so so little. Everything was too much: laying still, every movement, speaking or listening to people, taking care of primary needs like drinking (which I did too little), eating and peeing in a bucket next to my bed, let alone keeping myself clean etc which was less important. My chronic hidden hyperventilation was also activated, which made me extra tired and restless. I know this breathless feeling can last up to weeks, even in a usual setting and now it was worse than ever and I know I can't fall asleep with that, just like with some other symptoms. Felt powerless to the symptoms like heat/sweating, fast pulse, contractions, crying, yelling, talking repetitively etc and I realistically felt that I was only going to get out if dr's helped me with temporary meds and I felt I had to fight for myself, they refused multiple times. And It's only because of the 175mcg rc benzo fanax I managed to stop the mild hallucinations on the second day, which were scary, knowing that some people start to see scary stuff after x amount of nights without sleep. I was also aware of the addictive nature of benzo's, tolerance,  withdrawal symptoms than can be much worse and diverse than what you took it for. So that was/is also a fear.

-And after the first time I had a fear of not being able to sleep of course, in my situation a sleepless night doesn't just feel hard, but dangerous. Before the second time, I did everything I could to relax, reassure myself, think positively etc. It was not enough. Could a fear under the surface play a role? Maybe, but I wasn't stable and ready enough to face that fear yet.

I did face and process that fear yesterday a bit. To my surprise, I felt a bit sleepy before 10pm already. But afraid of stopping abruptly I went from 37,5mg diazepam to 20mg and I had the best sleep since this all started according to my Muse S EEG tracker: 8h25m, with good amounts of REM and deep sleep, at least compared to how I slept before (my record deep sleep amount is still too low). So I'm confident that I can taper very quickly. Tonight 10mg, tomorrow 5mg, then quit.

In a way it doesn't matter how much is due to withdrawal and how much due to anxiety, which can feel similar in some ways and just as strong and out of control.(And in a way it does matter of course).

This fast taper gives me the best balance of easing my fears for now, giving me some stability and with hopefully no tolerance and (additional) withdrawal.

I will keep the temazepam for a case of emergency only. As long as I'm not out of control, I want to do whatever I can on my own strength.

I want to ask my gp for some zopiclon, zolpidem or brotizolam which only work for a couple hours, to allow you to fall asleep. Only for emergencies to prevent a full night without sleep. Rule: lowest dose, only at 4am and I feel these symptoms playing up and getting out of control and/or like it's too late now to sleep due to my circadian rhythm, which at a very early time already starts to feel like it's the next day, too late for sleep. According to my sleeptracker which I had for over a month, the latest I ever slept was 3am. In case of emergency they could help me sleep a couple hours, without messing with my circadian rhythm.

If she doesn't want to prescribe them, I'm going to buy one of them online. I really need a safety net in my situation. I'm not the type to start abusing them, I'm very mindful, informed and restrained when it comes to using stuff (like hash max once a week max 60mg orally which is a low dose, codeine painkiller max once a week max 60mg even though I have daily muscle pain).

I wish you all the best recovering from longterm benzo use and the withdrawal effects, which are probably more triggered by the meds relatively, because of your longterm use. These meds should never be prescribed longterm imo. But what my gp's did is the other extreme and it was not medically responsible to make me have a second traumatizing day and unable to properly care for primary needs like drinking and eating enough and still being told I had to get out of it on my own strength, despite my severe and complex fragility and the situation being so big and my capacity to do something about it only decreasing, because of the increasing sleep deprivation.

I don't know what PRN stands for by the way.

 

Edited February 29 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...] See my previous message. Don't feel like discussing the treatment(s)/what I do and have done myself or what I'm planning to do. That's for the longterm, need to get stable in the short time first, my stability is increasing fortunately.

But I hope I don't forget the lessons from this experience. I really need to cultivate my inner strength more, empower myself (thoughts/beliefs, behaviors, emotional regulation etc). I really need more mindfulness and meditation. And I really need to care better for myself, prioritize my wellbeing. Strengthen myself as much as I can, but without the exhausting struggle and fight to get better, because 'I HAVE to get better'. Sometimes it's as passive as a good night sleep what's needed to get stronger :). (And the thought 'I HAVE to sleep' only makes it harder to sleep! I expressed it yesterday though till that part was tired and had to accept that sleep can't be forced and there's no 100% certainty ever that it will happen, can only let go and hope. And remind myself that 'I can sleep', thinking about all the times in my life I have slept).

Edited February 29 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

Just a note of caution @[cu...], I've seen more members experience negative effects from Zopiclone over Zolpidem so if you do follow through on your intention of seeking these medications, I'd avoid the Zopiclone.

I'm happy you got some good sleep and its given your confidence in your taper method, I wish you the best and feel free to keep us informed on your progress. 

By the way, PRN means taken as needed.  We've found using benzodiazepines in this manner can also lead to kindling. 

[[cu...]]

Thought I'd update you.

I have decreased the dose of diazepam from 37,5mg the first night to 5mg last night over a course of 6 nights. That's quite a fast taper with big steps and I didn't have withdrawal symptoms.

My method: take a lower dose than the night before at 21:45-22:00. Knowing that diazepam has a peak after 0,5-1,5 hours, take a bit more if not sleepy after 2-2,5 hours. But since I was eating quite big heavy meals before sleep (the more sleep deprived and stressed I am, the hungrier, with an appetite for mainly protein but also fat), it would have been better to take it earlier and wait longer to add a few mg's. I'm not that hungry anymore, so I have been taking it on an empty stomach the last nights and waiting for at least 1h45m to take a bit more if needed, but never more than the previous dose.

I also, with ups and downs, paid attention to what helps and hurts my sleep holistically speaking. I found that it really helped me to deal with my fear of not being able to sleep and thoughts like 'I HAVE to sleep' and 'I can't sleep', instead of forcefully trying to relax. 

I plan on taking 2,5mgs tonight and then nothing starting tomorrow.

I have 3 benzo's now in case of emergency and for this use it gives me some peace of mind and calmth, knowing that I have a safety net. So diazepam (long duration), temazepam (for 8 hours sleep) and zopiclon if I can't sleep at 3-4am and want to ensure that at least I get SOME sleep, but without messing up my rhythm. A night without sleep I obviously can't handle with my CFS etc. it's an out of control downward spiral. @[Pa...]What kind of negative effects of zopiclon have you read about? I chose it, because the half life is 5 hours instead of 2,5 and it works a bit faster (peak after max 2 hours instead of 3). 
I also have some doxylamine succinate and diphenhydramine (sedative antihistamines) and melatonin if I just need a shift of my day-night rhythm (doesn't work if physical/emotional/mental unrest are the cause of the insomnia). 

For the longer term, I have been looking at devices that help you relax and sleep, not as a crutch or silver bullet, but as support in a holistic framework. Particularly interested in vagus nerve stimulation and boosting HRV. I'm going to buy this device (it's on sale for 13 more hours):
https://hoolest.com/pages/verelief-prime
It seems to be the most effective in this area with the most instant results and it's supposedly more effective than a benzo, though I can't find the research that they base this claim on.
I also plan on buying a 24/7 HRV tracker, because my HRV is always very low and this can be a sign of having too much sympathetic activation ('fight or flight') and too little parasympatheic ('rest and digest'). This way I can focus on improving the state of my nervous system holistically and longterm.
I already have a sleep tracker (Muse S, which measures brainwaves). Very helpful, my deep sleep and total sleep time had been increasing, but then I got totally thrown of track by these other vulnerabilities (emotional and physical vulnerabilities). 

@[Pa...]Thanks for explaining. Still curious what the letters PRN literally stand for? I plan on only taking one as a last resort and only the minimum amount needed to get SOME sleep, SOME stability, from which point I can use my own strength again to improve. I have sporadically taken a benzo in the past and never got a rebound effect. I think I only get this when it's really strong. 

Edited March 4 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

I hope your rapid taper serves you well, I worry diazepam's long half life may find you facing some symptoms in the next days and weeks but it sounds like you're prepared. 

@[cu...], I'm wary of Zopiclone simply because many members have had a more difficult time getting off of it, more so than the typical z-drug, it seems to act more like a true benzo.  I hope it work for your purposes.

PRN is a Latin term, pro re nata and means "as the thing is needed".

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...]It didn't work out well at all. I ended up taking diazepam 3 times, a total of 10mg and then 7,5mg zopiclon for less than 4 hours of super fragmented sleep. Because I felt so anxious about not sleeping/sleeping badly and getting more dependent on these pills, the next day I took nothing. And I slept really well: 8hr45m in one go. But then the next day I couldn’t sleep again. Took 2x7,5mg zopiclon for less than 4,5 hours of super fragmented sleep. The next day I felt like I had an interdose rebound. I took 125mcg fanax late afternoon for that, then decided to put all benzo's away apart from diazepam. Then at night a total of 7,5mg dia and a little over 4h of super fragmented sleep. Then 10mg for less than 4 hours super fragmented sleep. Then 10mg for 7,5 hours of continuous sleep. Then last night 9mg for a little over 3h of super fragmented sleep. When I slept poorly I had no or barely any deep or REM sleep.

I feel like at this point, my fear of not being able to sleep is so strong that it is messing with my sleep ironically. Sometimes I wake up when the benzo is around it's peak, all hot and restless. And feel calmer (relatively) during the day. This does not make sense if it was because of the benzo. I think I'm waking up this often because of the fear, which I'm really bummed about, because I thought once I would fall asleep, this scared part would be reassured. And I can't change how I feel during sleep of course, only when I wake up can I try to cool and calm myself down.

I tried to deal with the fear, but it was not enough and I can't have more of these nights, but also don't want to get more addicted to benzo's and get tougher withdrawal. 

But with my ME/CFS, I am losing the ability to care for my basic needs, like eating and drinking enough, going to the toilet/pee bucket, ordering groceries etc. And also the ability to try to relax myself, work with my mind etc. I can't think clearly and everything is too much: physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't know what to do and feel hopeless. The Verelief will take another month or more.

I don't know which dose to take and when, I had different experiences: one time when I took it early my fear arised when I was not feeling sleepy yet when it should be around its peak even though it happens more often that I'm not sleepy yet at 11:15pm. Another time when I took it early in the evening it made me feel calm enough to fall asleep later and sleep through the night. One time when I took it only when getting sleepy, it reassured me that I could fall asleep by myself. Other times I did this I would wake up very often and worry, because this should be the time when it's most effective, yet I was waking up all the time.

When it comes to dose, I planned on taking 1mg off each day, but I'm not sure about it now, since I'm so unstable. But I don't want to get more addicted and tougher withdrawal longterm, FUCK.

 

Edited March 11 by [cu...]

[[An...]]

On 04/03/2024 at 11:57, [[P...] said:

I hope your rapid taper serves you well, I worry diazepam's long half life may find you facing some symptoms in the next days and weeks but it sounds like you're prepared. 

@[cu...], I'm wary of Zopiclone simply because many members have had a more difficult time getting off of it, more so than the typical z-drug, it seems to act more like a true benzo.  I hope it work for your purposes.

PRN is a Latin term, pro re nata and means "as the thing is needed".

Yep, the last time I attempted to stop valium when I jumped at 2.5 mgs, things were tolerable initially. I did not start getting slammed until around day 7.

[[cu...]]

@[An...] That makes sense, according to a research article administering 10mg diazepam/valium for a week, there was mild sleepdisturbance on the first days and moderate on day 6.

Edited March 11 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

I went for the middle of my options: 9mg dia. So the same dose as yesterday, not less, also not back up to 10mg. I just took it at 6:20pm, because I was/am already feeling so unstable all day because of the lack of sleep and when awake I might notice the influence more than when asleep, it has not prevented awakenings anyway. I need some more sleep and then deal with my fears asap.

Edited March 11 by [cu...]

[[cu...]]

I slept really early (10:10 pm) and well for a change: 8h45m according to Muse, consecutively and with a lot of REM (I seem to catch up on that on nights I sleep well) and some deep sleep (which is better than none, I'm used to having too little deep sleep).

I'm trying to deal with my sleep and benzo related anxiety now, expressing it while yawning on purpose which stimulates the vagus nerve, to pair it with something relaxing (counterconditioning, see: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/fear-conditioning/).

Considering I have used a benzo for almost everyday for a little over 3 weeks now and a few days before that quit clonazepam described by my neurologist (latest dose 0,5mg, highest 2mg) for a little over 9 weeks, what do you think of my plan to take 1mg off every 2 days? So 8mg starting tonight. Maybe stay a bit longer at 2mg and 1mg, like 3 and 4 days. Because I read the drop to 0 is most likely to cause a rebound and that this rebound is most prominent around day 6 of not taking anything.

@[Pa...] @[An...]

Thank you so much by the way! Your support I really appreciate 💙. And I learned more here than from my drs (gp's), no offense to my doctors, but they're not knowledgeable on this subject at all and don't have the personal experience either.

 

 

Edited March 12 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

2 hours ago, [[c...] said:

Considering I have used a benzo for almost everyday for a little over 3 weeks now and a few days before that quit clonazepam described by my neurologist (latest dose 0,5mg, highest 2mg) for a little over 9 weeks, what do you think of my plan to take 1mg off every 2 days?

I haven't re-read every post in this thread so I'm not sure if you've mentioned this before but this is important information.  If you've been using benzodiazepines for over 3 months, tapering this fast may be too aggressive. 

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...] what would you recommend then? It's around 3 months, not significantly longer.

I didn't notice any positive effects of the clonazepam (was prescribed because of the constant tendency to convulse and contract that I'm suppressing all the time), neither did I notice negative effects from going down 0,5mg once a week. 

I don't know if it played a role, but 2 nights after taking the last 0,5mg clonazepam my sleep started getting disturbed. What also could've played a role: in the early afternoon of this day I took a higher dose than I ever did of the mild opioid research chemical painkiller O-DSMT (metabolite of tramadol), because I made a mistake in guessing potency compared to tramadol (and I was getting a painful medical procedure). When it wore off  my mood flipped from relieved, light and happy to scared. I watched a docu about sexual abuse in the afternoon that triggered some trauma of my own later at night. I felt like I was going to get nightmares and that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Indeed I woke up from nightmares sweating and crying. I don't think it was the docu alone, because I had seen it multiple times before and the distress was milder previous times and I felt like I was very far in my healing and even when I wasn't, I never woke up from nightmares sweating. So I was totally surprised and like 'whoa' when I felt in the grip of this anxiety starting before sleep already. If I believed in demons, I would say one possessed me all of a sudden lol.

When 24 hours later emotionally I was calm enough to sleep, my chronic hidden hyperventilation* was activated which can last days or even weeks and make falling asleep and staying asleep hard or impossible. Benzo's work really well to calm my breathing and stop the breathless feeling, so GABA must play a huge role in this.

*See Buteyko method: my control pause/BOLT score is 0, the lowest possible. Unfortunately all the breathing exercises are too hard for me, but I can recommend the 'many small breath holds' one for anyone trying to relax. You gradually build your CO2 level, which is relaxing. 

Edited March 12 by [cu...]

[[Pa...]]

@[cu...], is there a possibility of you finding another doctor, your health history is complicated and if you don't have a physician willing to prescribe enough medication for you to do a safe and slow taper, I'm hesitant to advise you.  I don't know what country you're in but in the US there are nurse practitioners who members say are more sympathetic when it comes to prescribing the necessary amounts to taper slowly.  I'm not comfortable with you supplementing with different benzodiazepines, it makes it too difficult to know what is causing what.   

Do you have someone there with you, someone to help?

[[cu...]]

@[Pa...] No, no other doctor's. The gp's from my practice in The Netherlands aren't knowledgeable about this and extremely hesitant to prescribe, it was a huge struggle to get just a couple of temazepams. I would have to book an intake at an addiction clinic, which can take weeks or months. Also the gp's don't take my ME/CFS and other symptoms seriously at all, even though it's in the dossier, even though I told them again and again about it and what that means in relation to sleep deprivation. For example I could tell them I had trouble eating and drinking enough because of the lack of energy, and they would still ask me multiple times to come to the clinic smh.

I can buy the diazepam myself illegally and I'm only taking diazepam now and plan on not taking any other benzo's. I feel like my sleep issues are more related to my fears and stress around sleep right now than to withdrawal, but I do want to taper safely and prevent withdrawal symptoms as much as possible.

Last night I took 8mg for the first time. I had super fragmented and light sleep, but managed to get >5,5-<7,5 hours in total (I didn't measure the last part, because I thought I was done sleeping and that I would try to keep a good day night rhythm, but it was impossible to keep my eyes open, end of the morning I got up, but only because I needed to pee and was very hungry for hours already). I still feel very sleep deprived, so I should have enough sleep pressure tonight. But it's always a surprise how my sleep will be...I hope that the not being able to stay awake this morning is a positive sign of the ratio sleep pressure:sleep anxiety changing in a favorable direction.

Edited March 13 by [cu...]