Almost halfway through taper and wd sxs worse

[[or...]]

I don't like to get on here and complain but maybe it's what I need to do so here I am.  I have some bad (for me) wd sxs, or just same sxs, just more intense I should say.

Anxiety at the least little emotion (happy, sad etc.) tremors are so bad this a.m. and yesterday that I chose not to go out of my apartment, sweating, then cold, sweating then cold, and insomnia getting only 3 hours of sleep last couple nights.  I'm not taking anything to help the sxs as I'm afraid to ruin or make my taper fail.  I think I know what to do to be better is to not taper as much this time, it's been 15 days since my last taper at 3%,  my numbers may be off but my About Me is accurate to the best of my ability.  I just feel so defeated right now, but know that's a lie, I just need to trust what I believe to be true.

I don't want to slow down my taper, or prolong it but that's going against what I've believed from the things I've learned here.  Slow and steady, even if it's slower than I want to go, I'll get there.  I don't want to take something/anything that will interfere with my recovery, slow things down even more.  I took a video of myself and saw how bad my tremor is, and how old I am looking.  All I wanted to talk about on here was how good I'm doing, but that was rather prideful of me because I won't talk about the hard-times, and get critical of others that are sharing what they are going through.  I've heard it said that's called "hanging onto your look-good" Don't let anyone know how bad you feel.

I just think I've become too independent and that can be a lonely place.  I want to have friends but I'm going to just say that Clonazepam has all but destroyed any chance I have at being around, caring, and even loving others.  I hope someone gets this, and anyone is welcome to give me feedback and I promise to listen, even if it's something I don't want to hear because I figure those "somethings" might be exactly what I need to hear, a fellow traveler on one of the hardest journeys most of us have ever traveled, Denise 💞🌸

 

 

[[pi...]]

40 minutes ago, [[o...] said:

I just think I've become too independent and that can be a lonely place.  I want to have friends but I'm going to just say that Clonazepam has all but destroyed any chance I have at being around, caring, and even loving others.  I hope someone gets this, and anyone is welcome to give me feedback and I promise to listen, even if it's something I don't want to hear because I figure those "somethings" might be exactly what I need to hear, a fellow traveler on one of the hardest journeys most of us have ever traveled, Denise 💞🌸

I think we all ‘get this’. Withdrawal is an isolating process, and many people do it alone without support. It is hard and sometimes just impossible to be around others when you are in survival mode. However, this is not a permanent situation. It took me a long time to start to regain my social life. It was hard and not without failures along the way. But eventually I had regained my ability to connect with friends, family and reenter the real world.

I’m sorry about the tremors. I had them to some extent as well. I have no solution for them, I just let them happen and then saw them go away when my system recovered. 

Of course here you have people who do understand, who can relate to everything you are feeling and experiencing. Knowing that others walked this path before me was key to my ability to persevere.
 

[[or...]]

2 minutes ago, [[p...] said:

I think we all ‘get this’. Withdrawal is an isolating process, and many people do it alone without support. It is hard and sometimes just impossible to be around others when you are in survival mode. However, this is not a permanent situation. It took me a long time to start to regain my social life. It was hard and not without failures along the way. But eventually I had regained my ability to connect with friends, family and reenter the real world.

I’m sorry about the tremors. I had them to some extent as well. I have no solution for them, I just let them happen and then saw them go away when my system recovered. 

Of course here you have people who do understand, who can relate to everything you are feeling and experiencing. Knowing that others walked this path before me was key to my ability to persevere.
 

I appreciate this so much, I don't know why I don't take the chance to have good feedback, encouragement, because it is good to see someone can relate, I need the reminders others can understand and speak it out loud 💞🌸 So wonderful to hear that the wd sxs will go away eventually, and you just hung in there.  I will too @[pi...] Denise PS thanks so much for taking the time to reply

[[Fa...]]

@[or...]  Thank you for sharing.  I think it is extremely important for us all to be honest about what we are going through.  If we try to paint a prettier picture, it is not only a disservice to ourselves but a disservice to those who are really in need of seeing that others are suffering, too.  It helps us to ‘normalize’ the process.  Often, it will leave others wondering what they are doing ‘wrong’ that they are suffering so horribly.  Most often, the truth is, no one is doing anything ‘wrong’…it is this horrendous process.  But, our brains will immediately serve us shame and guilt…and, of course fear.

There is a term used…toxic positivity.  I’m sure we have all had a serving of that more than once going through this.  Most often, it will come from those not having gone through this.  However, I believe it is more harmful coming from our community.

Many, many members are suffering to such an extreme it is beyond heartbreaking.  Many members feel ashamed and embarrassed to express how bad their symptoms really are…they don’t want to be a negative force.  I have found myself in this situation.  I know others who have felt the same.

We are here to support each other…to listen to the ugly.  To offer the encouragement and, of course, to point out the positive.  I have found that it is those who have healed to a good degree that are in a much better space to offer the kind of positivity and support so badly needed.  While in the ‘deep’ of this, it can be difficult…but, we always do the very best we can.  But, those in the ‘deep’ need to express their pain…especially if alone.  These expressions cannot be suppressed or frowned upon…they need to be met with understanding and compassion.  No judgement of sharing the dark side of this…and, moving through this, is that not where we reside most often?  It is for me.

@[or...]  All you have expressed is ‘normal’ and absolutely expected.  Not wanting to slow down our taper is natural.  When we feel we have to, it throws us into a place of frustration, anger and a feeling of ‘why can’t I follow this schedule?  What am I doing wrong?’  Then the ‘listen to your body’ advice comes to mind, and it is NOT easy advice.  Very wise, but not easy as it requires patience.  In a heightened state, the word patience feels like a nemesis.

Maybe what I’m saying here is IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.  It’s okay to not be able to keep our sh** together.  It’s okay to express the ugly.  It’s okay to FEEL the ugly.  It’s okay and ‘normal’ for trajectories to go out the window…it’s expected.  And, for members to know that it’s okay to post grief, despair and fear.  If it is not, then I’m not sure what this site is for quite honestly.

For those who are not tolerant of reading such posts, block if you need to.  Not all have experienced such horrors thank God.  Some who are can have a hard time reading others in such suffering.  I have been there many times.  But, it is my opinion that this site needs to hold space for this…it is a life-saver for many.

Warmly,

F

 

[[or...]]

What a good read, thank you @[Fa...]

[[Fa...]]

7 minutes ago, [[o...] said:

What a good read, thank you @[Fa...]

Your honesty was palpable, and I appreciate that so much, @[or...].  🫂

[[or...]]

What I did since this post of mine, was continue to hold, and things are much better.  I find the saying "there's only one way, and that's through it" true for me, just want to thank you again @[Fa...], oregonlady

[[or...]]

I had a busy morning but wanted to be sure you know how much I enjoyed reading your message @[Fa...] I think you really hit the nail on the head, and helped me to be more vigilant with folks that are suffering so badly, sometimes all they need is someone to listen, just like me, oregonlady