Really struggling guys

[[Hu...]]

Really struggling with anxiety at the moment. It's been a difficult few months, but that has been, as far as I can tell, specifically due to some health related stuff. I've always had health anxiety, and it's been particularly bad recently as I had an ongoing tooth problem. And a couple of other things I won't go into incase I freak anyone out.

 

I keep making mistakes with my medication. First I tried to add citalopram to my current 45 mg of Mirtazapine. At first it went well, the first week I only took 2.5 mg of it. After a week I upped that to 5mg, and a few days after that (4-5 I think) all hell broke loose and I was suddenly super anxious, and muscles twitching. Which is something that happened to me during benzo withdrawal, though now I think of it, I began citalopram a few days into WD back then so maybe it was the benzo WD that did it. I recall feeling better for a few days before getting plunged badly into awful awful anxiety and depression that stayed for over a month, with very few moments of feeling better. Anyway, that was Wednesday that this started again, two weeks ago. I felt awful. Went to my Mam and Step-Dad's house, where my Sister and Nephew were also staying (visiting from America). That first night I felt terrible, and I didn't sleep until 6 am or thereabouts. Woke up the next day anxious as hell. Went for a big walk, decided I'd stop taking the citalopram. So I did so. Started feeling better that evening, though not without a few small hiccups. But I watched some movies and mostly felt better.

The following day was mediocre overall, but much better generally. Then I went from strength to strength, until that Sunday. That evening I had a little anxious wobble, so I took a crumb of my SSRI. It seemed to go away and get better. Next day, great. Then throughout that week I would have these moments, usually lasting maybe 20-30 minutes or so, usually late afternoon, in which the anxiety would come over me again. And I'd take a crumb of my SSRI, less than 2.5 mg, maybe less than 1 mg, in fact I'd say probably so, and I'd feel better. Wondered whether it was real or just placebo. I thought, surely I won't have SSRI withdrawals from taking a maximum of 5mg for a week, and 2.5 the week before that? I came off them just fine earlier this year, after having been on them since July 2021.

Anyway, I had a much better week. I was happy to be alive, taking joy in small things, getting super interested in cinema and watching a load of new films. Had a beautiful time with my family, including a particularly lovely Saturday in the park with them. Then the following evening, I felt good too. My Sister left in the early hours of Sunday/Monday morning, and I think I accidentally took double my dose of Mirtazapine/Remeron. I felt a little weird that day, getting worse in the evening - which is weird, cause for the pat two weeks, and during all of my benzo withdrawal, evening was when I'd feel much, much better. 

Had a broken sleep with many dreams, which now I think of it could be proof that I did indeed take my mirtazapine twice, as I experienced that when I began taking mirtazapine for the first time. Though at no point in the past taking mirtazapine did it cause me anxiety. 

Anyway, today SUCKED. Badly. I went for a long walk into town, went way out of my way to a store that sells games and dvd's and bought a few movies second hand. Walked back, taking my time, trying to kill as much time as possible. Eventually got home, and had myself a bath.

The bath was wonderful, I lay in the bath and read for 2 hours! And I felt much better. Maybe there was some anxiety bubbling away underneath the surface, but I paid no attention to it and got engrossed in my book. Then I got out of the bath and the anxiety returned with a vengeance again. Really struggling and just want to cry.

I'm tired of the pain. Tired of the gnawing anxiety draining me of my life force, of my love of life, my will to live. Turning me into something I'm not. Making me wish for the end of every day.

I know it will pass. It always does. Always. I never thought it would during benzo WD, but somehow it did. Somehow I braved it. This isn't as bad as that, I can do it. I'm just really struggling guys. Could use some support.

[[je...]]

Gosh, I'm so sorry. I was trying to look at your benzo history because I can't remember everyone's, but there's nothing there. How long have you been benzo free?

I am glad you can see it will pass, but I know in the moment it's often difficult to look past the pain. I know we get sick of feeling sick all the time. Just remind yourself of the good time you had recently. Hold on to the moments where you truly lived. The good week you had will return and those times will become longer and longer. There were some really good moments where you just didn't pay attention to the anxiety and you got lost in your book. That is really a victory. You are truly learning some good coping mechanisms. 

I think you should be really proud of how you are managing to cope even though this is really tough.  

[[Hu...]]

Hey Jelly Baby. Do we have to redo the benzo history in our signatures due to the new site? Apologies. I've been benzo free for two years, and without any waves for over a year. 

Thank you, I've felt pretty defeated today, but it was great to lose myself in my book... and if this is as bad as it gets, at least I know that even at my worst I was able to lose myself in the book.

[[je...]]

@[Hu...] Yes, there's a new way of doing signatures. And you don't have to apologise. We're all feeling our way through the changes. 

It's great that you've had no waves for a year. That is very promising for your recovery. Are you tapering any other meds? Why are you adding Citalopram if you don't mind me asking?

[[ph...]]

Hey, just wanted to chime in here. I understand getting a huge uptick in anxiety from retrying an SSRI during recovery. I was on Prozac for about 9 months, got off of it and found myself in the benzo mess, tried Prozac again about a month ago (5 months off) because of BAD depression, and it was nothing but anxiety until I stopped (like the third day)

I do admire your strength. What I would GIVE to be able to walk to the shop and spend most of my day in public when I’m feeling my worst, especially when it can be confusing not knowing what may have “caused” things. I wish I could bring myself to take a hot bath and read for 2 whole hours!! That sounds lovely. As small as it may seem, it really shows your strength. My anxiety tends to leave me chained… I could learn a thing or two from you.

Your love of life will continue to stay with you. Anxiety is a sickness but it is not a constant. The passion you clearly possess will remain a constant. That’s something I was afraid of… losing myself. You’re still very here   No waves for a year is WONDERFUL!! I’m very willing to bet after this, you’ll be good for another long, long while. You’ve clearly done very substantial healing.

Please continue to hang in there. YOUVE MADE IT OUT OF THE WOODS!!!!! That’s so incredibly inspiring and what matters the most. You made it through THAT, you can make it through this. You already know that too! Keep living your life to the fullest, and continue to take care of yourself. It only gets better from here, truly. I really hope you’re doing well!

 

[[Hu...]]

Wow, what a beautiful response.

 

19 hours ago, [[j...] said:

@[Hu...] Yes, there's a new way of doing signatures. And you don't have to apologise. We're all feeling our way through the changes. 

It's great that you've had no waves for a year. That is very promising for your recovery. Are you tapering any other meds? Why are you adding Citalopram if you don't mind me asking?

No, not tapering anything else, been on 45mg mirtazapine for most of this year, adding the citalopram was intended to sand the rough edges off my anxiety, but it appears to have done quite the opposite! I am considering giving it a little time and then trying gabapentin or pregabalin. But gonna weigh up my options first. I just really want some of this excess anxiety to go away.

52 minutes ago, [[p...] said:

Hey, just wanted to chime in here. I understand getting a huge uptick in anxiety from retrying an SSRI during recovery. I was on Prozac for about 9 months, got off of it and found myself in the benzo mess, tried Prozac again about a month ago (5 months off) because of BAD depression, and it was nothing but anxiety until I stopped (like the third day)

I do admire your strength. What I would GIVE to be able to walk to the shop and spend most of my day in public when I’m feeling my worst, especially when it can be confusing not knowing what may have “caused” things. I wish I could bring myself to take a hot bath and read for 2 whole hours!! That sounds lovely. As small as it may seem, it really shows your strength. My anxiety tends to leave me chained… I could learn a thing or two from you.

Your love of life will continue to stay with you. Anxiety is a sickness but it is not a constant. The passion you clearly possess will remain a constant. That’s something I was afraid of… losing myself. You’re still very here   No waves for a year is WONDERFUL!! I’m very willing to bet after this, you’ll be good for another long, long while. You’ve clearly done very substantial healing.

Please continue to hang in there. YOUVE MADE IT OUT OF THE WOODS!!!!! That’s so incredibly inspiring and what matters the most. You made it through THAT, you can make it through this. You already know that too! Keep living your life to the fullest, and continue to take care of yourself. It only gets better from here, truly. I really hope you’re doing well!

 

Wow, thank you so much. It's weird how that works isn't it? In the past we have been able to take these things and plough on through, but this time it hits us like a tonne of bricks. Although, thinking back, this is my third time of Citalopram, and the first two times were very difficult too. When I first took it, I used valium to calm the side effects down in the first few weeks. The second time was in the midst of benzo WD, and now looking back I'm not sure what was the benzo WD and what was the citalopram startup side effects.

 

Feel free to message me phenibut. I'm so sorry to hear you struggle so much with your anxiety. And thank you for your positive affirmations. I will try to live them and remind myself of them, and to honour you effort by my own.

Yes, I'm certainly out of the woods with benzo withdrawal. Just have to deal with whatever this particular demon now facing me is.