Not sure I can do this

[[Br...]]

Hi everyone,

I am not doing well. Physically haven't had symptoms in weeks but my existential ocd and ocd in general has revved up more than it has in years, especially tonight and the last few weeks. I'm deeply struggling with derealization which is my least favorite part of being a human, I don't want to do it at all. I've dealt with this before but it's usually like one big attack and then I calm myself down and then I'm back to normal with some obsessions and compulsions as to why it happened. Now feels worse, like it's lingering and the more it lingers the worse it gets because the more I think it means something or I think it'll last forever and the more space it takes in my brain without me being able to distract or think of other things. Usually when I've had flair ups in my life in the past I've had the resilience that came with knowing I'd get better, that I'd work through it and there was hope on the other side. I also feel like I've given up on so much in life (I'm 27), like all my dreams because I'm not okay and they didn't seem realistic. I also found out I'm autistic last summer so I've been unmasking for the last however many months and it's made me regress so much, unable to do many of the things I was once able to do.  My inner critic says this is all unacceptable, I should be able to do everything I used to and that makes me spiral even more. I've never learned how to be compassionate to myself, I used to be better at least. I'm just so cynical and mean to myself. There are things that I think might help like meditation or yoga but I don't do them. Well I meditated the last two days but it just made me really sleepy but then my body just jerked me awake. Usually if I don't think about things (my triggers) then I have no issue, like just on Tuesday I did something that's usually at least somewhat triggering but I didn't think about it so it didn't bother me, maybe cuz I was consumed previously with other bigger triggers. But anyways, meditation seems to be the thing to create space between you and your thoughts which is what I need. To be less fused with them. Because I'm just believing anything I think. And I'm so freaking tired because alarm bells went off this morning, saying that I'm gonna have anxiety all day repeatedly and wouldn't stop so I just got up. Based on my tapering, it doesn't seem like this is benzo related since I updosed a few weeks ago because I was dealing with similar shit, now I can't updose because I'm at my current full dose. I can't imagine changing my dose again unless I'm okay for a few months. I guess I'm just venting, but hope, kind words, mental reframes are all welcome. 

Tapering off of .5mg klonopin after 3.5 years of use, using a water taper, taking approximately .0125 with a tablespoon out of 300 mL of water then 150 mL. Not the most accurate method, I know. 

3-18 .475
3-21 .45
3-27 .425
3-31 .4
4-5 .375
4-10 .35
4-13 .325
4-16 .3
4-22 .275
4-26 .25
4-30 .225
5-5 .2
5-9 .175
5-12 .15
5-15 .25 (accident, didn't mean to updose)
5-21 .125
5-24 .2
5-26 .15
5-28 .125
6-1 .1
6-7 .2 (all the symptoms hit me a few days after the june first, people here said it was a delayed reaction to how fast I had been going and then the accident and how I tried to remedy that accident, by going even faster. I updosed because my physical and mental symptoms were unbearable.)
7-8 .175 
7-26 .25 (could not handle anxiety)

[[Th...]]

I did not taper, so I have zero experience with a taper.  I did a CT, which is not recommended.  However, I've been on this site a long time and know when others have made cuts that put them in a bad place, they held or even updosed just as you did.  Unfortunately symptoms are inevitable and are almost impossible to avoid no matter how slow of a taper you do?  I had all of the symptoms you are describing that you are having.  They all faded and ended given enough time.  It's also a WD symptom to be very negative, cynical and unkind to yourself.  You think and believe the worst.  I falsely believed I would never heal and would be stuck with symptoms for life.  Try to get through each minute, hour and day.  Time always passes no matter what, so eventually your WD will end.  However, symptoms will most likely get worse, after you are completely off, before they get better?  Good luck.

[[Br...]]

I appreciate your response but I'm not sure I could taper any further down, at least not for a while. I need to develop a lot of skills before I can do that because I don't have the resilience for this. And at this point I'm pretty much blaming it on my own mental health, not so much the benzos, not sure if that's accurate or not but ig I'll never know. 

[[be...]]

Hi @[Br...] it is OK to feel like you do not want to finish your tapering, but you wrote something that happens to so many here at BB, this is your quote "I'm just believing anything I think". So I say to you, rein in those thoughts, and try to busy yourself with things that will take your mind off of messages that the benzo loves to send to all of us. You must remember you are not your thoughts, you have been through a lot and you are learning what you can and not do to get through. Just try not to worry, things will happen as they should when it is time. Stay Strong. Leaving you a link to Benzo Lies. It will help you to while away some time and help you to understand what you are feeling is pretty much par for the course.

💖Peace and Healing.