Partially healed, Mental Struggles

[[be...]]

It seems like my brain is in a shell and is protecting itself from external stimuli. My physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, vertigo, akathisia, tremors have all gone away. What remains is a strange form of anhedonia that isn’t pure depression but some type of defense mechanism by my brain that is numbing my experiences. When you don’t feel pleasure or rewards from doing tasks it becomes difficult to live a full life. My current symptoms are:

 

• Wake up not feeling rested or refreshed.
  
• Do not feel tired at night or drowsy.
  
• Complicated tasks feel especially cumbersome
  
• Have trouble recalling names or facts from memory
  
• Feel indifferent towards other people
  
• Do not feel endorphins or adrenaline while at gym or doing exercise
  
• Do not feel pleasure from orgasm
  
• Very limited drive and motivation towards anything
  
• No feelings of anger or enthusiasm; all emotions are absent
  
• I can taste food, but it’s not as enjoyable as it used to be
  

 

I'm 8 months off, but was using some very heavy duty Research Chemical benzo's for 5 years. The progress has been in the cessation of physical symptoms so there has been healing. Can anyone relate to my symptoms of emotional blunting and inability to feel things? Much appreciated.

 

Quick addition; I am able to consume caffeine in high doses, but I don't feel it's effects.

 

 

[[St...]]

You have been able to describe what I am experiencing.  I haven't been able to articulate it as you have.  I have called it "depression".  It also feels like grief over what life used to be and almost a grief in advance of whatever is in the future.  The lack of reward is something that has really surprised me.  Things seem dull.  I'm also drinking an extreme amount of coffee, which is new for me. I feel like I am just doing time. 

 

I am also not finished tapering.  The last few cuts I seem to feel better (and almost can see happiness?) until day 4 or so, then back to this dull feeling.

 

Thank you for posting this. 

[[dj...]]

Yes, I very much relate.  I think anhedonia is the best term for this.  Or perhaps some sort of dysphoria.  A doctor would try to tell you that you’re depressed but this is from benzos.  Truly depressed people don’t go the gym and seek out things that give them pleasure.  Of course in this day and age it takes very little for a doctor to tell you that you’re depressed. 

 

Due to benzo damage, our emotions shut down to protect us from the surge in fear/anxiety.  The body doesn’t want to remember the “trauma” so to speak so it turns off emotions.  And yeah it sucks that it takes our feel good feelings away as well.

[[be...]]

Anyone with a rough time table of recovery regarding the anhedonia and lack of emotions.