Like a Rolling Stone 5 Yrs (Long Success Story)

[[Po...]]

It's been 5 years since I cold turkey'd Valium. I honestly can't believe how much time has passed. I will try my best to be as detailed as possible, as I know for me and many others, reading success stories was our only lifeline.

 

My story begins Fall of 2015. I was watching a TV show with a girl I was dating at the time. My heart started skipping and it was alarming to me as I had never experienced this before. I quickly got up, went out to the kitchen and drank a glass of water to try and calm myself down. I was then struck by a massive panic attack and thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I woke my mother up and told her what was going on and she explained that it was only heart palpitations and that I was having an anxiety attack. A week later I saw my Dr and told him about my situation. I was prescribed Xanax and later was prescribed Valium.

 

For the first year, things were great. It was like a merical drug! I had always had mild anxiety, even before the heart palpitations, and taking these new pills washed it all away. My relationship was going great. My girlfriend and I moved out of my parents house. I had an amazing job teaching music and I was happy. Not before to long I started to abuse the drugs. I would take them recreationally. I would use them as a hangover cure and I would even take them while I drank occasionally. My tolerance grew quickly and I would need to take more and more to get the same calming effects. I had no idea just how badly these pills were.

 

My anxiety started creeping back up and it was getting worse than ever. In my mind, I thought my natural baseline anxiety was just getting worse as I was aging and I needed to keep taking more benzos to counter act it. I started getting muscle spasms and stomach issue. If I ran out of my prescription early (which happened often) I would be in rough shape. For whatever reason, at the time, I never made the connection that the benzos were the culprit. My daily life started to be effected by it. I'm a musician and never had stage fright before in my life. I began having panic attacks while performing. The pills eventually stopped working entirely and I became an alcoholic. The relationship I was in came to an end and I wound up moving back in with my parents. That same month, the private school I had taught at sadly closed their doors and I lost my teaching job.

 

My brother came to me and told me how he did some research on the symptoms I was complaining about and how he found that benzos seemed to be the cause of my issue. I then did my own research and realized I was unknowingly putting myself through interdose withdrawal. That night, right then and there I decided I was done.

Shortly after, June 20th, 2018 I cold turkey'd benzos.

 

The Day I CT'd, I had a private party gig 3 hours away and I vividly remember that day being one of the worst experiences of my life. I was still drinking at that time and no amount of alcohol could help me through. I remember getting dropped off after the gig and nearly kissing the ground because I was so relieved I survived playing music in front of hundreds of people without having an absolute melt down.

 

When I researched benzo withdrawal, I was under the impression I would need to tough it out for about a week... maybe a month at the longest. I had NO IDEA the sheer HELL I was in for. I will try and list all the symptoms I had, but I honestly can't remember all of them. There's was just so many.

 

1. Insomnia

2. Tinnitus

3. Muscle Spasms

4. Dr / Dp

5. Paranoia

6. Depression

7. Panic attack

8. Agoraphobia

9. Amaxophobia

10. Hypochondria

11. Severe Balance Problems

12. Vertigo

13. Gastro Issues

14. Floaters in my Vision

15. Restless Leg Syndrome

16. Pounding / Racing Heart

17. Sensory Issues (especially light sensitivity)

18. Burning Nerev Pain

19. Feeling of bugs crawling on me

20. Extreme anger

21. *Hypoglycemia* (I didn't actually have it, but I needed to eat every 3 hours or I'd feel really strange)

22. Heat intolerance

23. Nausea

24. Body jerks

25. Full body shakes

26. Benzo belly (bloating)

27. Auditory Hallucinations

28. Extreme Nightmares

29. Head pressure

30. Extreme Fatigue

31. Chest Pain

32. Trails in my vision

33. Constipation / bloating

 

I know I'm missing a bunch, but again it's hard to recall all the symptoms.

 

I continued to drink alcohol for the first two month of withdrawal. I didn't know about kindling and how dangerous it was. Thankfully, I found benzobuddies. It was such an incredible resource and frankly, it saved my life. I really didn't know if I was losing my mind or if I had destroyed my body / brain. Being able to read everyone's story and see that I wasn't alone... it was such an amazing gift. I then realized drinking was a big no-no, and I gave it up immediately.

 

Three months into Withdrawal and I hadn't made any progress. I still had a handful of gigs I had to power through and it was miserable. Once those ended, it was bitter sweet. I no longer had a source of income, but I was relieved I could now just try and ride out the worst of my withdrawal without the pressures of responsibility. I am beyond fortunate that my parents were so understanding. In fact, my disabled father came off benzos around the same time (along with opioids, but thats a whole other story lol) So, he knew first hand what I was going through.

 

February of 2019 We had a nasty snow storm. I woke up to trees coming down left and right. My car, along with my parent's car both crushed. None of us had good car insurance, so we were screwed. It truly felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was still very much in acute withdrawal and now I had nothing. No job, no car, I was 30 living back at my parents house and the future looked very dark.

 

I started getting into the Windows and Waves phase after about 25 months. The windows were very short lived, but they were much been when they came. I mentioned earlier that my father had come off benzos and opioids.. He was not the easiest person to tolerate. My poor mother is a warrior for putting up with it all. I stayed pretty secluded, but my father got real nasty. I mention this because it caused so much stress and may have prolonged my healing process.

 

The rest of year was still very difficult, but I was starting to push myself a little bit. I would go out to shows, if only for a half hour, or go visit friends in small doses. It was difficult at first, but it got a little easier the more I pushed myself outside my comfort zone. Things were getting a little better. I even booked a few music gigs (It was too soon, but I was proud of myself for pushing through). I didn't go out often, but it was progress. Then.... Covid hit.

 

We all know what happens next. Lockdown, isolation, wide spread panic... as if all us BB's weren't suffering enough, now this?? It felt like any progress I had made was out the door. I fell right back into a massive wave, total set back.

 

The Turning Point

 

My window eventually started to get a little longer and my waves got a little shorter. This pattern continued on. I would turn some good corners and once covid cleared up, I was back to pushing myself to get out more. Again, it was not easy. I would sometimes force myself to go out, contemplate in the parking lot whether or not I should just leave. I started to realize that for the first half hour of being in a social situation, I would have anxiety, but if I just held out for a little while longer, I would acclimate and be okay and I would actually have a decent time. I always felt so empowered by this when I was heading home for the night. That feeling alone was so rewarding and made me feel like I was making progress.

 

Now I was 3 years out and doing okay. My windows were longer than my waves. I started going out to a local open mic night each week. It was a place for me to ease back into playing music and be around people I felt comfortable with.

 

October 2021, I met a girl at the open mic. Little did I know, this beautiful soul would be my light at the end of the tunnel. I was very honest with her about my situation and she took me as I was. After about 4 or 5  months of casually dating, we made it official. I was introverted when we first met and she was very extroverted but we found a good balance and she gently pushed me out of my comfort zone.

 

March of this year, I turned the biggest corner yet! My GF and I took a trip to Portsmouth, NH and we had a blast. I had a little anxiety driving there, but it was short lived. It was an amazing day.

 

Where am I at today?

 

I have a full schedule of music gigs.( no more stage fright) I no longer fear traveling. I go to family party's and hang out with my friends as often as I can. I make plans and I genuinely look forward to them! (I used to regret making plans and panic when It was time to follow through) I wake up happy. I am so appreciative of everything around me. Most of my symptoms are gone now. I'll leave a list of what I have lingering.

 

1. Tinnitus (Very mild, I hardly notice now)

2. Stomach problems (Diet has helped tremendously)

3. Occasional Muscle Spasms (very mild)

4. Anxiety (I've learned to cope with it. It's much better now)

5. Depression (still pops up here and there. Nowhere near as bad and it's less frequent)

 

 

It's all very manageable.

 

 

Some closing words.

If you're struggling, please know that it gets better. The progress is so damn slow that it is sometimes hard to see how far you've come. IT WILL GET BETTER. Even just last year I thought I had permanent brain damage and then all of the sudden, I rapidly started to get better. I just passed my 5 year mark and within the past 6 months my life drastically improved. It's so strange how benzo withdrawal works. Some people get well quick and other need more time to heal. Just know, it will happen for you. Your time will come.

 

I don't sign into benzobuddies all that often anymore, but for this week I will be keeping an eye on my messages to answer any questions anyone may have. I'm happy to talk and try an offer some words of encouragement / positively in any way I can.

 

 

Much Love ❤️

-PVibes

 

Ps, my time-line might be slightly off. Please forgive me, I tried my best to be as accurate as possible. It's been a long journey and it was difficult re-tracing all my steps.

 

[[He...]]

P Vibes!

 

This is such a great message and I really appreciate all the detail.  You have really laid out what you went through and how the goodness slowly but finally came your way. It does give hope and I really am grateful to you for taking the time to share your story. I'm at 25 months today and starting that window/ wave type pattern (unfortunately wave today).  Hearing from you and others that this is normal and just needs to be ridden out keeps me going! I'm happy for you and congratulate you enduring the low and rocky process of healing.  I believe in the healing and your report just reinforces it. I love that you are a musician too!  Take good care of yourself and enjoy the life you have built for yourself!

 

Helen

[[Sc...]]

Your lingering symptoms of anxiety depression could be pre existing?

Did u face severe emotional blunting?

[[Po...]]

Helen, thank you for the kind words!! Hang in there. The waves will eventually get shorter and the windows will get longer!

[[Po...]]

Scared Cat, I definitely had anxiety before the benzos and I knew it would be a life long journey. I've learned some great coping skills and it's gotten so much better. Entirely manageable now.

 

I've never experienced depression before the benzos and it is starting to drastically fade away with time. I might have a morning where I'll wake up and be in a funk, but as soon as I get moving, I'll start to feel better.

[[ty...]]

Can you tell me about your tinnitus? Mine is constant, whereas my other symptoms come and go…..it feels more permanent cause there is no break. Also, it hasn’t gotten better. It’s actually gotten worse at 14 months off……the intensity varies but it’s always there and bothersome. Did yours get better gradually? Was it both ears? Thanks for your story, very inspirational…..congrats on getting through this!

[[Po...]]

Scares Cat, also... I did face emotional blunting. In fact, I remember when my emotions started coming back, I was listening to music in the car and I started crying because the music moved me in a way I hadn't experienced since before the benzos. I was flooded with emotion. To this day, I'll tear up because I can enjoy the little things again.

[[Po...]]

Tyson 9

 

The tinnitus was brutal for a few years. The frequency would clash the "ss" people make when they speak and it would make it difficult for me to talk to people (if that makes any sense)

 

At night, I would put headphones on and listen to rain sounds. That would cancel out the tinnitus so I could sleep.

 

Now, it is definitely still there and I have days where it'll be annoying, but I can say with all honesty, I'll go weeks without even thinking about it. It's calmed down dramatically.

 

Idk if it'll ever go away, but it's manageable and I'm fine with it.

[[Sc...]]

Please tell about these 2 things:

Insomnia- How was it and when it got better

Emotional numbness- How long it took you to feel emotions

[[Po...]]

Scared Cat,

 

The insomnia came and went. When I was in acute (first 6-8 month) I could only sleep about 2-3 hours a night. It wasn't restful sleep either. I had nightmares so bad that it would make me not even want to sleep. I also remember having this auditory hallucination of a big bang sound that would happen right at I was drifting into sleep and that would spring me awake. I also woke up to any little sound because I was so hyper aware of everything. When I got into my window and Waves phase, I would get decent sleep, and then I would be back to no sleep. By year 2 I was sleeping pretty good. Here and there I would have a random night where I couldn't sleep, but over time it got better and better.

 

The emotional blunting lasted quite a while. I think it was around the 2.5 year mark when I found myself enjoying my hobbies again and enjoying listening to music. I will say, there were little moments even at my worst where my emotions would come to life, but it was short lived. That was during good windows I had.

 

I also want to point out that I am one of the server cases. I cold turkey'd and I kindled big time with alcohol. My timeline isn't typical to most people I've seen on this form. You may find things ease up quicker. If they don't, just know it will get better. Some take longer than others.

[[he...]]

Yay for getting your life back!

 

You placed insomnia on the top of your list. How bad was it and how did it resolve?

[[Po...]]

Thank you Heyilona!

 

The list was in no particular order. I just listed the symptoms that came to mind first.

 

The insomnia was pretty bad while I was in acute withdrawal. After about 6-8 months, I started to regain my sleep. It was a gradual process, but once I was into year 2, I was sleeping pretty good.

[[Hu...]]

Great to hear man. Hit me up with any of your music if you want.

 

Have you had to take antibiotics or steroids at any point for any illnesses?

[[Sc...]]

You didn't list emotional blunting as a symptom, that means u had it very mildly?

[[Po...]]

Hurricane,

 

I didn't take any antibiotics or steroids. I avoided that stuff after seeing others who reported they had issues while taking it.

 

Best of luck on your journey!

[[Po...]]

Scared Cat

 

There's a handful of symptoms I missed. There were just so many. Now, I honestly can't even remember how some of them even felt. It's only if an old symptom briefly pops back up that I am reminded. Eventually, it all washes away. It's wild because sometimes I look back on my old notes and think... did I really go through all that?

 

It all slowly fades away with time. I think that's the reason why some people don't write their success story. They just kinda forget about all the suffering and move on. You will too 😊

[[Pi...]]

Congrats!! Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of that, especially the 'for whatever reason not realizing it was the benzos' part. It's so obvious looking back that it was the benzos but at the time I would have sworn that they were the only thing that helped me and that I needed them. Just shows what they do to our thinking processes.

 

It's always great to hear protracted stories for those of us who are taking a bit longer to heal. (I'm at 4 years +). Like you, I seem to be better off when I force my butt out of the house from time to time. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

 

Cheers,

Pickl

[[wi...]]

On 01/07/2023 at 13:05, [[P...] said:

It's been 5 years since I cold turkey'd Valium. I honestly can't believe how much time has passed. I will try my best to be as detailed as possible, as I know for me and many others, reading success stories was our only lifeline.

My story begins Fall of 2015. I was watching a TV show with a girl I was dating at the time. My heart started skipping and it was alarming to me as I had never experienced this before. I quickly got up, went out to the kitchen and drank a glass of water to try and calm myself down. I was then struck by a massive panic attack and thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I woke my mother up and told her what was going on and she explained that it was only heart palpitations and that I was having an anxiety attack. A week later I saw my Dr and told him about my situation. I was prescribed Xanax and later was prescribed Valium.

For the first year, things were great. It was like a merical drug! I had always had mild anxiety, even before the heart palpitations, and taking these new pills washed it all away. My relationship was going great. My girlfriend and I moved out of my parents house. I had an amazing job teaching music and I was happy. Not before to long I started to abuse the drugs. I would take them recreationally. I would use them as a hangover cure and I would even take them while I drank occasionally. My tolerance grew quickly and I would need to take more and more to get the same calming effects. I had no idea just how badly these pills were.

My anxiety started creeping back up and it was getting worse than ever. In my mind, I thought my natural baseline anxiety was just getting worse as I was aging and I needed to keep taking more benzos to counter act it. I started getting muscle spasms and stomach issue. If I ran out of my prescription early (which happened often) I would be in rough shape. For whatever reason, at the time, I never made the connection that the benzos were the culprit. My daily life started to be effected by it. I'm a musician and never had stage fright before in my life. I began having panic attacks while performing. The pills eventually stopped working entirely and I became an alcoholic. The relationship I was in came to an end and I wound up moving back in with my parents. That same month, the private school I had taught at sadly closed their doors and I lost my teaching job.

My brother came to me and told me how he did some research on the symptoms I was complaining about and how he found that benzos seemed to be the cause of my issue. I then did my own research and realized I was unknowingly putting myself through interdose withdrawal. That night, right then and there I decided I was done.

Shortly after, June 20th, 2018 I cold turkey'd benzos.

The Day I CT'd, I had a private party gig 3 hours away and I vividly remember that day being one of the worst experiences of my life. I was still drinking at that time and no amount of alcohol could help me through. I remember getting dropped off after the gig and nearly kissing the ground because I was so relieved I survived playing music in front of hundreds of people without having an absolute melt down.

When I researched benzo withdrawal, I was under the impression I would need to tough it out for about a week... maybe a month at the longest. I had NO IDEA the sheer HELL I was in for. I will try and list all the symptoms I had, but I honestly can't remember all of them. There's was just so many.

1. Insomnia

2. Tinnitus

3. Muscle Spasms

4. Dr / Dp

5. Paranoia

6. Depression

7. Panic attack

8. Agoraphobia

9. Amaxophobia

10. Hypochondria

11. Severe Balance Problems

12. Vertigo

13. Gastro Issues

14. Floaters in my Vision

15. Restless Leg Syndrome

16. Pounding / Racing Heart

17. Sensory Issues (especially light sensitivity)

18. Burning Nerev Pain

19. Feeling of bugs crawling on me

20. Extreme anger

21. *Hypoglycemia* (I didn't actually have it, but I needed to eat every 3 hours or I'd feel really strange)

22. Heat intolerance

23. Nausea

24. Body jerks

25. Full body shakes

26. Benzo belly (bloating)

27. Auditory Hallucinations

28. Extreme Nightmares

29. Head pressure

30. Extreme Fatigue

31. Chest Pain

32. Trails in my vision

33. Constipation / bloating

I know I'm missing a bunch, but again it's hard to recall all the symptoms.

I continued to drink alcohol for the first two month of withdrawal. I didn't know about kindling and how dangerous it was. Thankfully, I found benzobuddies. It was such an incredible resource and frankly, it saved my life. I really didn't know if I was losing my mind or if I had destroyed my body / brain. Being able to read everyone's story and see that I wasn't alone... it was such an amazing gift. I then realized drinking was a big no-no, and I gave it up immediately.

Three months into Withdrawal and I hadn't made any progress. I still had a handful of gigs I had to power through and it was miserable. Once those ended, it was bitter sweet. I no longer had a source of income, but I was relieved I could now just try and ride out the worst of my withdrawal without the pressures of responsibility. I am beyond fortunate that my parents were so understanding. In fact, my disabled father came off benzos around the same time (along with opioids, but thats a whole other story lol) So, he knew first hand what I was going through.

February of 2019 We had a nasty snow storm. I woke up to trees coming down left and right. My car, along with my parent's car both crushed. None of us had good car insurance, so we were screwed. It truly felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was still very much in acute withdrawal and now I had nothing. No job, no car, I was 30 living back at my parents house and the future looked very dark.

I started getting into the Windows and Waves phase after about 25 months. The windows were very short lived, but they were much been when they came. I mentioned earlier that my father had come off benzos and opioids.. He was not the easiest person to tolerate. My poor mother is a warrior for putting up with it all. I stayed pretty secluded, but my father got real nasty. I mention this because it caused so much stress and may have prolonged my healing process.

The rest of year was still very difficult, but I was starting to push myself a little bit. I would go out to shows, if only for a half hour, or go visit friends in small doses. It was difficult at first, but it got a little easier the more I pushed myself outside my comfort zone. Things were getting a little better. I even booked a few music gigs (It was too soon, but I was proud of myself for pushing through). I didn't go out often, but it was progress. Then.... Covid hit.

We all know what happens next. Lockdown, isolation, wide spread panic... as if all us BB's weren't suffering enough, now this?? It felt like any progress I had made was out the door. I fell right back into a massive wave, total set back.

The Turning Point

My window eventually started to get a little longer and my waves got a little shorter. This pattern continued on. I would turn some good corners and once covid cleared up, I was back to pushing myself to get out more. Again, it was not easy. I would sometimes force myself to go out, contemplate in the parking lot whether or not I should just leave. I started to realize that for the first half hour of being in a social situation, I would have anxiety, but if I just held out for a little while longer, I would acclimate and be okay and I would actually have a decent time. I always felt so empowered by this when I was heading home for the night. That feeling alone was so rewarding and made me feel like I was making progress.

Now I was 3 years out and doing okay. My windows were longer than my waves. I started going out to a local open mic night each week. It was a place for me to ease back into playing music and be around people I felt comfortable with.

October 2021, I met a girl at the open mic. Little did I know, this beautiful soul would be my light at the end of the tunnel. I was very honest with her about my situation and she took me as I was. After about 4 or 5  months of casually dating, we made it official. I was introverted when we first met and she was very extroverted but we found a good balance and she gently pushed me out of my comfort zone.

March of this year, I turned the biggest corner yet! My GF and I took a trip to Portsmouth, NH and we had a blast. I had a little anxiety driving there, but it was short lived. It was an amazing day.

Where am I at today?

I have a full schedule of music gigs.( no more stage fright) I no longer fear traveling. I go to family party's and hang out with my friends as often as I can. I make plans and I genuinely look forward to them! (I used to regret making plans and panic when It was time to follow through) I wake up happy. I am so appreciative of everything around me. Most of my symptoms are gone now. I'll leave a list of what I have lingering.

1. Tinnitus (Very mild, I hardly notice now)

2. Stomach problems (Diet has helped tremendously)

3. Occasional Muscle Spasms (very mild)

4. Anxiety (I've learned to cope with it. It's much better now)

5. Depression (still pops up here and there. Nowhere near as bad and it's less frequent)

It's all very manageable.

Some closing words.

If you're struggling, please know that it gets better. The progress is so damn slow that it is sometimes hard to see how far you've come. IT WILL GET BETTER. Even just last year I thought I had permanent brain damage and then all of the sudden, I rapidly started to get better. I just passed my 5 year mark and within the past 6 months my life drastically improved. It's so strange how benzo withdrawal works. Some people get well quick and other need more time to heal. Just know, it will happen for you. Your time will come.

I don't sign into benzobuddies all that often anymore, but for this week I will be keeping an eye on my messages to answer any questions anyone may have. I'm happy to talk and try an offer some words of encouragement / positively in any way I can.

Much Love ❤️

-PVibes

Ps, my time-line might be slightly off. Please forgive me, I tried my best to be as accurate as possible. It's been a long journey and it was difficult re-tracing all my steps.

Thank you so much for coming back and inspiring us with your success story. 5 years is a very long time. I’m approaching 6 years mark and your story encourages me to keep going. Much love.

[[Lo...]]

 

The truth I congratulate you for having overcome this hell of withdrawal to benzos.

 

I would like to know how long your paranoia lasted. I took Clonazepam for 3 and a half years, now I have 14 months to stop taking Clonazepam after a cold turkey, my worst symptom is paranoia, I think that everyone is looking at me 24/7 at all times and places, even in my own house with The same thing happens to my family, I can't do anything without thinking that someone is watching me, many paranoid thoughts, this makes me isolate myself in my house and go out very little, I feel like a schizophrenic, I hope you can answer me, thank you.

 

 

[[...]]

On 01/07/2023 at 05:05, [[P...] said:

It's been 5 years since I cold turkey'd Valium. I honestly can't believe how much time has passed. I will try my best to be as detailed as possible, as I know for me and many others, reading success stories was our only lifeline.

My story begins Fall of 2015. I was watching a TV show with a girl I was dating at the time. My heart started skipping and it was alarming to me as I had never experienced this before. I quickly got up, went out to the kitchen and drank a glass of water to try and calm myself down. I was then struck by a massive panic attack and thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I woke my mother up and told her what was going on and she explained that it was only heart palpitations and that I was having an anxiety attack. A week later I saw my Dr and told him about my situation. I was prescribed Xanax and later was prescribed Valium.

For the first year, things were great. It was like a merical drug! I had always had mild anxiety, even before the heart palpitations, and taking these new pills washed it all away. My relationship was going great. My girlfriend and I moved out of my parents house. I had an amazing job teaching music and I was happy. Not before to long I started to abuse the drugs. I would take them recreationally. I would use them as a hangover cure and I would even take them while I drank occasionally. My tolerance grew quickly and I would need to take more and more to get the same calming effects. I had no idea just how badly these pills were.

My anxiety started creeping back up and it was getting worse than ever. In my mind, I thought my natural baseline anxiety was just getting worse as I was aging and I needed to keep taking more benzos to counter act it. I started getting muscle spasms and stomach issue. If I ran out of my prescription early (which happened often) I would be in rough shape. For whatever reason, at the time, I never made the connection that the benzos were the culprit. My daily life started to be effected by it. I'm a musician and never had stage fright before in my life. I began having panic attacks while performing. The pills eventually stopped working entirely and I became an alcoholic. The relationship I was in came to an end and I wound up moving back in with my parents. That same month, the private school I had taught at sadly closed their doors and I lost my teaching job.

My brother came to me and told me how he did some research on the symptoms I was complaining about and how he found that benzos seemed to be the cause of my issue. I then did my own research and realized I was unknowingly putting myself through interdose withdrawal. That night, right then and there I decided I was done.

Shortly after, June 20th, 2018 I cold turkey'd benzos.

The Day I CT'd, I had a private party gig 3 hours away and I vividly remember that day being one of the worst experiences of my life. I was still drinking at that time and no amount of alcohol could help me through. I remember getting dropped off after the gig and nearly kissing the ground because I was so relieved I survived playing music in front of hundreds of people without having an absolute melt down.

When I researched benzo withdrawal, I was under the impression I would need to tough it out for about a week... maybe a month at the longest. I had NO IDEA the sheer HELL I was in for. I will try and list all the symptoms I had, but I honestly can't remember all of them. There's was just so many.

1. Insomnia

2. Tinnitus

3. Muscle Spasms

4. Dr / Dp

5. Paranoia

6. Depression

7. Panic attack

8. Agoraphobia

9. Amaxophobia

10. Hypochondria

11. Severe Balance Problems

12. Vertigo

13. Gastro Issues

14. Floaters in my Vision

15. Restless Leg Syndrome

16. Pounding / Racing Heart

17. Sensory Issues (especially light sensitivity)

18. Burning Nerev Pain

19. Feeling of bugs crawling on me

20. Extreme anger

21. *Hypoglycemia* (I didn't actually have it, but I needed to eat every 3 hours or I'd feel really strange)

22. Heat intolerance

23. Nausea

24. Body jerks

25. Full body shakes

26. Benzo belly (bloating)

27. Auditory Hallucinations

28. Extreme Nightmares

29. Head pressure

30. Extreme Fatigue

31. Chest Pain

32. Trails in my vision

33. Constipation / bloating

I know I'm missing a bunch, but again it's hard to recall all the symptoms.

I continued to drink alcohol for the first two month of withdrawal. I didn't know about kindling and how dangerous it was. Thankfully, I found benzobuddies. It was such an incredible resource and frankly, it saved my life. I really didn't know if I was losing my mind or if I had destroyed my body / brain. Being able to read everyone's story and see that I wasn't alone... it was such an amazing gift. I then realized drinking was a big no-no, and I gave it up immediately.

Three months into Withdrawal and I hadn't made any progress. I still had a handful of gigs I had to power through and it was miserable. Once those ended, it was bitter sweet. I no longer had a source of income, but I was relieved I could now just try and ride out the worst of my withdrawal without the pressures of responsibility. I am beyond fortunate that my parents were so understanding. In fact, my disabled father came off benzos around the same time (along with opioids, but thats a whole other story lol) So, he knew first hand what I was going through.

February of 2019 We had a nasty snow storm. I woke up to trees coming down left and right. My car, along with my parent's car both crushed. None of us had good car insurance, so we were screwed. It truly felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was still very much in acute withdrawal and now I had nothing. No job, no car, I was 30 living back at my parents house and the future looked very dark.

I started getting into the Windows and Waves phase after about 25 months. The windows were very short lived, but they were much been when they came. I mentioned earlier that my father had come off benzos and opioids.. He was not the easiest person to tolerate. My poor mother is a warrior for putting up with it all. I stayed pretty secluded, but my father got real nasty. I mention this because it caused so much stress and may have prolonged my healing process.

The rest of year was still very difficult, but I was starting to push myself a little bit. I would go out to shows, if only for a half hour, or go visit friends in small doses. It was difficult at first, but it got a little easier the more I pushed myself outside my comfort zone. Things were getting a little better. I even booked a few music gigs (It was too soon, but I was proud of myself for pushing through). I didn't go out often, but it was progress. Then.... Covid hit.

We all know what happens next. Lockdown, isolation, wide spread panic... as if all us BB's weren't suffering enough, now this?? It felt like any progress I had made was out the door. I fell right back into a massive wave, total set back.

The Turning Point

My window eventually started to get a little longer and my waves got a little shorter. This pattern continued on. I would turn some good corners and once covid cleared up, I was back to pushing myself to get out more. Again, it was not easy. I would sometimes force myself to go out, contemplate in the parking lot whether or not I should just leave. I started to realize that for the first half hour of being in a social situation, I would have anxiety, but if I just held out for a little while longer, I would acclimate and be okay and I would actually have a decent time. I always felt so empowered by this when I was heading home for the night. That feeling alone was so rewarding and made me feel like I was making progress.

Now I was 3 years out and doing okay. My windows were longer than my waves. I started going out to a local open mic night each week. It was a place for me to ease back into playing music and be around people I felt comfortable with.

October 2021, I met a girl at the open mic. Little did I know, this beautiful soul would be my light at the end of the tunnel. I was very honest with her about my situation and she took me as I was. After about 4 or 5  months of casually dating, we made it official. I was introverted when we first met and she was very extroverted but we found a good balance and she gently pushed me out of my comfort zone.

March of this year, I turned the biggest corner yet! My GF and I took a trip to Portsmouth, NH and we had a blast. I had a little anxiety driving there, but it was short lived. It was an amazing day.

Where am I at today?

I have a full schedule of music gigs.( no more stage fright) I no longer fear traveling. I go to family party's and hang out with my friends as often as I can. I make plans and I genuinely look forward to them! (I used to regret making plans and panic when It was time to follow through) I wake up happy. I am so appreciative of everything around me. Most of my symptoms are gone now. I'll leave a list of what I have lingering.

1. Tinnitus (Very mild, I hardly notice now)

2. Stomach problems (Diet has helped tremendously)

3. Occasional Muscle Spasms (very mild)

4. Anxiety (I've learned to cope with it. It's much better now)

5. Depression (still pops up here and there. Nowhere near as bad and it's less frequent)

It's all very manageable.

Some closing words.

If you're struggling, please know that it gets better. The progress is so damn slow that it is sometimes hard to see how far you've come. IT WILL GET BETTER. Even just last year I thought I had permanent brain damage and then all of the sudden, I rapidly started to get better. I just passed my 5 year mark and within the past 6 months my life drastically improved. It's so strange how benzo withdrawal works. Some people get well quick and other need more time to heal. Just know, it will happen for you. Your time will come.

I don't sign into benzobuddies all that often anymore, but for this week I will be keeping an eye on my messages to answer any questions anyone may have. I'm happy to talk and try an offer some words of encouragement / positively in any way I can.

Much Love ❤️

-PVibes

Ps, my time-line might be slightly off. Please forgive me, I tried my best to be as accurate as possible. It's been a long journey and it was difficult re-tracing all my steps.

I have been reading your success story. How was you at 31 mo ths .I'm getting worse.  X