Kindling vs one time use

[[jo...]]

I've used Ativan 4 different times over the past 6 years.  It seems to me that each consecutive time I came off I had a worse time.  I didn't realize what was happening until this go around when I started my research.  I'm 4 months off from my last use and I have never been so disabled.  I have been in my room for 4 months and have pushed everyone away. 

 

What has been your experience with kindling?  Are there one time users (no matter the duration) that came off ok?  Are there multiple time users (kindled) that have recovered? If so how many times did you kindle?

 

I thought that because I used it for relatively short duration each time I would be better off, but it seems that I am in the same shape as people who have used it for years.  I was also very conservative with my dose, never using more than half the 1.5mg daily prescription and mostly using only a third. 

 

The worst part about this experience is just not knowing what to expect.  I've exhausted every avenue of research.  I can suffer with the best of them as long as I can see the finish line.  I want to be optimistic but on days like today it is difficult.  I'm sleeping about 4 hours, 5 hours if very lucky. 

 

Today I have a pressure headache, burning feet, fatigue, agoraphobia.  No tinnitus (I have not had to endure that except very briefly), and no akathisia except for a couple hours over the past 4 months.  The worst part is the realization that my anxiety and reasons for taking ativan all stemmed from that first time 6 years ago.  I think that changed me a bit, but at the time I just thought it was my stressful lifestyle and old depression coming back to town.

 

I'm stubbornly lying here refusing to engage and watching my life pass me by.  I'm not looking to be a downer.  I know it will improve soon.  I just want some dialogue based in fact.  I prefer uncomfortable truths over platitudes.  But I'll take what I can get today. 

 

J