Terrified and need reassurance I will get better

[[Ei...]]

32, Female

 

About a year ago, I took some rc xanax from a friend for a few weeks and quit. I had rebound anxiety and insomnia for a good week, but that was it.

 

Due to mental strain from school, work, and a family illness, I began taking them again March-May. It's hard because I don't know the exact dosage, but it should have been around 1.3mg. I was even able to skip many days in between in April. I took about 39 overall, so not every day. I drank very often as well to cope. I decided I was done with both after these life stressors lifted.

 

It took about 4 days, but withdrawal hit me hard, and I had no idea about it.

 

First week - Akasthisia, high heart rate, panic anxiety (no panic attacks), blurred vision, numb legs, extreme fatigue, constant weeping, tremors, no appetite, dry heaving, vomiting, insomnia, pounding headache, dp/dr, muscle twitches, kicking at night, heavy eyelids, sensitivity to sounds. Most of the symptoms.

 

2nd week - Akasthisia stopped, experienced two windows, jelly legs, suicidal thinking, blurred vision, fatigue, head pressure, insomnia, muscle tension, very light tremors, no appetite, kicking at night, muscle twitches, sensitivity to sound. 15 lb weight loss. I had 2 windows of normality.

 

I'm now closing on week 3 - I began eating everything again on Monday! Some blurred vision, lots of head pressure, slightly improved insomnia, sore muscles, fatigue, fear of symptoms lasting forever and brain damage, just one night of kicks while sleeping, dry mouth, sensitivity to sound. No noticeable windows. My depression and anxiety is pretty much connected to my physical symptoms and utter fear that my life as I knew it will never be the same. I want to focus on things I like, to feel happiness, but it is all tarnished.

 

I have been able to drive, attend work, and join social gatherings for spurts this week. I constantly ask my partner to find somewhere for us to go to distract me. Sex is also possible, which I am grateful for, as I want to keep this connection with my partner.

 

I just read stories on here and reddit and have realized how many people are long-term damaged and I now feel like that is the only outcome to my situation. I can't focus on anything else and am in a pit of self-loathing for doing this to myself. I fantasize about everything I could have done differently. The head pressure is making me feel like I am crazy.

 

My partner and I were planning on getting married next year and starting a family. I feel like I have ruined everything. I miss myself and am so fearful.

 

Taking: Propanolol in the morning for heart, trazodone for sleep occasionally.

[[ma...]]

Hi EinsteinOnTheBeach  Welcome to Benzobuddies

 

I am sorry you've had such a tough time,  I am glad its getting better,  withdrawal symptoms can take a long time to settle down, you will continue to get better with more time.  I believe we all recover eventually,  it takes longer for some than it does for others.  You've come to a great place for support, you will connect with others who understand what you're going through.  Please continue to post questions on any of the dedicated boards.

 

Reading the Ashton Manual,  gives you a better understanding on why you feel the way you do.  It is a great resource for understanding the effect benzodiazepines have on our body. Chapter III reassured me, symptoms were temporary!  It also includes a list of common symptoms 

 

Here are a few helpful links

 

The Ashton Manual. 

Post withdrawal recovery support.   

Colorado Consortium Benzodiazepine Deprescribing Guidelines

 

If you wish to a signature (history of meds/doses etc) it will help members give you relevant advice.  Go to the top of the page and select PROFILE then choose forum profile then insert drug history into the text box and remember to click change profile

 

It will get better

 

Magrita