Depression/Anxiety/Weird Thoughts in Withdrawal

[[be...]]

I am 5 months out currently, still experiencing pretty significant withdrawal symptoms, depression, anxiety, and very weird thoughts.  The biggest symptom I notice is definitely my thoughts and thinking patterns are much different than when I was taking Klonopin.  I can definitely say I do have intrusive thoughts, things I haven't thought of in years just popping into my head for no apparent reason.  But the one thing I notice the most is my thinking now is just different in general.  I feel like I did very bizarre things while taking Klonopin, such as being unaccepting of others, not acting very nice at times, acting brash and  not thinking about my actions.  I feel like it has hindered my relationships that I had or didn't have because I was taking a benzo.  I can say that I did have happy times on klonopin but was always by myself as far as intimate relationships.  I was trying to get back into the dating world before I tapered and quit klonopin.  Now that seems like something so far away.  Especially with the thoughts I have of being down on myself, feeling sad a lot, wanting to change decisions I've made in the past, and regretting a lot of how I used to be. Is this normal?  Do most people start analyzing their past and having regrets when going through withdrawal?  Most of the time I just wish I could feel how I once did, as far as being happy, not constantly thinking about the future or where I will be in ten years, waves of anxiety flowing at all times.  I've kept hoping I wouldn't experience withdrawal symptoms like other people have talked about or that my withdrawal wouldn't last that long but at this point it seems never-ending.  I definitely have gotten somewhat better since I first started but I truly feel things won't get much better most of the time.  I try to think of things I am thankful for when my mind races off into unwanted thoughts territory.  It's just very difficult at times, and trying to stay focused on what's in front of me is a task in and of itself.  Enjoying the things I once did like music and other things is just not what it used to be.  I'm sure this is all part of withdrawal but I wish I knew an exact time when it would stop or at least not be nearly as severe as it has been.  I understand withdrawal timelines can vary differently for all people, but having some date of when normalcy starts to kick in would be great.  I thoroughly appreciate all of the people on here and the stories and support which they give one another.  Hopefully I can get back to my normal self sometime soon, it all seems so far away though.

[[St...]]

Hi Bent,

I am sorry to hear you are still going through this!  I don't have any ideas for you.  I'm still not finished with taper.  So many times I just want to stop from here and get on with it.  I guess this isn't like ripping a bandaid off. 

 

I did have bloodwork done in February, and found I was low in B12 and Vitamin D.  Also I was slightly hypothyroid.  I didn't take any of these as too very serious but now in kitchen sink mode for this depression I have decided to supplement these things and keep track of depression symptoms.  I got a B12 injection, taking D3 (and K) and NP Thyroid.  I also added Omega 3 - there is some evidence it can improve mood.  I eat close to zero fish maybe there is something off there as well.  All of these things impact neurons and I wonder if the benzo and withdrawal damage can be helped along with these things. 

 

Have you looked into getting any of this checked or thought about trying to supplement?  I really hope you feel better soon!

[[wi...]]

I am 5 months out currently, still experiencing pretty significant withdrawal symptoms, depression, anxiety, and very weird thoughts.  The biggest symptom I notice is definitely my thoughts and thinking patterns are much different than when I was taking Klonopin.  I can definitely say I do have intrusive thoughts, things I haven't thought of in years just popping into my head for no apparent reason.  But the one thing I notice the most is my thinking now is just different in general.  I feel like I did very bizarre things while taking Klonopin, such as being unaccepting of others, not acting very nice at times, acting brash and  not thinking about my actions.  I feel like it has hindered my relationships that I had or didn't have because I was taking a benzo.  I can say that I did have happy times on klonopin but was always by myself as far as intimate relationships.  I was trying to get back into the dating world before I tapered and quit klonopin.  Now that seems like something so far away.  Especially with the thoughts I have of being down on myself, feeling sad a lot, wanting to change decisions I've made in the past, and regretting a lot of how I used to be. Is this normal?  Do most people start analyzing their past and having regrets when going through withdrawal?  Most of the time I just wish I could feel how I once did, as far as being happy, not constantly thinking about the future or where I will be in ten years, waves of anxiety flowing at all times.  I've kept hoping I wouldn't experience withdrawal symptoms like other people have talked about or that my withdrawal wouldn't last that long but at this point it seems never-ending.  I definitely have gotten somewhat better since I first started but I truly feel things won't get much better most of the time.  I try to think of things I am thankful for when my mind races off into unwanted thoughts territory.  It's just very difficult at times, and trying to stay focused on what's in front of me is a task in and of itself.  Enjoying the things I once did like music and other things is just not what it used to be.  I'm sure this is all part of withdrawal but I wish I knew an exact time when it would stop or at least not be nearly as severe as it has been.  I understand withdrawal timelines can vary differently for all people, but having some date of when normalcy starts to kick in would be great.  I thoroughly appreciate all of the people on here and the stories and support which they give one another.  Hopefully I can get back to my normal self sometime soon, it all seems so far away though.

 

I feel the same way my friend.  Sending you healing thoughts, please do the same for me! Thank you.

[[Th...]]

Hi Bentbelly420,

 

I am in a similar place. Looking through the lens of post withdrawal, everything looks and feels just as you describe it. I read this article about post withdrawal syndrom (https://www.benzo.org.uk/pha-1.htm) and I am wondering, if it's really just 10-15%, who have to endure this.

These emotions, thoughts, feelings are part of the healing process. I keep repeating PianoGirls Mantra: What I am feeling is my healing. Sometimes I am better at it, sometimes (especially when the insomnia kicks in), I loose hope.

We are in this together, we will get out at the other end of the tunnel, and we will live happy lives and we will know, how lucky we are. Fingers crossed! 

[[wi...]]

It's great to be here with you guys.  I know, not great becasue of the suffering, but I'm so lonely, even virtual friendships mean so much to me.  PM anytime if you need to.

[[Br...]]

bentbelly, I could have written what you've written here when I was in the thick of withdrawal. The ruminating on regret for all kinds of things I wish I'd done differently, thinking about things that happened years ago that popped into my consciousness for no discernible reason, being down on myself, fearing I would never experience pleasure or joy again - all of these things tormented me and it was a miserable thing to go through.  But all of it was temporary and all of it passed. 

One of the things we repeat a lot around hereis that one of our most effective tools in coping with withdrawal symptoms is distraction.  Pouring yourself into some activity like tidying your house, making a drawing doing a puzzle etc. helps shift your attention and focus away from your symptoms.  This gives you some relief and helps get through the day with a bit less suffering.  Time is needed for your system to heal.  It's the time to take as good care of yourself as you can, eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water, try to spend time in nature every day and try to develop a tool kit of calming techniques like a regular meditation practice, yoga etc,  All of this adds up to giving you the best conditions for healing.  You will get through this.

[[be...]]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone, I really appreciate everything.  Trying to get through all of this without any input or anyone else's stories, I'm not sure if I would be able to do it.  Benzobuddies has really helped me through this, even though I'm still in the thick of withdrawal.  I do have some windows some days but cannot wait until I'm back to normal.  I really wish I would have quit long ago.  Thanks everyone, stay strong 💪 💙

[[...]]

12 months since my jump. I am better but not well. Still have sudden out of the blue waves of anxiety, insomnia and tinnitus. Making any plans is difficult if not impossible. I never know how my day is going to be. I just try to focus on the good days and not get consumed by the bad ones. To all who are where I was 2 years ago hang in there and taper as slow as possible. Things do get better it just take time.