Loooong agony

[[Co...]]

Well in 2019 on my I think 4th psych ward admission I was told being on 24mgs of clonazepam a day I was at risk for dementia and at that time I was 33, so I agreed to taper. Little did I k ow what I signed up for. The psychiatrist Said my dr (who didn't put me on them nor put me on that dose and was tapering me very slowly) was doing wrong and he said if he didn't taper me faster he'd call the college of physicians on him. So  he and I both had a shotgun to the head deal, I did 22mgs in 11 months, it was hell on earth, March 2020 covid hit my dr couldn't see me in person due to lock downs and all that and due to me being in bad withdrawal we held the taper at 2mgs. I stayed at 2 for a while until 2022, I made it down to 1.5mgs a day. But I ended up back in a psych ward again and was having bad anxiety and was isolating etc. So went back up .25mgs, then in December 2022 over Xmas I got covid and was taking baclofen for a condition and it was Making me very tired on top of covid so I stopped taking it.

 

Woe big mistake,  turns our baclofen is just like a benzo. So instead of tapering off another med I just went up another .25mgs on my clonazepam back to 2mgs, it gutted me to erase all the progress I made but it's better then being dependent on yet another medication.

 

Anyway about 3 months ago started tapering again,  got down to 1.75mgs again fairly ok. A month ago as of this coming Tuesday dropped to 1.5mgs now this time I'm having alot of anxiety, palpitations and the thinking something is physically wrong with my heart or something,  I'm sure everyone here can relate.

 

I figure it's about 1 month up and then 1 month down in terms of withdrawal symptoms and then getting leveled out. I'm hoping so anyway.

 

It's now alot more in my control the tapering. I want off these damn soul sucking pills so bad. I wonder to myself what if I don't level out?  Should I give it more time or just suck up the fact I'm.gonna feel like shit until  I'm off and let my gaba receptors heal.

 

It really is such an arduous journey. I went cold turkey off 5mgs a day in 2007 to go to rehab that was 29 days acute with and 2 months post acute. I stayed off them  for a good couple years until I got Graves disease and my adrenaline response was going insane so I was put on beta blockers and back on I think 2mgs of clonazepam a day. But I also had undiagnosed PTSD and borderline. So my dose went up and up to that insane 24mgs a day dose. It's the highest dose every dr I've seen has heard of, and I know this isn't a passing contest but it's just made this whole thing last now iver 3 years and at the rate I'm tapering will probably be until January or February next year until I'm off completely, cus there's no detox in my city that'll take someone past 7 days in my conservative ass province, and I don't have the 10k $ to go to a private detox/rehab. 

 

At times I just want to fall asleep and never wake up cuz every day it's the same grind. I can set my clock to when I'm gonna feel like crap every day.

 

I have started going to NA since last October  that has definitely helped with the isolation and feeling alone in all this. But I still haven't met anyone that's gone through bad benzo withdrawal in there. I know all addiction/dependency is similar but benzos take the cake when it comes to withdrawal, ive come off opioids, stimulants etc and alcohol and alcohol is the only thing that came close but they just gave me Ativan to get through that,  cant take Ativan to get through clonazepam withdrawal.

 

Anyway gonna see my prescribing dr tomorrow,  he's an addiction specialist through the clinic where I get my sublocade shot (buprenorphine aka suboxone that lasts 30 dyas) and gonna see what he says. I'm hoping once I get to like 1mg or south maybe he can pull some strings and get me into the hospital or a detox and tell them to keep me as long as I need, I'd go cold turkey then go to the hospital when the withdrawal got moderate but they'd just reinstate me. It's maddening. Seems my only real choice is to do the long slow route or go cold turkey on my own and that's not ideal at all. When I was doing the cold turkey off 5mgs back in Ontario I was 21 years old in good shape and wasn't on them that long and 5mgs was the most I got to, now I'm out of shape and was on 24mgs for years. I dunno if I'm making this a worse in my head or what, it's unfortunately a very psychological drug, so it can be very hard to tell what's really chemical and what's just in my head.

 

I wish everyone tapering the best of luck,  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

[[Pa...]]

You’ve done such an amazing job of getting off that huge dose of Clonazepam, I’m not sure why you think going to rehab/detox for the last little bit is necessary, I see you as someone who know’s how to get this done.

 

 

[[Co...]]

You’ve done such an amazing job of getting off that huge dose of Clonazepam, I’m not sure why you think going to rehab/detox for the last little bit is necessary, I see you as someone who know’s how to get this done.

 

I guess it's cuz I'm struggling with the last bit,  dropping .25mgs feel as hard-core as when I dropped 24 to 17 mgs right off the bat. It's been 3.5 years of being in withdrawal in one degree or another, I would just like to rip the band aid off although I do remember how bad that was going cold turkey off 5mgs I dunno if doing it at 1.5 or 1 or whatever would be as bad. It seems like my gaba receptors are pretty injured for lack of a better term. Sometimes I just feel extremely helpless and at the mercy of this drug even though I'm in charge of my tapering now. My dr asked if I needed to go up a bit I said no I definitely don't wanna re do or erase the progress Ice made even if it were to only go up .25 or .5mgs but I do wonder when the time comes to take my last dose what lasting effects this will have having been on them for so long now and having been on such an insane dose.  If I could attach the photo of my netcare script for when I was on 6mgs 4x a day getting massive bottles of 2mg pills I would. Alot don't believe me for some reason. Although it was an absurd dose and I apparently could have sued the Dr who put me on that dose but statute of limitations is gone for that. I go to NA 2x a week sometimes more on some random ones my sponsor will take me to outside the city, and I go  to CA  once a week. Wish there was a BA for benzos. I mean all dope sickness sucks but benzos are a whole different level of craziness as you probably know. But yeah I guess as I said I wanna get it over with Although I don't know of doing cold turkey or rapid would be a good idea now, I'm not as in shape as I was at 21 when I did the cd turkey thing,  and I seem alot more sensitive to it. Although I don't know how much of that is mental opposed to actually chemical withdrawal,  regardless ad my shrink says these meds are to treat a psychological condition so even if say 30 to 50% of what I feel is psychological its unfortunately still extremely real with benzos.

 

I do know the best way is a slow taper but after so long tapering it just starts to feel like torture day in and day out.

[[Pa...]]

I admire anyone who can taper, the discipline it takes is something I don’t have so please keep doing what you’re doing.  Jumping from Clonazepam at 1.5 mgs is not a good idea so lets not talk about doing that, just keep going, you’ve done an amazing job.

 

I was taking between 6-10 mgs a day when I quit and I’ve totally recovered, not a single issue left so I think you should plan of feeling great once you get through this, it’s good to have hope, don’t you think?

[[Co...]]

Hope is all I'm really going on now. Cuz it seems I'm extremely sensitive to Dropping even by .25mgs I definitely don't want to go up again not even by such a small amount . I was struggling back last year around August with suicidal thoughts why I was admitted then put up a bit, thankfully going to NA has really helped. I have an amazing sponsor who's trying his best to understand, he's never had issues with benzos, didn't really know what they were other then the typical "Xanax" or "Valium" so he can't fully grasp what im going through and he doesn't pretend to, but he doesn't shrug it off either,  actually when I went from 2 to 1.75mgs I was accidentally given 10 extra pills by the pharmacy  they must have missed counted or something cuz it's the only time it's ever happened, go figure when I'm trying really hard to get off them, back a year ago I woulda taken them all just to feel "normal" but yeah we met up that day as I called him asap when I saw I had extra and we disposed of them. That I think gave him the most insight into how powerful these meds are over someone's psyche, mind body and spirit. But my spirit is getting stronger. My body at times feels like I'm gonna die from a heart attack pr something. Just walking down the street can have me short of breath and all sweaty etc. Nose constantly running,  it's insane how many side effects there are from benzo withdrawal.

 

But I agree,  as much as I want to just get this shit over with doing a rapid/cold turkey detox I dunno if I could handle it. I mean I did in 2007 but that was a long time ago and as I mentioned was in alot better shape and I didn't know they had withdrawal, I was told by the rehab I was going to for opioids and coke etc that I couldn't be on them so I just stopped taking them, that was a doorway to a month of living hell in a detox for 22 days the other 9 I was with mh mom then 2-3 months of post acute symptoms, I think that's what really scares me now is PAWS cuz of the time ive been on them. Over 20 years with a 2 year gap now and a good 7 of them are super high doses. But I gotta keep my mind on the present and just get through each day. Looking to far forward in this kinda situation is just detrimental.

 

I appreciate the support. It's good to write this stuff out to ppl that know the nightmare of benzos. Wish there was a 12 step group just for them although might be a pretty motley crew lol a bunch of tapering benzo addicts might be a pretty tense atmosphere 

[[Pa...]]

I had so much trouble being around people I don’t think I could have gone to a support group but I know they have them, few and far between though.  You made a great decision calling your sponsor, he sounds like a good guy. 

 

I used to tell people that fear of alcohol kept me on the straight and narrow but after going through this nightmare, my greater fear is of benzo’s. I can’t have anything that affects GABA, alcohol, benzo’s and z-drugs are deadly for me.

 

It was 2007 when I quit cold turkey and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t endure that again so you’re making the right decision to keep tapering.

[[ia...]]

Hi Connmann,

 

I read your post and just wanted to take a moment and say... WOW. You are... my HERO.

Tapering from 20+mgs is... INCREDIBLE. I don't know how you've done it, but you HAVE PREVAILED. You are an inspiration to us all.

 

This forum has been the most rewarding and special place along my taper and recovery and I hope you find solace here also. Thank you for joining us and sharing your story. You are truly a MIRACLE and inspiration.

[[Co...]]

Hi Connmann,

 

I read your post and just wanted to take a moment and say... WOW. You are... my HERO.

Tapering from 20+mgs is... INCREDIBLE. I don't know how you've done it, but you HAVE PREVAILED. You are an inspiration to us all.

 

This forum has been the most rewarding and special place along my taper and recovery and I hope you find solace here also. Thank you for joining us and sharing your story. You are truly a MIRACLE and inspiration.

 

Thank you, it's not been easy to say the very least, but oddly enough the last bit seems to be the most challenging,  I mean doing 22mgs in 11 months was excruciating, but the symptoms were very physical that almost over wrote the anxiety and stress if that makes sense,. Then paused for almost 2 years and started again cuz that's about how long it took to heal from going from 24mgs to 2, now that I'm down to 1.5mgs  a day I get alot of the psychological part, there's definitely physical too, but I dont have excruciating benzo belly like I did  it's more now my chest, heart, sweating profusely,  and my nose runs like a faucet. Pretty gross lol.

 

Yeah I got 360 of the 2mg pills, it's literally insane looking at an old pic and the pill bottle was one of the very big ones just filled with 2mg whites, now I get 42 .5mg pills every 2 weeks to think I was on 16x the dose I am now is Mind blowing.

 

Never been called a hero before  I do want to spread my story when I'm off then hopefully by years end or shortly after and I've healed, as.i have a diploma in addictions and social services,  I want to raise awareness for benzos. Try to make them have more strict prescription guidelines and make them a triplicate medicine (in Canada that's on par with narcotics) these meds are way to prescribed for everything from insomnia muscle spasms to anxiety and so much more, now I don't think they should be shelved for everyone,  there's legitimate need for them but I think that 1 needs to be better evaluated and 2 better observed and not long term. I was put on them for what was diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder,  later turns out not only do I suffer from that but also borderline and CPTSD, but the Dr's answer was to keep increasing,  and because I was hurting I wanted to be numb, not gonna bullshit, I do miss the days where those pills made me indifferent to the world, but that's not real life, it's a drug induced sense of peace when all can be falling apart.

 

Anyways I'm ranting,  but thank you very much for the kind words. I just hope that if ppl going through this think it's too much, and my dose was staggeringly high it'll give them hope that it can be done. I do plan to be benzo free again and rid of all this day after day basically torture for lack of a better term, I know when on them even at low doses it's all the same, just like someone using 20mg of oxy and one using 100mg, they'll both go through bad opioid withdrawal.

But I can say writing stuff out on here definitely helps. Now only if it could get rid of my tinnitus  drives me crazy lol.