3 1/2 years & a "Cookie Extravaganza"

[[Mi...]]

Hello all,

 

I'm not on the benzo buddies forum as much as I used to be. I peek in once in awhile. If you PM me & I don't get to it, I apologize. I am working on regaining my life, & withdrawal forums, even the gentle ones, can trigger me surprisingly easily.

 

I can sometimes go about my day forgetting about withdrawal and if I even see a little reminder,  let's say a video suggestion for something benzo withdrawal related on Youtube, it instantly reminds me that I've been really sick and it changes my mood & mindset for the entire day (or a few days) from the glimpses of normal life that I've been getting more & more of, to a very negative mood & mindset. Even videos of positive benzo stuff can sometimes trigger me, and I don't dare read any comments on benzo related topics on YouTube. They are not "policed" & can easily plant "bad seeds"  in our vulnerable, easily impressionable minds. Be careful what you put in front of your eyes, read & watch. 

 

- BUT, when you need support, don't shy away from this very helpful and supportive forum. Ask for help without judging yourself for needing to ask. BUT, on your days that you do feel well, don't fall into the habit of coming here. Work slowly at regaining your life. It takes time to do this. At least it has for me.

 

Anyway, this month, November 2022  it is 3 1/2 years for me, med free.

 

I continue to heal & heal & heal as chunks of months pass. I definitely know there are huge improvements. I journal and can see my progress, and I feel it, & know it. But, it is at a "turtle 🐢 pace" for me. Or maybe more like I feel stuck a bit since the spring of this year where I pretty much stay around this same level of physical activity and when I try, can't quite push through to the next level.

 

I just took a moment to review what I wrote last on here in the "Milestone/Celebration" Board. My last posts over the summer were mostly about "dipping my toe in" & not overdoing because I had done that several times. I have managed to find my threshold & I usually stay at it or below, for now, until my CNS is healed enough for more.

 

My current threshold is not too shabby. I hit golf balls & play with my dog in the side yard & walk in nature daily. We take country rides weekly or more. I'm able to do house chores on a routine basis. I'm not cutting the lawn or anything like that, but we planted a bunch of mums and mulched & such. Driving is still hit & miss for me, but that's ok. I'll get there. I still do some very part time marketing for our business. I'm working on a small project right now.

 

My husband & I have wanted to make Rice Krispie Treats & hand them out to Halloween 🎃 trick or treaters. Dang namit! I didn't want to wait until next year yet again, so we decided to go for it. Luckily we live in a very small town so a small number of treats is plenty.

 

Well, because I had been doing well for the last month our ambitions began to amp up. Instead of Rice Krispie Treats we decided to make sugar cookie cut outs with Royal Icing ... for the first time. If you are not familiar with what Royal Icing is, it is a very shiny icing that hardens and allows for some serious design work. It is not your typical frosting, and it requires drying time in between layers. The end result is a cookie that is a work of art.

 

There was a learning curve of course. Well, a LOT of learning curves. Lol. And, then needing to order special packaging (because of course it had to be cute) ..  So making some Rice Krispie treats soon turned into !!THE COOKIE EXTRAVAGANZA!!

 

Now, as I look back at one of my posts here from this summer, I specifically talked about: Looking back 6 months later & asking myself: "why did I do that back then? I knew I was still too sick".

Well, what happened this time is I got tired of sitting in this recliner more than I wanted to. A lot of downtime/resting can lead me to letting my "withdrawal brain" mislead me & tell me that "I'll never heal" or worrying about "what ifs".  However, for the 4 days that we embarked on our cookie adventure, I happily forgot about withdrawal, & I forgot I was sick.

 

I've taken on a lot of things along my journey to help me distract, but for some reason making cookies to give away made me feel like I was a normal human. More so than painting rocks, making sculpey animals, digital doodling on the ipad, embroidering on an embroidery machine, or watching movies etc. Those other things still had my mind wandering to focus on withdrawal & "what ifs".

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just further along in my healing and distractions, like cookie making, are more effective in actually distracting me now? Plus my husband and I both love to bake, & there's that whole positive side where someone benefits from our efforts by receiving a treat. It's not just painted rocks laying around the house & in the garden.

 

Anyway, we made our beautiful pumpkin 🎃 cookies for Halloween. We spanned it out over 4 days. I took a lot of long breaks in between. I took special care to pace myself. The trick or treaters were so fun to watch. To see the kids little faces with their cookies. There was a lot of joy and emotion. Truly one of the best times I've had in the entire last 3 1/2 years. In the middle of it all I told my husband that it was the happiest I had been on this entire journey.

 

Am I having to "pay for it" now in symptoms since we were "busy bees" in the kitchen for a 4 day span? Yes, but so far it's been manageable symptoms. I feel REALLY "hungover" and my "boaty" symptom is returning a bit here & there, but with rest I'm feeling better. Doing major self care.

 

Then last evening, I settled in to watch some cookie tutorials on YouTube. I watched a seasoned baker, A HEALTHY /NOT SICK gal who sells cookies from her home bakery, make and decorate 80 cookies. She cut them out, & baked them, and got about 3/4 of the way through putting on the icing and she said: "I have 'Cookie Burnout'. I'm exhausted. I will finish these tomorrow",  and she went to bed!! It was not until that moment that it dawned on me exactly how much work my hubby & myself had put into the whole ordeal. I chuckled to myself,  then we both got a good laugh out of it. 

 

We made 53 cookies. (Well we threw away about 15 that came out deformed from the oven - learning curve. Therefore we actually baked more than 53.) For two amateurs, with me still healing, they turned out beautiful! We had fun & it made my heart warm with joy!

 

Trick or treat was 3 days ago. I'm already planning to make a much smaller batch to give away.

 

I'm at a point now where it's like a "sea saw" or a "teeter totter". I still have bad days here and there or bad hours, but I try to stay on the positive end of the teeter totter. When I have that joy, I try to stay on that positive end and hold onto it & hold it to my heart, mind & soul to teach my brain that it is safe.

 

I still have rough patches sometimes where I wonder if it will ever end, but that's only when I feel like crap. On the days I feel great I feel like withdrawal is over & I'm 100% sure I will get through it. I'm sure my confidence in that will continue to grow as symptoms lessen even more in frequency & duration.  It already has.

 

I still did more this past summer than any other summer in all of this. I golfed 2x. Went to the driving range. Hit a few festivals. Walked several parks. Went to the beach. Was around people & socializing more. Had guests over my house, and visited some folks.

 

Did I have symptoms during or after these activities? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Intensity & length varied, but I'm SO GLAD that I did it all, and I continue to try to at a gentle pace.

 

These things I continue to do on the daily: hit golf balls in our side lot, play with the dog outside & take nature walks with zero to minimal issues, and I am very thankful for this.

 

I hope you enjoyed my simple story.

Keep moving forward everyone.

Hugs 

- Fortitude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Thank you for sharing your story, Miss Fortitude. It inspired me to carry on with hope at 34 months Benzo free.

 

Wishing you continued healing and much happiness.

 

Sandy🥰

[[Wa...]]

So glad to hear of your continued progress. I am at 3.5 years too but have been twice more setback since the AB.

I don't come on here much either as it's too triggering but sometimes I just need the support.

Onwards and upwards to you!

[[ka...]]

💕💕💕

[[fr...]]

Thanks for coming back and sharing, Miss Fortitude!  Glad you are able to do more things these days, and were able to enjoy making treats for Halloween.

 

[[ne...]]

I really enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing <3