Coming up on a year Benzo-free.

[[Mi...]]

Hey buddies, I hope you all are well and that you’re staying strong in your recovery. I know it isn’t easy and so few people around you actually know what you’re going through. You may feel completely alone, but this is a place where you can come to find others who feel alone and are struggling. I spent around four months browsing the forums, posting, and living in this community because it was the only place where people understood what I was going through.

 

With that being said, I am posting this a little early. Two weeks and six days early, to be exact! I am coming up on a year of being Benzo free! I am sure that so many of you have your own stories about how your recovery went and I’m certain each one differs from mine, but for me, I spent all of my time bedridden. I could not move from my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time and it was only ever to go to the bathroom. I didn’t shower, I hardly ate anything at all, I lost a ton of weight, and I stopped taking care of myself. Proper nutrition was a laughable notion, getting enough water to drink was something I refused to do, simply because I knew that I’d have to get up again to use the bathroom. I quit brushing my hair and had gnarly tangles in it when I started to get better.

 

I remember one particular situation where I had terrible acid reflux, so badly that it felt like someone was trying to tear me apart from the inside of my chest. Agonizing, horrific pain was constantly terrorizing my body. My skin was on fire CONSTANTLY. I was always drenched in sweat, constantly trying to cope with chemical anxiety, constantly wishing my suffering would just end. I had bad stomach pains, awful back and chest pains, to the point where I would cry just standing up because my back hurt so bad.

 

All of this and so much more. SO much more. The list of symptoms goes on and on. Any Google search will tell you that the w/d symptoms only last a week, something I’m sure that every person on this forum has seen and laughed at. A week? Really? If ONLY our symptoms had lasted a week, there would be no place for this forum to exist at all.

 

I never thought I would make it. I remember breaking down and crying and going through all of my mistakes I’d ever made, wishing for another chance to go back and make things right, because I truly thought this was it. This is how my story ends.

 

It wasn’t, and it won’t be for you, either. Please don’t give up. Please, if you are considering reinstating, don’t. I promise the road is hard, but there is a light on the other side and it’s so beautiful. This experience made me appreciate the times where I could cry happy tears, where I could hold my loved ones and tell them that I love them, where I could snuggle my furry kids, where I could go outside and see the world for all its beauty.

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, please, feel free to reach out to me. We can laugh together, cry together, or we can fight together. If you feel like you can’t fight on your own because you’re too tired and exhausted, know that I will fight for each and every one of you, blood, tooth, and nail.

 

I love you all and I can’t thank all of you enough for helping me through the worst experience of my life. This community will forever be in my heart.

[[ka...]]

congrats on not going back after Cold Turkey, me either, never again , never forget

[[Pa...]]

This is a beautiful story only it isn't a story is it, its your life and your triumph, thank you for sharing it with us.  Have you fully recovered, because if you have, this definitely qualifies for a success story and its one our bedridden members need to hear.  I'm so happy you can feel positive emotions again, I understand completely what you mean when you express how good it feels just to feel again. 

[[Ra...]]

Hi Aria

That story is one of hope. When I read that you were bedridden it’s hard to fathom. I’m in 10.5 mos and the anxiety and waves are still there. I took klonopin for 30 years and at times feel this will never end. I have to wonder if you felt the same way?  I get anxiety and lots of fear , fear fear!!  I hope to see my days change as I get towards one year with no benzos. Did it all of a sudden start to get better? Thanks for your story !!

[[Br...]]

Congratulations on your Benzo free one year anniversary!  Thank you so much for sharing the story of your withdrawal journey. Well done - it has taken immense strength and determination. Truly inspiring 

[[Mi...]]

Hi Aria

That story is one of hope. When I read that you were bedridden it’s hard to fathom. I’m in 10.5 mos and the anxiety and waves are still there. I took klonopin for 30 years and at times feel this will never end. I have to wonder if you felt the same way?  I get anxiety and lots of fear , fear fear!!  I hope to see my days change as I get towards one year with no benzos. Did it all of a sudden start to get better? Thanks for your story !!

 

I have to imagine that it was easier for me since I wasn’t on K for longer than two years, with sporadic usage. One recurring feeling and thought in my brain was, “this is never going to end. I’m going to feel like this forever.” I’m so sorry you’re going through this for 10.5 months now. It will end, it will get better. I hope it gets better for you soon. The fear and anxiety was easily the worst symptom for me.