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Falling into deep depression


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The last year has ruined me

Physically, I am unable to walk and can barely leave my bed because the pain in my deteriorating muscles is so bad that when I try to get up and move, even for a few minutes, I suffer so badly and I’m glued to the bed again. Im so weak… I’ve been on Valium for the past 15 years. (Originally given for generalized anxiety) After starting a beta blocker in Jan 2021 (because the cardio dr said it helped anxiety), and subsequently tapering it due to side effects, I started noticing the V wasnt working any more.


I thought this was all mental so I saw a therapist that told me my primary doc should have switched my benzo a long time ago. She (primary doc) prescribed Xanax 1mg 2x per day, and over the next four months, my body went crazy. I felt like my heart would race when I took them, and after just a few months (4) I started developing severe interdose withdrawals.


I immediately told my primary doc, who told me to stop taking Xanax, and go right back onto the V.

I tried the very next day, to substitute a 10mg V and all hell broke loose. 12hr long panic and psychosis until the evening when I went back to the Xanax again, and again I was back into interdose withdrawals for one week straight.


They were so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure so I went to a medical detox which kept me for 5 days on Librium, and released me with…. You guessed it - a prescription for Valium 5mg 2-3 times daily. 


I have been out of the 5 day rapid detox and back on the Valium since Dec 19th, 2021

I have been taking only 5mg 2x a day, once in the morning at 9 and one in the evening at 9pm

I have not been able to stabilize back on the Valium… Its almost like taking nothing.

A month and a half and no stabilizing…. Cant go up in dose now or I risk even further tolerance (per Ashton manual)


A little about me: started off as overweight type 2 diabetic, high blood pressure, ascending aortic aneurism… very scary stuff

I also have had (since I started taking the beta blocker and coming off it) constant diarrhea and bloating which has caused me to lose 85 pounds or so. The diabetes is nearly gone now but my blood pressure fluctuates.

I am completely bedridden and I have a bedside toilet. I can walk to the car with my wife’s help but if I go anywhere I’m being pushed by her in a wheelchair. The diarrhea isnt just sometimes, its every morning. I might get a day or two where it stiffens up a tiny bit, but for a year this has been my life.

My leg and arm muscles are so much smaller now, and I can see my bones sticking out, like for example, my hip bones protrude against my arms if i sleep on my side and I can feel it.


I dont feel right in my own body…usually when a person loses this much weight, they feel energetic but I am frail and my whole body hurts so bad. I am prescribed hydrocodone for pain but i dont take it because it makes me feel speedy and amps up my anxiety. I havent taken any at all for the last 6 months. Just regular tylenol which does nothing.


I feel SO hopeless. I’m a 47 year old man who was young at heart, had friends, played music in bads, recorded albums, went on tour, been married 20 years this April…we have 3 kids, 20, 17, and 14

And now I feel life is passing me by as I wither into nothingness. My wife loves me, but doesnt understand… and i know she cant unless shes had to go through it personally. I feel like when I talk to her about possibilities and suggestions, she starts to just blank out and really doesnt want to address the torment I am in every second of every day.


I feel like a failure to my kids and to my wife, and to God.


All this insanity seemed to come out of the blue, I never took more benzo than prescribed, and only in situational scenarios where I felt panic coming on.


Im seeing doctors but none seem to have answers… GI doc did an endoscopy and colonoscopy and only saw inflammation.


I was reffered to physical therapy but how can i do that and keep my blood pressure normal because of my anyuerim ? Its scary. Very scary.


I’ve lost everything… I’ve lost my “self”


The valium doseage I take barely keeps me from going into tolerance withdrawal

I never even took 5mg x2 per day before all this started, during those years…only like one 10mg pill every few days or maybe even one or two a week… just as needed.


I’m sitting in the dark right now, in bed, crying my eyes out. I have lost my sense of hope.

Everything I try seems to make me even worse and the pain is unbearable. Physically AND mentally.

Anti-depressants will raise my blood pressure… another worrisome thought.


I feel like I have nobody to turn to. My telehealth therapist treats it like its just normal anxiety without factoring in the benzo problem, or the current physical state i am in.


One last detail, my primary doc did a Vitamin D test on me and I am SEVERELY deficient. (Normal is 20, i am at 8… i got some suppliments, but im afraid to take them because I read people on here saying they rev up their symptoms really bad. Who knows if I can even absorb them with this much diarrhea going on for 8 months?


I am just at a complete loss. I feel like my wife is going to give up on me and take the kids…


I dont know what to do. I am so physically weak and also mentally…

I feel isolated while life passes me by. I wasnt supposed to become this person :(


All of these symptoms started in May or June of 2021 and just got progressively worse.


I get people telling me, go for a walk, get some exercise… I’d love to, honestly I would. And Lord knows I am thankful for those of you who can and do. You’re all walking miracles to me.

Right now it’s hard to muster up the strength to sit up in bed and look out my bedroom window and look at the dreary grey sky and snow and ice everywhere. I look in a mirror and it doesnt seem like me anymore… Just an empty shell.


I can barely watch movies or TV shows anymore because every time I do, I see these people walking around enjoying life in them and I think to myself, “I used to be able to walk around like that, I used to laugh like that…”


Now look at me :(


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Hi! Everything that happens to you is a consequence of panic. In fact, not everything is so bad. I was in such a state myself. You need support. Why don't you try the Narcotics Anonymous community? It helped me a lot! And I also used Erickson hypnosis sessions. Everything will be fine! God bless you! :smitten:
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  • 2 weeks later...
That sounds incredibly rough going - you're a tough cookie just surviving. You mentioned you are in great deal of pain and were given an Rx for it. Why not take it, at least to see how it goes? Don't see any sense in going to NA. Sounds like a guilt trip - which is the last thing you need! OMG!
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My heart goes out to you. I have pretty bad depression as my worst symptom. I have no answers for you other than I do believe this will end. Do you have plans to get off the valium totally? I am sorry if you already stated that in your post. I am not in a good space today and not able to digest the whole post.


What I do know is this - these drugs change the brain and it can take awhile to heal once we are off this stuff. I have read that depression is a major side effect of valium. I was on Klonipin and it sure made my depression worse an when I came it was a new level of hell I had never experienced.  I am 10 months off and so much has improved but the depression is really bad.


I too do not see the point of NA. That is more for people who are drug addicts, not people who took as directed and ended up damaged but maybe the camaraderie would help, I don't know. I just want to stress that in the darkest times, try to remember that there are stories of people who had severe severe severe depression and one day it just cleared up. You are not alone. I know the depression tells you that you are and this will never change but I do believe it will.


Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Sometimes in my darkest times all I can do is cry and talk to God or write in a journal. I have to get it out. I am sending you a warm hug from afar.

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Just came in here because I have gotten more and more depressed the further I get into my taper.  I am very sorry to hear of your situation ZMan.  I am only 9 months into my taper, will be at .5 mgs clonazepam this weekend. So, I guess I can only confirm for you that depression is an unfortunate side affect of benzo and benzo withdrawal.  I was not depressed at all when I started.

The vitamin D might be a big part of it.  I seem to get more depressed in winter & when indoors most of the time.  I am going to look into D3 supplements for myself, and testing to see if I am low.

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