Please help me, please!

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for all of the input everyone. I currently dose twice daily. Once in the morning, and once at night (0.025 mg each time). It has been seven months since I effectively cold turkeyed and then reinstated at 0.35 mg, and I have been sinking further into the depths of hell with each passing day. While on the 1 mg dose of Clonazepam, I developed POTS, and I am hoping it resolves once I am off of this poison. I was in excellent physical condition before taking that rat poison, now I am practically a dead man. Frankly, I am afraid of updosing back to 1 mg because of what Ashton said about it after so much time has passed. If I don’t stabilize, even at doses above 1 mg/day, I will not survive a second taper. I am hoping coming off completely will start to improve things, but I am not so sure. Last night my left leg started spasming violently, and my hands are going numb as well. Neurologically, I am in very bad shape. I don’t know what to do, or how much longer I will be able to take all this pain and suffering. Has anyone been in bad shape like me, and recovered. I really need to know all the pain I am currently going thru is not in vain.

[[So...]]

Has anyone been in bad shape like me, and recovered. I really need to know all the pain I am currently going thru is not in vain.

 

The answer is yes. Me and others too.

I seriously don't want to scare you with what happened to me and all my muscle and neuro stuff. But it was beyond bad.

But I am doing great now!!!!!!!!

[[Ja...]]

Thanks for the inspirational words, but I think that light at the end of my tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. I cannot put into words my current level of suffering. For one thing, I can’t feel my skin, and my heart rate goes crazy when I stand up. I barely sleep an hour or two at night, and when I wake up (usually at 4am), my skin is burning and I am sweating and can’t fall back asleep even if I stay in bed till noon. I used to sleep like a baby, but now I never get sleepy tired. I am fatigued and feel terrible all the time, just not the normal tired. I have severe abdominal muscle spasms each time I inhale that make sleeping impossible. I could go on and on, because I have about 30 horrible symptoms. I can no longer eat most foods without symptoms getting worse, and for the past seven months I have been dizzy with no windows at all. I really no longer want to go on living, or I should rather say, existing like this. I really don’t.

 

When I tried to taper straight from Xanax I went through everything you are describing. I barely made it out alive, literally. I could not sleep or eat and my body was starting to reject even water. I was then CTd off of Xanax and put I Be Ativan and started taking Remeron. Switching to the Ativan or taking the Remeron allowed me to finish tapering. As soon as I started the Remeron within a few days I was sleeping 8 hours a night and eating one meal a day. It saved my life. I have been off of benzo for 2 years and 4 months now and am almost done tapering the Remeron. I should be off in about 12 weeks. Also a long and hard taper but nothing compared to where you are now and I do remember what it is like to be where you are now. I will never forget it.

[[Sk...]]

Do you think I should continue tapering? I am very worried about the neurological damage it is doing to me, but I really want to be off of this drug. I have been horribly dizzy for over seven months now. I have POTS and cannot do anything physical anymore. I was a trained athlete who lifted weights and jogged three times per week. I have been training ever since I was 15 years old. Now I am basically the walking dead. I also recently noticed that anywhere I touch my skin, it hurts. Even if I close my fist, it hurts. I am very afraid right now. I can’t continue living like this anymore.

[[da...]]

I suggest that you consider stabilizing before doing any further tapering. Perhaps this benzo is being too harsh, and switching to another benzo (valium) may allow you to stablize and have a better tapering experience.

[[Sk...]]

I tried switching to Valium several months ago, but could not tolerate it. I think my problem is that the damage that Clonazepam did to my brain is being unmasked as I taper, but my brain is not adapting fast enough. Every waking moment and even my dreams are an absolute hell. I kick myself for not doing more research into the dangers of benzos before taking them, but I really blame the doctors who prescribed them to me because not one of those idiots warned me about the horrible damage they can do to your brain.

[[Ja...]]

I tried switching to Valium several months ago, but could not tolerate it. I think my problem is that the damage that Clonazepam did to my brain is being unmasked as I taper, but my brain is not adapting fast enough. Every waking moment and even my dreams are an absolute hell. I kick myself for not doing more research into the dangers of benzos before taking them, but I really blame the doctors who prescribed them to me because not one of those idiots warned me about the horrible damage they can do to your brain.

 

I was switched from Xanax to Ativan. I was in the psych unit at the time and was not given a choice. The doctors in the unit I was in were under the impression that Ativan is easier to taper from than Xanax. I have my doubts about that but in my particular case they actually weren't wrong. It was hell but once crossed over it was a manageable hell which I felt I could survive whereas I knew I wasn't going to with Xanax. However the crossover was something I did not tolerate either. Luckily I was forced in a setting where I had no free will so I just had to sit there hallucinating and vibrating and spasming while being electrocuted and not sleeping or eating until finally my body accepted that Ativan was all it was getting. I never fully stabilized on it as I started to taper it as soon as I was released into partial outside care under daily supervision of a psychiatrist who did not support my decision to taper yet supported me anyway if that makes any sense. I tapered off in six weeks at that point. I had been on Remeron for about 3 weeks when I started to taper the Ativan. Dr. Ashton said in her manual that some people do not heal until fully off the drug and that they would have to do a fast taper and then hold on for relief. Seemingly I was one of those people. Things only got worse for me while on benzos, whether I held or cut. Increasing would give me relief but as somehow who was developing tolerance so quickly that seemed like digging a bigger hole. I made progress fairly quickly once I was completely off but none no matter what I did while I was still taking a benzo no matter how small the dose.

I want to tell you to go on 15 mg Remeron to get relief from symptoms, then taper off the rest of your benzo quickly over 4 to six weeks and then stay on the Remeron until you feel you are ready and then spend 2 years tapering the Remeron because that is what I did and it saved me but I know that it may not work for you. But it is the only thing I know because it is how I got out of the hole you are in when I was in it. I just don't know any other way. Not saying it is the only way because it's surely not. Look into the Ashton manual and read what she said about people like us who get trapped in their taper who do not seem to stabilize and only get worse.

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for your detailed account. I tried Mirtazapine already. I took one dose and when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I couldn’t use my arms or hands properly. That scared the hell out of me, so I only took it once. I don’t want to put any more mind altering drugs in my body. All my life, I never took any recreational drugs, or any prescribed drugs unless absolutely necessary. I even had a colonoscopy without any sedative. I was so desperate for sleep, I finally relented and took that rat poison that is now killing me. I read what Ashton said about people like us, and about continuing the taper. However, my symptoms are already so horrific, I don’t know if I will survive the taper at this point. Neurologically, I am a basket case. My hands have started to go numb at night, and I have a lot of nerve pain throughout my body. As I cut, things just get worse, much worse. I still have 24 cuts to go, and each one will be more painful than the last. I am really afraid for my future now, but I don’t want anymore drugs in my body. That said, I hope I am not doing permanent damage to my nervous system by continuing the taper. Thoughts and comments are always appreciated.

[[da...]]

Skyglider: There are many of us (including me) who wished we had never touched this nasty stuff. Yet, here we are, and we have to find a way of this.

 

If you hold your current dosage, do things tend to calm down after a week or two? Or they get worse even at your current dosage?

[[Sk...]]

Even if I hold my current dose, things don’t ever really improve for me. When I cut, I often get new terrifying symptoms that peak the second day after cutting, then settle down a little afterwards. However, they don’t go away if I continue to hold. Updosing a bit (I went from 0.1 mg/day to 0.15 mg/day for a while) doesn’t help either. I held at 0.1 mg/day for three months and only got worse. I really am afraid and don’t know how to get off this poison without destroying my nervous system. I have been losing coordination and that scares the hell out of me. Now, I am at 0.048 mg/day, and I don’t know if I will survive cutting to zero, but I feel I have no choice but to continue cutting. What do you think?

[[ho...]]

Hi- I have read through the your thread and I am so sorry for you.

 

I know you said that when you held for 3 months, it did not work, and I understand that....but how about just try and hold for 1-2 weeks right now.  Even just 1 week and see if you get just the slightest bit of relief.  I say this only to prevent new and cascading symptoms, and to maybe give your CNS just a break for a week or two to calm down, even if maybe you don’t “feel” it that much ( hopefully you do), and just maybe your symptoms wouldn’t continue to be so “crushing”.

 

The other thing to “try” is meditation right now.....guided meditation and breathing.  There are many on YouTube that I have used.  I also listen to soothing water music and night and practice the breathing when things get bad.

 

Marie

[[Sk...]]

I am just so, so tired of it all already. I have suffered too much for too long. Today, I did get a bit of good news. For some reason, my POTS symptoms have abated. Recently, sitting my pulse was over 70 bpm, and standing it was near 100 bpm. My pulse used to be 48 bpm standing, because I have trained my entire life. Right now, sitting my pulse is 50 bpm, and standing it goes to 60 bpm. That at least tells me there is some hope. The only thing I did differently recently was to take a vitamin B complex tablet last night after dinner because it is supposed to help with neuropathy. I used to take a multivitamin daily, but stopped because it made my withdrawal symptoms worse. I think I will start taking one at night, since the B complex seemed to help. Has anyone else noticed the effect vitamins can have on improving symptoms?

[[da...]]

Today, I did get a bit of good news. For some reason, my POTS symptoms have abated.

Congrats. Take the win and enjoy it. There is definitely hope. You have to strongly believe. The power of a positive mind and will.

 

I think I will start taking one at night, since the B complex seemed to help. Has anyone else noticed the effect vitamins can have on improving symptoms?

I suggest sticking to the B complex for a few days and getting comfortable with it. I suggest that you add the multivitamin after a few days, since adding B complex and multivitamin may be too much for your system. I suggest that you start with a quarter tablet and see how you feel.

 

People have different experiences on multivitamins:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=57210.0

 

Deep breathing exercises help normalize the blood pressure, anxiety, and heart beat. Just focus on the breathing and let everything else go.

 

Navy SEALs utilize deep breathing to destress

 

"Box breathing allowed me to perform exceedingly well in the SEALs," says Divine. "It was instrumental in saving my life several times in crises," says Divine. "I was able to remain calm and focus clearly to avoid reactionary thinking, or worse, panic," tells the former Navy SEAL.

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for your input and kind thoughts. I desperately want to be off this poison and back to health, but I am afraid of what the future will bring. Some say, the only way out is through. Some say to updose. Others, like you, say to hold. I have tried all three methods, and all three brought me more pain and suffering. This morning, I cut my dose to 0.023 mg for the first time, but tonight I will take 0.024 mg as I did the last few days. I hate my life right now, and what this drug did to my body and mind. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really don’t.

[[se...]]

Skyglider,

 

I too had the POTS things and very high pulse rate and blood pressure, one day it just stopped and went really low.  I am sure you are making some improvement.  This is just my opinion, I would give yourself some time to stabilize.    This was so hard for me because like you, I wanted off the stuff.  You are at such a low dose at this point it shouldn't be too much longer.  My fear is that if you go too quickly things may get worse and like you said, you have suffered enough. 

 

Trust me when I say we all feel the same way you do. Take care..

[[da...]]

I have tried all three methods, and all three brought me more pain and suffering.

 

Have you discussed gabapentin with your doctor? Or any other medication to help with symptoms?

 

See this thread on gabapentin helping with clonazepam withdrawal:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=40529.0

 

[[Sk...]]

I tried Gabapentin in the past, and did not like it. It didn’t help my sleep, and made me feel worse during the day. I really don’t want to take any more psychotic drugs. I damaged my brain enough already. That said, sleep last night was awful and very broken. Woke up for good at 4 am. I can’t continue living like this. Life itself has become unbearable.

[[ba...]]

Contact this group for tapering advice:

 

http://www.beatingbenzos.com/365527979

 

 

You can tell them a moderator at BB sent you.  They will respond in a day or two. Their services are free, and they mostly help people come up with taper plans. You don't have to do whatever they suggest, but think of them as a second opinion from an online support forum.

 

Like us, they are not doctors, but they may have an idea. Please let them know of any failed crossovers, as that is what they usually advise.

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for the advice. I am in a world of pain and anguish, and can’t seem to reduce the dose any further. I really don’t see how I can survive this.

[[se...]]

You will absolutely survive!  Please just stay strong, each day will get a little easier..

[[So...]]

I was in the same boat as you....I didn't come off easily or even an ideal way....But I survived it!!

You will too

[Guest [fl...]]

I understand why you wouldn't want to take any more psychiatric drugs. When I was feeling overwhelmed like I couldn't go on, even 6.5 months after my CT, I decided it was time to consider my options. I looked into gabapentin and pregabalin - they are a bit different and some do better with one or the other. If you didn't do well with gabapentin, you could consider pregabalin (Lyrica).

 

I started with a tiny dose that I measured on a scale (10mg) from the powder in the capsule. I am not sure if it was just my time to feel better or the tiny dose, but I feel much better.

 

That said, you may need more, but might benefit from a very slow titration up to avoid side-effects. This may be far preferable to 1) incredible suffering 2) updosing and starting over.

 

Hugs

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for all of the advice. One symptom that is absolutely driving me crazy and makes sleeping all but impossible is that my left abdominal muscle spasms severely when I inhale. Has anyone else experienced such withdrawal symptoms? If so, did they resolve? I can’t live like this much longer.

[[ba...]]

That's ataxia and abdominal cramps. Normal wd sxs.

 

I think if you see that these symptoms are documented manifestations of wd, it could help you calm down.  You are in pretty severe wd, but it will stop. I know you can't stand it, but you need to hang on to the truth that these awful symptoms will self correct in time.

 

You don't have to just put up with this. See yourself as the master of your life, not the pain. It takes time. Relaxation techniques will help, and give you some power to bring it down. In my experience yoga for anxiety is the most effective. It wont cure it, but it will help. You have done everything you could medically, lets try behavior. Behavioral things are what gets me through my own wd. Pills never will, no point to even think they will.

 

Can you do meditative yoga focused on breathing? It really works to calm down the nervous system. Also, yoga that is just affirmations. The more you do, the more real it becomes. Very little movement, mostly breathing and some poses that help relax muscles. Very low key.

 

Will you try it? If nothing else, it gives you a very real way to get relief and calm down while your trying to figure out what to do with your taper.

 

Going to link you to some things you can do that will help, especially the more you practice them. You can do it!

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzzp1gxZd0U&list=PLnQJb5upR8D6Mk8U9UeaejH87pM6z_0-y&index=67&ab_channel=DoYogaWithMe

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJeSbfL-CzY&list=PLnQJb5upR8D6Mk8U9UeaejH87pM6z_0-y&index=3&ab_channel=PsycheTruth

 

Large play list of relaxing guided meditations with very simple yoga:

https://www.youtube.com/c/yogawithkassandra/playlists

 

 

Here is a pretty comprehensive list of wd symptoms :

http://www.beatingbenzos.com/365527994

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for the info, but does the ataxia eventually go away in time, or will it be permanent? I read that it can be permanent from the damage the drug did to the brain. I am also losing coordination in my arms, legs, and hands, and that is in line with the definition of ataxia. Have you, or anyone else, developed ataxia during withdrawal, but recovered from it? I need to know this is not permanent. I am getting more and more depressed now. I feel that my life is already over. All but for the constant suffering.