Your LOWEST, most HUMILIATING MOMENT in this benzo journey????

[[st...]]

I can think of several such moments. The one which comes to mind now is - last summer, there was a knock at the door. I thought it was my boyfriend, coming back from a 'tennants meeting' of our apartment house. He must have forgotten to take a key.

I opened the door in my underwear and a blouse, looking awful.  It was all the the tennants looking for him - he fled in the middle of the meeting because he was offended by something. There I was at the door and 6 people faced me... I thought I would die...

This would never have happened to me under normal circumstances... I was both embarassed and hysterical - they came looking for him - where did he run away to...

 

Once, this January, in Bangkok I found myself wearing my blouse inside out!!!!! I was so embarassed!!

 

:-[

 

[[am...]]

Believing for a nano second any of the garbage the shrink I went to for help during ct told me.  That's the most embarrassing pathetic thing I've done in my life.  Thankfully I didn't fall for their idiocy.

 

[[St...]]

I think my embarrassing moment was during the benzo detox at the hospital. On day three I wanted to take a shower and being so used to having my own stuff in my bathroom, I forgot to get the towels to dry off. So I had to squeegy off, get dressed (the place was co-ed) and get some towels and do the shower over again.

 

[[Ma...]]

I was mixing up my milk and klonopin for my daily titration. I was in the process of putting my measured out dose in baby food jars (dosing jars) for the day. Well on my last jar, the klonopin-milk mixture spilled all over the top of the stove and down the front of it. I had to go get my refill the following day so I didn;t have any extra pills to make more, so I began lapping the klono-milk up off the stove top like a dog, then I was licking it off the front of the stove where it had dripped down, at this moment, my then fiance walked in and stared right at me as I was running my tounge down the front of the stove trying to get it all up.  My pride went down about 20 notches on that one.

[[Pr...]]

Probably crying in the doctor's office begging him to help me (only to be told no)

[[sa...]]

When I white knuckled it down to .3 clon one night  I spent hours curled in a ball on my bed, crying, shaking, rocking.  I waited till 6 45 am and called one of my sons to come help me. I was SO weak and shaking, he had to lift me off the bed and carry me to the bathroom. I was so dizzy and scared I begged him to not let go of me when he put me on the toilet. My precious 25 year old son had to  hold me and witness me peeing, crying, shaking.... a total mess.

 

Three days later when my doc said go back up a few notches, it didn't take much arm twisting.

 

Working my way back down more slowly.

 

Oh.. and being told in the ER when I went in due to a heart rate of 180 that I couldnt get to go down, That I am an addict and they treated me like one. WHen I tried to explain, the doctor hissed at me, IF you are not an addict why have you take this for 18 years. I barked back because My DOCTOR keeps telling me I have to be on this for life. I didn't add you Mother$*$&^#  but I wanted to.. !!

[Guest [Cl...]]

Most humiliating was/is losing my hair during this process. Still makes me sad....but I'll muddle through.

[[Ca...]]

Maybe not the lowest most humiliating thing but the time I told my mother about my troubles with withdrawal symptoms from Xanax...

 

I was sobbing hard and could barely speak so tight my troath was.

I could not control myself.

 

it was a bit embarassing because I am 51 year old man crying like kid to his 83 years old mother...

 

it only happened once and she was understanding.

 

so like I said it was not too bad, just a bit embarassing.

[[Me...]]

Awww Canadian ..thats sad :'(    after I was first off when I tapered last year...  I went into the mens bathroom at Academy...Ewwwww !!!!    I was washing my hands and a man started to walk in and said oops..I said thats ok.... then he opened the door again and pointed at the MEN sign on the door    I was like OMG !! and laughing all the way out...  the man saw me in the store afterwards and said... Its ok. I wont tell !!   

[[Su...]]

Last summer when i was hospitalized after no sleep and wild hallucinations and a seizure...I was reinstated on 2mgs Ativan and 100mgs Seroquel...I was a zombie...my minister came to see me and I started crying and yelling at him that he was a liar and lies to everyone that God cares and that he won't let you be tested beyond what you can bear. He burst into tears... :'(

 

I fortunately was just in a complete state of hysteria and as soon as I had slept a few nights my thinking got straightened out. God does care, he just can't save us from benzo w/d right now...not only does he care but has sustained me every single day in this nightmare...I just had to stop expecting a miracle.

[[Ho...]]

Worst moment was yesterday... losing my boyfriend over all of this.

[Guest [la...]]

Awww, ((HOLLY))...sorry, hon.

 

Let's see...wow, there are so many. My fits of rage and despair have to be the worst. When I got home from rehab, I had NO idea what was happening to me- hadn't found Ashton yet and hadn't found a forum. I would follow my dad around crying hysterically. I was like a duckling. Then I would throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum, screaming and crying "HELP ME!! WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!" Then the rage would come so bad, I scared myself. SCREAMING at the top of my lungs at my father and my poor 82 year old Grandmother. I really hope they still love me when I am well. EEK!!

 

I also called my dad at work multiple times to tell him that "I didn't think I was going to live through this". His response was "what do you mean?" Ughhh....C/T is brutal.

 

Oh GOD, the worst...I got pissed that I wasn't being "supported" enough by my family (another irrational rage tantrum), so I decided I was going to drive myself five hours to my condo and do it alone. I was SO freaked out on the road and so agoraphobic, that I couldn't stop to pee. I was driving like a bat out of hell. Got to my condo, all alone, FREAKED OUT, worst panic attack of my life, and peed my pants in the living room. Called my dad in a panic, screaming, "why did I come here? I am going to die here. OMG, help me! Come get me!" It took me 3 hours the next day to get up the courage to drive the 5 hours back home, defeated.

 

There are SO many more stories...some, I'm sure, will be funny to laugh at later, but I'm certainly not laughing now.

 

RIDICULOUS- and this drug is LEGAL?!

 

Love and healing to all of you, Nicole

[[Ju...]]

2 moments:

 

1) When I had to tell my boss.  I'm an executive assistant for a VP, and really have to be on top of things. I had to let her know why I wasn't at the top of my game. Though she still shows support, I still secretly fear for my job.  I'm in constant communication with her about how things are going, and hate her "advice" (she's a know it all type) but have to sit there and pretend I'm listening to her.

 

2) Started seeing someone new just before this process started, and having to admit it to him.  Been with him 2 months, and I have had some severe memory loss, so those beginning moments where he told me about himself are mostly gone.  I ask questions know and always have to begin with, "I think you told me this, but..."  I'm sure it's frustrating for him but he's still there.

 

 

[[mi...]]

My lowest point was when I got home from detox. I was taken from 7.5mg-8mg Ativan down to 1.5mg to finish tapering while staying on Tegretol. I was so sick from the Tegretol, I had not slept in over 24 hours and was in severe withdrawal. My mother in law came over to take care of me for a whilee that day. We called my doctor so I could tell her that detox is not working and I need to go back on the Ativan to do a much slower taper. She said no and that I am a typical addict just wanting to go back on the junk rather than go through the withdrawal and get off it. She told me if I want to stay on it to find someone else to prescribe it. I was in distress. Later my 22 year old daughter came over to take over caring for me. She told me "mom, get up and look in the mirror at yourself." Then she said dump that stupid quack and get back on your pills and quit letting her put you through this." I felt at my lowest but I took her advice and glad I did. I have to drive 60 miles out of town to my new doctor but worth it

[[te...]]

So sorry for everyone's pain! So far , my worst moments were: getting into super panic mode during a class I was teaching. THEN, I fainted. The ambulance was called and I was taken out by EMT's....Going to the E.R. at least a dozen times this year....very HBP, heart pain, tremors...only to be told (after being stuck, jabbed, and tested--I have thin, deep, rolling veins :'(...that n-o-t-h-i-n-g was wrong--all tests were normal. AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!....and--I have not even tapered completely off the Klonopin yet

[[Ni...]]

My lowest moment (I don't want to call it humiliating... it is what it is), was when I went through a 5 day taper off of Xanax and wine (actually this is considered a cold turkey).

 

It happened in front of my mother, step-father, brother, son and niece. I was 5 days out and at my mom's because I was trying to come off of Xanax and my brother happened to be in town visiting. I had the worst nightmare in my life and ran into my mother's room crying (and I've been an adult for a while now). This woke everyone up and we all sat in the kitchen, with everyone not knowing what to do. None of us knew what was happening and it is painful to remember, especially that my son and niece were there.

 

I have since talked about it with my mom, son and niece and now they understand what was happening. At the time they probably thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I choose to look at it positively now, that talking openly about the withdrawal will help my family to not ever take a benzodiazepine.

 

Plus besides it being the lowest moment it was the scariest too.

[[Pe...]]

I think mine was the on the plane ride home from Detox.  I hadn't slept or showered in 7 days, couldn't walk and kept falling when I tried (had to be put in a wheel chair), and was babbling nonsense.  I am surprised they let me on the plane.

[[Be...]]

You are a total badass Pers.

 

Mine was when I got a C in a class this last winter term. I am a straight A student, so the experience was devastating. The arrogant instructor also had the audacity to tell me I was talented, but that I "made choices..." (he let his voice trail off for dramatic effect). I was in bed 15 hours a day, sleeping about 3hrs a night on average, and chugging coffee in vain attempt to keep plugging away on homework. It was so messed up.

 

O and everyday is still pretty low- can't get much done, can't think clearly, look like hell, etc, etc, etc. This is a toss up for a bunch of different horrid moments;)

 

(Annnnd I lost my wonderful girlfriend, job, 40lbs of muscle, esteem and respect from friends and family, band, and sanity more or less. Did I miss something?)

[[An...]]

Two spring to mind - me I the middle if a horrendous panic attack from the Xanax and screaming and throwing myself around the room and my son having to calm me down and make up my bed with clean sheets.  I felt like I was the child and I was so sorry to put him through that terrifying and humiliating experience.

 

The second was being stopped by security at the airport at the end of my 12 day fast taper from valium on my way back from UK to Spain where I live.  My pupils dilated, I couldn't walk straight, I was in a very bad way.  They got the sniffer-dogs to sniff my luggage but after questioning eventually let me get on the flight.  I spent most of the flight in the toilet vomiting and don't know how I made it back.

[[sa...]]

One of the worst, lowest and humiliating moments...

 

My ex-husband had it with with me and had found an apartment and was leaving within the next few days.  I started freaking out - a bottle of rum in one hand and in the other hand a bottle of Xanax.  I kept swigging and swallowing so my ex called the police.

 

Instead of cooperating (which I promised the police I would do) I kept grabbing a the bottle of rum so they put me in hand cuffs, took me out the front door kicking and screaming and into an ambulance for all the neighbors to see.

 

Sara

[[Bu...]]

((Ben Zolo and all on this thread))

 

Yup losing myself. My Identity. My Life. My Friends. Making my loved ones super frustrated and stressed out. Totally changing and damaging my intimate relationship possibly beyond repair....but worst moment(s).

 

When I tried to leave the planet, had had enough.

First time was when I was first put on Ativan for a year open persc and Doc decided to stop persc cold. I was taking approx 1 mg every 4 hrs...so 16 hrs? 4x4....4mg a day...cut off suddenly..sent me into complete physical and emotional withdrawl...severe panic and pain so bad I tried to end the pain but my guy was home so i must have wanted to be saved and he stopped me. I then packed a bag and checked myself into a rehab lock down. I was so humiliated feeling I lost all self esteem and thinking "what must all think of my failure now". Then on Neurotin: well lets just say I was that drugs dog and it was my master telling me lie upon lie and making me fantasize and do things that were dangerous to myself....you can fill in the picture. I am lucky i lived through it.

 

Now I don't care what people think of me and my Butterball nickname. I care what I think of me! My number one priority! I am learning to love me and getting better at it each day. Stumbling but kissing my own boo boo's.

 

I wake up and say...Wow one more day...Cool...instead of "Oh No!".

 

ButterflyEffect

[[st...]]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

 

Butterfly - wow it seems now you are in a very good place, and I wish you continued healing. It must have felt like 'the end of the world' to you when you wanted to end it all - life is so  fragile....

 

[[Bu...]]

Thanks Struggle10 and nice to meet you. I am in good place now..so to speak on w/d. Mostly know my destiny is as a survivor no matter what I want. I have never been a quitter and now I realize its just not in me to quit. People have called it stubborn, pig headed, perfectionist, controlling....I call it POWER to SURVIVE! Eat my dust world...right Struggle! LOL

 

ButterflyEffect

[[sa...]]

So many lows to remember....

 

The time I was taking up to 8 mgs. of Ativan a day.  My sister, up to visit my Mom who was very sick and only had weeks to live (we didn't know it at the time).  My sister was a heavy drug addict for years and while me and my husband tried to listen very intently on how my mother should use her nebulizer and oxygen my sister was stoned out of her mind on Methadone, Vicodin, Dilauded, benzos and kept passing out - sometimes in the middle of eathing with food coming out of her mouth an down her chest.  My Dad was doing his best to learn too, but he was old too and getting a it confused.  I said "screw it"  - why not get high like sis - I'm sick of trying to take care of my parents all by myself.

 

I mixed methadone and Ativan - one of the most deadly combinations (any benzo with methadone).  Must have passed out on my couch around 1:00 AM - a 1/2 lit cigarette in my lap (so I was told).  Hubby called in the morning - I didn't answer.  He came home and found me blue.  The paramedics said I had 20 more minutes to live - pulse 24, body temp about 94.  I was in the hospital 10 days - got aspiration pneumonia - basically brought back from the dead, twice.  Then they sent me to the psych ward where a former, very disturbed patient of mine was locked up with me.  The hospital wouldn't transfer either me or her.  HUMILIATION!

 

It was also my birthday while I was there - my poor elderly parents visited me, trying to put on a brave face though I was breaking their hearts. 

 

I'll just feel great about myself for that one until the day I die - I will never forgive myself for it.

[[te...]]

Ohhhhhh, Saraann :'( So sorry for your pain.