I think I was gonna heal but now

[[Ac...]]

Trigger warning. Gloomy negative post ahead

 

 

Iv had a few short windows and I used to always be trending towards getting better but now I’m so much sicker and feel like my body is gonna shutdown and things are deteriorating, these symptoms are different, things have developed in a way that is very regrettable to me and feel so dug in and they don’t want to let go,I just want to go back to how I was 7 months ago.

 

When I think back to original acute I was in so much better shape then I am now Iv healed in reverse.  I would have been someone who would have really benefitted from keeping a journal to track my recovery I guess but I looked up “getting worse” and “new symptoms popping up” and people said it could happen so I chalked it up to just part of the process, and my setbacks I thought were just waves even though I kept ending up in the hospital I really don’t know how many times Iv been in the hospital but I might be around 20.

I knew things could be exacerbated and you could have flare ups but I really had no idea that you could make your self this sick without even taking anymore drugs until now.

 

I was on the drugs for such a short amount of time that i feel like they are so unfamiliar to me, as in someone who was on them long term wouldn’t be as scared of them as me and prollly would have broke a long time ago and reinstated which prolly would have been preferable to the repeated acute kindling episodes Iv had.

 

I feel like I had one chance to get this right and I unknowingly seriously blew it.

 

I’m just so sad because I started as someone who prolly had a good chance at getting out of hear if I played my cards right but i made a real mess of it and now my insides feel like there turning to jello.

 

Idk what I’m trying to get out of this post I’m just venting and so sad for all of us I would do anything to take away all this pain from all of you, so much pointless loss. I would have rather had literally anything els bad happen to me, but this, this is unknowable horror. Iv been crying a lot lately because the reality is closing in on me and I’m really trying to come to terms with my mortality. I think about everything I will miss out on if I’m not hear but I can’t enjoy it while I’m hear anyway becouse Im in hell. At a time like this I really wish I could have grown up with god in my life. I want to hand my self over to god and he will show me there is nothing to be afraid of. I don’t want to be apart of this any more. I don’t want to think about benzos, I don’t want to hear about benzos, I don’t want to know any of this exists. I just want to live in a cabin in the woods away from all the chemicals and in nature were I belong

 

 

 

 

[[Wt...]]

I feel your pain brother!  I am in the same boat. I've been dealing with the most awful symptoms since August. It started with my stressing about money and heart concerns. I was feeling dizzy all of the time and had been stressing about things constantly. All of the sudden I kept waking up in a jolt of adrenaline heart racing every time I feel asleep. Then after a week of that I couldn't fall asleep at all, then the drs started prescribing different meds. I cannot sleep without a pill and it's almost 6 months later. I have no idea what to do anymore. I am planning on getting myself off of Ambien, but I feel like this is going to kill me before I get a chance. I am a mess. It's never too late to put your life in the Lord's hands. He loves you. Confess your sins to him and repent. Jesus died on the cross for us to pay for our sins. I have gotten to this lonely place in my life because I tried to do things alone without the Lord in life and am miserable as a result. The only peace I have during the day is when my thoughts are with the Lord and what he promises us. I pray that he hears me and I'm sure he does. None of us can do anything with out the Lord and his son Jesus. I'll pray for you that all of your pain and suffering goes away. This life on earth is temporary. I believe some of us will sufferer more because of the path we have taken , but the Lord knows all of us and it is never too late to find salvation and have a relationship with God like he intended for us. I know it seems impossible at times but we can do this. God Bless you my friend.

[[Be...]]

AU, you can join the Faith Forum if you want to talk to others about God and to get prayer. 

[[mo...]]

So many people in this forum suffering while they do the hard work to get off of the benzos. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The heal can be long for many people, so I've heard. I am starting my taper in the new year despite feeling like crap right now. I just need to get through the holidays with sanity in tact. Even before my taper, every day has been a struggle of symptoms. Its insane to think we have to get through daily life, hiding our pain for the sake of others. Don't underestimate what these meds can do. You've come this far. Don't let all that work go to waste.

[[Ki...]]

Its crazy, just like you I was on benzo for just 2 weeks . I kindled myself by taking 3 doses of Gabapentin. Im into 26 month of wd . Time will heal us all