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Parenting in Recovery


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Hi everyone! I wanted to start this bc parenting brings a whole other set of challenges to this already challenging journey. Thought I'd make a space where we can discuss our fears concerns, as well as tips and tricks to getting our families through this as best as possible.open to Moms and/or Dads (parenting grandparents, etc...), single or coupled.

 

I'll start...I'm parenting with my husband. My kids are 14 and 17. "Fake it till you make it" seems to be the name of the game most of the time, but let's be honest - they know us. they know when things are off. It's a fine line between them being aware that we are needing support and time to heal, but also wanting them to feel safe and secure and have some kind of  "normal" life.

 

Hats off to those of you single parenting or those with little ones..that is definitely harder.  :smitten:

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Great idea Trina.  My son is 11 years old and at this point, not going back to school to start 7th grade this Fall.  Every noise drives me nuts.  I love him to death, but I can't think inside my head or read anything if he is talking or making any sort of noise.
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Thanks For starting this.  this is probably my biggest guilt.  My kids are constantly asking me if I'm ok or feeling better.  I had to get off my normal facebook because I see all of these moms doing amazing things with their kids.  I am definately 'faking it until I make it' I watch movies which are overstimulating and I listen to them even though I feel overwhelmed.  Covid makes it harder because normally, I could just take them somewhere...like the museum or fun place while i sit and watch. I feel like I need to keep them entertained in the house.  I do give them hugs and kisses way more than I used to. and when I'm feeling better, I just lay with my kids and tell them how much I love them.    I had an idea of writing them notes each day.  I want to put it in their rooms each morning.  Interaction is still overstimulating for me.  But writing notes is something i could definately do.
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Tallgolfer, that is such a great idea- writing notes!  I yell at my kid so much more than I care to really think about.  I am working on it, and usually it is about noise level.  I recently decided I must move my desk and computer into my tiny bedroom, now that my son will be home all day and every day, for the foreseeable future.  We currently have our desks all together in a common area, and his constant talking and noisemaking drives me nuts. 

 

I haven't moved anything though, as getting motivated and doing anything lately, seems just so hard, even when I am not actually in pain or feeling ill. 

 

Also, just a correction, I said he wasn't going to school in the Fall, but he is going to school remotely, which is school, I guess, technically.  :-\

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Wonderful idea for a thread, Trina. My children are 12, 10, 8, and 4. I’ve been faking it until I make it all through taper, and of course, still now in the first weeks off of Lorazepam. My hope is that this will all be filed in their minds under “2020...coronavirus and quarantine sure made everything weird” and not “our mom sucks.”

 

We can’t go anywhere, our school is online for the foreseeable future, youth sports are canceled, and my husband is back to traveling for work as of this week. We parent these kiddos together, and he’s been a rock through the entire benzo experience...for me and for them. I’m anxious about how I’ll do by myself when he’s out of town, but I also know having things to do helps me distract from symptoms.  My older two are extremely independent (both boys), but my younger two (both girls) need a lot from me.

 

Thankful for the support here.

 

Beauty

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I was so happy to see this thread.... this has been my biggest struggle so far... the guilt of being less available to my children. I struggle with forgiving myself for taking these pills in the first place. My boys, 14 and 11 are sweet and independent, and our small group of neighbourhood friends have been great about including them in outings on days that I am really paralyzed.

 

My husband has also put his work travel on hold for this past month, and I dread the idea of him being gone.  Here in Canada, kids are set to go back to school on September 10th, but I have decided to keep mine home. My youngest has asthma, so I can't take the chance. I am worried about the energy it will take, and also, I am not sure how to proceed with work (currently on a sick leave).

 

Beauty, I echo your sentiments that I hope their memories aren't distinct about this time... my best friend assures me that her mom went through something similar when she was a teen, and she has barely a memory of it... fingers crossed!

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Hi Guys.. :)

 

I was a full time (no respite) single dad to C18 through this, -he was about 11 when I got out of hospital.. A few yrs later L21 joined us for a while, which did NOT help things...

 

Somewhere in there I threw my hands up in the air, and I guess its working out ok...

There were some big losses in there for sure, but I could blame society as much as the meds, eg education dept, child support services, etc..

 

At 11 he was doing all his washing, cooking, helping shop, and getting himself up and off to school.. Turns out he was far more mature than the school staff/system... All they taught was power corrupts...  Yup, im pretty dirty about it still.. :(

 

I was so glad when he got his licence and could go to work..!!

 

I think I could say that for every loss there is a gain, but it might take a while to see...

The short story.. lol

-Im the one you DONT ask for parenting advice.. :(

 

Nice to read im not on my own..

:)

 

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thanks guys - this is great to see you all on here - not that you're struggling - but able to share and support.

 

All of this would be so much more manageable if we weren't all about to become homeschool teachers! lol.

 

Greencup: def relate to the overstimulation..I think you'll notice a big diff with separating the electronics. We did that and its a game changer. Also a good set of headphones so I don't hear their online computer stuff. worth the money if its in your budget - esp with the upcoming school year.

 

Tallgolfer: I like the notes idea!! Something interesting about FB - don't fall into the comparison trap  I've done that too (still do...). But I'm quickly noticing that many of the people who are posting all their awesome pics are actually trying to present a perfect life actually have a lot of struggles too. Like I just learned a friend of mine who posts the perfect life all the time actually has a marriage on the rocks...so ..things are not always what they seem.

 

Beauty: My husband doesn't travel but he does work 12 hr shifts so when he's on along stretch of them I feel so much is left to me..somehow you just get through..day by day. But when he's off he's my rock too. And yes..we can just say 2020 was weird bc of covid - not us:)

 

Marwegs: So nice that neighborhood friends have jumped in! What lifesaver. I to am struggling with going back to work and how. I don't really feel ready but am looking at part time (literally gave up my former job) as I know i will need to be at home to help navigate the kids. Our school has a hybrid option (for now) which we are doing. But one of my teens has a hard time with online instruction - just kind of needs that "in person" environment.

FYI...my husband and I are both born and raised Canadian..move to US 15 years ago for his career..we are now Americans. We live so close to the border yet have not been able to cross and see family in many months:(

 

Cantfly: Kids are so resilient aren't they? I like what you shared about yours..we get so much guilt in all this yet the kids somehow seem to thrive.

BTW - you always seem to bring a great sense of humor to a lot of your posts - thank you for that! Def need that to cope with all this!

 

So to all I'm not gonna lie - a wave hit two days ago and I'm in a crappy place right now - your posts blessed me today and made me feel less alone. Thank you:)

 

 

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Thank you Trina for starting this group. My son starts kindergarten tomorrow (distance learning). I’m a stay at home parent, but this is such uncharted territory for me and in combination with tapering has me feeling a lot of things. Mostly right now I am super emotional that my baby is a kindergartner now. 😢
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Thanks Trina, -Everyone.. :)

 

Hope its not a big wave and you bounce back real soon.. -Then you can tell me your secret method..

:)

 

 

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Marwegs: So nice that neighborhood friends have jumped in! What lifesaver. I to am struggling with going back to work and how. I don't really feel ready but am looking at part time (literally gave up my former job) as I know i will need to be at home to help navigate the kids. Our school has a hybrid option (for now) which we are doing. But one of my teens has a hard time with online instruction - just kind of needs that "in person" environment.

FYI...my husband and I are both born and raised Canadian..move to US 15 years ago for his career..we are now Americans. We live so close to the border yet have not been able to cross and see family in many months:(

 

 

Work is on my mind too... I am on a sick leave and will likely renew it. I’m in no shape to be leading a team right now!

I live a hop-skip away from the Washington state border... missing our camping trips up there and our ball game getaways in Seattle. It’s so hard for families with this border closure. I’m not sure which border crossing you live close to, but here, there is a park where people have been meeting from either sides of the border... I have friends that were finally able to see their parents. Very hard time....

Hope your wave passes swiftly!

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Hey all how's it going? Those of you in the south already have kids in school and those in the north are getting ready.

 

challenges? Tips and tricks?

 

I realized something the other day...I must be presenting better to my kids (more stable/healthy?) bc they are starting to discuss last year a little bit here and there (I was a train wreck...). When people/kids feel safe again they feel they can open up about things and process it. Its just a statement, or a brief comment, nothing attacking or anything like that. Just matter of fact kind of stuff.

 

For example,..." Ya we somehow managed to do the laundry and dishes when you were gone last year (in hospital)."

or, " I made the best play in the game let year when you were away".(baseball)

 

To which I try not to cry (mom guilt), i answered, " Wow its great you guys found a way to make it work... sorry I know that was rough."...and

" Sorry I didn't get to see that game buddy - looking forward to seeing more plays like that".

 

Def using the therapist lingo there, but I had to find a way to acknowledge what they needed to express without me becoming a sobbing mess of guilt.

It so stupid how this makes us feel guilty like as if we had any choice in this!! If it was some other medical condition we prob wouldn't be beating ourselves up as bad.

 

Just my thoughts for today...hope you're all having a "window" day  :thumbsup:

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My son started kindergarten via distance learning on Monday. It’s a headache. I’m also in a wave so that’s just icing on the cake. My son is so resistant to doing any of his “homework” and I have the hardest time getting him to stay sitting in front of the computer. On top of that his dad will be out of town all next week for work. Ugh.
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Kits..

Sounds like you have your hands full! Little kids want to be kinetic and moving around - engaging with others..I can see why he doesn't want to be on the computer. Theres def going to be an adjustment period.

Like last night I kindly notified my teens that staying up till midnight is about to change next week and that were going to be getting up earlier  - so there goes my quiet mornings  :(

My 14 year old is pushing back bc I said he'd have limited game time on the computer since half their schooling is online this year (making sure he doesn't live on technology). There was an 'exchange of words" last night. ::)

 

And in the midst of all this we are managing our symptoms....

 

So we all take a deep cleansing breath..ahhhhh.....this too will pass:)

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How are we doing parents/caregivers?

Ppl with kids back in school already how's it going?

 

Mine go back on the 10th of Sept. Trying to start the transition back to a normal sleep schedule and designating parts of the home for studying and online video conferencing for the days they are at home.

Warning: teens love to get chatty closer to midnight when you are super tired. this is also when they like to test boundaries.  :wacko:

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Hey Trina, Everyone.. :)

 

We are surviving here, -depends on the day..

He sure has the ignoring me down pat when he doesnt like something.. Then surprises me when im not expecting it..!! Lol

 

Good luck to everyone home schooling..!! -I know that one from living so remote some yrs ago..

I imagine its quite different with the internet available now...

 

:)

 

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My four kiddos are all homeschooling, and it’s going pretty well so far. We were able to hire a tutor to help after two weeks of me doing it, and she’s been such a godsend. At first, I thought I’d be fine to handle it myself, but I’m so glad now that we went ahead and brought her on. She’s bonding beautifully with all of the kids, and I feel much better with her here. I didn’t realize the stress I was under trying to juggle everything. ADDED BONUS, she’s a delightfully pleasant, easy person for me to have on good and not-so-good days in wd. She brought great comfort and companionship to me in my first real wave earlier this week. I’m so thankful, as that could have easily gone the other way.

 

I’m in the early days of being off of lorazepam, so I have some anxiety and fear of the unknown about what’s to come. I try every day to just soak up good moments and not get hung up on the hard ones.

 

Speaking of good moments, I enjoyed an especially precious one with my 4 year old a few days ago. She asked me to rock her and stroke her hair. While I was doing that, I sang to her a song I used to sing when she was tiny. Out of the blue, she started to cry. I asked her what was the matter and she told me she just “misses being my baby.”  :'( Then, I got to tell her all about how she will always be my baby, and I’ll be singing to her from now until forever.

 

Y’all, the last several months have just been so hard on me and my little family. I know you all understand. I did everything I could to stay engaged, but benzos have largely kept me out of the game. It’s been a balm to my heart to experience little tastes of normal...to be the mom I was before sometimes...to hold my littlest and not feel distracted or anxious or like I needed to retreat to my room. How grateful I am for these tiny glimpses!

 

May healing come to us all soon. ❤️

 

Beauty

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Cantfly: I hat when the do the ignoring their - its so passive -aggressive. I think I'd almost rather have an intense exchange of words!!

 

Beauty: IAM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! Glad that you have help with the schooling, and that precious moment with your 4 yr old - melt my heart!

Hang on to the glimpses of normal!!

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Cantfly: I hat when the do the ignoring their - its so passive -aggressive. I think I'd almost rather have an intense exchange of words!!

 

Beauty: IAM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! Glad that you have help with the schooling, and that precious moment with your 4 yr old - melt my heart!

Hang on to the glimpses of normal!!

Agh, it just means I get MY words in without contest.. lol :(

-ineffective that they are... I guess he will be grown up once this phase is over..??!!

:)

 

Beauty.. -Thanks..

You bring back long lost memories...

You sound like your doing a great job of making the best of it despite all the challenges you no doubt have going on..

:)

 

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Hi everyone, what a time to be parenting... and I’ve struggled with so much guilt during this taper. I have grieved the mom I was before all of this, and pray to be able to be as present as I once was. I was having a great window that allowed for a little getaway, and the kids were overjoyed that I felt like ‘mom’ again, able to swim and hang out with joy instead of this new worried presence.

 

I’m planning to homeschool, but waiting to hear about whether the district will allow for distanced learning to provide curriculum, or if I’m on my own. My 14 year is quite anxious about going back so I I’ve promised him I will keep him home no matter what. My younger son is far more social and confident, but has asthma, making me really want to keep him at home. I’ve been in a wave for a few days, making it harder to think clearly and not out of fear.

 

Trina, my 14 year old certainly tests me as well... the gaming is a sore spot in our house but it’s hard because talking to other parents, they are all struggling with the same with their boys. The good news is that the online gaming is highly social and he is still very connected. As long as he still gets out of the house each day, I’m laying off the nagging. I’m desperate for the peace and he knows this will all change in a couple of weeks.

 

Love reading all of your stories... take care

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Marwegs: goodness the gaming!! I could throw the computer/game system out the window some days. i put limitations on it but get so much heat for it!!

 

Its hard bc so many normal activities for their age are unavailable right now. He did get to do a bit of baseball this summer, but the gaming is a form of socialization and something to do. He was also able to earn bit of money with odd jobs this season as well. I'll be glad for the structure of school again!

 

Cantfly: " get my words in without contest" - lol!!! Awesome  :thumbsup:

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Newish member. Mom of 3 boys, 8,6, and 2. Glad to see a support group with parents that understand the difficulties of going through all of this.
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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going to keep it real...today was my 2 teens first day of attendance back to school under a hybrid plan ( 2 days at school/3 days home).

I completely broke down last night and did not get to sleep till around 3 am. The whole evening I was being their " rock", helping get them organized, having positive discussions on adapting and managing the changes. ...but internally I was not adapting well.

 

Up early to drop them off, the whole ride there they were "coping with humor" but then as we got close fully admitted they were nervous.and thats ok.

Everything was very well organized at the school - but it was just so weird. So different. As I drove down the street I started to break down again.

I'm okayish now, and I know that when the "dust settles" it will be better. But what an adjustment. I'm sure that where I'm at in my own recovery process plays into this.

 

Any other parents in this stage of adjustment feeling the uncertainty that want to jump in?

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I couldn’t bring myself to jump in, because my health has been so crazy the last few months. Between the UTI, antibiotic reaction, oral thrush, severe reflux, random fevers, and breathing issues (all of it wd related, but it’s the thrush and reflux causing inflammation - visible by laryngoscopy - in my throat giving my sensitive nerves a feeling of breathlessness), I was too scared to put four kids back into it all. The middle schoolers do a better job distancing, but I have three in elementary/pre-K.

 

So, right now, my grieving is over an entire sense of normal lost. I have four kids who want to be back with their friends so badly, but we kept them home to minimize contacts wherever possible. Sadly, their home doesn’t feel like it should either. We have a tutor helping manage all of the homeschool with me, and she’s been a huge blessing. It’s still so hard not to compare myself today to the way over-functioning me of yesteryear.

 

I know it’s important to allow ourselves to feel the feels and to remember that the whole world is learning how to do life in a new way. I guess we all need to practice kindness towards ourselves as we figure out which way is up again. Hang in there, Trina.

 

Me too.

 

Beauty

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Beauty you've def had a rough go physically... :(

 

WE all have to do whats right for us and our families. I'm just so glad you have help. And like you I grieve the loss of my crazy multitasking self...but in reflection I see how over the top I was - but this is def not my version of slowing down!

 

Keep us posted on how you make out with the thrush and stuff.

 

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