I Think I Need To Jump ~ Clonazepam Is Slowly Killing Me

[[Ch...]]

Hey you gave it a go...the drug is obviously still in control.  Just keep keeping on...you’re al,ost there. The end of a taper is usually the touchiest.

Hang in, kiddo.

 

[[Se...]]

Hey you gave it a go...the drug is obviously still in control.  Just keep keeping on...you’re al,ost there. The end of a taper is usually the touchiest.

Hang in, kiddo.

 

 

Thanks @Challis99.  This is my worst day ever!  I don’t know how much more I can take. 

 

Trying to hang tough but it’s hard.

 

SG

💜

[[he...]]

@hearsaybenz

 

I don’t blame you for wanting to taper to the end.  I learned a valuable lesson by stopping too soon.  I just thought I was low enough me sick enough to do it.  This is, without a doubt, the sickest day I’ve had.  Stopping the poison amplified my symptoms.  I’m two doses in today so far and haven’t gotten any better.  Hopefully I’ll settle down enough a bit later so I can get some sleep tonight.

 

How did we get here?  It’s God awful and we shouldn’t have to suffer like this.

 

SG

💜

 

 

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough day today. It is beyond miserable, it's impossible. I ask myself every second of every day how I got here. I can't believe I let this happen to myself. I've always been so careful with drugs and meds... my body got hooked/dependent just by taking .25mg of Xanax as needed for like a month or two. And thinking back, I've figured out that the added anxiety that led me to seeking out a Xanax Rx was most likely due to taking opioids for too long/too frequently after a surgery I had. My body likely became dependent on those and was screaming at me. Meds led to more meds which wrecked my life. It has wrecked my marriage and turned me into a shell of who I once was. Still digging out, though. One day life will be good again, I just know it.

[[Se...]]

@hearsaybenz

 

I don’t blame you for wanting to taper to the end.  I learned a valuable lesson by stopping too soon.  I just thought I was low enough me sick enough to do it.  This is, without a doubt, the sickest day I’ve had.  Stopping the poison amplified my symptoms.  I’m two doses in today so far and haven’t gotten any better.  Hopefully I’ll settle down enough a bit later so I can get some sleep tonight.

 

How did we get here?  It’s God awful and we shouldn’t have to suffer like this.

 

SG

💜

 

 

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough day today. It is beyond miserable, it's impossible. I ask myself every second of every day how I got here. I can't believe I let this happen to myself. I've always been so careful with drugs and meds... my body got hooked/dependent just by taking .25mg of Xanax as needed for like a month or two. And thinking back, I've figured out that the added anxiety that led me to seeking out a Xanax Rx was most likely due to taking opioids for too long/too frequently after a surgery I had. My body likely became dependent on those and was screaming at me. Meds led to more meds which wrecked my life. It has wrecked my marriage and turned me into a shell of who I once was. Still digging out, though. One day life will be good again, I just know it.

 

@hearsaybenz

 

I’m so sorry we’re both suffering.  I’m sorry about how things got so bad in your personal life too.  I’ll be married 39 years on Saturday.  Thank God my husband has been very supportive. I’m not alone so it helps a little.  My best friend visits almost every night...pandemic or not.  I’m happy to see her.  It’s a good distraction for a couple of hours.

 

My newest symptom today is intense chest pressure and some pain in my chest.  The chest pressure is new so I’ve been reading on here it’s a common withdrawal symptom.  I really don’t need another one but misery loves company. I think I’ve had every symptom imaginable and it’s getting worse.

 

I thought the lower my dose got, the symptoms would let up.  Nope...getting worse.  I tapered off 4mg of alprazolam and NEVER felt this bad.  Ever.  I was even able to take short walks.  With this poison?? I can barely stand I’m so dizzy,  head pressure/hissing tinnitus. This stuff is 100% total poison. 

 

I’m so ready just to give up.  I’m weary. I feel the life being sucked out of me now.  Trying to hang on but it’s getting harder.

 

I’ll pray for us to get through this.  It’s all I can offer.

 

SG

💜

 

[[he...]]

@hearsaybenz

 

I’m so sorry we’re both suffering.  I’m sorry about how things got so bad in your personal life too.  I’ll be married 39 years on Saturday.  Thank God my husband has been very supportive. I’m not alone so it helps a little.  My best friend visits almost every night...pandemic or not.  I’m happy to see her.  It’s a good distraction for a couple of hours.

 

My newest symptom today is intense chest pressure and some pain in my chest.  The chest pressure is new so I’ve been reading on here it’s a common withdrawal symptom.  I really don’t need another one but misery loves company. I think I’ve had every symptom imaginable and it’s getting worse.

 

I thought the lower my dose got, the symptoms would let up.  Nope...getting worse.  I tapered off 4mg of alprazolam and NEVER felt this bad.  Ever.  I was even able to take short walks.  With this poison?? I can barely stand I’m so dizzy,  head pressure/hissing tinnitus. This stuff is 100% total poison. 

 

I’m so ready just to give up.  I’m weary. I feel the life being sucked out of me now.  Trying to hang on but it’s getting harder.

 

I’ll pray for us to get through this.  It’s all I can offer.

 

SG

💜

 

Ugh, that's just awful, I'm so sorry that you can't even go on walks. I read on here about people who can't exercise or even walk during this hell and my heart just goes out to you. I'm fortunate in that way that I've been able to exercise this entire time. I jog and bike regularly, and I think that has saved me up until now. I do have to be careful not to overdo, though. I used to run marathons, so my brain still wants to do super big days of exercise, but that can really really backfire. Also during the tail-end of this taper, I have less and less motivation to get out and exercise. I really really hope after I get off of this poison that motivation will come back.

 

Hang in there SG. You are strong, and you can make it through this. We all can.

[[Se...]]

SeptGirl..

 

There was something else that helped me with nausea that I want to mention to you.  Sea Bands...they are for motion sickness and pregnant women use them for morning sickness. I bought mine at Target, but Amazon sells them also. I didn’t think they helped when I had used them in my early years being in tolerance withdrawal...it was easier to just take the Promethazine prescription Dr. prescribed. When I C/T the Klonopin, I was determined to not use medication if at all possible..so I went with natural things.  I tried the Sea Bands again and I truly felt they helped. If you do try them, make  sure you study the instructions carefully as to where the “button” goes on your inside wrist..they have to touch the pressure point between the tendons.  I do hope you can find something to give you some relief. Take care.

 

@Sai

 

I have SeaBands that I bought from Amazon and never found them to be effective.  I’m pretty sure I’ve tried everything known to man for this nausea!  The prescription meds have too many side effects.  It’s just not worth it. 

 

I put them on this morning hoping...maybe they’ll work at some point.  I know I’m wearing them properly with the button on the pressure point.

 

I just wish the nausea would subside.

 

Thanks again for the helpful information.

 

SG

💜

 

[[Ba...]]

September Girl

 

Oh, my goodness! You are NOT a failure! I read your posts all the time because you are a major source of what keeps me me going through all of this. I'm serious. There are times when I am having a really bad day and I think, "yeah, this is bad, but September Girl is probably feeling worse" and so I ask the universe to send you (and others on these boards) whatever you need.

 

AND, BUT, and HOWEVER, I also believe that you were not put on this earth to suffer and be an "inspiration" to me and others, but you are here to live your life and take joy in it. That is mostly what I petition upper management for when I think of you and everyone else on here who is in the trenches. I often think I'm a failure myself, just for being on this med in the first place, so I know exactly how insidious those thoughts can be, and how we all need someone to push back on them when they arise.

 

Sai:

 

After reading on this forum, I began to wonder how long it would be before I ran across someone else who had been given diagnoses for chronic pain, fibro, CFS, etc, yet is now doing better off of the meds. I haven't had it in me to fully grasp that so much of my adult life could be explained through the lens of benzo symptoms and interdose withdrawal. I think I may need therapy for just this question alone, mostly because of how profoundly all of this impacted my children.

 

I did have health problems before benzos and other polydrug confusion, so I don't blame everything on meds, but I have always wondered if they turned those problems into multi-systemic hydras. It could be that someday there will be a branch of therapy that specifically addresses iatrogenic illness. I think it's sorely lacking and desperately needed.

 

I often think of how many CFS patients are put on benzos as part of an informal but widely accepted protocol. They are described as being "neuroprotective." Uh, no.

 

To read that you are doing so much better than you were and you have so many of the same issues that I (and others) have had-- the chest elephant; the constricted throat; spinal, joint, muscle and nerve pain; internal and external burning sensations, mental and perceptual distortions, all of it-- sheds so much light on all of this. It's so helpful to know that I was not uniquely singled out nor mentally unsound. Thank you for taking the time to encourage those of us still in the midst of it as we try to make sense of out the senseless.

 

benzheresay-- I hear you about the effects of opioids after something like surgery and then the additional benzo that gets prescribed because of the jitters from opioid withdrawal, and then maybe gabapentin, lyrica, antidepressants, on and on.

 

I have never had an opportunity to speak with so many wise, intelligent fellow benzo-injured people until now. I can't tell you all how much it means to me.

 

-Liz

[[Se...]]

September Girl

 

Oh, my goodness! You are NOT a failure! I read your posts all the time because you are a major source of what keeps me me going through all of this. I'm serious. There are times when I am having a really bad day and I think, "yeah, this is bad, but September Girl is probably feeling worse" and so I ask the universe to send you (and others on these boards) whatever you need.

 

AND, BUT, and HOWEVER, I also believe that you were not put on this earth to suffer and be an "inspiration" to me and others, but you are here to live your life and take joy in it. That is mostly what I petition upper management for when I think of you and everyone else on here who is in the trenches. I often think I'm a failure myself, just for being on this med in the first place, so I know exactly how insidious those thoughts can be, and how we all need someone to push back on them when they arise.

 

Sai:

 

After reading on this forum, I began to wonder how long it would be before I ran across someone else who had been given diagnoses for chronic pain, fibro, CFS, etc, yet is now doing better off of the meds. I haven't had it in me to fully grasp that so much of my adult life could be explained through the lens of benzo symptoms and interdose withdrawal. I think I may need therapy for just this question alone, mostly because of how profoundly all of this impacted my children.

 

I did have health problems before benzos and other polydrug confusion, so I don't blame everything on meds, but I have always wondered if they turned those problems into multi-systemic hydras. It could be that someday there will be a branch of therapy that specifically addresses iatrogenic illness. I think it's sorely lacking and desperately needed.

 

I often think of how many CFS patients are put on benzos as part of an informal but widely accepted protocol. They are described as being "neuroprotective." Uh, no.

 

To read that you are doing so much better than you were and you have so many of the same issues that I (and others) have had-- the chest elephant; the constricted throat; spinal, joint, muscle and nerve pain; internal and external burning sensations, mental and perceptual distortions, all of it-- sheds so much light on all of this. It's so helpful to know that I was not uniquely singled out nor mentally unsound. Thank you for taking the time to encourage those of us still in the midst of it as we try to make sense of out the senseless.

 

benzheresay-- I hear you about the effects of opioids after something like surgery and then the additional benzo that gets prescribed because of the jitters from opioid withdrawal, and then maybe gabapentin, lyrica, antidepressants, on and on.

 

I have never had an opportunity to speak with so many wise, intelligent fellow benzo-injured people until now. I can't tell you all how much it means to me.

 

-Liz

 

@BaronessBlixen

 

Thanks Liz but I’m a loser and failure. I told my husband this morning I’d be better off dead.  He would be better off too. He says I’m getting better and I’m almost off the drugs.  I can’t take another day of suffering. Nausea is beyond bearable.  Dizziness, chest pain, paresthesia and sleep deprived.  It’s a recipe for disaster.  My disaster.  I am hopeless. I don’t see any improvement.  I feel like I’m getting worse.  Sicker.  No joy.  No future.

 

My husband is retired now.  Our 39th wedding anniversary is this Saturday.  There’s nothing more I wanted to do than enjoy my life with him.  Travel.  Sleep in.  Dinners. Watch TV.  Simple things.  He’s very supportive but I know this is weighing him down.  My two sons are grown, living on their own and doing well. I haven’t been a good mother to them the past two years.  I think they understand but to me it’s unforgivable.

 

I’m sorry to be posting such a negative comment, but it’s the truth.  My truth.  A nightmare.

 

Thank you for the encouragement...always.

 

SG

💜

[[He...]]

Hi September

 

Ok.  First -  you’re not a failure.  That’s the withdrawal talking.  You can’t buy into that.  It’s like a bogeyman saying mean things.  It’s not helpful.  Blow that thought up and send it back to powers that be to deal with.  You definitely wouldn’t want your loved ones believing that about themselves as they struggled through a crisis.

 

Second- you’re almost there.  Your husband is right.  Yes, more tapering.  Yes, you feel sick sick sick.  I wish you didn’t have to go through this.  But, you’re almost there.  On the other side, you will be so proud and humbled by your resilience.  Your journey includes recovery.  Many have gone before you, they suffered, they healed.  So will you.

 

Reduce tiny amounts.  .1 is a high jump dose.  Some have done it, but many would struggle with that. 

 

Have you spoken with any naturopath about supports?  I know you say you’ve done everything known to man, but there are many things we don’t know.  Get more help.  A well established benzo wise naturopath will have ideas. 

 

Happy anniversary.  How awesome and lucky to have a loving supportive husband.  So many are alone.  I’m happy for you that you’re not.

 

Your kids are adults.  You don’t have to be a good mom right now.  Just be a human.  The role you play to adult children is just living your life.  They can witness how to face great adversity and learn from their mom that it’s human to struggle, to need help.  This is a valuable lesson for adult children.  They love you. 

 

You’re healing.  You’re getting there. 

[[de...]]

So much of what you're saying I can relate to. My wedding anniversary is also this weekend. And I often tell my wife it's ok if she wants to move on, that I'm holding her back, etc.

 

I won't detail my many increased symptoms here now because this is your thread, but let's just say there is similarity in how you and I are feeling regarding our respective marriages. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

[[Se...]]

So much of what you're saying I can relate to. My wedding anniversary is also this weekend. And I often tell my wife it's ok if she wants to move on, that I'm holding her back, etc.

 

I won't detail my many increased symptoms here now because this is your thread, but let's just say there is similarity in how you and I are feeling regarding our respective marriages. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

 

@delsol

 

Thank you for your message.  A lot of times I get so wrapped up in my own illness, I forget how terrible it is for my family members...especially my husband.  He’s such a good soul and deserves so much better than me. 

 

Happy Anniversary to you.  I’m sure you wife loves you dearly and is in your marriage “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”.  I know exactly how you feel though.  It’s so difficult feeling as we are and spread our suffering to our spouse. It isn’t fair and yet it’s exactly what’s happening.  It’s sad.

 

My husband is always so positive and reassuring.  Most days it keeps me from my dark and twisted thoughts.  Then there are the other days where I really wish I was dead.  Is that the drugs talking?? I’m not so sure.

 

I’m sorry we are all suffering. I hope you’re well soon.

 

SG

💜

[[sh...]]

SeptGirl,

You are not a failure and not a looser and you should know better that you are more than what benzodiazepine did to you. You had a life and you have a life and it will get better. The suffering and pain you have been going through understandably made you feel sad and weak. But now it is time for the new beginning as you finally jump from your last dose. Your recovery might be slow or might speed up as your body finally has the chance to fight back against the central nervous system suppressant it was exposed for so long. Our body is able to recover, you will recover. Please read about What's happening inside your brain it may give you energy, hope and understanding to fight all the way to recovery. Wishing you all the best!

[[Ba...]]

SG

 

I understand where you're at in some respects. It seems like several of us have anniversaries coming up. Along with birthdays and holidays, those are really rough times because you sort of take stock and also compare where you are with the previous holiday. When a problem stretches over more than one of these celebration dates it can really feel like our nose is being rubbed in it.

 

Regarding your family:

I've been sick and in pain since my youngest was three. She's now 23 and fully launched. When she was a teen, by some horrible coincidence one year, five kids in her high school lost a parent due to different reasons. She said that this is when she realized that having a mom who is sick is much better than not having a mom at all. Being present is a huge thing for our kids' stability, even we're operating far below our standards. Knowing that may not take away your physical symptoms, but it may help to alleviate some of the inevitable feelings of guilt and shame.

 

I know that you have had every test known and nausea treatment known (and unknown too!) to man. But I can't help but ask if you've been checked for h. pylori and also pernicious anemia/ autoimmune atrophic gastritis? I don't know if or how Hashimoto is related to those?

 

I have a close friend who went through months of stomach pain and nausea, had her gall bladder removed and still suffered. I think enzyme therapy was the treatment for her that finally started to work.

 

 

[[Se...]]

SeptGirl,

You are not a failure and not a looser and you should know better that you are more than what benzodiazepine did to you. You had a life and you have a life and it will get better. The suffering and pain you have been going through understandably made you feel sad and weak. But now it is time for the new beginning as you finally jump from your last dose. Your recovery might be slow or might speed up as your body finally has the chance to fight back against the central nervous system suppressant it was exposed for so long. Our body is able to recover, you will recover. Please read about What's happening inside your brain it may give you energy, hope and understanding to fight all the way to recovery. Wishing you all the best!

 

@sherpa

 

Thank you for this.  I’ve read it before, but just gave it another read.  It’s so difficult on never ending terrible days to see the light at the end if this dark tunnel.  Praying I’ll get to where Parker and so many others have gotten.

 

The last bit of benzo is definitely the most brutal.  I’m hoping I get free from this poison in the not too distant future.

 

Thank you again.

 

SG

 

[[Sc...]]

Sending good vibes 

[[He...]]

Yes, it is the benzo withdrawal talking.  What else could it be?  Please keep one foot in the present with your sights on a healthy outcome. 

[[Se...]]

SG

 

I understand where you're at in some respects. It seems like several of us have anniversaries coming up. Along with birthdays and holidays, those are really rough times because you sort of take stock and also compare where you are with the previous holiday. When a problem stretches over more than one of these celebration dates it can really feel like our nose is being rubbed in it.

 

Regarding your family:

I've been sick and in pain since my youngest was three. She's now 23 and fully launched. When she was a teen, by some horrible coincidence one year, five kids in her high school lost a parent due to different reasons. She said that this is when she realized that having a mom who is sick is much better than not having a mom at all. Being present is a huge thing for our kids' stability, even we're operating far below our standards. Knowing that may not take away your physical symptoms, but it may help to alleviate some of the inevitable feelings of guilt and shame.

 

I know that you have had every test known and nausea treatment known (and unknown too!) to man. But I can't help but ask if you've been checked for h. pylori and also pernicious anemia/ autoimmune atrophic gastritis? I don't know if or how Hashimoto is related to those?

 

I have a close friend who went through months of stomach pain and nausea, had her gall bladder removed and still suffered. I think enzyme therapy was the treatment for her that finally started to work.

 

@BaronessBlixen

 

Thanks Liz. I appreciate your message.

 

I had endoscopy in February.  No HPylori but gastritis, esophagitis and small erosions were found in my stomach.  Lots of bile too.  I was on sucralfate for two months.  That stuff is terrible with side effects of its own.  Ugh.  I take Pepcid twice a day.  I can’t do proton pump inhibitors like Prilosec and Nexium...too many vicious side effects for me plus they really aren’t all that effective for bile issues.  My gallbladder has been gone since my mid 20s...a long time ago. Removing the gallbladder can actually cause bile dumping into the stomach as it was once a storage compartment for bile.  It’s a lose/lose situation.  I happened to be loaded with 100’s of gall stones so there was no alternative.  I’m not sure if Hashimoto’s plays a role in any of this.  It may but more than likely it’s the benzo.

 

I tried to take probiotics but my stomach heaved after a single dose.  I am so med sensitive it’s ridiculous.  I was never this way pre taper.  I’ll look into enzymes.  My fear, always, is an uptick in symptoms when adding anything new.  Even certain foods are a problem now.  I have wild blood sugar swings too.  All of that was checked with blood work.  There was a fear I developed Type I diabetes.  Thankfully that was negative. Benzos have destroyed my entire system.  Nothing is working right anymore.  I’ve lost 50 pounds but have slowly gained back 8 pounds.  It’s a start but I look and feel deathly ill.

 

I’m hoping to continue this horrific taper and get off the poison and maybe, just maybe, I’ll see some improvement. 

 

If this nausea would just let up I’d be more than thankful.  I’m dealt a crappy hand in all of this.  Suffering every day is wearing me down.  I’m weary.

 

Take care Liz.

 

SG

💜

 

 

 

[[Se...]]

Sending good vibes 

 

@Scaredie

 

Thanks for the good vibes.

 

Right back at you!

 

SG

💜

 

 

[[Se...]]

Yes, it is the benzo withdrawal talking.  What else could it be?  Please keep one foot in the present with your sights on a healthy outcome.

 

@Healing64

 

I’m trying to keep my eye on the prize.  It’s so hard feeling so ill every single day. Praying I’ll wake up one morning and the nausea will be gone.  Not likely but praying.

 

Thanks for your message.

 

SG

💜

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi September

 

Is that accurate you’ve been tapering K for 7 months?  I want you to know that is not a long time for a taper.  I’ve been tapering from .5 for 9 months.  I’m not done yet.  I expect it to be a year before it’s done.

 

The problem is you feel so sick, so 7 months seems long. 

 

I hope you’re feeling any better today. 

[[Se...]]

Hi September

 

Is that accurate you’ve been tapering K for 7 months?  I want you to know that is not a long time for a taper.  I’ve been tapering from .5 for 9 months.  I’m not done yet.  I expect it to be a year before it’s done.

 

The problem is you feel so sick, so 7 months seems long. 

 

I hope you’re feeling any better today.

 

@Healing64

 

Yes...my signature is accurate.  I’m well into month 7.  Believe me, 7 minutes seems too long feeling as poorly as I do.

 

I guess I’m in the home stretch now.  Hoping I’ll get to the magic dose and the nausea will subside. Praying for it anyway!!  It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

 

Every day is the same...horrible. I’ll never get used to it.

 

Thanks for your message.

 

SG

💜

[[he...]]

SeptGirl have you looked into NAD therapy at all? Since you're more than ready to jump, it might be the way to do it. I have been looking very deeply into it and it seems promising, I think I am going to do it. I have the wheels in motion with a clinic. I don't think it will be a "miracle cure" by any means, but I am really hopeful it will make the jump much less painful. I can't really afford it, but if it can at least get me med free and like 50% of my health back, it's worth the investment.  I, like you, am just sooo done tapering. I can't bare it for another minute. I've been tapering for over a year and I just need it to be over. I'm so ready.