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Skeptical About Healing


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I'm really tired of feeling skeptical that I'll ever get better. I'm 14.5 months off now, and over 12 months off all alcohol.

 

I'm dealing with intrusive thoughts, anger at my family for no reason, depression, anhedonia, fear, and the list goes on. I have burning in my calves still and facial pressure.

 

I'm just worried I'm never going to feel normal again without trying other psych drugs. I've done everything I can. I drink lots of water. I have been exercising daily (I am still very active). I get between 10,000 to 17,000 steps a day and do at least a half hour of cardio. I notice no immediate benefit from working out. I don't really notice it later in the day either. I eat better, for the most part. No other drugs. No alcohol. I have recently tried caffeine again and notice it doesn't hurt or help me at all.

 

I get constant reassurance from a few people who have gotten better that I will get better but it doesn't help and I need to be hearing it all day. But I can't do that all day. I'm just over this. Want to feel normal and enjoy things again.

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Sorry to complain, just frustrated. I've been noticing more and more that other people who try different meds tend to disappear from this forum and many who do not never take any medications. I'm just starting to think that this life isn't worth living like this for year and years hoping to get better. I a never present in the moment. I'm lost in my own little world of misery.
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B00m. You were working right? If youre on a break hopefully the wd will lessen as your daily stimulation will decrease. Take it from me, the psych meds cause set backs. Idk if we'll feel normal again. But I still hope for it one day. Probably will take years... Ugh. Boom can u do anything to not feel misery? Like a hobby. I start doing better when I can watch tv or play a video games. Maybe this is ridiculous if youre not into video games, but id recommend starting an MMO. Just get online and grind levels. Pass the time. Or distract with cooking or something. I'm so food sensitive but if I start feeling better im going to make myself some delicious meals. But yeah sorry I'm not one to give much advice since im stuck in acute.
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I was in an absolutely horrible way in month 14, had a killer wave that lasted ages. I’m 23.5 months off now and I’m definitely seeing improvements, I’ve actually had some really nice windows where I felt much better. Am I healed? Afraid not but I’m without a doubt better than month 14, quite a bit better. Hang in there, there is hope, you’re not going to be stuck like this for years.
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Sunshine, glad to see you are doing a little better, at least. I just want to feel happy again around my family but I'm starting to understand why I'm so mad at my wife all the time. She won't let me say anything about what I'm going through without getting annoyed. I'm always at fault for what I'm going through and sometimes I wonder if our relationship is prolonging my misery. She made me feel bad for everything before this too like when I hung out with friends or did anything for fun.
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Please, can we stop this notion that healing doesn't happen? It does. A year off is no time to start thinking this is it, far far from it. It doesn't do you any good. It doesn't do anyone any good. And it isn't true.
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Please, can we stop this notion that healing doesn't happen? It does. A year off is no time to start thinking this is it, far far from it. It doesn't do you any good. It doesn't do anyone any good. And it isn't true.

 

Agreed. I know it's a tough road when the doubt sets in, but we do all inevitably heal. Speaking to the professionals who have dealt with thousands of people going through benzo withdrawal, there has yet to be anyone that didn't actually heal. Everyone heals at a different pace, but it does happen. Hang in there and try to have faith. The windows will come and show you what life is like without the madness.

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I get worried that this is just how I am now because of the circumstances. I get really depressed at random. A simple thought can bring it on.

 

I've been so angry and bitter lately. I'm angry at everyone I have to be around and even people in Facebook groups and on this forum. It's like anger I've never experienced before.

 

I have no desire to do anything. I can't read books anymore. I don't want to watch tv or movies. I don't want to exercise, but I try in hopes that it might offer some relief. It never does. I just don't see the point in doing anything.

 

I've been considering trying an antidepressant for a long time now. I may have just developed depression and all the methods I've tried are not helping me.

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It's up to you whether or not you want to understand that what you're going through is withdrawal and will stop if you don't take a pill. People experience anger issues, people get depressed. THat's withdrawal. At this stage in the game, you can't call it anything else because it's what happens in withdrawal and you're in it, but how you live your life is up to you. Pills for the pills for the pills is an option, but in my opinion, not a very good one.
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[6f...]

I have to respond to this one because I am basically off benzos as long as what you are - near the end of this month I will be off for 16 months.

 

I will state my case as objectively as I can.

 

I have just gone through a 1 month downward spiral into another month of exhaustion, brain fog and the instant flu's that last about two hours. I am almost over it and it was very disheartening.

 

In the last three years that I was on benzos I got quite fit and active, cycling 30 to 150 miles a week, jogging 3 to 6 miles 3 or 4 times a week. During taper I maintained this but after jumping it became a lot less with no exercise for about 4 months out of the 16.

 

Skeptical about healing? Here is where I am at:

 

I worked through all of this  - I got away with murder at work because I am a partner. If I was 30% productive in the last few years then I am over 60% productive now. Yes, if I was an employee I would have probably not got away with this and I may have worked more.

 

I work closely with clients who we manufacture parts for, things have improved so much that we have new opportunities because I am able to have/maintain a productive and meaningful relationship with certain (I choose not deal with all) clients now.

 

I have 80% less brain fog.

 

BIG ONE - I can DO or IMPLEMENT the things I learn about my mind and body regarding health - I read voraciously while on benzos and achieved not even 10% of what I intended to regarding the subject matter or skill the document taught. Words fail me here  - this is a huge, huge thing. I am no longer an empty shell or a zombie. I can learn and grow now.

 

I have a much better relationship with my kind and patient wife who almost left me in 2014 because of my multiple shortcomings while on benzos. In our relationship I said things and did not do them. I said things and forgot and then argued that I did not say it. I was aggressive and angry (no physical violence but I did make my wife feel uncomfortable when we had disagreements - this occurred in my darkest benzo days 2010 to 2014).

 

I am growing as a person now and basically I went backwards between 2004 and 2014 or even longer.

 

I have hope based in reality and not on dysfunctional brute perseverance or ego.

 

My wife has hope (we have been married for 20 years with no kids).

 

We never had kids probably because of benzos  -  my wife said I was "never there".

 

While on benzos I used being busy at work (60 to 70 hours a week for over a decade) as an excuse to justify all my life's failures - now I see this is pathetic and do not even blame benzos - I was the fool who stayed on them  - yes they are partly to blame but ultimately it is my fault.

 

While on benzos I lost quite a lot of humility. I lost empathy. I lost touch with EVERYONE. It was extremely difficult for me to accept this when people told me about it  - I took their word for it, I spoke to people for help, I did CBD  - almost zero happened...

 

Now I am getting back my humility (seems silly but on benzos the idea was there but no action), empathy and being thoughtful almost has improved. Honestly, and it kills me to say this, my humility is not what it should be  - but it is really much better. This sounds ridiculous to admit but when I was on benzos I was in survival mode. The years and years of exhaustion (benzo tolerance) reduced me to a short tempered, difficult, ineffective fraction of what people knew me as before benzos and the first few years of benzos as is my particular case.

 

I have a lot more energy now overall  - two to three times more.

 

I sleep much better  - I was at 6 hours a night for a few months and now down to five coming out of this wave. I have had several 7 hour nights and a few 8 hour nights - I have not felt that sweet Godsend of a feeling of rejuvenation from such sleep since 1995! This is really something worthy of very deep thankfulness. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THIS IF ON BENZOS. (IAM REFERRING TO STAGE 4 SLOW WAVE SLEEP). I have done the sleep studies.

 

I am far more disciplined with myself  - not my best yet but much better. With money, with food, with being punctual, with actually doing meaningful work while at work and not just "thinking all day long".

 

I believe I am less of a hazard on the road.(quite sure about this actually). I always drove while on benzos and though I rarely took more than 1mg Klon a day it did happen at least two or three times a year where I would take 3mg within 24 hours and still drive.... job to do, bills to pay....

 

Just recently my taste has improved (not sure if that is benzo related but I believe so). It is a result of proper sleep.

 

I am cognitively far superior compared to when on benzos  - even during waves.

 

My emotions are coming back. Not in a foolish dramatical way but in a well rounded or balanced way  - this helps many aspects of my character and assists with empathy and self esteem.

 

I am no longer the victim of anxiety and benzos,  but rather a guy who came out a coma and the past is the past as long as I never go back to benzos. If I went back to benzos it will hurt my wife, colleagues and others in my life, besides myself!

 

I can think of other people in my choices  - not in zombie mode but more considerate!

 

So much more I can say about cognitive/emotional benefits that we take for granted maybe.

 

So, no I am not healed but I am in a far better place than I ever would have been if I were on benzos. I really feel for the victims on BB who basically stay in bed most of the time, I have stayed in bed for days at a time but I cannot say with certainty that I had it as bad as the next guy. I can say I have been through hell, not even my wife fully understands what I have been through.

 

I used benzos as a crutch for every challenge life threw at me  - now I can face most of the challenges, figure out what to do, do it and actually remember the event or process and be a person that has grown as a result of the process.

 

I am brutally critical of myself and in that spirit I know I am mature in many ways but I lack one or two decades of maturity in some areas for my age. 48 now.

 

I can see if I can conquer the bad habits of my flawed thinking then the underlying cause of my anxiety will diminish and I will have less or no fatigue waves from stress. I can see the benzo withdrawals are waning and will disappear.

 

It takes a lot to comprehend the cause of your anxiety but everybody can do it, act on that and everything will fall into place. Your body will have the rest and the strength then to handle the benzo withdrawal if it is still an issue.

 

This is the best place I have been since 1995, certainly since 2004.

 

Be strengthened by your knowledge or memories of what normal is, we have to go through the pain of withdrawal, and then learning coping mechanisms to get there.

 

 

 

 

 

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Thanks for sharing your story Strive2B.  I'm sure the taste coming back is also benzos.  I had that as well. 
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I lost a giant reply - sigh.

 

Stride thank you for your reply it was awesome to hear such honesty about your life.

 

Boombox, I am one of those who mainly has left the board because I’m largely healed, and I am NOT on any kind of drug.  I came back to check in with the board on my 2 year anniversary of jumping which is next Friday.  It was very important to me to be on nothing so my CNS had a chance to get back to a true baseline. 

 

It has been the most brutal experience of my life, but it DOES get better with time and self care.  I truly understand there are large amounts of time when it doesn’t seem like that and everything seems impossible.  I still get times like that and they are tough.  But it is not like it used to be and I don’t despair every waking minute and question everything I ever knew.  And I have learned when I get stressed to just breathe and calm my thoughts and realize I am alive and Rome wasn’t built in a day, when staying alive seemed seriously in doubt to me for a long time.  I still have very painful memories of different things that happened that I relive and that is tough also.  I remember one moment in my bedroom thinking death was imminent because the human body couldn’t handle the chaos and imbalance I felt - vertigo, shaking, just unreal.  I remember looking at my face in the mirror and thinking my teeth had shifted down and I was looking at the face of a dead woman.  Fast forward to now, I try to take the pressure off myself from making momentous decisions and accept that I am still healing and that is ok.

 

I truly hope this helps.  It does get better it’s just slow.

 

Tiny

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Yes, I have dealt with them, but they are better now.  Less intrusive I guess I should say.

 

At their worst, I would see knives and blood out of nowhere, I was deathly afraid that an elderly man near my cul de sac was going to come into my house and kill me, I would imagine all kinds of illnesses that I must have, I had convinced myself that I needed to go on disability. I was afraid to do basic things like vet appts because of the small enclosed room and thinking I couldn’t handle it.

 

I remember seeing a centipede on a wall in my bedroom and thinking it was an evil sign.  Any small thing that I would normally be able to shake off, I couldn’t shake off.

 

I saw human faces differently. For a while they looked grotesque to me and it seemed like everyone was just waiting to die.

 

At the end of the day, I think it is part of your CNS healing after the benzo took over for you.  I read this awesome article on this board a while back explaining that it is like rebuilding the twin towers after they were destroyed. It takes time and a lot of small areas of reconstruction. 

 

Tiny

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Thanks for the reply. I have dealt with suicidal ideation but it has gotten a bit better. Like I would have the thought of jumping out a window and it was like my body would pull me in that direction. It was so scary. Now I'm having the same thing with harm OCD and it sucks so much. The problem is that this whole process has just made my preexisting OCD so much worse. I have seen a couple therapists for all this and it doesn't seem to help.

 

I've had moments where I see the number 6 and think bad things could happen. I have had moments where I see street lights go out where I think it's a bad omen and moments where I feel like crows could be bad. I've had a tough time looking at people in the eyes.

 

I'm wondering if medication is the only answer. I want my life back and to feel comfortable with my family again.

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Yeah, for the most part, all the extreme examples have only been since quitting benzos. Every time I talk about this on this forum I get told to seek additional help. Believe me, I have. That's why I prefer the facebook groups for support now. I know that more people are going through this on the forum, the horrible intrusive thoughts, but they are too afraid to talk about them.

 

My intrusive thoughts used to be mostly about other people's safety, the best I can remember. Like I would worry about people taking plane rides or taking long trips in their car. Or I would worry that there could be a school shooting at the school I work at. So I had a mild form of OCD that I could live with before all this. But, the problem is so much has changed now that I don't know if this would have developed with my family or not. Who knows.

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As long as you’re not harming yourself or others, I don’t see what harm a thought has. If this problem wasn’t here before the drugs as it is now, then it’s Benzos, and it will pass. I certainly wouldn’t deprive myself of the opportunity to be whole again because of thoughts, no matter how scary they were. I’m way far from healed. I’ve tried drugs for the drugs and that path is a dead end.
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I can highly relate to a lot of this, especially the OCD related discussion. I don't know if mine are technically intrusive thoughts because they don't seem to run with a theme besides fear. Most of my issues with intrusives thoughts, relating to thoughts that I don't want are more to do with general fear and over-awareness of something. It's a less a particular thought and more to do with the fact that my thoughts seem to obsessively ruminate about themselves. It all has to do with the anxiety that I experience, the hyper-awareness of my thoughts in general and how I don't feel like I'm in control of my mind. It just seems like my mind goes in circles and gets caught in these "fear loops" of trying to understand or get read of the realization. Meta thought or meta anxiety? I don't really know what category all of this falls under. All I know is that a lot of my thoughts do feel intrusive and disconnected.
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I thank you so much for your post Tinypillow.  You have helped me enormously.  :smitten:

 

Your experience so similar to my own.  I couldn't hold a knife for a long time, but has now improved.  Not gone, but heaps reduced.

 

Listen to Tinypillow, boombox. 

 

It's going to get better.

 

Dee

:smitten:

 

 

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The issue is I can't be whole again until whatever this anxiety/OCD is goes away. And I don't know how to help myself at this point. I wish I could just ignore the thoughts and move on but I don't seem to be able to. Sometimes the OCD turns to anger toward others too, especially my wife. Like right now I just feel mad at my wife for no reason that I can identify. It's father's day and she has let me do pretty much whatever I wanted. The need to feel normal around the people of love is my biggest priority. That's why I am constantly asking if meds besides benzos could help me.
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This ends. The weird OCD mental intrusive, obsessive thoughts and strange anger and disconnected emotions all goes away. Despite the fact that I am struggling 25 months out, I have had entire months where all of this has completely lifted. Instead of trying to figure it out, I think it's important to just do the best you can to cope with it as a symptom as withdrawal. There are going to be tough days, but this isn't going to be the rest of your life and you will find incredible respite from all of it.
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I don’t know what to tell you. It could be so much worse, sooo much worse. What helps is time. If you’re angry at your wife for no reason, you know there’s a reason: withdrawal. You’ll be whole when this is over and the thoughts are no more. That’s what I meant. Honestly, even the way you’re arguing your point sounds withdrawly, and I don’t mean it as a criticism, it’s just an observation. I’ve been there. And when I was there, no one could crack my argument. You’ll do what you feel you must.

 

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Boombox, I’m almost 2 years out and I’m mad at my husband and it’s Father’s Day.  There is no apparent reason but he didn’t handle the WD very well - he pushed me to pray more and it drove me insane.  I think we tend to blame ourselves and it’s just another stupid phase of this.  It is tough.  I would find articles that explain it - there are good ones by Dr. Christy Huff and there are a lot more now than there used to be. Here is one for example:  https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna895361

 

So much of your last post I could relate to - I think not trying to cure it, but managing it as best you can, is easier.

 

Tiny

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