Started tapering today from 6mg valium

[[Fo...]]

Well said JJ

Keeping busy is important as you know.

Unfortunately inertia is an issue on psychotropics.

Dick

[[JJ...]]

Yep, on the days when I’m doing nothing and just moping about by myself, my physical and psychological symptoms are all amplified. it’s easy to obsess about how bad you feel and focus right in on the bad stuff rather than just being in the moment. I do get anxious about my interactions at work, but f*** it, they can’t sack me for being an intense freak, if anything it seems to be asset in my role.... I pretty much channel my nervous energy into working like a man possessed and try not to overthink what people may think.

 

Yep, anxiety is the burden a lot of us carry with us and something I believe we must embrace and utilise, rather than trying to squash. As I become less dosed up / tranquillised and essentially sober, I’m starting to feel my inner child resurface after 25 years of self medicating / blunting my natural state of anxiety... I think the modern misconception that we should always feel comfortable and stable is potentially what leads a lot of us to (self)medicate. Just my opinion..... we need to be comfortable being uncomfortable... pharmaceuticals just take us away from our natural human state don’t they?? At the peak of my benzo use I was like a zombie, comfortably numb, stable but not really in a natural human state.. no dynamics, just a steady chemical induced bubble of emptiness...

 

I’m starting to feel those dynamics again, the fear, the happiness, the sadness, the frustration, the elation, the ups and downs that make us human.

 

Sorry, maybe going a bit deep there!!

 

[[Fo...]]

Excellent summary of how we are dumbed down and our psychs think that’s a better place to be!!!

Dick

[[JJ...]]

Thanks Dick for more succinctly summarising my rant! 

[[Fo...]]

I am too queasy starting mirtazipine withdrawal to do much more than a one liner JJ    @))) Dick

Having jus5 got off Seroquel ugggg.

[[de...]]

It was a very good summary JJ.

 

My inner child is scared. 

 

I'm  forward to getting back on the swings. 

 

Dee

[[JJ...]]

Dick - stay strong, cheering you on from Down Under.. keep on keeping on my friend.

Dee - me too!!!

 

Today I cut again.......

[[de...]]

Dick, I'm so sorry. 

 

Didn't say get well to you. 

 

You know I think it, brain doesn't follow through. 

 

Get well soon Dick. 

 

Dee

[[Fo...]]

Thanks all

Just WD head buzzing and numb lips. Slept ok.

Best wishes

Dick

[[JJ...]]

Day 16 - cut 0.5 yesterday... quite honestly seems surprisingly smooth.

Really bad guts and head and vision feeling fuzzy and buzzy but emotionally/psychologically feel fine.

A bit moody and it’s that time of the month for my wife so clashing a bit but ok...

On we go.... 

 

edit: flatulence is really bad....stomache feels like it’s burning up.... sore throat..

[[JJ...]]

Day 17 - spoke too soon...

Went to work this morning, started feeling dizzy and dodgy stomache.

Feeling tense, tight jaw...

Anyway,  left early came home before lunch. Luckily have tomorrow and next day off anyway.. no sick leave in hand but met incentives last month so won’t hit my pocket thankfully.

 

Maybe the initial taper just over 2 weeks ago hitting me now???

Nothing I can’t handle, just uncomfortable..... 

[[Fo...]]

JJ

The longer acting metabolites are dropping at two weeks. Chin up it’s going to stabilise.

 

Hugs to Dee and the clan.  Mirtazipine is a foul withdrawal too. Have stalled but will persevere. ( I dropped by 20% thinking I could do it—NOT POSS)  back to 5% I think.

 

Best w

Dickie

[[JJ...]]

Thanks for the encouragement Dick, and keep it going slow and steady my friend.

On that note, just got back from doc who has given me a prescription for 10mg per 10ml Valium elixir so I can do some super accurate tapering. Really pleased I don’t have to mess around with milk,vodka or whatever 

[[Fo...]]

Great stuff.

Medic helpful too-)

Dickie

[[JJ...]]

Yes he’s helpful, at first he laughed at how small my dose is but then surprisingly said and I quote “but for you it’s real”! Also tried (again) to prescribe me with an SSRI which i politely declined.. he then suggested I don’t necessarily need to jump at the end of the taper, and that I should maybe consider staying on 1mg a day for a while, but then back-pedalled, saying “oh but you want to give up everything don’t you”.... conflicting perhaps but I do appreciate him respecting that I’ve been doing my own research and that he is on board with whole idea of tapering down to zero meds as an ultimate goal..

 

Feeling super sleepy today.

 

[[Fo...]]

Nice to have Doc who you can banter with.  ! 

He will be pleased for you. Of course the post WD sx might well be minor but you might want to warn him.

Dick

[[JJ...]]

You’re right Dick. I think my doc is on board for whatever twists and turns this takes.. it took me a while to find the right one!

[[JJ...]]

Day 20:

Been sleeping ok but craaaazy dreams and seem to remember them all.

Headaches, gas, fuzzy buzzy head, a bit anxious/uncomfortable....but feeling ok considering!

Girl at work commented today that I look crazy eyed... I actually feel like I’m jumping out of my skin... still no caffeine, no alcohol, no nicotine, no weed, no msg, next to no sugar... trying to cut back on salty things...

Have told everyone at work, they know what’s going on and are supportive/intrigued as I have a reputation as a big drinker/stoner/vaper..

Conversations with clients perhaps a little less edgy this week I think 

 

May as well taper again on Saturday....

Will cut middle of the day 0.5 mg I reckon so will be 2mg am and 2mg pm....

From there will go a bit slower and stick to 10% cuts a week maximum.

On we go...

 

On a side note, being sober is making me consider what I want to do with my life having been coasting/off my face for so long. I think a career change is in the works.........also without the addictions I am lower maintenance/don’t need so much money!!!

 

[[JJ...]]

Day 21.

Moved my midday dose to the evening yesterday. So now just morning and evening 2 and 2.5.

Was ok but then couldn’t get to sleep, made the mistake of getting in to the new Black Mirror series on Netflix. Ended up wired with a throbbing headache... note to self: don’t watch tv late at night....

 

Feel overall buzzy head and anxious this morning, and a bit of a headache and constipated. Depersonalisation happening at work yesterday.... had weird and way too intense interactions with clients...i think the wd is hitting me properly now, probably the second week taper leaving my system..going to hold today then cut about 8% of the total day (0.35mg) down to 1.65mg in the morning using liquid I think.

 

Overall uncomfortable but bearable.

Starting to wonder about supplements. So many mixed reports on the forum here, doesn’t seem to be any consensus... thinking of trying magnesium and a good multivitamin to start. Also reading a lot about a low daily dose of lithium orotate in the morning being beneficial. Any thoughts?

 

Day 22 update

Dropped to 1.65mg diazepam elixir this morning dose.

First time taking liquid.

I may be imagining it but I swear I felt it ‘hit’ me!?

[[CM...]]

It depends how sensitive you are to the drug. When I did a 5% cut all In one go, I felt it the next day. I am incredibly sensitive to medication though.

 

Keep going!

 

Hi Tweed. I’m tapering Valium just like you. I’m down to 2.93 today. Shaving pills as well.

What percentage have you found that works for you?

[[JJ...]]

Day 23

Second day having cut the morning dose.

New development = night terrors.....

Not nice, was paralysed, thought someone had broken in to the house.

Yesterday was a slog.. was counting down the minutes to night time dose for about 3hrs..

Benzo belly getting worse it seems. Apart from that, edgy and uncomfortable but bearable.

On we go...

[[JJ...]]

Day 24

No scary dreams last night - yay!

Seem to only sleep 7hrs straight these days (have slept about 10 since my teens).

I think this is the “new normal” as I’ve been dosed up to my eyeballs one way or another since I was about 15.... so when I wake up I try and jump straight out of bed.

 

A colleague at work said I was “wide-eyed” yesterday..

But then another colleague commented on how “nice and fresh” I looked..

My anxiety is sky high but I’m just rolling with it.

I think working with a group of high functioning anxious Empaths helps...

 

My partner totally does not understand what I’m going through, but I can cope with that,

she’s just giving me the space to sort myself out and dealing with her own sanity, which is fair, I did bring this all on myself. Cannot blame this on doctors or my f-d up childhood or anything else, I think it’s important not to identify as a “victim”... THIS IS KEY to keeping my strength through this.

 

I’ve said this before, but my wd symptoms are MUCH worse when I’m just hanging around at home.

When I’m at work or out and about doing stuff, it’s not half as bad.

I think this will be crucial during my ongoing recovery, ie getting out of the house / my comfort zone and just doing stuff.. sounds oversimplified but it’s true.

 

Seem to be getting used to the lower dose, looking forward to breaking below 4mg/day on next cut!

So tempted to cut quicker but going to keep it slow and steady. The liquid is working well.

 

[[mi...]]

I can't comment on V.  I am tapering from K.  Different beast.  I wish you luck on your Slow...………. taper.  Should be …………………..slow taper.

 

Miss Bella

[[JJ...]]

Thanks Bella 

[[JJ...]]

Day 25

Up super early again. Feeling edgy, unstable, anxiety still pretty up there.

Fuzzy vision, dodgy belly, mild shakes.....

But bearable.. Main physical symptom = super itchy, specially legs and arms!!!  Aaaaaargh....

Counting the days till next cut, am impatient, just want this over with but want as smooth a landing as possible....

 

Noticing a lot of talk on this forum of “stabilising” before continuing taper, and “updosing”.. it feels like the normalisation of that ‘routine’on these boards could be quite enabling for some people...

I understand my wd is probs not as bad as many experience, but I feel that ultimately we’ve just got to grind through this by any means necessary... get off this rubbish... then heal ourselves, care for ourselves, and move on with real life and do whatever it takes to cope with real life non-chemically.

 

This is a roller coaster, And I want it to finish