I really can’t do this any more

[[of...]]

Other people mention they've found buspar helpful which I didn't so much but I did find vistaril helpful for sleeping and some anxiety relief.  I'm only mentioning bc they might be worth a try if you're thinking about going up.

 

I know it's tough but like cuzkk mentioned, focus on what you CAN do, not what you CAN'T.  Taking things slower makes a lot of sense if you can hold where you are or just slightly higher. I would not go back up bc since you've made it this far.  I'm not sure it would help and it seems people find themselves in a more difficult spot once that stops working.  I tried clonazepam after alprazolam. It worked for a bit but then it was worse to taper off.

 

I think some positive affirmations would help and some self love talk.  Here's one I liked when I had just finished my taper and was still living in hell. 

There are lots of good themes that are mentioned even if you don't connect with the speaker.  Tell yourself you can get through it bc you can. You're helping yourself by posting here and listening to others.  As was mentioned, you're stronger than you think. Be careful and stop telling yourself you CAN'T. You CAN. Agree to take your time too.

 

Thank you seltzerer. I don’t know why my brain is stuck on I can’t do this. I just think I’m not as strong as you all pre benzo so there’s no reason to think I would be during. My brain literally can’t grasp the concept of I can do this. I can’t believe I was able to get almost off last year and this year I am just so fu#ked up. I’m still holding at .157 weight.

 

I am going to ask my dr about buspar and vistaril. I don’t know if you can take it with mirtazipine.

 

Have you read through this thread?  It's a good one.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0

 

Thank you. I need to re read this. 😢

[[Ma...]]

offandon,

 

1) If you started mirtazapine in August, this could be the problem. Some people react on it with severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts can get worse. In withdrawal, we react different on new meds, also - thats why I did not take any further meds. I wanted to be free of everything to finally find out if I could help myself - or would die. I did not die. I learned that my body is the wisest helper for me. It was painful. It was scary. But now I love my body, my personality, my everything - and I am able to help myself out of anything.

2) I would not add more medication, because no one has ever done a study about how those cocktails are working in our system

3) Although you felt as if you would die, you were able to write here and reach out for help. This is not a weakness, it shows how strong you are. Lots of people give up in these situations but you were able to describe your feeling, your situation, to explain and talk. Do not take this for granted. It shows that something deep inside you wants to live and will not die! Please keep this in mind for the next time, okey? I have been there so many times and finally have seen how brave I was - and so you will.

4) You said you have been medicated all your life. So this is the ultimative change for you - to find out what your body and soul needs and then to find out how to deliver that by yourself without a doctor or a med. This is a huge challenge, and I had to do that, too. But it is amazing when you reach the point you already know about your fears and you just decide not to go to the doctor and not to take another med - and you are able to help yourself. It starts with you, just holding on for another hour. Note down, what was helpful and what did not help - in order to get a list in the end, a personal skill-book that reminds you about what is helping or not.

5) You never know. This is scary, right? But its helping, too. You will notice that one day you will be suicidal, and the next day its gone.  this can give hope...

 

You are brave and tough - you will survive this. No doubt about it.

Here comes a hug from an ex-polydrugged person - now absolutely med-free. .. after over 5 years tapering..

Marigold

 

Hi marigold and thank you for the support. Thank you so much for that. It means so much as I have lost all hope and perspective. All I feel now is fear.

 

My problem might be the opposite. I’ve never been and am still not suicidal. I actually often feel like a weak person because death scares me so much and it doesn’t seem to scare those who are suicidal. I want to live so bad. Weird way to think I know.

 

If I hadn’t started the mirtazipine I would not have been able to start tapering. I was so dizzy I couldn’t get around and it helped with that. I don’t know if it was the right thing or not. I don’t know what’s the right thing anymore.

 

I know I was an anxious young woman when I got on benzos  and I’m worse now. I’m a terrified person and no longer young.  But I am still trying to get off of them.

 

Amazing that you were able to do this. What a strong person you are. 

 

I always wanted to live and not to die. Being suicidal does not mean you want to harm yourself - mostly its the feeling that you just cannot hold on any more. - But that doesn't matter.

 

You will learn that this all is not about being strong or weak. The fact that I made it doesn't mean I am a strong person. Its hard to explain.. Its more like.. "Learning that you are strong while being your weakest you ever". We have such a strong image how a strong person has to be - but heroes are not real. Real strength is surviving while being in a mess only thriven by one thought and that can be "just this one minute, just again this night, that moment.."

 

You do not have to know whats right or wrong, you dont need to be wise/young/brave/strong. These are only words. the only thing that matter is that you keep tapering and never stop until you have reached the zero, and then the next goal is, keep it going until you feel better. Its a long road and its not about going fast, its about patience and self-love. Having reached those 2 - anything else doesn't matter any more.

 

If Mirtazepine did help you, stick to it, but do not change the dosage. Go on with your taper, you can hold the dosages for a longer time if that makes you feel more safe - and all the rest just needs to be lived-"over".

 

Celebrate each moment you were able to hold on. Thats important. 

[[of...]]

offandon,

 

1) If you started mirtazapine in August, this could be the problem. Some people react on it with severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts can get worse. In withdrawal, we react different on new meds, also - thats why I did not take any further meds. I wanted to be free of everything to finally find out if I could help myself - or would die. I did not die. I learned that my body is the wisest helper for me. It was painful. It was scary. But now I love my body, my personality, my everything - and I am able to help myself out of anything.

2) I would not add more medication, because no one has ever done a study about how those cocktails are working in our system

3) Although you felt as if you would die, you were able to write here and reach out for help. This is not a weakness, it shows how strong you are. Lots of people give up in these situations but you were able to describe your feeling, your situation, to explain and talk. Do not take this for granted. It shows that something deep inside you wants to live and will not die! Please keep this in mind for the next time, okey? I have been there so many times and finally have seen how brave I was - and so you will.

4) You said you have been medicated all your life. So this is the ultimative change for you - to find out what your body and soul needs and then to find out how to deliver that by yourself without a doctor or a med. This is a huge challenge, and I had to do that, too. But it is amazing when you reach the point you already know about your fears and you just decide not to go to the doctor and not to take another med - and you are able to help yourself. It starts with you, just holding on for another hour. Note down, what was helpful and what did not help - in order to get a list in the end, a personal skill-book that reminds you about what is helping or not.

5) You never know. This is scary, right? But its helping, too. You will notice that one day you will be suicidal, and the next day its gone.  this can give hope...

 

You are brave and tough - you will survive this. No doubt about it.

Here comes a hug from an ex-polydrugged person - now absolutely med-free. .. after over 5 years tapering..

Marigold

 

Hi marigold and thank you for the support. Thank you so much for that. It means so much as I have lost all hope and perspective. All I feel now is fear.

 

My problem might be the opposite. I’ve never been and am still not suicidal. I actually often feel like a weak person because death scares me so much and it doesn’t seem to scare those who are suicidal. I want to live so bad. Weird way to think I know.

 

If I hadn’t started the mirtazipine I would not have been able to start tapering. I was so dizzy I couldn’t get around and it helped with that. I don’t know if it was the right thing or not. I don’t know what’s the right thing anymore.

 

I know I was an anxious young woman when I got on benzos  and I’m worse now. I’m a terrified person and no longer young.  But I am still trying to get off of them.

 

Amazing that you were able to do this. What a strong person you are. 

 

I always wanted to live and not to die. Being suicidal does not mean you want to harm yourself - mostly its the feeling that you just cannot hold on any more. - But that doesn't matter.

 

You will learn that this all is not about being strong or weak. The fact that I made it doesn't mean I am a strong person. Its hard to explain.. Its more like.. "Learning that you are strong while being your weakest you ever". We have such a strong image how a strong person has to be - but heroes are not real. Real strength is surviving while being in a mess only thriven by one thought and that can be "just this one minute, just again this night, that moment.."

 

You do not have to know whats right or wrong, you dont need to be wise/young/brave/strong. These are only words. the only thing that matter is that you keep tapering and never stop until you have reached the zero, and then the next goal is, keep it going until you feel better. Its a long road and its not about going fast, its about patience and self-love. Having reached those 2 - anything else doesn't matter any more.

 

If Mirtazepine did help you, stick to it, but do not change the dosage. Go on with your taper, you can hold the dosages for a longer time if that makes you feel more safe - and all the rest just needs to be lived-"over".

 

Celebrate each moment you were able to hold on. Thats important. 

 

Thank you marigold. I can’t tell you all enough who reply to my desperate posts how much it helps to receive such wonderful amazing support. 

[[ke...]]

I was where you are (no driving or sleeping for 2 months). Felling totally hopeless with the belief that I was ruined for life. I would up hospitalized, detoxed and put on high doses of Cymbalta and Mirt. Surprisingly it worked out well. Not suggesting this, but it shows that the brain is not ruined for life as you feel it is. Maybe an AD would help you feel better. If not an SSRI (I hated those, made me nauseous), possibly a different one.

[[of...]]

I was where you are (no driving or sleeping for 2 months). Felling totally hopeless with the belief that I was ruined for life. I would up hospitalized, detoxed and put on high doses of Cymbalta and Mirt. Surprisingly it worked out well. Not suggesting this, but it shows that the brain is not ruined for life as you feel it is. Maybe an AD would help you feel better. If not an SSRI (I hated those, made me nauseous), possibly a different one.

 

Hi keagan

 

I’m glad to hear you are doing better. Thank you for adding to the hope. I am on a low dose of mirtazipine now and I think it did help at first and is probably still helping somewhat. 

 

Ssri’s  have always been what I was on and I should have stayed on Prozac before tapering. I didn’t start tapering from a place of any kind of stability but when I tried to get back on an ssri , I couldn’t.

 

 

[[...]]

What are your current symptoms?

 

 

[[of...]]

What are your current symptoms?

 

Hard to write these...

 

 

Feelings of unreality

Constant thoughts of death

Feeling of being untethered to the world

Feeling unsafe everywhere even my own body

Constant existential fears and thoughts

Constant terror worse now that it’s dark early

afraid of dark

Feeling of doom

Boatiness

Hopelessness

Agoraphobia

Depression

Panic

Fear of being alone

 

 

[[...]]

What are your current symptoms?

 

Hard to write these...

 

 

Feelings of unreality

Constant thoughts of death

Feeling of being untethered to the world

Feeling unsafe everywhere even my own body

Constant existential fears and thoughts

Constant terror worse now that it’s dark early

afraid of dark

Feeling of doom

Boatiness

Hopelessness

Agoraphobia

Depre

Panic

Fear of being alone

My poor dear friend.

 

I think you might’ve got off your SSRI too soon.

 

  Due to a tragedy concerning my son, I had a bout of severe depression along with some of these other symptoms you mentioned and my doctor gave me Celexa. During that time I found it more easy to taper off my Klonopin than any other time. 

 

The issue concerning my son resolved in a couple of months rather miraculously and so I started feeling better and got off the Celexa.

 

Looking back, I wonder if the remaining months of  benzo taper would’ve been easier had I stayed on the Celexa.

[[of...]]

What are your current symptoms?

 

Hard to write these...

 

 

Feelings of unreality

Constant thoughts of death

Feeling of being untethered to the world

Feeling unsafe everywhere even my own body

Constant existential fears and thoughts

Constant terror worse now that it’s dark early

afraid of dark

Feeling of doom

Boatiness

Hopelessness

Agoraphobia

Depre

Panic

Fear of being alone

My poor dear friend.

 

I think you might’ve got off your SSRI too soon.

 

  Due to a tragedy concerning my son, I had a bout of severe depression along with some of these other symptoms you mentioned and my doctor gave me Celexa. During that time I found it more easy to taper off my Klonopin than any other time. 

 

The issue concerning my son resolved in a couple of months rather miraculously and so I started feeling better and got off the Celexa.

 

Looking back, I wonder if the remaining months of  benzo taper would’ve been easier had I stayed on the Celexa.

 

Yes I think so too. 😢 But when I tried to get back on earlier this year I couldn’t. I was almost off klonopin a year ago while I was on prozac but we thought it was causing the stomach problems I was having so I tapered it instead. I hope the mirtazipine will help with some of these thoughts. Still very sad over the loss of my Mom in April. It’s just awful. Especially now early dark nights are here and gray days. Everything is scary. I feel safe nowhere.

 

Psych wants me to try abilify over increasing mirtazipine. One causes involuntary movements but helps reorder thoughts and the other causes munchies she says.

[[up...]]

I am sad to see you suffering and I want you to know that if you want, we can suffer together. Let’s start a new “suffering together thread” to ease the suffering until we see we don’t have to do that anymore. We’ll be two older anxious women regretting what we’ve done to ourself because we’re our own worst critics...until we see that we did the best we could and our failures are really mistakes and we can choose a new way of being. We can set a time to do arm circles.

 

I was just getting down on myself for making the decision to cross over to Valium and lengthen my taper when you told me you thought I was doing a great job in a thread. Thank you!  And when you asked me a question in a post, I looked at your sig and noticed how low your dose is and thought that was amazing. You don’t see how amazing it is but I do. And you just lost your Mom this year. You are doing a great job. I barely leave the house, it hurts to drive so I don’t do it very often but I thought this was part of the process.

 

Don’t worry...I know my post sounds crazy and I am a bit goofy, but I’m not a weirdo. I’m just trying to let you know I’m here and others need you on this forum and you’re worth so much more than you think you are.

 

 

[[of...]]

I am sad to see you suffering and I want you to know that if you want, we can suffer together. Let’s start a new “suffering together thread” to ease the suffering until we see we don’t have to do that anymore. We’ll be two older anxious women regretting what we’ve done to ourself because we’re our own worst critics...until we see that we did the best we could and our failures are really mistakes and we can choose a new way of being. We can set a time to do arm circles.

 

I was just getting down on myself for making the decision to cross over to Valium and lengthen my taper when you told me you thought I was doing a great job in a thread. Thank you!  And when you asked me a question in a post, I looked at your sig and noticed how low your dose is and thought that was amazing. You don’t see how amazing it is but I do. And you just lost your Mom this year. You are doing a great job. I barely leave the house, it hurts to drive so I don’t do it very often but I thought this was part of the process.

 

Don’t worry...I know my post sounds crazy and I am a bit goofy, but I’m not a weirdo. I’m just trying to let you know I’m here and others need you on this forum and you’re worth so much more than you think you are.

 

It doesn’t sound crazy...it was so lovely and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.  Yes let’s do this together.

[[up...]]

Good! 

[[up...]]

How are you doing today offandon? Even if you feel just a tad better, that’s something. If you get down, please read all these wonderfully supportive posts. Today I’m going to try to read that link that seltzerer posted. Let’s keep on keeping on. 

[[of...]]

What are your current symptoms?

 

Hard to write these...

 

 

Feelings of unreality

Constant thoughts of death

Feeling of being untethered to the world

Feeling unsafe everywhere even my own body

Constant existential fears and thoughts

Constant terror worse now that it’s dark early

afraid of dark

Feeling of doom

Boatiness

Hopelessness

Agoraphobia

Depression

Panic

Fear of being alone

 

 

If these are my symptoms and I do believe it has a lot to do with not being on an ssri and I feel unreality so bad, what are my options ? I really need to taper from a more stable place. This is too much for me.

It’s so gray today.

[[ch...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now. 

 

 

[[of...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

[[Ma...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

 

Be careful with returning to the hospital .. you cant be sure that the meds they will give you will help you, or make it even worse. Your system has already started to help itself and producing what it needs, - if you add more meds you never know.

 

I lived with those ideas for 5 years, by the way. I had a bag packed under my bed in case I would 1)go crazy 2)not be able to hold on anymore 3)get a break-down... - I had underwear in each bag I took with me for years because I really had to survive minute by minute -

 

so my advice would be: Take that option "to go into a hospital" as an option with you. Its an option. And in case you want to do it, just shift. Tell yourself - just this hour, and then I will decide if I go or not.

 

I know you cannot believe me or others - but we have all been there where you are now. Its unbelievable. Its torture. Still I cannot explain it to someone who has not been there. Its the most cruel place I know.

Darling! You will leave that place and life will be better again. It has been that way for so many of us.

[[of...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

 

Be careful with returning to the hospital .. you cant be sure that the meds they will give you will help you, or make it even worse. Your system has already started to help itself and producing what it needs, - if you add more meds you never know.

 

I lived with those ideas for 5 years, by the way. I had a bag packed under my bed in case I would 1)go crazy 2)not be able to hold on anymore 3)get a break-down... - I had underwear in each bag I took with me for years because I really had to survive minute by minute -

 

so my advice would be: Take that option "to go into a hospital" as an option with you. Its an option. And in case you want to do it, just shift. Tell yourself - just this hour, and then I will decide if I go or not.

 

I know you cannot believe me or others - but we have all been there where you are now. Its unbelievable. Its torture. Still I cannot explain it to someone who has not been there. Its the most cruel place I know.

Darling! You will leave that place and life will be better again. It has been that way for so many of us.

 

Marigold I just feel so stuck and scared. I know in my heart I need to be on an ssri and I wasn’t able to get back on it. I can tell because this has gotten so much worse over the last few weeks when the rain and early dark nights go have set in.

[[Ra...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

 

Be careful with returning to the hospital .. you cant be sure that the meds they will give you will help you, or make it even worse. Your system has already started to help itself and producing what it needs, - if you add more meds you never know.

 

I lived with those ideas for 5 years, by the way. I had a bag packed under my bed in case I would 1)go crazy 2)not be able to hold on anymore 3)get a break-down... - I had underwear in each bag I took with me for years because I really had to survive minute by minute -

 

so my advice would be: Take that option "to go into a hospital" as an option with you. Its an option. And in case you want to do it, just shift. Tell yourself - just this hour, and then I will decide if I go or not.

 

I know you cannot believe me or others - but we have all been there where you are now. Its unbelievable. Its torture. Still I cannot explain it to someone who has not been there. Its the most cruel place I know.

Darling! You will leave that place and life will be better again. It has been that way for so many of us.

 

Marigold I just feel so stuck and scared. I know in my heart I need to be on an ssri and I wasn’t able to get back on it. I can tell because this has gotten so much worse over the last few weeks when the rain and early dark nights go have set in.

 

Hey friend😉!  You don't need a hospital, you just need a break from your anxiety cycle! Don't feed the beast, it thrives on fear. The worst part of this withdrawal process is how badly it changes the thought patterns in your mind. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING you are feeling is completely normal given your situation. You are not abnormal, your thoughts are not abnormal. Your brain is not functioning the way it will in the future because it has not adjusted to the chemical changes yet. It will improve!  And remember, they are just thoughts. Thoughts are not who you are. Thinking is a product of the brain,and this particular type of thinking -in the form of anxiety, ruminating and negative outlook is just a symptom of what is chemically happening upstairs in your head. You are a beautiful soul that exists so far beyond these thoughts.

If you need a break in the form of an SSRI then by all means give yourself a break. The goal is to have a life and complete this withdrawal process. If you had an open wound, would you not bandage it to stop the bleeding and allow healing?  Your brain chemistry is temporarily hurt and it may need a bandage🤕.

It is not quitting, it is not shameful and it is not a step backwards. It is potential for relief.

I bought into so much of what I read here about not adding additional drugs during taper. The opinion that all drugs are inherently bad. Whatever-🙄that is a personal decision.

I was up against the wall, I was going to quit my taper. During the early stages of my taper I had done everything from assaulting my 75 year old father in a fit of withdrawal induced rage, to telling my wife I wanted a divorce, to screaming at a 5 month old baby. I couldn't go outside, I had panic in stores, I would get lost while driving, I literally spent several days in bed with the covers over my head. I saw no future. None. I was done.

I was offered Oxcarbazapine and I resisted. I finally took it. Out of desperation and terrified of another drug I took it...Within a week my physical symptoms were reduced significantly. The depression abated.

I still had terrible anxiety and was barely functioning. I was offered Lexapro. I didn't want it, I resisted for a month. I was scared of yet another drug. My thoughtful and very persuasive wife talked me into taking a half dose for two weeks. It was terrible. My anxiety went through the roof. I was sleepy, dizzy and wired all at the same time. Somehow she got me to take a full dose. " Just give it 3 more days."

It worked.

One month in my generalized anxiety is all but gone. I can shop, drive, I don't stay in bed and I am present and engaged with my family. I feel hopeful for the first time since September. The break has allowed me to explore meditation, alternative thinking patterns, engage in cognitive therapy and begin exercise. Many days are still very hard but I have hope now.

I don't know if meds will work for you but please don't stay stuck in your anxiety. It will sabotage your healing. You have a life to live. Get busy😘. Break it down into tiny steps. There is no big picture at this point, just one foot in front of the other.

Again, no one here is stronger than you. We are all struggling together. And you do possess everything you need to complete this. You have support (us!), you have the desire, and you have the will ( or you would not be here!) . I know with my heart that you can absolutely do this. You want to.

In the end that is all you need. My love and hugs to you. Tomorrow is another chance to move forward!

 

[[of...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

 

Be careful with returning to the hospital .. you cant be sure that the meds they will give you will help you, or make it even worse. Your system has already started to help itself and producing what it needs, - if you add more meds you never know.

 

I lived with those ideas for 5 years, by the way. I had a bag packed under my bed in case I would 1)go crazy 2)not be able to hold on anymore 3)get a break-down... - I had underwear in each bag I took with me for years because I really had to survive minute by minute -

 

so my advice would be: Take that option "to go into a hospital" as an option with you. Its an option. And in case you want to do it, just shift. Tell yourself - just this hour, and then I will decide if I go or not.

 

I know you cannot believe me or others - but we have all been there where you are now. Its unbelievable. Its torture. Still I cannot explain it to someone who has not been there. Its the most cruel place I know.

Darling! You will leave that place and life will be better again. It has been that way for so many of us.

 

Marigold I just feel so stuck and scared. I know in my heart I need to be on an ssri and I wasn’t able to get back on it. I can tell because this has gotten so much worse over the last few weeks when the rain and early dark nights go have set in.

 

Hey friend😉!  You don't need a hospital, you just need a break from your anxiety cycle! Don't feed the beast, it thrives on fear. The worst part of this withdrawal process is how badly it changes the thought patterns in your mind. EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING you are feeling is completely normal given your situation. You are not abnormal, your thoughts are not abnormal. Your brain is not functioning the way it will in the future because it has not adjusted to the chemical changes yet. It will improve!  And remember, they are just thoughts. Thoughts are not who you are. Thinking is a product of the brain,and this particular type of thinking -in the form of anxiety, ruminating and negative outlook is just a symptom of what is chemically happening upstairs in your head. You are a beautiful soul that exists so far beyond these thoughts.

If you need a break in the form of an SSRI then by all means give yourself a break. The goal is to have a life and complete this withdrawal process. If you had an open wound, would you not bandage it to stop the bleeding and allow healing?  Your brain chemistry is temporarily hurt and it may need a bandage🤕.

It is not quitting, it is not shameful and it is not a step backwards. It is potential for relief.

I bought into so much of what I read here about not adding additional drugs during taper. The opinion that all drugs are inherently bad. Whatever-🙄that is a personal decision.

I was up against the wall, I was going to quit my taper. During the early stages of my taper I had done everything from assaulting my 75 year old father in a fit of withdrawal induced rage, to telling my wife I wanted a divorce, to screaming at a 5 month old baby. I couldn't go outside, I had panic in stores, I would get lost while driving, I literally spent several days in bed with the covers over my head. I saw no future. None. I was done.

I was offered Oxcarbazapine and I resisted. I finally took it. Out of desperation and terrified of another drug I took it...Within a week my physical symptoms were reduced significantly. The depression abated.

I still had terrible anxiety and was barely functioning. I was offered Lexapro. I didn't want it, I resisted for a month. I was scared of yet another drug. My thoughtful and very persuasive wife talked me into taking a half dose for two weeks. It was terrible. My anxiety went through the roof. I was sleepy, dizzy and wired all at the same time. Somehow she got me to take a full dose. " Just give it 3 more days."

It worked.

One month in my generalized anxiety is all but gone. I can shop, drive, I don't stay in bed and I am present and engaged with my family. I feel hopeful for the first time since September. The break has allowed me to explore meditation, alternative thinking patterns, engage in cognitive therapy and begin exercise. Many days are still very hard but I have hope now.

I don't know if meds will work for you but please don't stay stuck in your anxiety. It will sabotage your healing. You have a life to live. Get busy😘. Break it down into tiny steps. There is no big picture at this point, just one foot in front of the other.

Again, no one here is stronger than you. We are all struggling together. And you do possess everything you need to complete this. You have support (us!), you have the desire, and you have the will ( or you would not be here!) . I know with my heart that you can absolutely do this. You want to.

In the end that is all you need. My love and hugs to you. Tomorrow is another chance to move forward!

 

Thank you RadDad for all your support and healing words and belief in me along with others in this group. I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and see what I can do to get some help extra help. I am definitely not anti med. I will take something if it can help me thru this taper. I’m so glad to hear you have found some relief my friend  💛

[[Le...]]

That was awesome RadDad!  I am very happy you shared that with us.  Give your wife a big HIGH FIVE for helping.  This is so tricky but what I do know is the med that you were trying to get off was Benzo so mission accomplished?  And I am on Prozac as well and was feeling bad about having to be on it but you definitely helped me to relax about it. Thanks!

[[up...]]

Yeah. That was amazing RadDad. So true and beautiful.

[[up...]]

offandon...please hold on to the hope, loving support and gut sense of truth you feel when you read posts like RadDad’s. I’m going to. He's right, it’s just an anxious fear-based spin cycle of thoughts.

 

I thought it was a doctor or a medical reason why you couldn’t take an SSRI. If you know it works for you, it’s worth it.

 

I went through a trauma in 2014 and on top of the 2mg K, I was prescribed Mirtazipine 15mg (took 1/2 to 1) for sleep and a few months later added 10 mg of Paxil. I took all three. I weaned myself slowly off the mirtazipine last year.  Since my 20’s, I’ve been prescribed SSRIs during anxious/dep episodes I couldn’t climb out of on my own. I’ve been prescribed Zoloft, Celexa, Prozac and Paxil. For me, it’s Paxil. It worked when I wasn’t on Klonopin and it worked when I was, even at a low dose of 10mg. There’s always some initial unpleasant reaction, but this passes in a few days. I obviously need to expand my sig to include past meds but that comes later for now.  Not always, but for now.

[[oc...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

 

Be careful with returning to the hospital .. you cant be sure that the meds they will give you will help you, or make it even worse. Your system has already started to help itself and producing what it needs, - if you add more meds you never know.

 

I lived with those ideas for 5 years, by the way. I had a bag packed under my bed in case I would 1)go crazy 2)not be able to hold on anymore 3)get a break-down... - I had underwear in each bag I took with me for years because I really had to survive minute by minute -

 

so my advice would be: Take that option "to go into a hospital" as an option with you. Its an option. And in case you want to do it, just shift. Tell yourself - just this hour, and then I will decide if I go or not.

 

I know you cannot believe me or others - but we have all been there where you are now. Its unbelievable. Its torture. Still I cannot explain it to someone who has not been there. Its the most cruel place I know.

Darling! You will leave that place and life will be better again. It has been that way for so many of us.

 

Marigold I just feel so stuck and scared. I know in my heart I need to be on an ssri and I wasn’t able to get back on it. I can tell because this has gotten so much worse over the last few weeks when the rain and early dark nights go have set in.

 

I just read thru your thread and I have to tell you that i have been medicated since i was 16 for seizures and i now 44. This medication acts the same way as benzos by regulating gaba receptors so you cant have a seizure. So i also have been medicated almost my whole life.

 

I wanted to come off the seizure medication because i felt that growing old on it was not goign to be good and i was having problems. My doctor obviously knew noting about tapering and she pulled me off the medication very fast.

 

I had all the WD symptoms you listed plus about 20 more where i had been on the medicine for so long. 

 

I went thru very very dark times in the first few months. I got thru that part so far - im not done and have a long way to go before im done but I got thru some of those dark times.

 

If i can get thru it then you can.

 

I'm a 6'4 man that did not ever really get that emotional but i will tell you, the last few months I have been a total mess emotionally.

 

If you can try to find God - meditate - exercise and eat as well as you can. And if you can try not to panic about stuff. I know this is the hardest thing to do because we think our distorted realities are real. But when you are in a panic or depressed to talk to someone who has an objective outlook on stuff.

 

I hope you get thru it.

 

 

[[...]]

Please can I join the suffering together thread. I'm an oldie too,  a very oldie and been suffering a long time. Got some of your symptoms and some  of my own . Stuck in bed. My Drs pshychiatrists wont give me anything to help. Oh well. Maybe that's for the best.

I agree about celaxa. I took it 4 years ago  , just 10 mgs and it was like a miracle. but tried to get back on it, and can't since taking valium. Must make us sensitive to everything. Wish I had stayed on it now.

 

What did it do when you tried to get back on. I’m thinking of going to a hospital and reinstating everything

 

Be careful with returning to the hospital .. you cant be sure that the meds they will give you will help you, or make it even worse. Your system has already started to help itself and producing what it needs, - if you add more meds you never know.

 

I lived with those ideas for 5 years, by the way. I had a bag packed under my bed in case I would 1)go crazy 2)not be able to hold on anymore 3)get a break-down... - I had underwear in each bag I took with me for years because I really had to survive minute by minute -

 

so my advice would be: Take that option "to go into a hospital" as an option with you. Its an option. And in case you want to do it, just shift. Tell yourself - just this hour, and then I will decide if I go or not.

 

I know you cannot believe me or others - but we have all been there where you are now. Its unbelievable. Its torture. Still I cannot explain it to someone who has not been there. Its the most cruel place I know.

Darling! You will leave that place and life will be better again. It has been that way for so many of us.

 

Marigold I just feel so stuck and scared. I know in my heart I need to be on an ssri and I wasn’t able to get back on it. I can tell because this has gotten so much worse over the last few weeks when the rain and early dark nights go have set in.

 

I just read thru your thread and I have to tell you that i have been medicated since i was 16 for seizures and i now 44. This medication acts the same way as benzos by regulating gaba receptors so you cant have a seizure. So i also have been medicated almost my whole life.

 

I wanted to come off the seizure medication because i felt that growing old on it was not goign to be good and i was having problems. My doctor obviously knew noting about tapering and she pulled me off the medication very fast.

 

I had all the WD symptoms you listed plus about 20 more where i had been on the medicine for so long. 

 

I went thru very very dark times in the first few months. I got thru that part so far - im not done and have a long way to go before im done but I got thru some of those dark times.

 

If i can get thru it then you can.

 

I'm a 6'4 man that did not ever really get that emotional but i will tell you, the last few months I have been a total mess emotionally.

 

If you can try to find God - meditate - exercise and eat as well as you can. And if you can try not to panic about stuff. I know this is the hardest thing to do because we think our distorted realities are real. But when you are in a panic or depressed to talk to someone who has an objective outlook on stuff.

 

I hope you get thru it.

  I agree with this post-prayer is a big part of my healing process.