I am ME.....Again

[[ci...]]

I made it, I survived. No more pain, no more fear. At 42 months CT, and I have recovered.

 

And so it began with my encounter with Zolpidem (ambien) in 2011, 10mg nightly for insomnia at the age of 57 years. Biggest mistake of my life. It was subtle at first, within 6 months of taking Zolpidem, I started seeing numerous specialists: Opthamalogist (dry eyes), Gastroenterologist (Obstructed Defecation Syndrome) , Urologist (UTIs). Then December 2013, ER visit for excruciating back pain. A few weeks later, I thought I was dying, my body was on fire, my limbs, torso, head, felt like a road rash burn. My scalp was squeezed. My spine felt like it was in a vise. Pins and needles in my limbs and spine. My midsection felt like it was in a binder. My heartbeat was racing. My body was drenched in sweat. Bladder spasms. Joint pain. My hands and feet were numb. Unable to sleep, unable to sit still, toxic naps.

 

And then as horrific as the physical pain was, I lost my mind, I lost my soul, I lost myself. FEAR ruled me. I was afraid to be alone. Uncontrollable sobbing for hours. Very Dark depression. I was trapped.  I could not escape the physical pain or the mental torture.

 

Then more doctors: Neurologists, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Rheumatologist, Cardiologist, Surgeon, PCPs. The medical tests: CT Scans, MRIs, EMGs, EKGs, Heart Monitor, Qsart, blood work, cystoscopy.  Then unnecessary surgery: gallbladder removed. I thought I was dying, ALS? MS?  This was the darkest time for me, not knowing what was wrong with me. All tests were negative, and I was convinced I was dying. So I wrote letters to my loved ones.

 

Then the answer came. My precious daughter, Lucy, researched on line and discovered I was in tolerance WD from Zolpidem. What a relief, I was not dying, I was going to live. I foolishly CT. The second biggest mistake of my life.

 

Then, I discovered BB. I set up my support system. I read Baylissa's book. I had HOPE. I knew w/o a doubt that all my weird and bizarre symptoms were due to WD, and I believed that with time and more time, I would heal. I realized there was no doctor, no pill, nothing but time that could heal me.

 

The first year was pure hell, no other words to describe it. But then very slowly symptoms started to fade away, lessen. The mental symptoms left before the physical ones. I had a very special BB friend, "M" , that got me through that first year. She saved my life...

 

So, how did I make it? How did I survive it? First of all, I was not strong, I was weak and afraid, but I always had that HOPE, and I had Acceptance. I could accept that I was going to be Crazy for awhile. And I held onto that Hope that I would heal, that I would be OK. I reached out to all of you, for that hope.  Distraction helped, I would walk and talk to myself.

 

I was fortunate to have two loved ones that believed me, my daughter and my husband. Because no one else (except my BB friends) did. No one else understood the pain , the torture. They were there for me always. I needed hugs all the time. And my daughter spent hours on the phone with me, just listening. I realize I was a handful, because during the horrors of WD, it was all about me and my misery.  But my friends and most others could not deal with me.

 

I am so thankful to all my BB friends. I pray for your healing, like me, you will get your life back.

 

I have my life back, I can work, I can love, I can be the wife, mother, Grandma, and friend I want to be again.

 

I am ME Again.

 

Always, Cindy

 

 

 

 

[[Jo...]]

Wow - Cindys - I am so happy for you! You are the first success story from someone I "know"/ dialogued with over BB.  You were one of the few people in the small Z-drug boat with me and could speak to my own experience.  Your input/ encouragement/ and story means more to me than you know.  Like you- I'm battling all the inner demons that tell me this is some insidious disease that I will never recover from-- but because of your story I too have HOPE.  I know you've suffered tremendously - but I thank you for turning that suffering into a shining light of positivity for guys like me.  I hope the next chapter in your life is filled with much joy and happiness.

[[Vi...]]

What a beautiful story Cindy!!! Congratulations to you and thank you for coming back and give us a much needed hope who are still in it.

Enjoy life

Hugs

Vica

[[...]]

So happy for you Cindy, I have followed your progress and I know how you suffered. Just a correction... you were strong, bloody strong!! I'm 42 months today and still relate to everything you wrote. Praying for it to leave for me too. You give me hope and of course we all heal differently. Thanks for writing your story. Hugs 

[[Te...]]

So wonderful to read, cindys!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

The grip of fear and death is still on me. I'm afraid it will be with me until this is over with. I'm so happy that you got through it to live on the other side, where the fear from these drugs is nonexistent. How I hope to be in your shoes one day!!!  :thumbsup:

[[pi...]]

[move]Congratulations Cindys!![/move]

 

It's so wonderful to read about your wellness. You've endured so much and for such a long time, this wellness is for you to savor and enjoy.  Thanks to your daughter for looking into what was wrong and finding the real issues.  Thanks to your husband for being there for you, mine was my rock during withdrawal and recovery.

 

I echo what was said earlier, you are strong, and a warrior! 

 

pianogirl

[[Ho...]]

Thank you for this story. It gives me hope.

 

It is amazing how we are left with only a couple of real true loved one that believe our horror. Thank God you had your precious daughter and husband.

 

Blessings to you.

[[ro...]]

huge congrats! enjoy your much deserved freedom!

[[So...]]

Congratulations !!  What a long road you traveled....BUT..You did it!

[[La...]]

What a great Success Story! Congratulations to you! Thank you for telling your story so eloquently and for sharing it with us. I wish you well. 

 

 

[Guest [ba...]]

Congratulations!!  Your story will help to inspire many others.  Thanks for posting it.

[[Be...]]

This is so wonderful. A huge congrats Cindys! You've done it. Victory is sweet, isn't it?

 

You are absolutely right what you said about Hope, Acceptance, and being Crazy for a while. That's been my way of getting through this. I also talk out loud to myself to give myself pep talks. I'm still in it but one day I won't be.

 

Now it's time for the rest of your splendid life. Go and enjoy :) .

 

Becky 

[[Kl...]]

Congrats cindy!

[[so...]]

Dear Cindy,

 

Tears streaming down my face.  I’ve been waiting and praying for this success story.  Now it is here written in virtual stone.

 

God bless you my sweet friend.  You have always lifted me up when I couldn’t walk.  I wanted this moment and heaven opened up today.  I cannot express the joy I feel.  I wish I could.  Maybe you can just hear my blubbering inside the lines I write. 

 

Love you,

 

Sofa

[[ja...]]

Congratulations!!!!! Thank you for sharing your story!! So, so happy for you!!!

 

Love Jackie :smitten:

[[Pi...]]

Cindy,

Sending you my heartfelt thank you for sharing your success story with us. Your story is very inspiring and definitely gives me and those who are still in the midst of withdrawal process lots of hope that in time we will also recover and regain our normal life. You are sooooooo blessed to have your daughter and husband understand, love and supported you while going through the hard time during your withdrawal.

 

God bless you my fellow benzo warrior!

 

Pi

 

 

[[...]]

Congrats, Cindy! 

Thank you so much for posting this and, also, for all your ongoing support/encouragement for all us worn down longtermers.  It means a lot.

Wishing you all the best, enjoy!

[[Ar...]]

So happy for you!  Finally!  Thank you for sharing your success with those of us that need encouragement, that  "Yes, we will heal!" Wishing you lots of joy and love. 

[[al...]]

I am so glad that you reached a point in recovery where you felt that you wanted to post a success story. This is great news! I remember how hard of a time you had from posts a long time ago. Ambien can really mess you up. It starts off as a harmless friend and then can turn on you before you even know what is happening. Once that happens, you are in for a very hard time and you most certainly can testify to that. Don't get freaked out if out of the blue you experience a bit of relapse from time to time at least the trend will be toward greater and greater healing.

[[Be...]]

Yay. Congratulations.

 

I am so happy for you

 

Benzofree001

[[ne...]]

Wow....just wow!  Congratulations and thanks for writing this.

[[bu...]]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am new here and I came for support to come off Zolpidem/Ambien.  I just started a slow taper.  Your post gives me hope that I can be successful because I am honestly scared to do this. 

 

Wish me luck!

[[...]]

Thanks for sharing!  I sure need this kind of hope right now.

 

Keep healing! 

 

Mcs

[[dr...]]

Glad to read this Cindy. We both went off the poison at the same time.  I'm just plodding along at 42 months and waiting to join you on the other side.

[[Fi...]]

Cindy... I am so glad to read of your happy ending. You fought the good fight and won.