Obsessed by getting older

[[Re...]]

Yes! Thank you for posting about this. I'm 44 and suddenly obsessing about aging. Before withdrawal it didn't bother me. It certainly doesn't help that it feels like I've physically aged 20 years in the last year alone. I look like a completely different person. I know that partly it's due to my entire body being sick for so long from withdrawals that I feel like I'm dying. I look in the mirror and all I can see is pain, suffering, decay and death. It's impossible to feel good about yourself during this. I hope we all come out of this feeling much differently. Everyone keeps saying this is temporary but it feel so overwhelmingly permanent.

 

I agree.  I'm 48.5 years old and have many fears I'm trying to deal with.  If I didn't have to work, I could focus on getting well and I think that would be a big help.  I have a stressful job and must provide for my family.  I'm exhausted.  I was having a rough time with insomnia before benzos now I've been 6 months with even worse sleep; albeit with some windows for my other symptoms.  It's a hard thing to do, dealing with withdrawal syndrome.....

 

-RST

[[Hu...]]

oh my this is what i call the duct tape effect. 101 uses and still going on. I was hesitant to even ask about this symptom because I thought it was just me. I heard so many doctors tell me I,m just getting old that I started to believe it I,m 58 and lost the last eight years of my life sedated on these drugs. It' like Iwoke up and I was old!! I had to train myself to stop looking in the mirror every time I passed by one . It helps and I am sure this bs will stop too. Just feel like time is so urgent and I find myself asking my 4 siblings. do you hurt everyday do you sleep do you wake up planning your day do you still love have plans for the future feel anything? I had to stop and keep it to myself because it's too weird. all I can do is wait till I getbetter and keep a low profile. take care. I,m lucky I only lost 8 years. God bless you who have lost so much more

[[Gr...]]

I am so glad I found this thread! I'm in the same boat and wondered if these thoughts would go away with time. They are SO depressing and hopeless at times... like why bother planning too much in the future as my husband and I don't have too much longer to live. Or feeling that I'm so old and it's just going to get worse. Gosh, I hate these kinds of thoughts and didn't have them before withdrawal.

 

But there is hope! 

[[In...]]

Hi Simone!  Wow!  You have hit the nail on the head with this. I am 63 now.  I have thoughts of so many lost years all the time. I never thought if any of this while on this horrible drug. Niw, I think about how many years I have left and how much I have lost since I jumped off these pills. I hope someday these thoughts will vanish and I can just think how lucky I am to still be alive and off of the lorazepam.  I have lost my mom and a few friends during this withdrawal and am now just being able to grieve for them.  I was so busy feeling so horrible and lost in the grip of this hell that even my moms passing didn't seem real. That is so sad to me now as I loved her so very much and wasn't able to be there beside her when she left.  I was so very sick and I just can't forgive myself yet. I hope  that feeling will pass someday as I know she knew how much I loved her. Thank you for validating these thoughts as I thought I was all alone feeling like this. I am going into my 17 th month off of these pills and I really hope healing comes now as I'm exhausted from everything.

[[pu...]]

Yes! Thank you for posting about this. I'm 44 and suddenly obsessing about aging. Before withdrawal it didn't bother me. It certainly doesn't help that it feels like I've physically aged 20 years in the last year alone. I look like a completely different person. I know that partly it's due to my entire body being sick for so long from withdrawals that I feel like I'm dying. I look in the mirror and all I can see is pain, suffering, decay and death. It's impossible to feel good about yourself during this. I hope we all come out of this feeling much differently. Everyone keeps saying this is temporary but it feel so overwhelmingly permanent.

 

I agree.  I'm 48.5 years old and have many fears I'm trying to deal with.  If I didn't have to work, I could focus on getting well and I think that would be a big help.  I have a stressful job and must provide for my family.  I'm exhausted.  I was having a rough time with insomnia before benzos now I've been 6 months with even worse sleep; albeit with some windows for my other symptoms.  It's a hard thing to do, dealing with withdrawal syndrome.....

 

-RST

 

I don't want to sound ungrateful or have you take this wrong way... but I am not working and I want to and need to so bad but this completely derailed my career. I'm going to have to start from scratch and in a completely new direction. I honestly dream of working. Not being able to work, losing my career, also not being in daily contact with others, is actually pretty stressful in it's own way. I pick up odd jobs and it feels like I'm literally going no where. So just keep in mind maybe the grass is always greener, and don't beat yourself up over it!

 

You should be v proud of yourself for working through this, that is huge.

[[Re...]]

Yes! Thank you for posting about this. I'm 44 and suddenly obsessing about aging. Before withdrawal it didn't bother me. It certainly doesn't help that it feels like I've physically aged 20 years in the last year alone. I look like a completely different person. I know that partly it's due to my entire body being sick for so long from withdrawals that I feel like I'm dying. I look in the mirror and all I can see is pain, suffering, decay and death. It's impossible to feel good about yourself during this. I hope we all come out of this feeling much differently. Everyone keeps saying this is temporary but it feel so overwhelmingly permanent.

 

I agree.  I'm 48.5 years old and have many fears I'm trying to deal with.  If I didn't have to work, I could focus on getting well and I think that would be a big help.  I have a stressful job and must provide for my family.  I'm exhausted.  I was having a rough time with insomnia before benzos now I've been 6 months with even worse sleep; albeit with some windows for my other symptoms.  It's a hard thing to do, dealing with withdrawal syndrome.....

 

-RST

 

I don't want to sound ungrateful or have you take this wrong way... but I am not working and I want to and need to so bad but this completely derailed my career. I'm going to have to start from scratch and in a completely new direction. I honestly dream of working. Not being able to work, losing my career, also not being in daily contact with others, is actually pretty stressful in it's own way. I pick up odd jobs and it feels like I'm literally going no where. So just keep in mind maybe the grass is always greener, and don't beat yourself up over it!

 

You should be v proud of yourself for working through this, that is huge.

 

I don't take it the wrong way at all.  I'm grateful for what I have and you make an excellent point.  I just wish that I didn't have the constant pressure to have to work.  If I had the choice that would make it easier.  The condition of being so debilitated as to be unable to work, or wanting to work and having little opportunity is a different story entirely. 

 

What I do requires a sharp mind for detail and the ability to think quickly in dynamic situations with multiple variables all in flux and so when I haven't slept much, sometimes for days on end, and I'm in pain, etcetera, I really, really struggle.  I know we are all struggling in our own ways.  I guess I'm saying that my job has always been challenging and now this benzo burden has really made it difficult.

 

But here I am.  I am still working.  That is something I AM proud of.

 

Thank you very much for reminding me to consider all the different perspectives on a situation and that the glass may be half full when all one perceives is the half empty part.

 

-RST

[[ly...]]

 

 

I know this feeling well.  I started taking benzos at 32 and woke up at 56 when I started tapering.  A lot was lost.  I had every plan of setting the world on fire...but I crashed and burned and somehow almost 25yrs went by.  I just finished my taper and I am 59.  I don't dwell on what was lost (and it sure was a lot).  I am just so happy to be "alive" again and filled with hope and optimism.  The worst thing we can do is to wreck our "today" over things that can't be changed.  I plan to live every minute to the fullest.  I've done some things over those years of not caring if I lived or died that have most definitely impaired my health and shortened my life.  I'm going to make the most of what of it is left.

[[Si...]]

 

 

I know this feeling well.  I started taking benzos at 32 and woke up at 56 when I started tapering.  A lot was lost.  I had every plan of setting the world on fire...but I crashed and burned and somehow almost 25yrs went by.  I just finished my taper and I am 59.  I don't dwell on what was lost (and it sure was a lot).  I am just so happy to be "alive" again and filled with hope and optimism.  The worst thing we can do is to wreck our "today" over things that can't be changed.  I plan to live every minute to the fullest.  I've done some things over those years of not caring if I lived or died that have most definitely impaired my health and shortened my life.  I'm going to make the most of what of it is left.

 

Hi Lynn,

 

I just saw your signature and it says you are doing great. Happy for you! But that means your thinking isn't really out of whack (anymore). Mine still is and for many of us it still is.....I hope we start thinking like you now and we get filled with hope and optimism like you. But for now I don't, we don't....

[[ly...]]

 

 

I know this feeling well.  I started taking benzos at 32 and woke up at 56 when I started tapering.  A lot was lost.  I had every plan of setting the world on fire...but I crashed and burned and somehow almost 25yrs went by.  I just finished my taper and I am 59.  I don't dwell on what was lost (and it sure was a lot).  I am just so happy to be "alive" again and filled with hope and optimism.  The worst thing we can do is to wreck our "today" over things that can't be changed.  I plan to live every minute to the fullest.  I've done some things over those years of not caring if I lived or died that have most definitely impaired my health and shortened my life.  I'm going to make the most of what of it is left.

 

Hi Lynn,

 

I just saw your signature and it says you are doing great. Happy for you! But that means your thinking isn't really out of whack (anymore). Mine still is and for many of us it still is.....I hope we start thinking like you now and we get filled with hope and optimism like you. But for now I don't, we don't....

 

I know how hard it can be when one is in the midst of awful depression - it can be impossible to see any "good".  But I get the impression here that it is not the depression causing many of these destructive thoughts.  People without clinical depression can get wrapped up in negative thought patterns  I do believe that nonproductive thinking can be changed. 

[[Si...]]

 

 

I know this feeling well.  I started taking benzos at 32 and woke up at 56 when I started tapering.  A lot was lost.  I had every plan of setting the world on fire...but I crashed and burned and somehow almost 25yrs went by.  I just finished my taper and I am 59.  I don't dwell on what was lost (and it sure was a lot).  I am just so happy to be "alive" again and filled with hope and optimism.  The worst thing we can do is to wreck our "today" over things that can't be changed.  I plan to live every minute to the fullest.  I've done some things over those years of not caring if I lived or died that have most definitely impaired my health and shortened my life.  I'm going to make the most of what of it is left.

 

Hi Lynn,

 

I just saw your signature and it says you are doing great. Happy for you! But that means your thinking isn't really out of whack (anymore). Mine still is and for many of us it still is.....I hope we start thinking like you now and we get filled with hope and optimism like you. But for now I don't, we don't....

 

I know how hard it can be when one is in the midst of awful depression - it can be impossible to see any "good".  But I get the impression here that it is not the depression causing many of these destructive thoughts.  People without clinical depression can get wrapped up in negative thought patterns  I do believe that nonproductive thinking can be changed.

 

Yes, I just don't know if I'm depressed or the weird thinking makes me feel that low...our thinking is distorted for sure as many people feel this way about getting older.

[[Co...]]

Simone, I'm glad you started this thread.  It's nice to know I'm not alone in experiencing this bizarre symptom.  It's  really entirely separate from depression, but certainly contributes to depression.  It's a really unique phenomenon - it's more than a simple fear of getting older or a feeling of getting older.  Like many of the awful ways the benzo damage manifests in our minds, it's just impossible to quantify or describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. 

 

I hope this gets better for us all soon - it's hard to bear. 

[[Oc...]]

Funny I wasn't on for as long as most of the posters, but I have had the exact same feelings.  Especially about my hair and the loss of it.

[[2t...]]

This thinking is most defiantly a benzo thing as I never had it before tapering.

I sold my business a few years ago and was happy then 11 months later was diagnosed with cancer, this threw me into a world of anxiety but I still was looking at the future ( they say the cancer I have is not life threatening ). The anxiety I had during treatment was why I started benzos, during my taper and for the last 5 months I have constantly worried about how much time I have left (I am now 61) and look at people and calculate if I have more or less time than they do, If I think about cars I start to wonder how many more cars will own in my life time and it always is not many.

I do think this is something many of us have and am sure we will get over it the same as we will get over health anxiety and other things.

It is such a real feeling at the time though.

 

2trusting

 

[Guest [ch...]]

 

 

I know this feeling well.  I started taking benzos at 32 and woke up at 56 when I started tapering.  A lot was lost.  I had every plan of setting the world on fire...but I crashed and burned and somehow almost 25yrs went by.  I just finished my taper and I am 59.  I don't dwell on what was lost (and it sure was a lot).  I am just so happy to be "alive" again and filled with hope and optimism.  The worst thing we can do is to wreck our "today" over things that can't be changed.  I plan to live every minute to the fullest.  I've done some things over those years of not caring if I lived or died that have most definitely impaired my health and shortened my life.  I'm going to make the most of what of it is left.

 

That's a great attitude! You did a good taper and now you're off and still young (I'm 60 and still feel young). Enjoy life!

 

CP

[[on...]]

Wow- this thread resonates with me. I have thought so much about my own mortality this last year. I buried my father in April and thought about the younger version of him and how quickly that was gone. Growing old is cruel.  I started xanax at age 29 and wasted thirty years of my life on it. I am now 14 months free  at age 61  and I am SO grateful for that but I can't help but think of the years lost to xanax. I just hope I have a few good years  left where I can enjoy life free of that dependence and the horrible feelings of interdose withdrawal I suffered from for so many years without knowing what was wrong with me . We can only push forward in life - we can't undo the past. But that doesn't mean I am not saddened by the years lost and the fact that the majority of my good years are behind me.

[[Gr...]]

OTRM - I totally understand where your coming from. Such a waste this time in withdrawal has been I thought, but then I realized how it's changed me - so much for the better. I struggle with way too many thoughts being turned into focusing on my shortened life because of this - it's morbid! But I truly believe that this is all withdrawal because I didn't do this before even when I was depressed.

 

We ALL are going to get through this and lose this morbid thinking. We are all survivors. 

[[Ba...]]

 

I thought I was on benzos for life, but then mirtaz. threw me into hellacious withdrawal and kinda figure need to come off everything, altho benzos were the only meds that helped me.  They did NOT cause me problems I am aware of.

 

Now withdrawal, feeling you can' do things, being alone, that is scary scary as an older person.  Is hould be out and about figuring out where to live as an oldster... but am stuck in tiny house size of sm apt.

 

Feel very vulnerable.

 

Not even positive getting off is what I need to do, altho I do keep tapering. 

 

sigh

[[Ri...]]

Ditto to everyone above. I never thought about aging until I went into withdrawal. I am 49!!

 

Trying to stay positive about just being alive and enjoying my life:-)

[[Sw...]]

Been feeling like this for a few years. When I was 55 years old I started taking Rivitrol, 15 years later I've just turned 70 years old. I'm in shock, can hardly believe time has gone so quickly. I used to be a very positive optimistic person and I'm working to regain the mindset I used to have. The benzos have taken so much and it's a struggle to get through this. With all the anxiety and numerous other symptoms I'm hoping it won't be too much longer before I am through this. Almost 27 months post withdrawal.

[[bo...]]

Well , I'm only going to sound like an echo , but this was so good to read.. I'm 64 and  lost 40 years to benzos.. ( am two months off)  while on the one  hand I am seeing life in colour now ( well pastel at least!) instead of black and white , on the other hand I am obsessive about runing out of time and not having 'enough' left ! On a rational level I totally understand we are all going to die , but I need more time! During withdrawal my health anxiety sky rocketed . Now it's a dull roar..!! unfortunately of course the sx are still around and each time they hit I think I'm going to die! Pathetic and driving me nuts ......every day working on not 'waiting to die ' ... i'm sure it will pass... x

[[...]]

...This is most definatly me....I have never bothered about my age or the fact I'm getting older ( I'm 40 ) but since withdrawing it takes over my thoughts sometimes....I find myself feel in thought about where the last few years have gone and how I'm getting older and it scares the s**t out of me , something that's never bothered me at all...I hope it passes as normally I don't care, I just go with the flow...

[[SS...]]

wow - seems this impacts people regardless of how long they took the medication.  i prepared a will and power of attorney, assembled all my asset information , etc and gave copies to my sisters and parents.  i was only on valium a short time but i feel like i lost all of 2017 between being on it and going through withdrawal and realizing there are many months ahead still with recovery.  i lost 5 years in a battle with lymes disease - so - i already felt like i lost the 2nd half of my 30s and now year 41/42 have been lost to this...... but not only is there an emotional component - i have physically aged 10 yrs in a few months...... my once vibrant body is old and withered.  people used to tell me i looked like a barbie and guessed i was 10 yrs younger than i was...... i pray we all get restored both mentally and physically once we are through this....

[[Re...]]

wow - seems this impacts people regardless of how long they took the medication.  i prepared a will and power of attorney, assembled all my asset information , etc and gave copies to my sisters and parents.  i was only on valium a short time but i feel like i lost all of 2017 between being on it and going through withdrawal and realizing there are many months ahead still with recovery.  i lost 5 years in a battle with lymes disease - so - i already felt like i lost the 2nd half of my 30s and now year 41/42 have been lost to this...... but not only is there an emotional component - i have physically aged 10 yrs in a few months...... my once vibrant body is old and withered.  people used to tell me i looked like a barbie and guessed i was 10 yrs younger than i was...... i pray we all get restored both mentally and physically once we are through this....

 

I'm sorry you experienced all that. I completely relate to aging really fast in a short time. It's a loss and feels terrible. xoxo

[[Ba...]]

Yes, used to be told I looked 10 years younger.

 

I sure don't look younger now.

 

Being sick for so long really takes a toll.

[[Si...]]

Are there more people recognizing this?