This Depression is killing me!

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[[am...]]

It will go Keryn,

 

try to hang in there and remember it's not you,  it's a chemically induced depression.  I had it so bad a few days ago.

 

 

You're gonna get through it!

 

 

James

[[Pa...]]

Hi keryn,

 

I was on Lexepro before I quit benzo's and like a dummy, I thought I wanted to be drug free 5 months into my withdrawals, so I tapered off of it.  Wow, what came next was awful, it was so cold and dark I was afraid for my life.  I decided to go back to taking Prozac because it was cheaper and I'd taken it years before with no problem.  The next 5 weeks were hell, I was nauseous all of the time and the darkness just wouldn't lift.  Finally I went back to Lexepro and things got much better. 

 

The reason I told you this story is because we don't know how we're going to react to stuff when we're going through benzo withdrawal.  I'd hate to see you feel worse, more depressed or anxious by taking an A/D.  But if you feel you need to do this, then we'll support you.  You might want to avoid naps, I've heard they can be pretty toxic.

 

 

Pam

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My Mom had schizophrenia and was given Risperdal and she was horribly depressed on it, but when they added an A/D to it she was much better.  I agree though, that adding or subtracting other drugs at this time is not a good idea.  I hope you can get things better by avoiding the naps, I couldn't take them, I was too afraid to mess with my nighttime sleep.

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I'm sorry Keryn, I know the horror of mental illness, I watched it in my mother.  She finally took her own life to escape it but I was never angry with her for doing that, she made the only choice she felt she had left.  She'd been taken off the the A/D at that time, so that's why I'm such a proponent of A/D's for those truly in need.  It runs in my family as well and when I hit withdrawals, I thought it had come for me too.  Please take care of yourself and do what you can do to keep yourself safe. 

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No need to explain, I watched it in my Mom, it broke my heart.    I'm glad you're able to control your Schizo-affective disorder, so little is understood and there is so much fear and misinformation in the general public, it brings shame to families instead of compassion.  I'm very sorry to hear about your Father, I read a little about him on another thread, life is difficult for everyone when there is mental illness in the family.

[[Be...]]

My heart goes out to you Keryn    And to you, Pamster.  Dealing with mental illness within the family is incredibly difficult for all concerned. 

 

Keryn, with regards to the nasty depression you mentioned, rest assured that it is benzo induced.  I got hit with it a few months after taking Klonopin and it was horrid!  It has started to ease up a lot now that I am off, but it still pops up every now and again.  Just know that you will heal from this, hun.

 

 

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this is like a deep depression that is just horrible.

 

 

Same here, hun.  When it hits I feel consumed by despair and just want to sob my heart out.  It's just horrid!!

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It was that way for me too, it was dark and scary, I almost couldn't breathe I was so afraid. 

[[ic...]]

Just wanted to chime in on the depression topic by letting you know I had it major also. It was very dark and consuming - like everything in the world just sucked (including myself) and there was no hope at all. I remember being over taken with sobbing and feeling like I had a hole in my chest. The good news is that after a couple of days it lifted fast - like someone pulled the covers off and the daylight rushed in. Others on this board also have told me the same thing, so I'm hoping yours will lift quickly too.

 

When it does, just forget all about it - put it out of your mind. It wasn't you  - you are being possessed! so don't give it another thought.

 

Best,

ican

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Well, Keryn,

 

I seem to be running into you in all sorts of places that I need to visit.  I too have suffered with depression in the past... mostly since I was born.  (An attempt at humor, although the statment is true!)  My father was Paranoid Schizophrenic and spent most of my sophomore year of High School in a State Mental Institution.  At least then there was a diagnosis.  Before that, I just thought all men were like him, cruel and not able to be understood, changing in a moment from one kind of person to another.  He never would take his medicine after he was released.  The paranoia was too deep.  I loved him though.  I know with all my heart that he did the best he could with what he had to work with.  And that is the best any of us can do.  I am not writing this so you will know about me or my family.  I tell you this to say that I do understand some of your past and you may understand some of my future... as I start to titrate the Clonazepam in November.  May God in His great love reach to us and bring healing.  I don't know if this is inappropriate to have written here.  (I have a feeling I will find out if so!!!)  But, I just wanted to "come along side of you" and say, "You are not alone, not ever."  

 

Many thoughts of caring and hope for your complete healing,

Your Old Friend by now, Lily

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I don't know if I've just eben lucky or if I was used to it from pre-med situations to where it wasn't as new to me.  Probably a little of both.

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Well, Keryn,

 

I seem to be running into you in all sorts of places that I need to visit.  I too have suffered with depression in the past... mostly since I was born.  (An attempt at humor, although the statment is true!)  My father was Paranoid Schizophrenic and spent most of my sophomore year of High School in a State Mental Institution.  At least then there was a diagnosis.  Before that, I just thought all men were like him, cruel and not able to be understood, changing in a moment from one kind of person to another.  He never would take his medicine after he was released.  The paranoia was too deep.  I loved him though.  I know with all my heart that he did the best he could with what he had to work with.  And that is the best any of us can do.  I am not writing this so you will know about me or my family.  I tell you this to say that I do understand some of your past and you may understand some of my future... as I start to titrate the Clonazepam in November.  May God in His great love reach to us and bring healing.  I don't know if this is inappropriate to have written here.  (I have a feeling I will find out if so!!!)  But, I just wanted to "come along side of you" and say, "You are not alone, not ever."  

 

Many thoughts of caring and hope for your complete healing,

Your Old Friend by now, Lily

 

Hi Lily,

 

Statements like these are appropriate if the member whose thread you're expressing them in has indicated they feel similarly, its just common courtesy in my opinion to know enough about the person to know if they would appreciate it.  In fact, I wouldn't have jumped in here to explain it to you, if you hadn't questioned it.  We do have the Faith and Philosophy board for those who would like to express how their faith is helping them deal with benzodiazepine withdrawal, but small expressions here and there are fine. 

 

Pam

[[Li...]]

Thank you Pam,

 

Actually, I had seen that Keryn had signed up in on the Faith and Philosophy board on the growing prayer list started by Optimist, so I felt that it would be acceptable to him.  I have been familiarizing myself this week with the different boards and how they are to be used.  There seems to sometimes be some overlap in the posting I have seen, so I am trying to get it straight!  I appreciate your clarification on this and agree with you and the BB stance.

 

Partly my statement, of whether or not it was appropriate, was for the inclusion of so much of my life history, since this thread is about Keryn, not me.  I hoped that by knowing "where" I come from, he would believe I do know some of what he is going through and so it would be of more comfort and support.  Nothing more, nothing less, just that.

 

By the way, I love that smiling kitty you have as your avatar!  Sweet! 

 

Thank you for all the great work you are doing here on BB!

Lily

 

 

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Pam, it is ok for lily to write that

I am in the Philosophy and Faith section.

Thanks Lily.

 

Keryn.

 

 

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Pam has a Cheshire cat

 

 

[[ic...]]

Hi Keryn,

 

No general or deep bouts of depression anymore, it was all benzo related and went away months ago. I do suffer a little about once a month, from hormone fluctuations, but it only lasts a few days and now that  I know what it is,  I don't get so upset about it. I just find myself holding my tongue quite often and taking a lot of deep breathes 

 

ican