Crushing Depression

[[am...]]

http://www.sevhs.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/depressed-garfield.jpg

 

 

I had been doing so well, physical sxs have gotten much better, mental faculty has improved greatly,

all in time for me to enjoy this crushing depression.  This is awful...............................................

 

 

I want to be happy,  I should be, I manage to do loads of cool things,  but I can't smile or be happy.

 

 

My happy chems are dead    why won't they kick in (I know why chemically) man this is enough already.

[[st...]]

James,  I wish I knew the solution.  I have battled depression on and off throughout my taper.  Right now am in the midst of the battle again.  I too so much want to enjoy life again.  At times I fear I never will.  We both would do well to remember that our brains have really been messed up by these benzo and need more time to right themselves than we had hoped.  Hang in there.  Those who have gone before us say it will get better, we must believe and not lose hope, Darrin

[[Me...]]

James,

If it's any consolation you have a great sense of humor  (with your pic).  Thanks for putting that on here.  It cheered me up because boy can I relate.  Not to make light of your situation buddie.  I have had bad depression too.  My worst in this is the anxiety.  It's all awful.  I think that Darrin is right.  We forget that our brains are scrambled (temporarily) from this.  I think it's great that you are able to do things.  Just keep focusing on that and the depression will right itself.  It's just so hard to be patient in this.  I'm tired of hearing this myself but time is the great healer.

 

[[Ki...]]

I went through this myself this past week or so. "Crushing" is the perfect word for it. I have battled depression and anxiety since early childhood, but I can assure you of this...benzo depression and anxiety is WAY different. These meds mess up our CNS so badly, that our brains are struggling to "right" themselves. I'm on my 2nd taper, so I KNOW this to be true. I healed the first time, and know I will heal again. But when I'm feeling it, when it's happening "NOW", it is 99% impossible to believe it is due to the benzos, because it feels so much like it's "ME". But trust me...it is NOT! 

 

This is what I call a "chemical" depression (or anxiety). When I get the anxiety, it is so horrific, I think "Man, I'd rather have the depression, than this". Then when the depression hits, I think "Man, I'd rather have the anxiety, than this". It's back and forth, back and forth, for me. But in between are moments that aren't as bad, and I have to remind myself that I healed after a VERY rapid taper the first time, and am now tapering slowly and correctly, so I will heal again.

 

I was in such a deep, dark nothing-is-good-all-is-bleak depression, that NOTHING could even make me smile. Not even a Mona Lisa smile, and I'm normally a "silly type" person. It passed, though. I'm sure it will return when I make another cut, or just "whenever it does", but I DO know that it will also pass. Being on a 2nd taper is not a good thing, but at least I have the benefit of knowing that I got through it the first time under WORSE circumstances, so I KNOW I will get through this. Just as I KNOW every single person going through this, WILL heal. I definitely believe that every person will heal. Not always in the same time bracket, but we will ALL heal, eventually.

 

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. You only need to exist to get through this. Regardless of how bad each of us feels, our CNS will heal. This happens not by us "doing anything" to make it happen. Tapering off is how to heal. Once off, the healing continues and that is how we heal. Time. Time. Time. We need do NOTHING but wait it out, in order to heal.

 

We can certainly do things to ease it, we can be kind to ourselves and remind ourselves that it will be over one day, but healing WILL happen, whether we believe it will, or not. Because believing we aren't going to heal has nothing to do with whether we heal or not.

 

We're going to heal, regardless. I know this because I lived it. I know on my first taper, I was at times scared to death I wasn't going to make it, that I wasn't going to heal. But I DID. And I didn't do ANYTHING to make that happen, except EXIST.

 

This WILL pass. We will all get through this. 

[[Ka...]]

I went through this myself this past week or so. "Crushing" is the perfect word for it. I have battled depression and anxiety since early childhood, but I can assure you of this...benzo depression and anxiety is WAY different. These meds mess up our CNS so badly, that our brains are struggling to "right" themselves. I'm on my 2nd taper, so I KNOW this to be true. I healed the first time, and know I will heal again. But when I'm feeling it, when it's happening "NOW", it is 99% impossible to believe it is due to the benzos, because it feels so much like it's "ME". But trust me...it is NOT! 

 

This is what I call a "chemical" depression (or anxiety). When I get the anxiety, it is so horrific, I think "Man, I'd rather have the depression, than this". Then when the depression hits, I think "Man, I'd rather have the anxiety, than this". It's back and forth, back and forth, for me. But in between are moments that aren't as bad, and I have to remind myself that I healed after a VERY rapid taper the first time, and am now tapering slowly and correctly, so I will heal again.

 

I was in such a deep, dark nothing-is-good-all-is-bleak depression, that NOTHING could even make me smile. Not even a Mona Lisa smile, and I'm normally a "silly type" person. It passed, though. I'm sure it will return when I make another cut, or just "whenever it does", but I DO know that it will also pass. Being on a 2nd taper is not a good thing, but at least I have the benefit of knowing that I got through it the first time under WORSE circumstances, so I KNOW I will get through this. Just as I KNOW every single person going through this, WILL heal. I definitely believe that every person will heal. Not always in the same time bracket, but we will ALL heal, eventually.

 

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. You only need to exist to get through this. Regardless of how bad each of us feels, our CNS will heal. This happens not by us "doing anything" to make it happen. Tapering off is how to heal. Once off, the healing continues and that is how we heal. Time. Time. Time. We need do NOTHING but wait it out, in order to heal.

 

We can certainly do things to ease it, we can be kind to ourselves and remind ourselves that it will be over one day, but healing WILL happen, whether we believe it will, or not. Because believing we aren't going to heal has nothing to do with whether we heal or not.

 

We're going to heal, regardless. I know this because I lived it. I know on my first taper, I was at times scared to death I wasn't going to make it, that I wasn't going to heal. But I DID. And I didn't do ANYTHING to make that happen, except EXIST.

 

This WILL pass. We will all get through this. 

 

this was a great post, Kimba thank you.  Gave me some hope.  when you wrote about when you have the depression, you think "god , I'd prefer the anxiety"  and then when you have the anxiety  "god, I wish had the depression instead"  that is EXACTLY what I deal with on a daily basis..  the worst of course is when they feed each other at the same time and thus there's no peace at all in your mind or body.  ugh.  I hope you're right that we'll all heal and be happy individuals no matter what so long as we just exist.  When put that way, it helps you just keep "existing" when you'd prefer to just not exist anymore and let the suffering end.

[[Mi...]]

Hopefully you're better soon.  In my life many times I considered myself to be in a major depression and every time when I find my way out of it I feel much better than EVER before.

[[am...]]

Thank you for your replies.  The depression lifted this morning after a long long (broken) sleep.

 

Welcome back physical symptoms.

[[Be...]]

Hang in there, James.

 

I suffer from bouts of nasty depression since taking benzos, but things have really improved over the last two months, and they will for you too!!

[[am...]]

Thanks Bev,

 

was depression free for 3 days, feeling great, almost normal.  This morning I had some green tea and the depression came back 30 mins later,  fortuantely it has gone again and I feel almost wonderful. 

 

Moral of the story,  no green tea.

 

 

Hope this feeling lasts.

 

 

James

[[Mi...]]

Isn't green tea one of the things some suggest to actually help depression?  Was thinkign I saw it mentioned somewhere a while back.

[[Be...]]

Hope this feeling lasts.

 

 

I hope so too, hun. 

[[am...]]

Thanks Bev.

 

 

Well I risked some more green tea again this morning,  this time no depression just agitation for 30 mins, then back to feeling pretty darn good,  it's been holding all day so far with just an inkling of a headache, same migratory pattern as usual but less intense.

 

 

[[Be...]]

That's good news, hun    Enjoy the green tea!

[[ve...]]

Am having some green tea as we speak, decaf.  I used to love green tea in the evening with Chinese food but it always kept me up .  Glad you're feeling a little better James.

 

Best,

 

V

[[am...]]

Thanks (^^)

 

The depression tries to come back every of often but thus far I have staved it off.  Need to start a new thread for another persistent sxs......

 

 

[[Ph...]]

Am having some green tea as we speak, decaf.  I used to love green tea in the evening with Chinese food but it always kept me up .  Glad you're feeling a little better James.

 

Best,

 

V

 

My depression has been bad this week. Really bad-- but only because I was in a window of feeling very very well all August pretty much. Then I crashed. I think it has something to do with my female cycle, so I guess I won't elaborate. But I can't be sure. I see a lot of people so much older than me with so much more ability to do stuff, and there are times when I can't tolerate being in a car to even go anywhere. Like this week. August was great. But this week not so much. IT DOES PASS! I must remind myself of this a lot.

 

Hey V! How ya been?

 

I noticed this thread and have been wondering about... well, something I've been wondering about for a while. I was reading up on the decaffeination process of green tea, and some sites that are very dedicated to quality green teas state that the green teas lose their botanical supplemental properties such as antioxidants during the decaffeination process. I'm glad you brought this up. Do you know anything about it?

 

Me personally? I loveeeee green tea but am just, really afraid to drink any since benzos.

 

Ughhhh.

 

Green tea is a great diueretic too....ugh ugh ugh lol

L'andy 

[[am...]]

Remember you don't need to brew green tea,  just pour boiling water through a strainer containing it.

[[ve...]]

Wow.  I did not hear that decafinating the tea may take some of the antioxidants away.  I'll have to look into that.  I've been mostly drinking the decaf but on a few occasions, had the real thing in the morning but never after 1PM.  I guess I have a sensitivity to the caffeine.  Nice to see you Comisado.  I know what you mean by having a good month and then crashing.  As a matter of fact, my good month was July and crashed in the first half of August but am fortunately now back on track.  Little set back .  Yea, the female cycles can impact the taper and withdrawal.  I think us guys have it way easier on this benzo journey.  Well, hang in there and you too James.

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[Be...]]

Hi James,

 

Just dropping by to see how you are doing 

[[am...]]

Thanks Bev,

 

I don't know how I'm doing anymore,  I really don't.

 

Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck in this limbo state forever.

[[Be...]]

 

Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck in this limbo state forever.

 

It's the withdrawal that's making you feel this way; it does it to us all.  But rest assured, you will heal and recover from this.

[[as...]]

i am totally there with you.  i feel stuck at 7 mg of Valium.  or at least i am hoping to restabilize on 7mg.  was on 6 mg for 2 weeks after I crossed over from klonipin.  i was on 7.5 mg for about 2 weeks, tried to taper, i guess too fast, had to updose back to 7 mg, stabilized after about 2 weeks then tried tapering again.  first week, i went down by 0.5mg and seemed ok so i tried going down another 0.5 mg and then after about 4 days, things started to get bad and then got really bad yesterday at about day 8.  stuck in this cycle of crying and anxiety.  hoping it will get better but definitely on the edge of what, i am not sure.  extremely overwhelmed by everything.  feel like my brain is permanently impaired and fear my future.  it is not cool.  just wanted you to know you are not alone in the depression thing.

[[ve...]]

Hi Ashlandana.  Good idea to stabilize if you're feeling symptoms strong.  Also, for some, .5 cuts may be a bit much.  It was for me.  I preferred .25mg cuts every ten days or so.  This can easily be done using a combination of 5mg and 2mg tablets.  Do you have access to both?   I posted in the taper plan section of forum a table that shows exactly how to make .25mg cuts using 5mg and 2mg tablets.  It's not rocket science but having the table to bring to the doctor to show how you need both worked for me.  My doctor was less interested in the Ashton material than my table because I suspect he wanted something to put in my chart that showed a clear plan and to justify the precriptions.   Days 4-8 were the roughest for me.  It is pretty normal to have spikes in anxiety and jitters, insomnia... What symptoms did you have when it got "bad" at day four?  Your brain is not permanently impaired although it can feel that way sometimes when tapering!  You can heal too.

 

Hey James.  Hope you're doing ok too and that the depression is subsiding.  I had a lot of blues and fatigue around 2 months off. 

 

Best,

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[Be...]]

Hi buddies,

 

How's everyone feeling today?

 

My thoughts are with you all.  This is a bumpy road we must all travel, but the end results will be worth it.

[[as...]]

a little better today.  i am just so overwhelmed with everything in my life.  i had to leave the city where i have been living for the past 3 years and go home to be with my family because of this.  this is the second time this has happened.  the first time, i had gotten off meds and i guess it was too fast because all the withdrawal symptoms hit me so hard I could not function at all.  got back on meds that time.  but i soon learned that the meds don't work for me and this past year i started that road again to get off.  i successfully got off of Lexapro in March but had horrific gastrointestinal issues for about a month, had all kinds of tests run, nothing 'wrong'.  it finally went away.  was doing fine till i started trying to get off of clonazepam in july.  switched 1:1 to valium, with my doctor's advice.  he did not want me to taper the clonazepam while getting crossed over to valium.  i think that is still the source of my problem now that i am trying to taper off of valium.  but i am here now, trying to stabilize on 7 mg of valium and trying to get prescription for liquid valium and then try cutting down 1% a week.  surely, my body and mind will be able to handle that.  in the meantime, i am trying to deal with the anxiety of having to leave my newly rented place, not cheap, and be with my family till i can get stabilized.  and on top of that, i really have no 'life' back where i was as i have isolated myself so much trying to deal with all this withdrawal.  so, i am anxious about going back there as well and fear that my symptoms will return and i will be back in the same dilemma