9 months off and still bent

[[bi...]]

hi everyone,i'm at 9 months off now and still having some nasty w/d's d/r depression anger frustration and my fricking joints hurt other than that i'm ok. can yall chime in on what might be bothering you at 9 months and beyond kinda worried here.

billy3

[[...]]

i'm only 3 months off so i can't add much to this...i just wanted to say hi and hang in there.

 

leslie

[[Re...]]

Hey billy,

 

I'm 11 months off, and I'm still dealing with "middle of the night insomnia," I'm having this 2am awakening that has been going on for months; I still have the tinnitus, but it s very low-keyed and under control and does not really bother me; and lastly, I have this audible heartbeat thing that has been going on for months.  I can hear my heartbeat in my left ear.  It appears to be a pulse right next to my ear - it could be pulsitile tinnitnus.  Other than that, I guess I would say that I am faring about 80-85%.  I surely don't feel anything like I felt this time last year. 

 

It appears that we have gone the distance, and we are a tad bit weary, but we have to continue to stay the course.  We will get to 100% healing in time.  Hang in there.

[[bi...]]

god damnit i'm suffering here where the hell has everyone gone thinking those thoughts that i'm not allowed to mention on this forum but who the fricking hell can i tell i have set my deadline aug 2nd if i'm not better

[[Co...]]

Hi Billy,

 

When I withdrew from clonazepam, I felt truly dreadful. This went on for all of my 6 month taper, and then gradually improved over a long period. Although it took time, I did get there, and, there were improvements along the way. It is not unusual for our members to suffer withdrawal symptoms for many months after quitting.

 

When quitting cold turkey (like you), we do not allow our body the opportunity to recover while tapering - all our recovery takes place after our last dose. This can give the impression that you are suffering for longer than others, but, if they quit by following a taper plan, you need to take account of the recovery time during their withdrawal. For example, a dependent member on a particular benzo at a particular dose follows a six-month taper plan (and suffers withdrawal symptoms during her taper). She then goes on suffer withdrawal symptoms for a further six months after her last dose - she has taken a year, in total, to recover. At the same time, a second member on a similar benzo and dose, and similarly dependent, quits cold turkey and suffers withdrawal symptoms for a year. They both have taken a year to recover, but it might appear that the one that quit cold turkey has suffered withdrawal symptoms for longer.

 

From my experience at this forum, members that quit cold turkey do not take longer to recover (despite the anecdotal reports). However, they do not benefit by gradually reducing their dose, allowing their GABA system to recover during a gradual decline in blood levels of benzodiazepine. In the short-term, those quitting via a cold turkey withdrawal usually suffer more, but they should expect their later recovery to be similar to those that have followed a sensible taper plan.

 

Given than many members taper off over a year (or sometimes even longer), and then, usually, suffer some months of withdrawal symptoms after their last dose, there is nothing unusual about you continuing to suffer nine months after your cold turkey withdrawal.

 

In all probability, you will notice great improvements over the forthcoming months - of course, though, recovery times are rather variable. The length of time you are taking to recover does not unduly concern me (I was still a mess six months after my last dose - a year after I started my taper), but I didn't feel suicidal - it does concern me that you feel this way! I felt deathly ill, but I did not react the way you seem to be reacting. Withdrawal will affect each of us differently. I suggest that you talk with your doctor. It might be that your doctor will suggest an antidepressant or some form of counselling. It could be that how you are feeling is unconnected with benzodiazepine withdrawal - there is no way for us (or you) to know for sure. If you feel this poorly and desperate, you must talk with your doctor.

 

Billy, you were once motivated enough to decide that you wanted off benzodiazepines. If how you are feeling is the result of benzodiazepine withdrawal (which seems likely to me from what you have described), think of it as part of the process. Try to remember why you decided to do this. At the same time, seeking help for serious withdrawal symptoms is just another part of the process. You do not have to suffer like this. Talk with your doctor about options. Frankly, reinstatement is better than the extreme and final solutions to which you elude (not that I'm suggesting that you reinstate). I am just trying to get through to you that you chose to go through this for a reason, but if your are suffering more than you can stand, find a better route - find some help!

 

Take care, Billy.

 

Colin.

 

 

Edit: typos and small clarifications.

[[Wa...]]

god damnit I'm suffering here where the hell has everyone gone thinking those thoughts that i'm not allowed to mention on this forum but who the fricking hell can i tell i have set my deadline aug 2nd if i'm not better

 

Billy, 

 

What does your wife think about this deadline?  I am going to be frank here Billy because that's just the kind of person I am and from reading alot of the posts you put on this forum, it seems to be the kind of person you are as well, so I hope you will not be too offended.  Since I found this forum, not all that long ago, I have come across and read alot of your posts.  I really feel for you and the turmoil you are going through.  You really seem to be suffering far more than the average person w/d-ing from benzos and your pain and suffering are very obvious.  I don't know if the benzos have caused this or just opened up the door to more deep rooted emotional and even physical problems that you seem to currently be experiencing but from reading you posts you seem to be a very angry and deeply depressed individual.  Regardless if it is from the benzos or the benzo w/d/s just uncovered something that was already buried within you, it needs to be addressed.  Good thoughts and good feelings from your benzo buddies are not going to help you deal with the root of your anger and depression.  It is easy to dismiss all of these feelings, emotional and physical, to benzo withdrawal because it does cause them and pretty severely in some, but it doesn't hurt to look at other sources to help us to feel better when we are suffering with anger issues and depression, even if it is from the benzos.  If you don't want to see a doctor because they may want to prescribe drugs that you don't want to take, then at the very least I would suggest reading a book on overcoming depression, anger, etc.  I know this may sound like a frustrating answer to you right now, but what have you got to lose at this point.  Go to a bookstore and read through some of the self help books on dealing with depression, anger, etc.  You may be able to help yourself get through this a little easier.  Also, your continued aching bones could even be fibromyalgia, (or of course continued benzo withdrawals), which can be improved through exercise, weight training in particular, if you don't want to see a doctor. 

 

In conclusion, this is not the first post you have sent where you have complained about the people on this forum not being here for you etc. (This is me being frank again)  I'm recommending self help books because I think you need more than what the nice people on this forum can give you from the sound of your post.  I've read alot of nice things people have said to you to offer support and encouragement, on many different threads you have posted, but that is only going to do so much for your kind of suffering.  You need to take more steps on your own to assist with your healing process. 

 

Hang in there Billy.  We all love you and are here for you even if it doesn't feel like it to you at times.  I actually think about you and a few others on this forum alot and wonder how you are doing and will just get online to read some of your updates even if I don't post myself.  Sometimes I just don't think there is anything that I can say that would help or I just feel too bad myself to be much support to others.  I hope I have not offended you with my frankness and please think about what any deadlines you may be thinking of would do to your loving wife.

[[Wo...]]

Whats up Billy. I was at where you were just 5 weeks ago. After dealing w/ my depression issues for 2 years, w/d from Klon put me over the top and 3 months post w/d I had enough. I had come to terms with death and saw it as my path to everlasting peace from mental, physical torument. After a deep conversation w/ someone I'm close with, it changed my whole outlook. I don't want to make this sound like the Lifetime movie of the week, but that conversation really changed my outlook and ever since, has given me the will to keep goin on. My perception/ mental health was so whacked and focused on the suffering that I didn't see any other way out. In the past 5 weeks, things have continually gotten better (depression-wise) although symptoms are still kicken (some days worse then others). What has helped me was find ways keep my mind busy and relaxed. But sometimes we need help along the way.. there are tons of avenues here. I know I did! Nothing that works for one person will work the same for the other. Just gotta find your way. I'm not saying everything will be peaches and cream. But it will take you out of the suicidal darkness. At least so far, it has for me. Take care bud

[[st...]]

Hi Billy,

 

I got slammed at the 7th and 11th month mark off date.  It is not unusual to feel this bad at 9 months off for some of us members.  I never gave myself a deadline of being well (well, maybe in the beginning after being shortly off the xanax).  This process is so unpredictable.  I have been through h*ll to get to the point and grateful for my perseverence and and BB friends.  Having a deadline is not going to help you but only rev up your symptoms.  Take each day as it comes and continue to baby yourself.  One day this will all be over.  Hang on tight, hon.

 

Patty  xo

[[bi...]]

thank you guys for trying to help your words make a lot of sense but wash. i wasnt angry or depressed before benzos actually i was very happy i was and am again a successful musician i have a  nice home two new trucks a nice cat for a friend and yes i still have heidi the rat snake plenty of money so we dont have to worry about that. my wife is a real sweetheart 23 year marriage neighbors are pretty cool for the most part. i got my killer body back havent had any hurricanes here yet.i have just under 2000 facebook buddies i could go on and on about what is right in my life but i still feel totally alone and lost even during my concerts playing for lots of people i still feel like i'm up there alone like i'm in another dimension. dr's say i'm healthy not a thing wrong with me.i'm eating  alot working out everynight sleeping at least 8 hours a day but when i wake up i just want to rip the skin off my body [raw nerves] and get so fricking sad way down deep it's like my reward/pleasure center of brain has been shut off i do ok when i'm busy doing stuff but when i complete whatever task i get scared and sad and say oh god what am i gonna do now i cant get what is referred to as the "warm fuzzies" i cry alot for no reason it just comes on by itself i love summer time in fla. but i cant feel it i love the nights sounds of crickets etc.. but now it's just background noise. i was a very good classical guitarist but i have quit playing. the haunting melodies take me to a dark scary place [the netherworld] i just do the rock stuff to keep the money coming but i dont feel it dont get the rush i used to.i played one last night and my family came but they looked so sad they were looking at me as if i already passed on during intermission i asked them to leave so i could finish my show without crying i was absolutely riipping it up but could feel nothing but sad. my manager came to me and said holy crap your playing is unbelievable and i said are you fucking kidding me i'm a souless robot.i cried all the way home until i looked down and saw the check engine light on my truck and i looked up at the scarey night sky and screamed what the fuck? havent you had enough fun kicking my ass yet how far down are you gonna beat me  why wont you help me why cant i feel joy what the fricking hell???i wait and wait for the storm to pass but it stays the same hell i dont even care about sex sometimes i feel that i would give up everything i have and live in a trailer for a single day of being my old self i was happy damnit i liked who i was now i'm just twisted. note for thought:::: anyone who suggest i take more of these mind fucking drugs being a/d's benzos or whatever may your soul be ripped apart by a thousand demons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[[Wa...]]

Hi Billy,

 

Wow!  I am so sorry that you feel so bad when you have so much good going on in your life.  That really would suck!  With all that positive going on and especially the good marriage with the sweet wife, please no more "setting dates" OK?  We will all try and help you get through this as much as we can from here.  I understand better now why you are so angry and depressed.  I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to try any other medications to help with the depression, etc.  Benzos have altered my body and brain to what feels like a point of no return sometimes too.  They were prescribed for me for insomnia.  They seemed to help at first but then side effects started creeping in and now my insomnia is 10 times worse.  If fact I'm in a bout right now.  I've slept like 14 hours over 6 day span.  Two of those days 0 sleep at all.  When I try to sleep it feels like someone is sending electrical currents through my nervous system and I just move, kick and stretch all night.  It really sucks, but I know it will pass because it has before.  But I totally understand the whole wierd body feeling and not wanting to take anything that might make it worse in the long run.

 

So, another question...you say that you have about 2000 facebook buddies and good neighbors, yet you feel alone.  Do you have close friends that you really trust that you just hang with?  It sounds like you probably do, but I was just curious because you didn't mention that.  Something else, I don't know if it's your thing or not, but are religious at all?  The only thing that helped me get through one of the darkest times in my life was God.  My spouse had left me for someone else, I was heartbroken and in dark despair and turned to alcohole and drugs to cope but was spiriling down.  In desperation one day, I called a Church (found one in the yellow pages because I didn't go myself) and was given the number of a Christian councelor who changed my life.  Besides helping me deal with the broken marriage, he uncovered lots of things from my abusive childhood that was affecting my behavior, my choices, and my life.  Two books he made me read right off the bat was the book of Romans in the Bible, and another book called Healing Damaged Emotions.  Long story short, this did more for me then any of the partying with friends, or medications doctors prescribed me to get me through my hard time.  No my life has not been perfect ever since, (otherwise I wouldn't be on this forum right now) but at least I don't feel alone and I have another resourse to help get me through hard times.

 

Hang in there Billy.  I will pray for you and it will help, even if you don't believe in it yourself.  You will see

[[...]]

Dear Billy:

 

I had been off benzos for almost a year before I had my first return of a warm, fuzzy feeling.  It was incredible, like the sun rising when I believed it had gone out forever.  The ability to feel good things does come back.  If your experience is like mine, it will come back a little at a time.  Mine hasn't returned completely even though I have been off two years now but it clearly increasing and yours will too.

 

ntw

[[cu...]]

Billy,

 

I'm so sorry you are still suffering, but it is very common for people like us to still have issues at 9 months. I'm gonna post a link to this guy's story of extreme suffering from a benzo healing trip to hell that lasted over 2 years. Look at what he went through, and he made it out! I know if he can, you can!

 

 

 

http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/201006/matt-samet-climber-addiction.html

 

Just think about what you are considering....you can come back from benzo's...you can't come back from death. And whatever is waiting for you on the other side, you can guarantee that it is a permanent situation, whether it be good, or bad.

 

Love and prayers,

~cupcake~

[[bi...]]

i cant light no more of the darkness

all my pictures seem to fade to black and white

i'm growing tired and time stands still before me

frozen here on the ladder of my life

too late to save myself from falling

i took a chance and changed your way of life

but you misread my meaning when i met you

closed the door and left me blinded by the light

dont let the sun go down me

although i search myself it's always someone else i see

just allow a fragment of my life to wander free

but losing everything is like the sun going down on me

i cant find the right romantic line

but see me once and see the way i feel

dont discard me just because you think i mean you harm

cause these cuts i have they need love to help them heal

dont let the sun go down me

although i search myself it's always someone else i see

just allow a fragment of my life to wander free

but losing everything is like the sun going down on me

[[Wa...]]

Hi Billy,

 

How are you feeling today?  I love that song.  I haven't heard it in years. Now I think I'm going to put it on my Ipod.  Take care of yourself billy.  I just wanted to stop by and say hello and see how you are feeling today.

[[Pa...]]

Thanks for the song Billy, one of Elton John's best!

[[bi...]]

i thought yall might enjoy reading these words i'm sure we have all felt that way a time or two. i heard it the other day and it made me cry like a little girl so i had to write it down

[[bi...]]

you guys please help i think i'm stuck like this and the rest of my life is gonna be surreal and weird i hate it. going on 10 months now and still torn up in my head dont think it's gonna end. i dont remember what it's like to feel normal and sane how will i even know if it's over i just cant remember how it feels to be "all good"every minute i'm awake i have to be locked on to something or my brain goes in to that surreal dreamstate type feeling my mom says it cant possibly be benzo w/d still after this long i must have cracked up from the trauma......... made me feel awful now i dont know what to think i dont find joy in anything i'dont even want to perform anymore just wanna crawl in to bed and stay there till i die or get better.also i want to help others on this forum but i dont know what to say to help them cause i dont believe i'm gonna get out of this intact and i surely cant say that to anyone it's really hard to speak in a positive manner when i dont believe i will be ok soooooooo lost

[[Co...]]

Hi Billy,

 

I think you sometimes expect too much from fellow Buddies. If you feel seriously depressed, you should see your doctor or a therapist. We operate a mutual support system, where those going through benzodiazepine withdrawal help each other. If you need greater support, I suggest that you seek help from a counsellor. A counsellor will be better able to give you the professional one-on-one support your seem to require. Additionally, they will be in a better position to assess if you need other help, perhaps from a doctor.

 

I am not trying to push you away - I am just trying to make clear the limitations of the support your fellow Buddies can supply. All our members are struggling with benzodiazepine withdrawal. Even most of our team are still withdrawing or recovering, and even those that feel fully recovered have limited time, as their main duties revolve around keeping the community running smoothly and safely. And, of course, none of members are here in a professional capacity (even those with medical qualifications).

 

Please give real consideration about seeking help from a counsellor.

 

Take care, Billy.

 

Colin.

[[bi...]]

hey colin, i dont understand what i said wrong this time. i've been feeling really down about all this and no one except my wife believes that this even happened.... i just asked for some reassurance from some of my buddies that care. i didnt say anything about suicide or anything and i have read countless posts from people who also feel hopeless but they arent followed up by you telling them their post is wrong.i'm not looking for a savior i know there isnt one. i did go around the board last night and tried to help a few posters who asked questions about things i knew something about so i am trying to reciprocate. i did seek external help 1st i went to a christian psychologist/counselor and he and his crew swore i was possesed by a demon even knew it's name and performed a full exorcism on me talk about trauma. then i went to another who was straight up and said that cbt and nlp wouldnt help me because my problem is biological stemming from a chemical imbalance due to benzo w/d not psychological. then i went to a psychiatrist who gave me less than 5 minutes of his time then shoved a script of lexapro at me i said no thanks it was these psych drugs that got me in this mess in the first place.

i wasnt bent before benzos no anxiety nor depression i was given ativan for a botched dental surgery which caused a massive infection that all but shut down my renal system and other organs the antibiotics were so strong that it wrecked my stomach so i couldnt eat and was losing weight fast in came ativan which i had a nasty reaction to. so once more there was not a thing wrong with me pre benzos. i dont want nor expect anything from yall i just thought i had found a safe place where i could say how it really feels and be reassured that i would be ok when it doesnt feel like i will.it's cool bro i get it i truly am alone in this fight but hey that's ok i have fought all my battles this way. thank you for stopping by and reminding me.

much love,billy3

[[Wa...]]

Hi Billy,

 

You have had some really crazy experiences!  I don't know what type of christian psychologist you saw that felt you were demon possessed and actually performed an exorcism on you, but that is crazy.  I get so mad when I hear this kind of stuff.  People like that don't realize the damage they cause individuals by saying and doing crazy stuff like that but it really makes me mad.  Sometimes it takes a little shopping around to find someone good that is really going to help you.  I have seen a few differnet councilors throughout my life, all have claimed to be christian, but only one of them truly helped me.  He was a wonderful person with alot of insight.  He used alot of biblical principals in his counseling and new the Bible inside and out, but he had been raised by an abusive alcoholic father and really new how it felt to be on this end of things.  He has since died and I've never found anyone that can replace him, but I also had to go through a few "weirdos" before I found him.  My point is Billy that you shouldn't give up on finding someone that can give you the help you seek because they're out there somewhere.  You might just have to try a few out before you find them.  I'm really sorry you are in such turmoil.  There is another member on here that has been off for almost a year and is having some real problems so I guess it is possible, but it is just so hard to say so, I really think you should contine seeking other support.  Good luck.

[[bi...]]

thank you washington i can tell you feel things deeply and have a kind true heart thank's for stopping by. i wont be posting anymore no more cries for help no more dr's for i have learned that if it's pitch dark and you are lost in the woods and you cry out something comes and eats you so i will be silent now............ what happens happens what doesnt doesnt.thank you again for your caring and concern i will stop by the chat room if i'm able to say hey to those who accept me like i am from time to time and to those who think i'm crazy or need a/d's....................

may yall's steps be quik and light may the sun always shine on your face and the wind always be at your back

it is what it is till it aint,billy3

[[Co...]]

hey colin, i dont understand what i said wrong this time. i've been feeling really down about all this and no one except my wife believes that this even happened

 

Hi Billy,

 

I don't think you've done anything "wrong", as such. It is purely that you expect a lot from your fellow buddies, and then you are sometimes disappointed by the lack of response. I was purely trying to add some perspective for you, so that you better understand how we operate and the limitations of this support forum.

 

I still feel you might benefit by seeing a counsellor (I mean a real one, one that does not have a personal agenda). Real counselling is about helping you to reach your own conclusions, by helping you to explore your own feelings and thoughts.

 

You also need to understand that your fellow Buddies are struggling too. They need support - we are mutual support forum. By reaching out and helping others, you will feel better about yourself, and you will make it easier for others to respond to your needs too.

 

I was not meaning to bash you in my last post. I was just trying to give a heads-up about how you might receive better support, both here at BenzoBuddies, and away from the forum too.

[[cu...]]

Billy,

 

I'm sorry that I was presumptuous and assumed that you were hinting/contemplating suicide. Sometimes I read between the lines, when I don't need to. I can delete my post to you, if you wish.

 

I have been there, with the church people thinking I was possessed! It has happened to me several times, they even said "look it's talking to us" OMG I just couldn't believe what i was hearing! Of course this happened way before benzo's but it still hurt my feelings.

 

Feeling down, and hopeless is just another symptom, and it's also a result of long lingering symptoms. I get this way alot, and it's just now starting to leave me. I have to really fight some days just to get out of bed and face another day, even if that day is a good day, and even if the day before was a good day I still am afraid the new day will be a bad one.

 

We have to just keep going until we get our healing, and I know in my heart it won't be long until you are on here bragging about how good you feel.

 

Love,

Cupcake

[[Wa...]]

OK Billy I understand.  Sometimes I actually have to stay away from this forum for a little while because I get a little depressed when I read some of the posts.  Other times it feels really good to catch up with some of the buddies on here and see how they are doing and sometimes it feels good to encourage them and support them, so I totally understand.  Also I've read some good tips on here that has really helped me with my taper and understand my withdrawals better.  I will still think about you and pray for you.  No, not because I think your possessed (lol), but because praying makes me feel better.  Jesus is my ultimate buddy and he has never let me down.   Take care billy and maybe I will see you in chat sometime.  I've gone there once in awhile when I can't sleep.

[[bi...]]

i found it fucking a i sure did. i was driving my wife of 23 years to work and i was suffering really bad almost in tears and i was talking about how i was getting scolded at this site for not doing and saying things right and how most of the people who used to be there to help me had gone away and how bad it made me feel that i was running out of people and places to turn to.......... i told her i was grateful and she was the only one willing to walk through the fire with me.then i told her i didnt know how much longer i could stand this torment with that she turned and screamed at me shut the fuck up i mean it shut your fucking mouth i dont want to hear anymore of this crap just then i felt something snap in my brain yes a physical sensation of something breaking in there i went completely numb the part of my brain that senses emotion completely shut down i mean shut down there is nothing there so i tried to test it i thought of my mother dying babies being slaughtered baby seals being clubbed to death i thought of every terrible sad thing i could think of and still nothing not a fucking thing no pain no anguish no regret no wondering when i'm gonna get better no nothing. i always wondered how assasins do what they do and how they could just kiill people in cold blood without giving it a second thought but now i know they just simply have learned to shut off the emotional part of their brain now i have those tools and all i have to do is remember how the person i have run myself ragged for given all my money to been faithful to forsaken all others for who i was fighting for survival for and the only one i could depend on in my dark hour of need said shut the fuck up.how cool is that now i'm a fucking machine that will do anything i tell it to without question.sweeeeeeeeeeet