Please Help Me Understand

[[su...]]

I don't think I have ever been depressed before, I was scared and panicked and pissed off at the world for giving me anxiety disorder but I never have understood if I am indeed depressed.

 

What I have been feeling these days during my taper is these little waves of sadness thinking about the past. I feel as if I want to cry my eyes out thinking of people and places I once knew and lost loves ect... it seems that I am having these spells everyday and a few times each day and I don't understand, it's like I am reflecting on my life and I don't know how to handle it;it's not a pleasant feeling. I don't get a chuckle out of thinking these thoughts, there is a sadness that comes over me like I never knew and everything is OK in my world save for me being on a mind altering drug and trying to taper off.

 

I don't want to think of the past it depresses me very much, not that I did anything wrong but the fun is over and I miss everyone I loved so much, I guess this goes with the territory of never marrying and never having kids since I am 47 years old but I don't mind being single most of the time and the kids...no comment.

 

I don't know what to do or how to handle this...I don't even want to hear music that reminds me of the past anymore...this is really a new thing for me.

 

help

[[Pa...]]

Hi sundazed,

 

I think you may be experiencing intrusive thoughts, this is how they were for me.  Out of the blue, I'd think of people or times in my past and become very sad.  The regrets I felt would bubble up inside of me and make me feel awful.  Benzo depression could be knocking on your door as well, so it could be a combination of both of these withdrawal symptoms. 

 

When you heal, the past will go back to the past.

 

Pam

[[gi...]]

Hi Sundazed,

I think Pam is right about the intrusive thoughts.  I have had them for a long time.  Mostly about the past.... things that happened a long time ago, my ex husband, kids etc.  This drives me nuts at times.  It's almost like living in the past and remorse over or having to analyze the past.  It's hard to describe.  Once you realize what it is, you can deal with it a bit better. In your rational mind, you know that these thoughts are not relavant to your current reality and situation.  I just literally have to tell myself "stop" when these thoughts hit me hard. That works sometimes.  You will find at some point if not already, that these thoughts will stop and when you think of these troublesome thoughts of the past you will not be bothered in the least bit by them.  I don't know why the benzo's do this to us,  but they do but rest assured they go away.    Ginia

[[ic...]]

Hi Sun,

 

Yes, it sounds like intrusive thoughts and benzo depression. I had it too. Being fairly recently divorced, I looked back on all of it, wondering if had I not been on benzo, would it have happened, etc. etc. I thought about bad decisions I made as far back as pre-marriage - like things I did in my 20's! I'd have strange images of people pop into my head, all the typical stuff.

 

I looked back at my blog during that time and it was very remorseful and sad. Thankfully a BB helped me recognize what was happening - although I didn't believe her at the time , looking back later it was very clear that I was in some kind of funk.

 

The depression for me, left as quickly as it came - like a fog just lifted away. I'm thinking it will happen that way for you too.

 

 

[[Be...]]

Hi Sun, 

 

The same thing has happened to me too and it's not fun at all!  Thoughts of my past would suddenly descend on me and I would feel so down and depressed, then the tears would begin to fall...just horrible!  It has begun to lift slightly over the past week or so, but I can feel it lurking in the background at times like a dark cloud. 

 

My heart goes out to you as I know just how you feel.  But just know that it will pass one day soon and the sun really will come back into your life for good.

 

[[...]]

Sun

Absolutely the same here, I think what we call "benzo depression" is a mechanism in our thoughts that makes us review the past , since our present is not in balance. So we go over and over ,and over questioning what we did , why we did it or for no reason just remembering lots of details from different periods of our lives. I do believe that the benzos trigger that certain area and is just  a brain mechanism that sparks emotions. Don't forget that anxiety and depression touch each other , but I tell you after hitting the deep depression ,the one they tell you is a black hole( I was at the edge) I prefer anxiety all the way , for some particular and extraordinary reason , my depression lifted fairly quickly , and a lot had to do with my personal attitude towards the drug itself, one day I saw how quickly my mind had changed about those dark ugly thoughts ,compare to the next day where I felt Ok.So I said , obviously there is too much ambivalence about the way I felt and it just was not worth thinking ominous and dreadful thoughts ,I knew better and I choose to live no matter what happened next.

[[cu...]]

Sundazed,

 

I did the same thing, and I thought I was the only one! It must HAVE been w/d!! I was thinking of all the things I did, the person I was, all the places I visited when I felt good and I missed everything and I would cry and cry! I would think of all my kids when they were babies and how sweet they were, and I would cry over that too.

 

Now, I can't even remember how that felt, and I really am looking forward to the future!!

[[...]]

hey sun,

 

i'm going through this right now....3 mos. post benzo.  it's horrible.  i know exactly what you're describing. 

 

the only thing that has helped that has been prayer and spending time with other people.  it is an awful feeling and i hope it goes away like everyone says. 

 

please let us know how you're doing on this.

[[su...]]

the music is driving me mad , I can't listen to old sad music , I can't listen to anything that brings me back...

 

I heard Super Tramp's *Long Way Home* and BOOM....sick feeling inside, tears poured down, changed the station but the song kept playing in my head.

 

I have never felt this way before in my life.

 

this is not like me at all...wow.

 

help

[[Me...]]

Benzo depression Sun

I find myself thinking  of old times and people I haven't thought about in years.  Mistakes I've made too......not fun

[[...]]

Hey Sun

I just went trough one mini depression ( benzo style) today , it comes and goes. I was fine for days , then it hits, but it goes away. Don't worry , is part of this deal .

There is always a trigger , could be music ( especially in your case), a memory , something you see . But it passes.

I have had the big depression ( it was a surprise to me)absolutely not me at all,caused my personal problems , and is way different from this one.

I have never dealt with depression in my life , so now I have lot of respect for everybody suffering from it. But the benzo depression is just like having , "the blues" ,but deeper .

Tino

[[Mi...]]

Benzo depression Sun

I find myself thinking  of old times and people I haven't thought about in years.  Mistakes I've made too......not fun

I've been somewhat doing that and also dwelling on mistakes my parents have made and I don't want to feel bad thigns towards them or feel bad about myself.

 

A lot of things in life itself seem depressing lately.  I don't think it's so much the benzo in my case though.  It's just facts about life.  Im starting to really feel like most women are extremely mean though and it makes me close to giving up on dating.

 

I hope everyone else's depression goes away.  I've pretty much always had it so I don't know what role the benzo plays in my occasional recent depression.

[[su...]]

now my own songs are making me cry  :'( I can't believe what is happening to me.

[[...]]

Sun  is all bottled emotions that are stir up by the benzo being less in your system . If you read about how other people feel as they taper , you will find out that lot of them say they cry a lot and feel very vulnerable and emotional during this time. Don't get too upset , it will pass. Hang in there Sun.....

Tino

[[bi...]]

old music freaks me out too makes me cry

[[su...]]

I can barely listen to any music anymore it depresses me if I hear sad notes.

 

Memories are making me depressed too.

 

Just terrible, these are new sensations to me....

[[Pa...]]

If you didn't have these feelings before sundazed, you'll not have them after you're through will all of this.  It makes me sad to see you feel this way, this is temporary, okay?

[[su...]]

I can't even play my own songs anymore I will start crying...all the memories come back to me it's depressing

 

this was not the case just 4 months ago

 

help...something is different things have changed  :'(

[[he...]]

Sun  was that way b4 benzos , I hear a sad song and I would cry , bringing back alot of memories, but right now you cns and all your emotions are in overdrive it will calm down again and you will be yourself again , alot of people incl me had the w/d off crying alot , if you read some off the blog titles when will the crying stop? you will see its very common , mine finally settled down and yours will too.

 

Love Laura

[[su...]]

I do it to myself I listen to the old songs and I know they will bring on that weird erie melancholy feeling. I have to stop doing that to myself.

 

 

[[cu...]]

Hey SD

 

Sometimes when I listen to cheerful upbeat music I feel sad, because it's music I enjoyed in the past and at that time I feel I'm not the same person I once was. It reminds me of happier times and I can't get happy if that makes sense.

 

This don't happen very often, though.

 

cupcake

[[na...]]

Awww, sun cheer up buddy, I hate to see you so down, love ya buddy, I mean that.... I feel your pain sun, been there done that, benzo depression is horrible,  and the intrusive memories are a normal part of recovery.... whenever I would get them I would just say "Okay my brain is waking up from all the suppression"..... That's all it is buds, and I know it is discouraging but try to see the good in it if you can, your cognitive functions are coming alive again, and the brain is rectifying itself....  You have always been there for me sun, please know your name and the rest of the buddies will forever be on my lips when I am talking to Father..... Forever in my prayers... We are one big family in this fight together, we shall overcome!!!

 

 

          Cheer up sun, have some turkey.....

 

 

              GOD Bless...

 

 

 

              Nate(+)

[[he...]]

Hang in there Sun , we are all there for you hun, our in my prayers .

 

Love Laura

xoxooxoxo

[[ko...]]

sun that is how i have felt through this whole ordeal even during tolerance like God is punishing me for all the bad things i did when i was on Benzos ( i mean nothing real aweful) but i know this will pass its just the withdrawl but it can give you alot of guilt its crazy i guess ive always just been way to caring for other people and maybe thats hurt me i dunno

[[su...]]

I didn't do anything wrong in the past I am just missing people and places

my loneliness is killing me... glad for this site.