12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Peace ... again, and again, and again ... that's what we do ... and if there was a "shortcut" we would not be here ... and to keep stoking the fires of belief day after day is very tiring ... and no one else can it for us ...

 

So we all just keep going ... sorry, nothing enlightening here ... just chop wood, carry water ... and as we read elsewhere today, we are the lucky ones ... we were able to recognize where we "were" and have gotten out of there ... now we are "in between" ... and soon we will be done with this recovery ... sitting here with my little bout of benzo flu ... doing some moaning ... doing a little smiling ... and so damn grateful I have gotten this far ...

 

And I know we all get to the place where these past months enter the land of memory ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Mike--great post!  You DID make me feel good.  I had already read stuff about people having trouble getting off suboxone and had no interest in trying it.  Plus, since I wasn't having cravings and never got high off the stuff, what would be the point?  I didn't need my "high" blocked! I think since you have gotten off both opioids and benzos you're in an excellent position to say which was worst.

 

Greenice--the husband of a friend of mine was debating whether to take a job based on Staten Island.  I told my friend all I knew about SI was that they had recently had one of the worst epidemics of opioid addiction in the country.  I really am following all these articles!  (for other reasons they decided to stay put in the PNW)

 

For the record, I've had a better day here.  Tried to "work my program" which means yoga exercises, stationary biking, walking my tree loop while listening to a great tape by Belleruth Naparstek on the subject of Anger and Forgiveness.  So many days recently I haven't managed any of this, so checking these off on my chart seems like a step in the right direction.

FJ, I have my own "little program" I try to work.  Getting out the door and doing stuff seems to be easier than getting stuff done at home, what happens is I go near beach area, ride bike or walk, a few store errands, dinner, my 12 step meetings, which I am very active with, in the evening  (enormous progress, I speak to a lot of ppl, and it public, which would have been impossible before, so I guess when you push with certain things you do get better.  My new goal, as soon as whatever I'm dealing with settles down, is to add to the routine, do a little more. 

 

  What keeps you from getting to your program, specifically?  It's good for me to chat a little with you, because when I compare myself to ppl doing so much more, I start beating myself up, thinking maybe I should be doing a hell of a lot more, maybe by not pushing harder I'm not getting better as quickly as I could.  these have to be benzo lies because I swear, I used to be tough, used to push very hard, major go-getter, and I'm not going or getting so much these days, lol

[[Gr...]]

HH--I'm amazed you're out and around like this!  I suppose if I had a nine to five job or young kids to take care of, my situation would be different.  As it is, I just stay home, period.  I'm pretty sure other people in town probably think I died or something.  The few times I have made it out people seemed shocked to see me.

 

I have debated with myself whether I'd be better off if I HAD to do more and get out, but actually I'm just as glad I don't.  I'm kind of an introvert anyway so it doesn't bother me to sit tight.

 

You are amazingly strong and resilient to be keeping up all the wife and mothering stuff and putting on a brave face for the world. I've always been one to blurt out the truth when somebody asks me how I am, so I got tired of getting into conversations where you could practically feel people take a step back at the words: "Trouble with drugs."  Somewhere else on this board somebody said they've taken to saying, "I have a temporary condition of brain damage due to a bad reaction to medicines prescribed me by my doctors."  I thought this was brilliant.  Trouble is, back when I was first out in the world and trying to declare myself well, I didn't really understand that this was the case!

 

Oops, here's the answer to my question?  I'm where you're at, I worked and raised children (sometimes in tolerance w/d).  I'd like to be back to work part time, I'm comparing myself to other people, but it's probably so much better to just be gentle and let myself heal.  I just worry by not "getting out there" I won't get better as quickly.

[[Gr...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Sunday, Nov. 23

 

Hope, O my soul, hope. You know neither the day nor the hour. Watch carefully, for everything passes quickly, even though your impatience turns a very short time into a long one.

 

St. Teresa of Avila

 

The Way of Perfection

 

Don't I know it!

[[Gr...]]

Mike--great post!  You DID make me feel good.  I had already read stuff about people having trouble getting off suboxone and had no interest in trying it.  Plus, since I wasn't having cravings and never got high off the stuff, what would be the point?  I didn't need my "high" blocked! I think since you have gotten off both opioids and benzos you're in an excellent position to say which was worst.

 

Greenice--the husband of a friend of mine was debating whether to take a job based on Staten Island.  I told my friend all I knew about SI was that they had recently had one of the worst epidemics of opioid addiction in the country.  I really am following all these articles!  (for other reasons they decided to stay put in the PNW)

 

For the record, I've had a better day here.  Tried to "work my program" which means yoga exercises, stationary biking, walking my tree loop while listening to a great tape by Belleruth Naparstek on the subject of Anger and Forgiveness.  So many days recently I haven't managed any of this, so checking these off on my chart seems like a step in the right direction.

 

Finally, I still have to get used to your name !

 

Every time I read some buddy answering you, I understand they are saying finally something !!

 

Could you please add your time off benzos in your signature ? I have a bad case of benzo brain, it would really help to know at what point you are.

So, I will also know whether to feel bad about not being able to do any exercise at all let alone Bike, yoga and the other thing I have just forgotten !

 

Third day of my period, I am in hell. The lessons help me divide the pain in shorter chunks of time, so I work every day, Sundays included. It 's ok, everything is different now, I can work on SUndays .

 

My brain is still the big obstacle. I had 5 lessons a couple of days ago, and at the fifth, I has such a hard time concentrating. I kept saying, " focus" but I couldn't. I managed somehow, but it is absurd, there is this whole cliché, I bought into it as well, about concentration being about will, interest. But it is out of our grasp.

Anyway, if I have 4 lessons, I must remember to cancel availability on my planners. That is my new limit.

 

I wonder if I will be ever able to write well on Benzobuddies. My fingers get lost, I feel like I have never ever seen the keyboard in my life and I take ages in posting.

 

About big pharma.

 

I don't think, there is a plot on the part of anybody, but there is a criminal interest in leaving things as they are. We lose our minds, what credibility can we have?

WE do not kill people en masse, we just kill o urselves. We don't rob or other unsocial behaviour. so we are not this big problem.

 

But mental health has to be seriously discussed. THere are too many incompetent people out there, incompetent doctors, neurologists, shrings, anxious to put labels and not solve real problems, if anything they create other problems, more real and lasting problems.

 

The parameters have to change, if trust is to come back in the equation. Everything is not an illness, to be cured with a pill . THis is too hard to write, sorry I have to stop. I hope somebody got the gist of what I was saying.

 

I wish  I could have more serious conversations, than " Today me good, yesterday me bad " but my brain will have none of it !

 

HOpe a lot of healing  comes our way today !

 

Hugs !

 

Sky, you said a lot, and I hear you.  Don't worry about your brain, it's coming across loud and clear.

 

I'm sorry you lost the bike for awhile.  I felt like that months ago when I had to stop walking b/c my feet hurt and it felt like my body was flying all over the place.  I replaced it, though, with bike riding.  And was quite happy with that for awhile.  Now the fatigue and jelly legs makes it impossible to ride.  Lo and behold, I can walk again!  1-2 miles.  Not what I used to do, but enough to satisfy the withdrawal exercise requirement.  So withdrawal taketh away, but it giveth a replacement, lol.  Find your replacement.

 

I'm bit&*ing because I think I'm not healing as fast as everyone else because I can't do certain things yet, or ever, but the reality is, we heal in different ways, some things come back more quickly than others.  for you, the lessons you give, I think that's downright amazing.  Peace and HH, they hold down their jobs.  I think I should be working, but I'm not.  What I do is a lot of 12 step meetings.  I wasn't giving myself credit for how far I've come in terms of re-connecting with the world, getting to those meetings a couple of nights a week, speaking in public before large groups of ppl.  Five months ago I had so much anxiety I couldn't order a cup of coffee in a Dunkin Donuts.  So maybe in some weird way our brains heal in a triage fashion, and the healing starts with what our psyches consider essential.  I've also done a lot of work setting boundaries, with love, in family relationships.  I probably should have written this in the progress lot, not here, but here I am!

 

Nova, you sound centered.  That might be the focus for right now, as the symptoms continue to roll in

[[Gr...]]

Things are better, without a doubt, and I still feel like shit. And I'm still searching, maybe this supplement, maybe that supplement. What is it with me and the search? I'm so tired of this whole routine.

 

It means I don't really believe. I don't really believe my brain can recover from this. Why don't I believe? The progress I've made is being 99% sure that there is no safe medicine for me when it comes to 'mental illness'. But there's still that 1%…. I want to believe there is some way out besides time and torture.

 

SO then I look to supplements and alternative therapies. And all I know for sure with supplements is…. nothing. But I fiddle a little and I search. The only things that have ever given me real relief are exercise, sleep and massage and my massage therapist is going to Mexico for the winter!

 

So tired and it's been so much worse. How do you just let it be? What else is there?!?

 

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I suspect we're supposed to be looking within on this journey, that we're been stripped of everything we used to rely on, nothing works anymore, and we have to find answers deep within ourselves.  I suspect this, anyway.  And I do not like it.  I wrestle with it.  On those few and unique times I was able to surrender to the process, I feel peace.

[[Gr...]]

Peace, I feel the weight of your words.

 

Try to  take supplements with another spirit, though. If they don't make things worse, and they can,  they are still helping out with our aching bodies and it does really does  the extra attention.

 

If you believe that time, and unfortunately also some torture, are the only healers you are in a good place. THere are no shortcuts for us now, not anymore.

Your massage therapist is going to Mexico ? Does she know of somebody that can replace her, somebody who works like her ?

 

But now take a look at yourself. You are suffering but  at the same time you are doing so much. Two months ago, you did not think you could keep your job, and look at you !

 

Look at where you were 5 months ago, compared to now. When I am really bad, I read the old pages of my journal. Today my heart is racing but a year ago I could barely talk, and 5 months ago, an hour of work made me sick for two days.

So, something is improving.

 

SOrry, I felt your pain, I couldn't just not say anything, even if I did not have much to say !

 

Sky-

This piece. No shortcuts. Not us. Not anymore.

Oh, how I need to sit with that piece, to breathe it and make space for it. Again, and again, and again.

I love you.

 

Sky, this is good stuff.  I think your brain is working

[[...]]

Hey Nova,

sorry to hear it's turned difficult for you again. Ive had a continuous cycle of mainly depression but lots of other new and old stuff chiming in. I was sleeping fairly well for weeks 5-7 hrs and lately every two nights I get amped up and can't sleep but 2-3hours making the next morn and day a nightmare.

 

I haven't had a true window (2.5 days)since sept. I get tolerable and fair hours ocationaly but less than before.

 

Yup dealing with this day after day week after week etc..  Not knowing the end date makes the process unbearable. Hope things calm down for you.

 

Hey, Jrod.

 

When I started this thread, I naively thought we'd all be talking about re-entry stuff, I was all excited about the first year being up, and now look, lol!  We're all having a tough time.  I never dreamed we'd all be getting hit like this.  I'm still shocked. I'll settle down.  And the depression, it's weird, I know it's that chemical depression from the benzos, not kill-myself depression.  But it's bad, especially added to the fatigue and no sleep.

 

It seems when I sleep I'm a lot better.  You?

 

We're all going to get some breaks soon.

 

I agree it's benzo depression but it's been a relentless mauling bear. The mornings are by far the worst. Sad part is I used to get breaks from it every other day now it's a daily event. Most of the times it tapers off late afternoon but makes me dread waking up to do it all over again.

Hang in there everyone

[[No...]]

Jrod ... some days that's all we can do ... get up and do it all over again ... and that is surely depressing ... and that is also the way out of this stuff ...

 

This going "round and round" day after day is hard ... and it is our path out of this place ... chop wood, carry water ... as much and as best we can each day ...

 

[[...]]

I'm here to join the party with vibrating, eye twitching, lower back pain and some low key paranoid thinking which is clearly a relative to my regular anxiety. Damn!

 

But like you all, I know the drill and I'm grateful not be battling a deep depression on top of it all. Fingers crossed.

 

With you all,

Peace2

 

Hey Peace;

Glad to hear your getting some relief from depression! Did it gradually ease or just disappear?

Did you have it consecutive days? If so did it get better in the evenings? 

Obviously it rolls in hard some mornings for me this being one of them.

 

Glad to hear it's better for you regarding the big D! This means the rest will follow suit.

 

[[...]]

Jrod ... some days that's all we can do ... get up and do it all over again ... and that is surely depressing ... and that is also the way out of this stuff ...

 

This going "round and round" day after day is hard ... and it is our path out of this place ... chop wood, carry water ... as much and as best we can each day ...

 

 

Absolutely Nova. I just wish I had the psych energy and the optimism I had in January! This long term suffering has kinda jaded my belief in the process. But there's no doubt we will get there,not knowing when is what makes it all that much harder.

[[Fi...]]

OMG I just wrote you all a long, loving post and it has disappeared.  Any help how to find it?  I find this incredibly stressful as I spent a whole hour on it!

[[pe...]]

I'm sorry. I don't know how to find it! But when I write a longer post, I always copy before I hit post. That way if it disappears on bb, my computer still has it and I can just hit paste and it comes right back.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hey Nova,

sorry to hear it's turned difficult for you again. Ive had a continuous cycle of mainly depression but lots of other new and old stuff chiming in. I was sleeping fairly well for weeks 5-7 hrs and lately every two nights I get amped up and can't sleep but 2-3hours making the next morn and day a nightmare.

 

I haven't had a true window (2.5 days)since sept. I get tolerable and fair hours ocationaly but less than before.

 

Yup dealing with this day after day week after week etc..  Not knowing the end date makes the process unbearable. Hope things calm down for you.

 

Hey, Jrod.

 

When I started this thread, I naively thought we'd all be talking about re-entry stuff, I was all excited about the first year being up, and now look, lol!  We're all having a tough time.  I never dreamed we'd all be getting hit like this.  I'm still shocked. I'll settle down.  And the depression, it's weird, I know it's that chemical depression from the benzos, not kill-myself depression.  But it's bad, especially added to the fatigue and no sleep.

 

It seems when I sleep I'm a lot better.  You?

 

We're all going to get some breaks soon.

 

I agree it's benzo depression but it's been a relentless mauling bear. The mornings are by far the worst. Sad part is I used to get breaks from it every other day now it's a daily event. Most of the times it tapers off late afternoon but makes me dread waking up to do it all over again.

Hang in there everyone

 

Jrod, when certain times of day get really hard, we don't want to do them.  I dread bedtime now because it's endless hours by myself in the world, too tired to do anything, but unable to sleep.  And I'm dealing with the long bouts of depression.  Don't worry, it's a sx, it will break.

[[No...]]

FinallyJoining63 ... it is certainly "lost" ... it may have something to do with how long you log on for ... I usually just put in 600 minutes ... I got caught many moons ago just putting in 60 minutes ... and BB logged me out and I didn't know it ...

 

Hope this helps ...

[[Gr...]]

OMG I just wrote you all a long, loving post and it has disappeared.  Any help how to find it?  I find this incredibly stressful as I spent a whole hour on it!

 

I know what to do on Windows 8, just keep flipping back to the previous window.  Sometimes I get them back.  But I think you have to do it right away?

[[No...]]

Jrod ... I think we all get jaded ... I know I do ... and the "psych energy" and "optimism" I think I have lost is still there ... seems it just gets buried under the day to day relentless sometimes ...

 

I believe we have everything we "need" to get through this ... just sometimes the damn volume nob gets turned up to full by that benzo liar ... and I have to take a bunch of time to get the nob turned back down ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everybody

 

Acceptance is the key to feeling better in withdrawal, but it's so very hard to do when hit with new symptoms, like I have been recently, the month 12 wave, and very intense old ones, that I thought were gone.  As you say Nova, just accept where I'm at today, what I'm able to do, if anything, and that's it.  Anything else is spinning my wheels.  Trying to find that place.  I used to say just try to live my life as best possible until this is done. 

[[Gr...]]

Jrod ... I think we all get jaded ... I know I do ... and the "psych energy" and "optimism" I think I have lost is still there ... seems it just gets buried under the day to day relentless sometimes ...

 

I believe we have everything we "need" to get through this ... just sometimes the damn volume nob gets turned up to full by that benzo liar ... and I have to take a bunch of time to get the nob turned back down ...

 

 

Nova, you just said it, everything I'm feeling.  I'm trying so hard to get out of my head today.  Okay, chop wood, carry water.  Just really need to brush my teeth.

[[Fi...]]

Hey all--

 

Yes, I should copy, I suppose, before sending.  I had my first long post spit out because of not being logged in, but I don't think this was the problem this time.  Actually, I think my brain is healing because I am not freaking out about this.  Instead, I'm taking it as the universe's gentle reminder that I shouldn't be writing out too much of my own story on this board.  As a writer and natural storyteller, that's easy for me to do.  I need to save all that for my book and instead stick to offering encouragement where I can.

 

So, to sum up--Peace--your history on K sounds exactly like the friend who showed me the way to this board.  Short use and starting to taper almost immediately.  It took her a long time BUT SHE IS NOW COMPLETELY WELL.

[[Fi...]]

And now I sent that off before it was complete!  Argh.

 

Once more--bottom line, we heal from this.  Everybody stop beating themselves up for not finding the magic play forward button.

 

Nova--loved your St. Teresa quote.

 

Greenice--as my husband kindly reminds me, you're not doing nothing.  You're healing, and that's hard work.

 

Please everybody try to imagine all the nice encouraging things I disappeared appeared into cyberspace and take it to heart!

 

Love,

FJ

[[mr...]]

 

So, to sum up--Peace--your history on K sounds exactly like the friend who showed me the way to this board.  Short use and starting to taper almost immediately.  It took her a long time BUT SHE IS NOW COMPLETELY WELL.

 

I know this wasn't meant for me, FJ, but it was needed by me Thank you for this!

 

Mrs.

[[Fi...]]

Hey Mrs--if that story's a comfort to you, please, by all means, be comforted.  I've e-mailed that friend for a reminder on just how long she felt it was until she was 100% so I can report it back to you all.

 

Finished up last season's Nashville and today will start in on Gilmore Girls!  I will know I'm well when bingeing on DVDs no longer sounds as appealing as it does now!  Eventually I hope to have better things to do.  In the meantime, I'm grateful for the cleverness of these shows for the distraction they provide.

[[pe...]]

Hey all--

 

Yes, I should copy, I suppose, before sending.  I had my first long post spit out because of not being logged in, but I don't think this was the problem this time.  Actually, I think my brain is healing because I am not freaking out about this.  Instead, I'm taking it as the universe's gentle reminder that I shouldn't be writing out too much of my own story on this board.  As a writer and natural storyteller, that's easy for me to do.  I need to save all that for my book and instead stick to offering encouragement where I can.

 

So, to sum up--Peace--your history on K sounds exactly like the friend who showed me the way to this board.  Short use and starting to taper almost immediately.  It took her a long time BUT SHE IS NOW COMPLETELY WELL.

 

Gulp. How long.... And does she, by chance, spend time here? I frequently need someone to talk me down from my cliff- which is much closer to the ground these days. Once upon a time that cliff dive would have ended in certain death. Now, I'd probably just fall softly to the ground with a sprained wrist and a quiet - "Ow." 

[[Fi...]]

Peace--this friend is well and has moved on, as people usually want to do once they get past this.  To be honest, I've felt hurt that, knowing I'm going through the hell she endured, she never checks in on me.  I'm pretty sure that when I get through this, I will be putting the people I know are in the middle of this on my top priority list for care and concern.

 

On the other hand, I am feeling more kindly toward her now that I've finally taken her advice and officially signed up for the board.  She always said it was people on BB who had pulled her through, so maybe she knew I'd get more benefit from that than from hearing from her.

 

I hope her story and how long it took her to get better won't be discouraging in terms of the timeline.  Bottom line: SHE GOT WELL.  This is what we all need to  hang onto: PEOPLE HEAL FROM THIS.  That's the most important thing, right?

 

Half a lifetime ago when I was going through a depression which turned out to be caused by my body's total lack of a production of any estrogen at all ( :'( how good are you going to feel at 30 with no estrogen?) I had a friend who'd just come through post partum depression.  She just kept telling me that yes, she had felt every bit as bad as I was feeling and yes, now she was completely well.  This was the biggest comfort to me for that episode.  I think with benzos it's the same thing.  Just believing the people that say they once were lost, but now they're found!