6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Jenny,  Me too,  head s/x.. I had some pretty good on and off relief from it for about 3 days but woke up to the rushing and pulsing this morning. It gets a little better if I just get up.

.....I am so sorry Jenny ...this particular misery is just dogging you and me and Minnie. I went back and read the entire 'Support for Those With Head Pressure ' thread on Friday. It helped a lot to know that other BBs are enduring it ...and it reminded me ...again ...( seems like I need almost daily reassurance) that it is only w/d. When it hangs on day after day tor months I get worried ...and fearful...and depressed.

....The fact that it lets up ...sometimes for a few days is great indication for us that this is all w/d. ....We have come so far Jenny...this time next year this will all be a vague bad memory.

I am starting to think of all the things I want to be doing next Fall. ...

.....Thinking of you Jenny...wishing you relief and sunbreaks today.......coop

 

Coop, I'm so sorry, you haven't had many breaks, this has been a long wave.  I know!!  This can't go on indefinitely  Life's wave was breaking as he left for his retreat.  Let's hope for the best.

[[Gr...]]

Thank you Green

It has been rough these last couple of months..I'll be 5 months next week...I hope the cement chest and solar plexus gets easier as well as the crazy anxiety. Thanks for the reassurance; I needed it so badly.

 

 

It really does get better.  Mine is all gone, and that was the worst symptom.  It was unbearable.  And thanks for reminding me of how much I have healed - I need to hear that.

[[wh...]]

Thank you Coop

One day at a time.....I know.  I just miss the person I really am....she was strong and happy and fun.  I do things and put on a brave face but under it I am terrified or having some weird symptom....

You have been a good friend lady and an amazing person.

Today I will just endure and watch TV.  such a beautiful day out.  I will try and get out there.

Love and hugs.

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Coop you help everyone here so much even through all this hell.

Is it normal to feel this "dying" feeling....can't really explain it but it is like anguish.....

I just hold on when its like this.  I can't feel excited about the future because it seems like there is none.  All benzo lies I know...but it doesn't help knowing that....I just feel it no matter what.  It abates a bit in the evening.

This will be my second marriage; my kids are grown like yours.  He is a dream come true and I'm so afraid to lose him because of this.

I'm just getting used to waves and windows I guess.  I know about the constant reassurance; I need to hear over and over that this will end; that I am not going crazy; that I am not dying......ugh..

Thank you.  I can hardly wait to hear your success story...on the last leg of this awful journey you are...

 

Whoot, I've read a number of success stories where people found the loves of their lives in withdrawal, got married, where withdrawal was a positive life changing event. 

The negative thoughts, yes, all benzo lies.  And if you keep coming back here for support, you can chase them all away, they won't dominate your life.

 

Hang on,  you're almost through the worst of it.  It gets better

[[He...]]

Good Morning ... Peace ...yep ... we are where we are in the process ... keep our heads above the wave and paddle on ... the benzo demon is trying to argue with me again ... trying hard to rock my boat ...

 

11 months out today and I am still afloat ... lousy way to put that ... I am more than afloat ... I am moving on, day to day ... and that is what we are all doing ... day by day ... getting further and further out ... slowly, bit by bit, leaving the ordeal behind ... living and coping ...

 

Blessings to us all ...

 

Congrats on 11 months Nova!!  You are absolutely right....bit by bit we are slowly leaving this ordeal behind. 

[[mr...]]

Thanks Coop you help everyone here so much even through all this hell.

Is it normal to feel this "dying" feeling....can't really explain it but it is like anguish.....

I just hold on when its like this.  I can't feel excited about the future because it seems like there is none.  All benzo lies I know...but it doesn't help knowing that....I just feel it no matter what.  It abates a bit in the evening.

This will be my second marriage; my kids are grown like yours.  He is a dream come true and I'm so afraid to lose him because of this.

I'm just getting used to waves and windows I guess.  I know about the constant reassurance; I need to hear over and over that this will end; that I am not going crazy; that I am not dying......ugh..

Thank you.  I can hardly wait to hear your success story...on the last leg of this awful journey you are...

 

Hi Whootwhoot,

 

I liken it to a "foreboding" type feeling -- it is a LIE, so don't buy it. It "feels" like 'don't you go and do XYZ' or 'if you do XYZ, you'll "pay" for it', etc -- again, all LIES. Coop also had a good description earlier, about how she'd think of something mundane & ordinary she had on her schedule (like doing laundry) or an inanimate object (like a clock) and fear/dread/panic would "attach" itself to it, etc. I am a Christian, and so I've also experienced feelings of guilt, condemnation, etc about things. Like, "if I do XYZ it is not in God's 'will' for me, or its a 'sin', etc" again all LIES. Even if I do something wrong, I'm still in the family of God -- and He still loves me and protects me and showers me with blessings and abundance!

 

(Whew, that one was a challenge for me to mention -- I don't like doing wrong towards my God, so to feel and hear from within that I am or I might can be tricky to stand against. I love my God, and want to please Him always. )

 

Whootwhoot, we are going to emerge from this so wonderfully stable and whole again! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep resisting the lies of the benzo beast. Yes, you CAN and yes, you WILL! Me too!

 

Love to you, Whoot You're doing great Take care buddy,

 

Mrs.

[[wh...]]

Thanks GreenIce

The fear is horrible and I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.  It is unbearable.

Very hard today.  Is fear a sx all on its own without any reason.....

I assumed it was more about not breathing but sometimes it is about nothing that I can figure out.

It stops me from enjoying things. I want to crawl away and hide or worse not exist through this....

I'm not suicidal....but in anguish....ugh.

[[mr...]]

Thanks GreenIce

The fear is horrible and I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.  It is unbearable.

Very hard today.  Is fear a sx all on its own without any reason.....

I assumed it was more about not breathing but sometimes it is about nothing that I can figure out.

It stops me from enjoying things. I want to crawl away and hide or worse not exist through this....

I'm not suicidal....but in anguish....ugh.

 

Whootwhoot, one of the things that helped me with the intense fear was to go and do/face something that I "supposedly" "feared" that day. Even though I felt "fear" during, I also felt proud of myself and a small sense of accomplishment as well. I'm not sure if it will help you too, but I thought I'd mention it You are a warrior, buddy!! It is getting better as we speak!! I receive it by faith!! Love,

 

Mrs.

[[Mo...]]

Thanks GreenIce

The fear is horrible and I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.  It is unbearable.

Very hard today.  Is fear a sx all on its own without any reason.....

I assumed it was more about not breathing but sometimes it is about nothing that I can figure out.

It stops me from enjoying things. I want to crawl away and hide or worse not exist through this....

I'm not suicidal....but in anguish....ugh.

 

Woot, is there anyone there you can talk to.  I know we are a great sounding board, but sometimes it helps to have a body or a real voice to speak to about what you feel.  I go to my hubby or mom and tell them what I am feeling and ask them to reassure me.  The good news is this sensation will pass.  I know it's hard, but it will pass.

[[wh...]]

 

 

Not right now.  I think that's what is causing it to be unbearable.  My guy is at work and I couldn't meet him today for lunch because my truck is in the shop and FaceTime is not working on my iPhone.  He'll be home at 5.  Silly little things but they sent me into a tailspin.  Talking to him does help.

I just want the feeling to pass.  There is no reason for it. 

 

Thank you Loving Mother and Mrs   I know in my heart what's true and real but it sometimes seems like God has left the building.  I know it's not true but feeling that in itself is very painful.  Why would he allow this suffering?

I'm sorry guys I'm a real downer today.  I will snap out of it.

 

[[Co...]]

Woot....this is just a casual onbservation and I could be totally off but it seems like to me that those of who have jumped from ativan ( lorazapam) have a particularly tough time with health fears and intrusive thoughts. I know so well the ' smiling on the outside terrified conversation going on in the inside of my head ' pantomime.  ...

....Peace wrote something several pages back about we are only human ...not perfect people and we can only do what we can only do. It is important not to put undue stress on ourselves " to be all that we used to be ".  It is ok to be on the couch on a bad day.with mindless Tv. The physician who Pamster posted yells us that giving it the time it needs is an important part of healing. For me any pressure I put on my self to ' do ' on a bad day makes me worse. I realize that I am in a fortunate position ...being retired allows me to be in the moment and couch surf as needed ( although I can not begin to say how much I miss my work). People who are working and raising little children are saints and true warriors in my opinion. When I was in month 5 I was hardly out of bed.  in month 6 I pushed to get out every daybto ' do ' something.  .I crashed. In July I started to go to PT every other day and that was helpful to my body s/x but I crashed again ( though I don't regret going and I did hold up ...but a bad wave came along and crushed me....still recovering from that wave). ...Now I am taking direction from the article that Pamster posted.....and Sky ' s post from a few pages back. I am going very easy ...pushing gently on a good day.....not pushing at all on a bad day.....trying to tell myself...."It takes as long as it takes " ( Ralph Waldo Emerson..?). That is not to say that I want my life back ..but we cant walk on a broken leg until the bone is healed and I cant will myself to be more healed from benzos than I am

.....Whoot you are still pretty close to acute ( actually I think I was in acute from month 2.5- 6)....actually it pretty much all feels like acute to me at one intensity or another. I expect that to change in the second year.

....Just concentrate on getting one year behind you....and do whatever helps you get from one day to the next. That is not to say that there are no good days in the second half of year one...there are...but for me they were the unexpected gifts...and they kept me moving forward. ....Its going to be okay Whoot ...it is just a lengthy maze instead of a little trip around the square corners of the block....But like Green says,  " we are all going to heal and we are not losing anyone "......coop

[[Co...]]

Whoot...yes,  fear is a huge s/c on its own...it gets better. I used to be afraid to take a bath...afraid to take the dog out 10 feet .. afraid to leave my apartment...afraid of thoughts..just everyday thoughts not just scary thoughts. All my thoughts and memories were delivered with a stunning shot of fear. ...It is so much better now. Now I only feel real fear with body s/x and I can handle many of those now.

.  .I had good luck with lavender epsome salts ( Dr. Teals) hot bath soaks. Very soothing and the magnesium from the salts are absorbed through the skin and calm the body. Try to soak for 20 minutes if you can.  If it is 4/5 hours

[[wh...]]

Thanks Coop

That made me cry because you are all so kind.  I've had good days and I'm trying to hold on to that.  I think just the other day was pretty good.  Went shopping and things.....the up and down is so hard.....

I'll try the bath but today I am scared to get off the couch.  I'm trying to do a simple thing like reset my AppleID and it seems insurmountable.  Keep getting an error message.....ugh.  Over the top anxiety over something so silly.

Its been bad before but for some reason it seems worse after I was so good.

Thank you. 

[[Mo...]]

Thanks Coop

That made me cry because you are all so kind.  I've had good days and I'm trying to hold on to that.  I think just the other day was pretty good.  Went shopping and things.....the up and down is so hard.....

I'll try the bath but today I am scared to get off the couch.  I'm trying to do a simple thing like reset my AppleID and it seems insurmountable.  Keep getting an error message.....ugh.  Over the top anxiety over something so silly.

Its been bad before but for some reason it seems worse after I was so good.

Thank you. 

 

Whoot.. also, after you have good windows, the waves seem bigger, but they aren't.  It's the roller coaster. I am having the same problem today.  Lots of couch time and internal hysteria.  Did you get the apple id reset?  Do you have an apple tv?  Please know that as hard as this is, it's part of the process and not just a you thing.  God is there somewhere dear.  I"ve been listening to sermons, etc. on youtube, but my spirit is weary today.  Hold on until your man gets home at 5pm.  I wish I had some of the bath salts Coop talks about.  Let's try to get out of our homes tomorrow and pick some up.  I believe they work. 

 

I am going to get up now and do some dishes.  It's 78 and I've got a sweatshirt on because now my hot flashes give me the chills.  I am thinking about what Minnie posted from Pamster's doc and giving it time.  This is not an easy thing to do, but our best path to follow. 

[[Sk...]]

Thanks Coop

That made me cry because you are all so kind.  I've had good days and I'm trying to hold on to that.  I think just the other day was pretty good.  Went shopping and things.....the up and down is so hard.....

I'll try the bath but today I am scared to get off the couch.  I'm trying to do a simple thing like reset my AppleID and it seems insurmountable.  Keep getting an error message.....ugh.  Over the top anxiety over something so silly.

Its been bad before but for some reason it seems worse after I was so good.

Thank you. 

 

Whoot, if you are having a bad moment, maybe it would be better to limit your reasons to be anxious. I know for a fact that I am incapable of handling technology now. So, I have made an agreement with mr SKy to go directly to him before I start obsessing and making myself sick. He hates it ! He was so used to being the one that came to me when phones needed to be figured out.

It was a source of stress for me.

I have no idea if this is your case but I wanted to tell you just in case.

 

Sorry your window is over and you are in  a wave. Hold on and hang in there.

[[Sk...]]

Whoot...yes,  fear is a huge s/c on its own...it gets better. I used to be afraid to take a bath...afraid to take the dog out 10 feet .. afraid to leave my apartment...afraid of thoughts..just everyday thoughts not just scary thoughts. All my thoughts and memories were delivered with a stunning shot of fear. ...It is so much better now. Now I only feel real fear with body s/x and I can handle many of those now.

.  .I had good luck with lavender epsome salts ( Dr. Teals) hot bath soaks. Very soothing and the magnesium from the salts are absorbed through the skin and calm the body. Try to soak for 20 minutes if you can.  If it is 4/5 hours

 

Ah the good old days of being scared of bathing ! Now, I am still scared of the whole bathroom scene but at least I am able to take a shower. With my feet in a bucket no less, but a shower ! The bucket makes  me less scared I will slip, break a bone and hit my head and la-di-da, you get my drift !

I swear these are still my thoughts at some level but it is so much better. Just writing them down, as I am doing now, makes me laugh because I see the pattern of spiralling fear.

 

Those showers save my life, though. The bucket too. Maybe.  But at least it shuts up that overchatty amygdala of mine !

 

 

[[Co...]]

Whoot...sorry about that last post I made to you...my tablet lost its charge. I was just going to close by saying that if you are counting town hours until Mr. Whoot comes home...just get there half hour by half hour ....I used to mark time by sit cons ...I would get from Big Bang Theory...to Modern Family etc etc.

....Whoot I promise you this gets better. It just takes time...coop

[[Gr...]]

Thanks GreenIce

The fear is horrible and I'm not even sure what it is I'm afraid of.  It is unbearable.

Very hard today.  Is fear a sx all on its own without any reason.....

I assumed it was more about not breathing but sometimes it is about nothing that I can figure out.

It stops me from enjoying things. I want to crawl away and hide or worse not exist through this....

I'm not suicidal....but in anguish....ugh.

 

Whoot, the fear is organic, you're not afraid of anything in particular - the fear takes you over.  I used to wake up with that before I even opened my eyes in the morning.

 

Remember, it's a normal withdrawal sx, most of us here have had it.  It makes no sense, it happens, and then it goes away, it really does.  Just soothe yourself with that, it's not real, it's a symptom, and it will go away.  Symptoms are bullies.  Pretty soon you'll be stronger, and you'll figure out ways to deal with them. 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Coop

That made me cry because you are all so kind.  I've had good days and I'm trying to hold on to that.  I think just the other day was pretty good.  Went shopping and things.....the up and down is so hard.....

I'll try the bath but today I am scared to get off the couch.  I'm trying to do a simple thing like reset my AppleID and it seems insurmountable.  Keep getting an error message.....ugh.  Over the top anxiety over something so silly.

Its been bad before but for some reason it seems worse after I was so good.

Thank you. 

 

Oh, Whoot, you're making me remember how hard it was.  Yes, Coop is right, my acute was from jump until almost six months out.  I had a few sunbreaks, as Coop calls them, but it was a nightmare.  That frozen feeling, unable even to reset your I.D., that's fear, but I later recognized that as extreme, extreme anxiety.  I was frozen for a long time.  I couldn't do the simplest things.  And my poor mind had something going on that didn't allow me to use the coping skills I know I have, just to understand what was happening.  You're almost there.  remember when I got really bad, when I felt like I was at the end of my rope, I couldn't stand it another minute, it would break and I would start to feel better.  So let's look forward to that for you 

[[Gr...]]

Whoot...yes,  fear is a huge s/c on its own...it gets better. I used to be afraid to take a bath...afraid to take the dog out 10 feet .. afraid to leave my apartment...afraid of thoughts..just everyday thoughts not just scary thoughts. All my thoughts and memories were delivered with a stunning shot of fear. ...It is so much better now. Now I only feel real fear with body s/x and I can handle many of those now.

.  .I had good luck with lavender epsome salts ( Dr. Teals) hot bath soaks. Very soothing and the magnesium from the salts are absorbed through the skin and calm the body. Try to soak for 20 minutes if you can.  If it is 4/5 hours

 

Ah the good old days of being scared of bathing ! Now, I am still scared of the whole bathroom scene but at least I am able to take a shower. With my feet in a bucket no less, but a shower ! The bucket makes  me less scared I will slip, break a bone and hit my head and la-di-da, you get my drift !

I swear these are still my thoughts at some level but it is so much better. Just writing them down, as I am doing now, makes me laugh because I see the pattern of spiralling fear.

 

Those showers save my life, though. The bucket too. Maybe.  But at least it shuts up that overchatty amygdala of mine !

 

Yes, Sky, the bano holds many challenges. Does bano cover toilet and shower?

[[Co...]]

Mommy R ....I am sorry you are miserable with the sweats. I get them too.  Maybe not the intensity of yours but several times in the day and at night 2/3 times. They come on with a vengeance and a spike of anxiety. To me it feels just like when you stand in front of a camp fire too close.. prickly hot heat...I cant throw the blanket off fast enough ....and they make me slightly breathless. Mine only last 3/4 minutes...but its intense all the way through. For me they are more intense than I experienced during menopause. ....Don't be afraid to go to your doctor and have the lab tests. 9 times out of 10 you get reassuring results. PianoGirl says she went to her doctor several times during w/d and always came away reassured and never had any of the things she feared. I don't like to go either. My fear is that my doctor who I like very much as he is supportive of w/d will try to treat me for something I really don't have.

.....I understand the health fears....they have a fierce life of their own....I hope this passes for you very soon....coop

[[je...]]

Whoot-- it gets better, it really does. Month 5 was one of my worst, its a tough one but you will get through it! I love that everyone on here has the most caring advice for you, great people on here!

 

Hi peace-- I hope your day got better for you, I love your positive attitude.

 

Hi mommy-- sorry about the sweating, I have heard of others having it too. I know I've seen people make posts solely dedicated to it. Feel better soon

[[Sk...]]

Whoot, this is how I see it.

 

We are afraid. Then our brain looks for reasons to be afraid.  HAng in there girl. BTW I too though you were a kid !

 

 

[[wh...]]

I know that silly fear of having a shower...Not sure why though..I'm not afraid of falling I'm just afraid.

Today its bringing me to my knees.  Begging God to stop it....it's mental anguish.

I need constant reassurance that it will get better.  Sorry guys.

Thank you for hanging out with me today.  I don't know what I would do without you.

I can't believe how much you can cry on a bad day.  Keeping Kleenex in business at least. 

It all gets better right....it's not me....right....this is withdrawal and it will get better....right?

[[Co...]]

Whoot...it is not you...and it does get better...you will feel better when your honey is home...just get that far....so sorry you are in this hell today....coop