Knackered in the Dark with Benzos

   If we’re really honest with ourselves, most of us can attest to the fact that, at this time, we’re not the sharpest tool in the garden shed.  In fact, total awareness, full cognition, acute sensibility and the like expired about the time we hit the halfway point on our taper.  Yes, if you’ve got the bucks and the wherewithal to find them, you can attend online courses in everything from positive thinking to weight loss through power eating.  Yes, multi tasking and on point awareness are also out there.  However ‘finding oneself’ (a huge thing back in the 60’s and early 70’s) has now been replaced by the GPS app on your phone. 

   Finding yourself in the dark (we’re not talking metaphorically here) is much harder to do.  While I was sleeping last night, the power in the neighborhood went out.  So how did I know?  Well I woke up and attempted to make my way to the bathroom; a nighttime urinary procedure that we’re all quite familiar with. I made it to my feet. Grabbed my cane and started for the bedroom door.  Feeling in a state of semi- consciousness, I never made it past the dresser.  I went down, full-face plant somewhere in the hallway.   Fortunately no damage was done.  My wife rescued me, got me on my feet and pointed me in the right direction.  With the clocks all blinking ‘high noon’ and the street lights out, the whole thing was like a paranormal encounter with your ‘other self’ ‘ (whatever).  

   The last thing that I can remember is my wife telling me that something was apparently amiss with the microwave as it showed no sign of life.  I muttered a reply about fixing it in the morning and drifted back into a fitful state of semi consciousness.  A later dream had me calling an electrician and paying full price to have it repaired, only to realize that the breaker in the electric panel had simply needed resetting.  Of course, when I finally stumbled back out in the morning, the microwave was fine.  I wish I could say the same for myself. I was hammered.

   I’m generally a reflective type of person and look for the deeper meaning in most things, good or bad.  In this instance my take away strangely paralleled the whole benzo WD path that we struggle along.  We operate in the dark most of the time, never really knowing where we’re going.  Weird stuff keeps happening to us that we don’t really understand.  And we oft times find ourselves only partially conscious of where we’re at or where we should be going.  

     Of course, tapering too fast or too much is usually the problem.  If we wind up in acute or in that wonderful state of kindling, we find ourselves much like Alice and down the rabbit hole once again.  If you can kick the side effects to the curb, the whole experience can become somewhat enlightening.  It takes a bit of practice.  Meditation has been my salvation in this process.  You can teach yourself.  The ‘do it yourself ‘ plan is right there alongside the podcast on astral projection through transmutation.  Skip that whole thing and just sit down, close your eyes, and do what we do best at this stage, absolutely nothing at all.  

   I don’t want to burst your bubble, but if you’re trying to make lists, multi task, and hit a step goal on your fit bit all at the same time, the human mind has only evolved to be fully present in the current moment.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Taper on friends.