Increasing Phobias

[[an...]]

Hi everyone.  Wasn't sure where to put this but thought this might be the right area.  It probably all stems from being depressed as a result of being on Klonopin and going through w/d last year as a result of coming off of 3 psych drugs much too fast.  I'm near the end of my taper from Klonopin (.10mg and taking it slow) and have noticed an increase in the past couple of months in the phobias that have developed as a result of the on-again, off-again merry-go-round of psych drugs that have been "tested" on me.  Has this happened to anyone else as they were coming close to the end of their taper off of K?  It's awful.  My insecurities, e.g. not being able to be alone and being afraid everyone will desert me and feeling very distant from those who are close to me, are increasing as I get close to the end of my taper.  I try not to let it crop up too much in my talking with people b/c I'm afraid that will drive them away, too.  Most people just don't get it since they aren't going through this. 

 

Is this all part of withdrawal?  It's horrible!

 

Thanks,

 

Jan

[[Pa...]]

Hi Jan,

 

As you know I didn't taper, so I had a year of "healing" take place.  But, all through that time I had the phobia's you're talking about.  I was insecure, agoraphobic and paranoid the whole time. 

 

These feelings, the worst of them left me more and more as time went by.  Jan, I quit Klonopin on Oct 10, 2007 and I'm still noticing improvements in myself.  I laugh more now than I did a few months ago.  I'm more relaxed around people now.  I'm sure this isn't all withdrawal related, but it shows me that things are always changing. 

 

The way you are today is not the way you will be a month from today.  Part of your fear comes from all or nothing thinking.  Try not to believe that this will be who you are forever, life doesn't work like that. 

 

I think it's good you don't express these fears, they will drive people away.  It's up to you to gather your own strength and feel good about yourself.  You know, no one can do that for you.  Be calm, trust these feelings are not real and think positively.

 

Pam

[[li...]]

I was insecure, agoraphobic and paranoid the whole time.

 

Jan I did the same as Pam also. Had all this, I am the least type person that would be this way. I never meet a stranger and love to get out and talk to people. It really scared me I thought I was beginning to develop these problems. I can remember wanting to go but would get to the car and just had to force myself to get in. Going to the grocery and just gripping the shopping cart wishing I could just leave. This is only temporary...I am back to my old self now. Can't think of enough things I want to do. Isn't it strange how a med that is suppose to help you can cause these kinds of feelings? Hang in there and it will pass, didn't take long after I got off that I did not have these feelings anymore. 

 

M

[[an...]]

Hi Pam and Litobit:

 

I guess I am REALLY feeling insecure and hopeless right now and needed a huge boost of assurance that what I'm experiencing is part of the w/d and will leave.  You nailed it, Pam - the fear partially comes from all or nothing thinking.  Amazing how these drugs do that and it becomes so ingrained in us.  I do spend time with a counselor and we review things just like this, and I do take a long, hard look when I have a chance to just sit and be still to reflect on what is reality and what is not.  Clearly, these things are not, but they have plagued me for so long now -  hard to convince myself it's not ME!  The one thing that hasn't happened to me is a fear of going out; I haven't been able to stay in due to feeling so alone all the dog-gone time.  I'm hoping I can be free of that feeling one day and be content to spend time by myself (but not ALL the time!).

 

Thank you both!

 

Jan

[[Mi...]]

Hi Jan,

 

You are not alone!.  I NEVER had phobias about anything until I did a Xanax cold turkey and then started tapering with valium.  Some days I have very, very bad phobias about what most would consider stupid stuff: dust mites, mold, agorophobia,and things like that.  I now know it is the drugs and that one day I will be free of these horrible mind tricks. Again, never had a phobia in my life until a doctor gave me Xanax and Lexapro do "deal" with my sister's death back in 2006. Stayed on Lexapro maybe 3 days, but stayed on Xanax much longer.  Benzos play awful tricks on our minds, so when you feel paranoid or a fear of something, try and remind yourself it is simply the benzos and that one day you will be healed! I know it's hard, but you have all of us for support to get you through this.

Please hang in there, and know that phobias are very common for some of us. We'll get through this together!

Missy

[[an...]]

Missy:

 

A big THANK YOU for that reply.  Oh boy - am I having the trouble with phobias right now.  And one of them seems to be that the people who really care for me are backing off.  It MAY be happening or it may not, and I realize my perception of things is very skewed at this point.  It seems as though some people back off because it is taking so long to get better and they don't know what to do or say.  It hurts and there's nothing I can do about it.  Then all of the phobias join forces and have a party, and WOW! is that every tough.  It's such a long, lonely journey.  I'm really scared right now.  It seems to be getting a bit worse as I get closer to the end of my taper.  Geeezzz!!!!

 

Jan

[[Pa...]]

I can't stress enough to you how you must not give in to this.  You're feeling paranoid and insecure, these are feelings inside of you brought on by withdrawing from benzo's.  Do not act on these feelings, they are not real.

 

The quickest way to drive people away is to go after them, hounding them for validation.  Remember, everything for them is normal, you are the one stuck in a time warp of pain and fear. 

 

Let those who love you know you love them and force yourself to feel secure in their love for you.  Don't listen to the lies the withdrawal symptoms are telling you.

[[an...]]

Pam:

 

EXACTLY what I know I needed to hear.  Yep - paranoid and insecure says it all right now, and I surely don't want to hound people (I try hard not to let a lot of it escape other than finding my 1 or 2 people to pour my heart out to in person - one of them being my counselor).  Once I'm reminded that these things I hear so loudly inside myself are lies, I can proceed a bit better.  I wish I didn't need that reminder so often, but I do right now, and I know this is the best place to come for that reinforcement. 

 

I feel like standing up in the middle of a room sometimes and saying, "Will the real Jan please stand up because it's obvious she isn't here right now!" 

 

Hard to imagine that everything for people around me is normal - they can't get in my head to have any clue what's going on.  I'm sure when they look at me they still have no idea.  I'm told that when you look at me, if I didn't say anything, I just look very tired.  I guess that's good - not sure other than when people ask how I'm doing, since they know I'm struggling, I say, "Things are still the same" and they know.

 

Thanks, Pam.  How is it you know just what to say to me?

 

Jan

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Thanks, Pam.  How is it you know just what to say to me?

 

Jan

 

 

 

Because I was there Jan, because I was there....

 

[[an...]]

Yeah - I know that...  really, I do.  I know you went through your own personal hell and that's why you're so good for and with everyone else.  It's a shame we benzo heads need reminded of this stuff constantly. 

 

I will get through this - I am determined!

 

Thanks for the ray of hope.

 

Jan

[[La...]]

Hi Jan, I'm at the end of my taper (8 weeks to go) and I am having very similar feelings.  Feeling very fearful, paranoid, negative thinking, afraid to be alone.  I don't understand it.  I thought I would feel a lot better so close to the end.  I remember feeling like this a lot a while back and never thought I would end up here again.  We have to just keep telling ourselves that this is just messed up benzo thinking and it will pass.  It seems others have had this happen too.  You are not alone and we WILL get throught this.  How are you doing today?

 

xoxo

Lyd

[[an...]]

Hi Lyd:

 

Oh wow is all I've gotta say to your reply!  Do you have any idea what it's like to get validation this way?  That someone else's taper so closely mirrors mine?  Trust me - I don't take pleasure in someone else's suffering, but the assurance that it's clearly NOT me and who I am is just priceless.  I'm like you - I don't understand these stupid phobias, but you are right - we have to keep telling ourselves it's the med and the w/d and not us.  I am down to .06mg of Klonopin and have to go very slowly at this point.  I've tried to go a bit faster, and toward the end it just doesn't work.  My body revolts very loudly!  Also, just having been on the Klonopin now for 10 months (and for the 3rd time) is doing its nasty bidding on my body.  I can't seem to get any balance in my life - don't know when to do my errands, how to balance when I do things with friends and my mother, tough time making decisions about these things, in addition to all of the above that you mentioned.  That's where I'm at.  How are you feeling today?  I will certainly be thinking about you, hoping you have windows of relief.  Have you experienced any of those recently?  I haven't had one since last October.  Hoping it will happen very soon - for me, you and everyone else here.

 

Thank you so much for your response.  It means so much to me!

 

Jan

[[La...]]

Hi Jan,  I'm really glad you received some validation for my post.  It's so freaky having these symptoms come back to bite me so close to the end too.  It sure does help to know it happens to other people too because if we think we the ONLY ones that it's happening to the the dark paranoid thoughts get worse.  I have had some windows.  Last Friday was one of them, then Sunday was getting a bit wierd and yesterday it hit the fan. Yesterday afternoon I completely freaked myself out with awful paranoid thoughts, crying...shaking....rocking ...the whole bit.  Praying to God...saying "please please make this stop".  That pretty much continued all evening.  Today I'm ok so far but I was ok yesterday morning too.  It's just so unpredictable and scares me so much every time it happens.  You would think I'd be used to this by now and be able to tell myself these are just w/d symptoms but I buy into it every time and think the paranoid stuff I'm thinking is real.  Right now I feel ok and I can say, "yep they were just w/d symptoms but when it's happening I have a hard time separating myself from the thoughts....if that makes any sense.  I also can relate to how you feel about pushing people away.  My sister called yesterday afternoon while I was a mess and I just started crying on the phone to her about how I was feeling and there was just silence on the on other end.  She didn't know what the heck to say to me.  I really need to keep my mouth shut about my symptoms to people who haven't been through this.  I think it scares them and pushes them away.  It's good that you're not afraid to go out..the agoraphobia really stinks.  I feel safe in the house yet so totally alone at the same time.  The thought that really takes me down is when I think that I'm messed up permanantly and I'll never be "normal" again.  From what I've learned most people in benzo w/d fear this, again, this thinking is just another w/d symptom.  Yet when I'm in that frame of mind, I still believe it.  It's so strange.  Let's keep as positive as we can and not loose hope.  We got great people here at BB who have been through this and are fine now.  We will be too!

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

 

Lyd

[[an...]]

Hi Lyd:

 

OK girl - hold on to your window you have today and really enjoy it, and let's pray it stays.  But if it doesn't, you have us here to tell you that it's not you and it's the med and the withdrawal.

 

Boy, everything you wrote sure seems like I typed it myself!  And the part about the silence at the other end of the phone - yep, I get that, too.  I'm one of those people who just has to let things out or I feel like I'll burst.  It's hard keeping that much pain and despair inside, but I'm getting a bit better at knowing who I can tell these things to.  I'm sure your sister loves you and doesn't want you in pain, the same way my friends feel but don't know what to say.  It is hard hearing silence.  It makes you feel even more alone, but one day, when we're better, we'll be able to fully explain ourselves and the experience we had.  Who knows?  When we're better, we may not even care about doing that.  Wouldn't that be nice?

 

I'm so glad you found this forum.  This is the place to be when going through benzo hell. 

 

You will be in my thoughts and prayers as well.

 

Jan