Humiliated asking people for help

[[Be...]]

I'm not able to drive now due to this w/d, and I'm humiliated and embarrassed asking people for help, such as, getting rides to the grocery store, help with my car and repairs around my home.  I feel guilty that I need to bother people like this.  Plus, I'm somewhat afraid of social interaction now too because I feel so weird with the dp, boaty, dizziness, etc, so that stresses me out as well.  I'm housebound and live alone.  I was always so self sufficient before these benzo's, could take care of myself, drive, work, socialize, etc.  Now, I have panic and head s/x's most days and can't function very well.  I panicked last night because I ran out of iced tea and needed to call a friend to please pick some tea bags up for me when he went to the store.  I get panicky now about my food and running out of things or it going bad.  Pre benzo, it was no big deal, I could jump in the car and get what I needed.  I thought I would be well by now at one year off, but no such luck.  Does anyone else have these issues with needing to depend on others?  How do you cope with this?

[[ni...]]

    I know how you feel about getting groceries, errands and such. Im still not comfortable about driving even

    though Im doing better. I try and not ask for rides to often. Yes, nothing about any of this is easy to cope

    with. Running out of soda was no biggie....until this started.

[[Te...]]

I stock up. I prefer to stock up at Costco, but during my first few weeks it was just too much for me to go someplace like that.

 

Instead, I'd go to my local Safeway about 8:30 p.m., after the end-of-work rush. The store was virtually empty at 8:30, so I was able to go in and buy what I needed. I stocked up on basics, like soup, beans, and frozen veggies. I found it really hard to cook during my first couple of months, so if I wanted a hot meal it was usually chicken noodle soup or a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread. Man, I must have eaten a couple of hundred grilled cheese sandwiches those first two months -- and now I haven't had one in ages.

 

If you really can't drive, then don't feel bad about asking someone to take you in the late evening. Maybe pick up a treat for them. I pushed myself and drove. I was in a daze and I stayed in the slow right-hand lane, but Safeway is only about half a mile away, so it wasn't a big chore. I really tried to stock up so I only had to go up there one evening a week.

 

After about two months, though, it began to get easier to go to the store during the day and I found that the period from 2-4 p.m. was usually pretty quiet, too.

 

I don't know how far your grocery store is from you, but if you have the $ you can always take a cab...

 

Hang in there. You are in very early acute withdrawal, so things will probably be kind of tough for some weeks. I can tell you, though, that things do get easier. I push myself to get out and that's helped desensitize me to a lot of things others seems to stress about.

 

Push yourself, but not so hard that it causes you harm. In time, you'll find the balance...

 

You're benzo free, so CELEBRATE THAT!

[[Ri...]]

The way I deal with asking for help is to realize the truth of what I am going through - I'm recovering from a brain injury.

 

Defining benzo recovery as a brain injury helps me to see the reality of what I am doing.

 

And it helps others understand what is going on - because they can't wrap their minds around benzo brain unless they experience it.

 

But people CAN understand what recovering from a brain injury could be like. Tell yourself and your helpers about your situation in these terms and see if that helps.   

 

 

 

River

[[Te...]]

Wait! I just re-read your signature and you're more than one-year off, so you are NOT in "early acute withdrawal." By now benzos have been out of your system for months, so you should be on your way to recovery. Wow, you didn't use all that long, either, so I'm just curious what you think is causing you so many problems? You said you're housebound. Do you ever FORCE YOURSELF to go out?

 

I saw that 11/22/12 and it didn't click on me that it was one year ago. I was thinking 11/22/13...

 

I don't know what to tell you other than to push yourself. No pain, no gain...

[[Be...]]

Tex, it astonishing to me that I have had such a bad w/d on such a low dose and being off this long.  Believe it or not, last year right before I jumped in November, I was riding my motorcycle at night in thunderstorms and now I can't drive my car.  Riding a motorcycle is very challenging and requires the utmost in balance and cognition, quick thinking, etc.  I could do most all my own house repairs including the roof and small engine repair on my lawn mower, valve adjustments and all maintenance on my MC, etc.  I was very good at my job when I worked, ran my own lab and needed to be a quick thinker to manage the high volume work, plus I walked and lifted lots of weight in samples for my job too.  Now, I can barely put two thoughts together.  Can't walk very well without getting dizzy, and feel like death most days with high anxiety, head throbbing, fear, etc.  I'm living on half my income now, but that's happened to me before in the past and I was always able to function and ride my MC.  Some people wonder if those who are suffering over one year could have another problem, and I know it's the benzo's.  I see the before and after and there's no doubt.  These benzo's screwed me up and good.  Maybe it's my genetic makeup that caused me to have such a hard time?  My dad was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and I had anxiety pre benzo's, but was very functional.  Needed the benzo's because I was being bullied at work. 

 

River Wolf,  your words are always reassuring and filled with hope.  Thank you.  It is a brain injury and it's so hard to deal with it psychologically.  It's taking such a huge toll on me in every way imaginable.

[[Ri...]]

Becks - A similar thing happened to me, but not as extreme as you.

 

I was ok when I first jumped and then the 3rd month out the waves started for the first time.

 

 

I don't know what to tell you. Generally, I blame it on the benzos. Listen to your intuition and try to determine if you should look for some other cause.

 

But I think it's the benzos.

 

 

River

[[ge...]]

Becks, many people are still very sick at a year. It's not unusual. You do what you can, don't put undue stress on yourself. When you feel better, you will obviously do more. Until then... I know it's hard asking for help, I've hd the same problem. I got to a point where I just accepted that that's where I'm at and people are happy to help if they can.

[[De...]]

I can totally relate. In the first few months after I went C/T I had a lot of support from people as far as rides and encouragement go but as time went on and they didn't see me doing 'enough' for my recovery (mainly just not getting a job, despite trying) resentment began to blossom. I started to avoid these people as I got tired of the constant advice (not like I wasn't already hyper focused and upset with my own shortcomings), and a week later I relapsed on heroin. Fast forward another month, my fiance left me because I wasn't making any progress in life and I moved into an apartment to get away from the dope, only to spend a lot of time isolating. We're working things out now (hopefully )but I'd give my left nut just to make certain people in my life understand the depth of what I'm actually going through on a daily basis.

 

Stay strong guys.

[[Be...]]

I'm not trying to defend myself, it's more of explaining what's going on.  I believe that I'm having such a hard time because I have this benzo w/d with many external stressors that keep me from healing very well.  I remember reading the Ashton manual and her commenting about having good positive support systems in place.  Well, I don't.  I have a few friends, but don't see any of them for many days since I live alone and my friends live elsewhere.  Don't visit with the neighbors because I live in a poverty-stricken place and I was raised in a big home in nice middle class suburbia.  These people scare me; I can't relate to them at all:  their kids are in jail for robbery, there's drug dealing, yelling, etc.  My mother never calls me, I always need to call her--she doesn't really care about me; no family support.  I have trauma from being bullied on the job and nightmares from it still.  I have a low income now on disability since losing my job and spend all my days cooped up in this very small old place with roof leaks and other leaks which I can't afford to fix, just get cheap patching done on them which doesn't help.  I have no money to spend on anything.  A loud highway right beside my window.  Plus, I have untreated Lyme disease because the antibiotics revved me up so badly, I couldn't function.  I don't have anything in the world helping me or boosting me up and giving me hope.  Here I go again, lamenting, but it's the truth.  You should walk in my shoes for one day and see how horrible my life is now.  I'm beyond depressed.  I don't think I'll be alive for even another year.  I have chest pain and tightness everyday and probably will have an MI or stroke soon.  Just as well; it will put me out of my misery.  I can't live like this anymore.  Not being able to function well at all now is going to be the last straw for me.  Of course, I'm aware it's my benzo brain talking, but this depression and fear is not getting better, it's getting worse.  I think the people who heal are those who have a hopeful future or fate.  I don't see it for me.   

[[Te...]]

Becksblue:

 

I came back here to you because earlier I was under a lot of pressure to put into words what I was thinking. My wife was calling me for dinner and I was in a hurry, so I may have seemed exasperated or maybe made you feel that something was wrong with you. I merely was trying to fathom why, after more than a year, you are still having such severe symptoms. I was more curious than critical, so, please, accept my apologies if I offended you in any way. That was not my intent.

 

As for gettingthere's snide remark, I'm not going to address it. She and I have had past conflicts, so she has some hostile feelings against me that I'm just going to ignore. There's just no pleasing some people...

 

Hang in there. I send you my best and, again, I'm sorry I was in such a rush earlier.

 

Best wishes,

 

Tex

 

[[Be...]]

I can totally relate. In the first few months after I went C/T I had a lot of support from people as far as rides and encouragement go but as time went on and they didn't see me doing 'enough' for my recovery (mainly just not getting a job, despite trying) resentment began to blossom. I started to avoid these people as I got tired of the constant advice (not like I wasn't already hyper focused and upset with my own shortcomings), and a week later I relapsed on heroin. Fast forward another month, my fiance left me because I wasn't making any progress in life and I moved into an apartment to get away from the dope, only to spend a lot of time isolating. We're working things out now (hopefully )but I'd give my left nut just to make certain people in my life understand the depth of what I'm actually going through on a daily basis.Stay strong guys.

I get sick of people treating me like I'm their kid and telling me what to do and how it is, like I'm a five year old.  I'm a grown woman.  People are always doing that to me, even so-called friends.

 

No one will understand who hasn't been through it, but my friends see such a huge change in me and my abilities, they know it's damage from these drugs.  They have no doubt about it either, nor does my one sister.  I always tell them:  You know last year I was riding my motorcycle and now this year I can't even drive my car.  That clinches it for them.  They get it.  I can show them an example of who I was and now, and they know it's not just mental illness, but neurological. 

[[ge...]]

Tex, I didn't mean to upset you, I was looking out for becks. I will change my comment, I apologize.

[[Be...]]

Becksblue:

 

I'm ignoring gettingthere's snide comment. She and I have had our run-ins, so I just ignore her comments. She has some agenda and trying to make sense of what it is simply is not worth it, to me.

 

Anyway, I came back here to you because earlier I was under a lot of pressure to put into words what I was thinking. My wife was calling me for dinner and I was in a hurry, so I may have seemed exasperated or maybe made you feel that something was wrong with you. I merely was trying to fathom why, after more than a year, you are still having such severe symptoms. I was more curious than critical, so, please, accept my apologies if I offended you in any way. That was not my intent.

 

Hang in there. I send you my best and, again, I'm sorry I was in such a rush earlier.

 

Best wishes,

 

Tex

 

Tex, you didn't offend me at all with your previous post.  I didn't take it as my needing to defend.  I took it just as you explained:  that you were curious why I was having such a hard time at a year off and I did put a post up explaining why. 

[[ge...]]

The reason I was upset was because last week tex told me at 16 months I needed to "get out of my bedroom". I have tried so hard to do just that and have been doing well, so felt belittled when tex said thst to me. I wanted to be sure you didn't feel the same way. Maybe I was a bit too reactive, sorry.

[[Be...]]

The reason I was upset was because last week tex told me at 16 months I needed to "get out of my bedroom". I have tried so hard to do just that and have been doing well, so felt belittled when tex said thst to me. I wanted to be sure you didn't feel the same way. Maybe I was a bit too reactive, sorry.

 

no problem, getting there.  You know how it is when words are typed.  Meanings aren't always very clear.  It's even hard face to face to know what a person means by something they say.

[[De...]]

 

I get sick of people treating me like I'm their kid and telling me what to do and how it is, like I'm a five year old.  I'm a grown woman.  People are always doing that to me, even so-called friends.

 

 

 

Tell me about it.. I got into a god damn fist fight with my room mate and good friend that's been in my life since 2nd grade last night because he won't get off my ass when I have waves of symptoms and lose motivation as a result. Thinks that he 'knows' what I'm going through and insists that he 'goes through the same thing' and I'm 'just lazy'. I'm not lazy.. I'm brain damaged.

[[De...]]

The reason I was upset was because last week tex told me at 16 months I needed to "get out of my bedroom". I have tried so hard to do just that and have been doing well, so felt belittled when tex said thst to me.

 

Lol, this sounds like me and my room mate as of last night.. if only he were yelling at you and clapping his hands in rapid succession to further illustrate his point.

[[Ga...]]

so far off, ppl expect us to be doing so much better. some do but im not one of them, becks

 

unless you go through it most dont know what its like.

 

some get progressively better, some of us get stuck. its just going to take us longer i guess.

[[Be...]]

The reason I was upset was because last week tex told me at 16 months I needed to "get out of my bedroom". I have tried so hard to do just that and have been doing well, so felt belittled when tex said thst to me.

 

Lol, this sounds like me and my room mate as of last night.. if only he were yelling at you and clapping his hands in rapid succession to further illustrate his point.

 

This is such a lonely road we're all on.  My one friend said I need to just get motivated or something like that.  I told him, my brain is so f'd up, I can't even form the desire of motivation in my thoughts now with all these s/x's.  Nothing humane registers now, just fear, anxiety, depression, etc and they aren't even real or based in reality.  I haven't had a haircut in 9 months and my neighbors probably think I'm just mentally ill now, but my thoughts are all messed up. 

[[De...]]

No doubt. I'm worried that I won't even make a 'full recovery' either.. tbh. The reason I started on benzos in the first place was because of these sudden panic attacks, crippling anxiety, and probably some dz/dp that I started getting after a long MDMA/Methamphetamine binge that fried me pretty hard. Since then I've done more Meth, Crack, Heroin, and an array of other substances to the point of going in out of 4 inpatient rehab centers. Currently on Suboxone for my Heroin addiction, as I was on the verge of suicide trying to fend off gut wrenching dope cravings along with the after effects of massive amounts of benzos and meth. I try to keep it in perspective though.. the brain heals from ALL drugs, well mostly anyways. I knew benzos were bad when I started them but I didn't consider that they could be just as bad as Methamphetamine, maybe worse.

[[fr...]]

When you ask someone for help you are giving them a precious gift. To be needed and to give in response to that need fills a human soul like no other thing. We are here for each other, nothing else matters more, and I know that if the shoe was on the other foot you would, as a Christian, consider it an honor and a duty to help someone. Sorry I'm not of 'this world'. 

[[Sn...]]

Becks,

 

I you still on the restoril or ambien?  When did you get off those?  I know what ambien is but what is restoril?

 

Snufi

[[De...]]

 

 

I you still on the restoril or ambien?  When did you get off those?  I know what ambien is but what is restoril?

 

Snufi

 

Restoril is the brand name for Temazepam (a benzo).

[[Sn...]]

Thanx Becks for info on restoril.  So when you say you have been off benzos since nov 12 you are including the restoril and ambien?

 

Snufi