Being a good wife & human being

[[Ma...]]

I know other people have experienced life crises while still continuing on with their tapers and/or dealing with withdrawal s/x.  So, I'm asking for some guidance and encouragement.

 

I feel pretty flat emotionally but I know my emotions are just hiding below the surface.  Most of the time my brain is on sleep mode, meaning I don't try to solve big problems or deal with major issues....just skating through life as well as I can.  I definitely don't feel like myself through all the s/x.

 

However, something unavoidable came up which is that my mother-in-law is at the end stage of her life and under hospice care.  My husband is having a hard time dealing with it because it is so painful and he was already depressed before we got the news.  Now he has fallen into a deep depression, but talking helps him.  I'm the only one he really talks to.

 

I know you guys won't suggest him going to the doctor for more drugs, so I am asking how to best take care of myself while also caring for and supporting him as we face this tough time ahead.

 

My heart breaks for him, and for my mother-in-law & what she's going through.  I feel a little numb about my own sadness, but I have cried a few times.  We're going to see her tomorrow, which is awful because there is so much grief watching someone die who you love, especially your mother.

 

I went through it at 20 years old with my own mom, but it's ALWAYS horrible, no matter your age.

[[fr...]]

I'm sorry you are facing this. It is horrible, one of the worst kinds of horrible I think. My suggestion is to make sure both you and your husband eat and drink healthy food regularly as dehydration and low blood sugar make a person even more emotional. Do it even if you don't feel like it. Also, try to get as much sleep as you can. Encourage your husband to have whatever emotions he has and let him be himself. People deal with grief differently. Let time pass and let things unfold as they will. You know him best so you know what will and what won't be helpful most likely. Whatever he takes comfort in, encourage him to think on those things. If you think that getting support from a particular person will help then reach out to them whether it is for yourself or for your husband. You have my empathy.

[[Be...]]

I keep hoping nothing like this happens until I'm waaaaaay over this, that would be a tough position to be in, communication is always the best thing and it sounds like you have that, thats the one thing most people don't have!

Sorry about your MIL, I lost my sweet Granny last year like that, it's tough. She was 94 and the only good person in my life( besides my Mommy!), I was kinda glad I was doped up myself then....

I'll be thinking of y'all 2mrrw 

[[Ma...]]

Thank you frus333 and good ol' Benzy!  Your loving responses are so comforting and help more than you know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[[Pi...]]

Hi mama. I would just say how deeply I feel for your hub and u. It's a tough experience losing a mum. Let alone seeing her fade away.. U said that talking helps him? Would he be able to talk on a forum... Maybe have a look to see what is available. Even if he wanted to chat with some BBs.... .?

          I think fruss offered some spot on advice as regards eating properly and resting well . Drinking lots of water is also an excellent thing in times of crisis as it helps your kidneys function better. When we get distressed our kidneys work harder.

            Benzy mentioned communication . Excellent point. Keep talking things through! It will help.

 

        Finally I would like to send u both a big hug. I really do sincerely care even though I've never met u. I know u are a good person with a good heart.

 

 

 

            Pinkee  :smitten:

 

[[Le...]]

I'm going through the exact thing with my boyfriend and his father. Pm me for real empathy.

[[Be...]]

(stares at Pankee and Fruss)

[[Mi...]]

I'm sorry I don't have the best advice, you sound like an amazing support. You are doing all you can. Sending love and strength to you in this difficult time. Xxx

[[Ma...]]

Hi mama. I would just say how deeply I feel for your hub and u. It's a tough experience losing a mum. Let alone seeing her fade away.. U said that talking helps him? Would he be able to talk on a forum... Maybe have a look to see what is available. Even if he wanted to chat with some BBs.... .?

          I think fruss offered some spot on advice as regards eating properly and resting well . Drinking lots of water is also an excellent thing in times of crisis as it helps your kidneys function better. When we get distressed our kidneys work harder.

            Benzy mentioned communication . Excellent point. Keep talking things through! It will help.

 

        Finally I would like to send u both a big hug. I really do sincerely care even though I've never met u. I know u are a good person with a good heart.

 

Pinkee :)

 

 

            Pinkee  :smitten:

 

[[Ma...]]

I'm going through the exact thing with my boyfriend and his father. Pm me for real empathy.

 

Will do.

[[Ma...]]

Miss Moo:

 

;)

[[Sn...]]

Relax and put it all in God's hands.  I know that's hard to do, especially in WD.  Stressing out won't help you or your husband.  He just needs time to grieve.  That is a natural human process.  I know it helps him just knowing you are there for him.  Sometimes that's all it takes.  Back when I was on one of my CT Wds my Dad was very sick and all he had was me to take care of him.  Most times I would just sit in silence with him and I could tell by the look on his face that was enough.

 

Hang in there better days are coming.

 

Peace and Blessings

 

Snufi

[[ra...]]

Dear Mama,

 

I lost my father in law 6 months ago.  He lived with my wife and me for 20 years.  He died from a brutally fatal combination of liver cancer and renal failure.

 

I was not yet a year clean.  I was suffering brutally.  These are the times when we find out from what we are made.

 

He had surgery, I coached him.  He had weeks of rehab.  I was the voice he could trust.  My wife his other children gave him love.  I was their rock.

 

I had a multi-milion dollar business meeting three thousand miles from my home.  He died while I was gone.

 

I came back, and helped arrange his funeral, sang the Lord's Prayer and gave a eulogy at the service.

 

I am not writing this to tell you I am a hero.  I am not.  Anyone who knows me knows I am a big (not TOO fat) baby.  But when it was required, I rose to every challenge.

 

I see that consistently from posters who are sick sick sick, yet are able to do the most amazing things when it counts the most.

 

You will too.

 

I do not believe in God.  I believe in humanity.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[Ma...]]

Snufi and Ramcon1:

 

Just got home from our visit, and she was really upbeat when she saw my husband and I.  She just doesn't SEEM like someone who is dying.  I guess I'm in denial, in a way, or just not knowledgeable enough about the death process when one is older.  She just seemed pretty content and engaged in lots of conversation and aside from seeming high from the meds, she seemed pretty lucid....not that different from when she was living and not dying.  So confusing, this.  I did sit with her and held her hand a long time, and she talked and talked and talked, and I just smiled Mona Lisa-like and was just there by her side for a long time.  We're planning to go back in a few days, which lets her know we expect her to continue the fight for a few days.

 

Anyway, thank you for your encouragement and stories of relating.  So very much appreciated!!!!!!!!!!

Thank yiu thank you for being there.

[[sp...]]

Hi mamashosanna,

 

I lost a very dear and close friend during this process; it was hard on me but it was also really hard on my wife and I put a lot of thought into supporting her. I also felt oddly flat at the time, but I don't even know if that's a benzo thing as much as a normal human reaction to shock and grief; I certainly feel that I've experienced a whole, unpleasant, but normal spectrum of emotions over the months that followed.

 

Any way. It sounds like you're consciously thinking about what you can do to support your husband best. I don't know what your husband is like but I know that I personally am bad at asking for comfort in terrible/sad circumstances, and I think that's kind of a stereotypically male thing. One thing that helps me a lot is being touched. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just having my arm held in the right way can communicate a lot of empathy and comfort in a way that words never will.

[[gi...]]

I lost my dad June 9 the day after my 61 birthday.  He was 85 and in the end stagesIof alzhimers. I was his caregiver  for many yrs. I loved him as a father and a  best friend. Although my sx were at there peek,  careing for him was a great distraction from my SXs.. I forgot about myself especially those last few days. Being there for your husband and forgeting yourself (not meaning your health or your care)may be a good distraction from your sx. My hart goes out for you and your husband.

[[Pi...]]

She sounds like she is a very strong lady! She must be putting on a brave face for everyone! Although this is so sad, heartbreaking , u get a chance to say good bye to her. I think that is priceless.

          I think what Spengler said about touching is an absolutely up lifting point . Touch can mean so much. Just a gentle ,light touch. Or a big all encompassing hug. As he said , it doesn't have to be an overwhelming thing.,but it communicates so much. It brings us closer together without the need for words.

            I will leave u with another hug mama and one for mr mama too.      Pinkee

[[Ca...]]

Dear Mama,

  I am sorry you are loosing your mother in law. One of the best things you can do is make yourself available to your husband and it sounds like you are doing that very well. Just being there...offering your hand, making tea, rubbing his shoulders. Sometimes silent loving companionship is the best support. When my mom was dying my hubby would bring me tea in bed and leave me little love notes....it helped me get through the days.

    Sending you love and friendship,

Carita

[[Ma...]]

Snufi and Ramcon1:

 

Just got home from our visit, and she was really upbeat when she saw my husband and I.  She just doesn't SEEM like someone who is dying.  I guess I'm in denial, in a way, or just not knowledgeable enough about the death process when one is older.  She just seemed pretty content and engaged in lots of conversation and aside from seeming high from the meds, she seemed pretty lucid....not that different from when she was living and not dying.  So confusing, this.  I did sit with her and held her hand a long time, and she talked and talked and talked, and I just smiled Mona Lisa-like and was just there by her side for a long time.  We're planning to go back in a few days, which lets her know we expect her to continue the fight for a few days.

 

Anyway, thank you for your encouragement and stories of relating.  So very much appreciated!!!!!!!!!!

Thank yiu thank you for being there.