1 year 1 month off

[[So...]]

I Used to Be a Person & Now I Am Not.

 

I have good looks, but I'm too insecure to show it. I have brains, but I'm too stupid to use it. I raised a child, but I was too mean/shy/lost. I used to be a person, but now I am not.

I use to wonder what it would be like to lose your soul. Now this has become my reality. I lost it all. I have no friends. I have no life. I lost my ability to communicate, think in normal intervals, and critical think. I can't see out of my own eyes or be me in my own skin. I used to be a person and now i am not.

 

 

I am 1 year and a month off of Xanax. I noticed that my brain is getting better, but my personality is getting exponentially worse. I don't think i have ever been so lonely in my life. Im 21 years old and I'm as shy as can be. I'm awkward. And all people can describe me of as is just "really weird". I notice i shout words like "F**k!" And "i'm so stupid!" or "why am i like this!" in my head at least 5 times in an hour, for every hour i'm awake. It gets bad when i say it out loud and someone says "what happened?" Like i just lost my wallet or something.

 

I seen youtube videos of people claiming they are 100% healed at this time. What am I doing wrong?

Can't I just have my life back? If there is a god.. Then why is my life like this? And why are there so many others in worse positions?

 

I just want to be me again. That sharp, smart, funny, humble guy that everyone, including myself, used to know.

[[US...]]

I Used to Be a Person & Now I Am Not.

 

I have good looks, but I'm too insecure to show it. I have brains, but I'm too stupid to use it. I raised a child, but I was too mean/shy/lost. I used to be a person, but now I am not.

I use to wonder what it would be like to lose your soul. Now this has become my reality. I lost it all. I have no friends. I have no life. I lost my ability to communicate, think in normal intervals, and critical think. I can't see out of my own eyes or be me in my own skin. I used to be a person and now i am not.

 

 

I am 1 year and a month off of Xanax. I noticed that my brain is getting better, but my personality is getting exponentially worse. I don't think i have ever been so lonely in my life. Im 21 years old and I'm as shy as can be. I'm awkward. And all people can describe me of as is just "really weird". I notice i shout words like "F**k!" And "i'm so stupid!" or "why am i like this!" in my head at least 5 times in an hour, for every hour i'm awake. It gets bad when i say it out loud and someone says "what happened?" Like i just lost my wallet or something.

 

I seen youtube videos of people claiming they are 100% healed at this time. What am I doing wrong?

Can't I just have my life back? If there is a god.. Then why is my life like this? And why are there so many others in worse positions?

 

I just want to be me again. That sharp, smart, funny, humble guy that everyone, including myself, used to know.

 

there is God you know why he kept you strong to this point it was his will.  No you say why you do not heal faster.  Its another test.  I am going through this with many others.  God test his people who love the most.  This is a test you 'll make it.  I have been through lots of rough things in life.  But this one was the hardest, Hellzo times.  Pure Hell I can not tell you how much pain I am going through right now.  Hang in there you ll be ok.  GOD BLESS YOU

[[ra...]]

Dear Sofa,

 

I hear ya bro.  I often think "who am I?"  At nearly 15 months clean, I cannot believe how bad I still feel sometimes, like for example today.

 

Looking at your signature, I do not think you did anything "wrong."  You tapered and got clean, that is what is important.  The rest is now time, and personally I believe that is mostly genetics, how quickly your body can adapt to the changed pool of neurotransmitters and receptor healing.  The example I like to use is catching a ball.  I have seen a 2 year old child catch a ball thrown pretty hard without ever being taught.  That is like the person who comes off and feels no withdrawal symptoms.  Then there was me.  I had to learn catching a ball like brain surgery, being shown over and over.  Practicing with a slowly throw soft ball and gradually working my way up to a pitched baseball.  That is like most of us on this board; our bodies and brains slowly learning how to do every damn thing as if it were the first time all the while thinking poor me poor me I just want to give up.

 

It f'ing sucks.

 

But most of us do not give up, heal in time, and move on.  Probability states that you will do.  I posted a graph a year back or so showing that 91% heal by 2 years.  I have since then learned that the average time to heal for a benzobuddy is 14 months.  I was disappointed to be less than average, but I got over it.

 

Try not to put a time frame on it, and when it gets bad, distract yourself anyway you can.

 

Hope that helped.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[So...]]

Thank you Ramcon. That does suck about the slow learning part. It sucks because I was actually a fast learner. A natural born athlete. Thing is, I was born with 1 ear, so i was always too shy to actually join a sport.

I think I know what my problem is though. I've been drinking and been on and off of cigarettes since i quit Xanax. Maybe that's holding me back. I know others wouldn't dare to touch even wine, but it doesn't really have all those effects on me.

[[ra...]]

Sofa,

 

I fight those same battles.  Alcohol and cigs making me feel better temporarily, but usually worse the next day.  Alcohol in particular is both soothing and dangerous as it also effects our GABA receptors.  Steer clear of both if you can.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

[[So...]]

Sofa,

 

I fight those same battles.  Alcohol and cigs making me feel better temporarily, but usually worse the next day.  Alcohol in particular is both soothing and dangerous as it also effects our GABA receptors.  Steer clear of both if you can.

 

Be well and good luck,

 

Ramcon1

 

Hmm.. I haven't had anyone tell me to do something in order to get better in a while. The "steer clear" part is going to stick with me. I forgot all about the fact that alcohol messed with the gaba receptors. That makes a lot of sense why I'm so out of whack then. I am going to start working on cutting back on both.. But mainly alcohol.

Thanks again Ramcon1.

 

Cheers,

 

Sofa King

[[Mi...]]

I nearly cried reading that.. But I can't.. I feel like I wrote it about myself.. I am 14 months off CT Xanax and feel exactly like you do. I don't know who I am.. All the things I'm tricked into being I can't stand. I am lucky cause I have great people around me who love me very much. Although I live alone with my son and support myself so have had to work ( I don't know how) all the way through. It's just a hell ride isn't it.. It morphs, it twists, it truly is soulless. Not feeling and being so disconnected has to be the worst part. I am so sorry you feel so alone. Pm me anytime and I will do my best to help you. We have to believe that this will improve, your whole life is ahead of you. A friend said to me yesterday the caterpillar didn't know it was becoming a butterfly. This is not it for you.. Or me.. I soooooo hope it lifts for you soon. Xxxxx

[[kl...]]

I could have written that myself. Just know that you aren't alone.

[[So...]]

I nearly cried reading that.. But I can't.. I feel like I wrote it about myself.. I am 14 months off CT Xanax and feel exactly like you do. I don't know who I am.. All the things I'm tricked into being I can't stand. I am lucky cause I have great people around me who love me very much. Although I live alone with my son and support myself so have had to work ( I don't know how) all the way through. It's just a hell ride isn't it.. It morphs, it twists, it truly is soulless. Not feeling and being so disconnected has to be the worst part. I am so sorry you feel so alone. Pm me anytime and I will do my best to help you. We have to believe that this will improve, your whole life is ahead of you. A friend said to me yesterday the caterpillar didn't know it was becoming a butterfly. This is not it for you.. Or me.. I soooooo hope it lifts for you soon. Xxxxx

 

You almost crying for reading that makes me happy for some reason. I admire beautiful souls and we who feel this pain is a beautiful thing to me. There are so many hard headed people out there who don't know what its like to experience the edges of the human mind. I can't believe you were working that whole time though. Since your CT is almost painstaking to think about. Thank you for your wisdom MissMoo, it means more than you know.

 

Stay strong, with peace and love,

 

Sofa King

[[Be...]]

Sofa King,  I'll second that, you're not alone.  I feel the same way.  At almost a year off, it's devastating what's happened to my good brain and body.  Drugs, a gift from the devil.  God help us all. 

[[bd...]]

Hey Sofa King,

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this crappy. It's hard to have faith sometimes isn't it?

 

I just want to tell you that when I quit alcohol my symptoms improved a lot. And when I drink they worsen - a lot. Not necessarily the same day or the next day, but alcohol DEFINITELY delayed my healing.

 

If you can stay away from alcohol I think you'll start to notice an improvement. It's hard I know...I love a glass of wine with dinner. But for now I've just accepted the fact that I have to stay right away from it.

 

I hope you feel better very soon.

[[Te...]]

ramcon1:

 

Be careful with using alcohol to get through the tough times. I did that for the first five months I was off benzos and now I am paying the price by having to deal with anxiety that arises when I don't have a couple of shots of bourbon every 7 or 8 hours... I c/t'd off Valium and now I am c/t-ing off of bourbon -- and it ain't FUN!

 

Yes, bourbon did provide short-term relief, but in the long run I think it's what has prevented me from healing faster (I hit six months next Tuesday)... Please be careful with the booze so you don't end up in my shoes!

 

 

[[ca...]]

Sofa King,

 

I almost cried reading your words..I could have written that.

Beautifully written.

 

Yes, please do not drink ETOH while you are healing…It interferes with the GABA…

 

God Bless you and God Speed your healing.

 

Take care of yourself during this time.

You will heal…We all heal over time.

Much love,

Causing