Such a hideous episode...

[[Mi...]]

Becks blue I'm sorry you are so bad.. I see you were on a tiny dose if Xanax. I was having a whole 1mg or 1.5mg. Xanax is evil! Jjkale, how long did it take you to feel human again?? Honestly??

[Guest [to...]]

Yep Xanax is the Mother F**ker of all benzos ..... sorry to swear ladies and gentleman but I am so over this today.  I was doing really well only to be slammed again like MissMoo.

Big hugs to you warrior sista 

[[Mi...]]

If I had a dollar for every swear word I'd thrown in the last week I'd be loaded! I fucking loath Xanax! Life stealing, evil, twisting crap should be illegal!! Sending love

[[pr...]]

i'm having trouble with the new "view signature' because i have to use my mouse to read posts still as my mind can't comprehend without the mouse and it keeps going over the view signature thingy and flashing it before my eyes. i can't believe there is another thing to worry about.

 

and kimba, did you know there are over 37,000 people petitioning to have the old yahoo mail back? but we need like a million. i hope they will change it back. i'm still using the basic but it lacks so many other features.

 

and to CC, i just cannot put on underwear, pants. sweats without falling over and that is the most frustrating of all. it's just horrible when you're balance is off like that for soooooooooooooooooooooooooo long!

 

and tonight i actually do not wish to go on living anymore and i don't think i've felt like this for a really long time. i can't believe all that this drug has stole from me. i'm sick over it tonight and i just want to be miraculously healed.

 

hope it gets better fr you this week missmoo!

[[Mi...]]

Pretty, I totally understand that feeling.. Hang on, tomorrow is a new day it may bring relief. I hope it does. I so feel for you. Xxx

[[Ki...]]

and kimba, did you know there are over 37,000 people petitioning to have the old yahoo mail back? but we need like a million. i hope they will change it back. i'm still using the basic but it lacks so many other features.and to CC, i just cannot put on underwear, pants. sweats without falling over and that is the most frustrating of all. it's just horrible when you're balance is off like that for soooooooooooooooooooooooooo long!

 

and tonight i actually do not wish to go on living anymore and i don't think i've felt like this for a really long time. i can't believe all that this drug has stole from me. i'm sick over it tonight and i just want to be miraculously healed.

 

hope it gets better fr you this week missmoo!

 

Pretty, the new Yahoo is one awful mess. It used to be so easy to read, simple, and clean looking. Now it's horrible. And it doesn't even work very well, either. I hate how when you're done with an email, it doesn't go back to where it used to. Oh, there's many things wrong with it. 

 

I didn't know they had that many requests to change it back, but they'd better listen cuz I'm soon going to change to another free ISP if they do not. Of course, I will tell them why, if I do change. They're probably not too concerned, though, because they are probably hoping everyone will pay for the Yahoo Plus just to get rid of the mess the free Yahoo is! 

 

I know how you ALL feel right now. I really REALLY do. And Pretty, I get those same thoughts. You know what thoughts I mean. This is so hard. So very hard.  :'(

 

I want to wrap gauze around my head and put fake blood on it, so people think I have a major head injury.  I'd at least get some validation. 

 

But then, they'd probably soon be saying the same: "Haven't you healed yet?!" 

 

I could put on fresh gauze, and act like it's a wound that needs draining by the doctor every so often, or some such thing. This would of course only work with those who don't know me well, and I never see many people anyway, but it's a good idea, just in case.   

 

I hate living minute by minute, day by day, but it's really all anyone does, anyway. We don't know when our lives will end, and thinking we could be "out there living" is something natural of course, but the truth of the matter is, there are people out there living, who still get hurt, maimed, and also die. And all "while out there living."

 

So, to me at least, the future here on earth is an "illusion." Meaning we don't know how long we will have on this earth. So, this means we are correct to live minute by minute, day by day. It would be easier, of course, if we weren't suffering. 

 

I will be praying for you, and you too, MissMoo. There are times I have no words, so just rock while in a fetal position in my bed, saying "Lord, please help us all on BB. Help us all on BB." I don't understand everything about life, but I do have my belief in Christ. Even if I don't understand everything, or even LIKE certain things (and there are many) about my beliefs, I know that this does not make them any less the truth for me. And, I just have to realize that there is no way I could ever understand God. I always say, that a God who can be understood by us humans, is no God. 

 

I am sorry if I sound like I'm preaching!    That is the LAST thing I want this to sound like! I am not the average "Christian." I do not fit in with so many of them, and I despise "organized religion." Which is okay, because Christ despised it, too. 

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling. 

 

I will be praying special prayers for us all, as I try to sleep, thinking of each of us individually, and praying for specific things for each person on BB.

 

Love,

Kimba 

[[Be...]]

Yep Xanax is the Mother F**ker of all benzos ..... sorry to swear ladies and gentleman but I am so over this today.  I was doing really well only to be slammed again like MissMoo.

Big hugs to you warrior sista 

 

These benzo's are as evil as it gets.  I'm so fed up too with what's been going on here with me this past year.  And I was on a super low dose.  I'm supersensitive to it.  But, the w/d from hell is just as bad as anyone else's who took a high dose and c/t.  Go figure, how I got so lucky with this BS.  I have fear and obsessing really bad and my mind is all over the place where I can't focus and concentrate.  I try to get things done here today outside with the leaf blower and I guess all the noise and physical exertion revved me up bad.  I used to be able to work hard all day with no problem. 

[Guest [to...]]

Beck from what I can tell, the dose or time doesnt matter.  We are sensitive to benzos and this is what we have to deal with until it goes away.    Meantime all we can do is support each other. I was sick from the very first pill it was half of a .25mg !!!

[[Be...]]

Beck from what I can tell, the dose or time doesnt matter.  We are sensitive to benzos and this is what we have to deal with until it goes away.    Meantime all we can do is support each other. I was sick from the very first pill it was half of a .25mg !!!

 

I thought it was a miracle drug, even though I was sensitive to it, when I first started taking it.  It made me feel so good for quite a few years actually.  I used it for sleep at night only.  But it's obvious my CNS adapted to it. 

[[pr...]]

and kimba, did you know there are over 37,000 people petitioning to have the old yahoo mail back? but we need like a million. i hope they will change it back. i'm still using the basic but it lacks so many other features.and to CC, i just cannot put on underwear, pants. sweats without falling over and that is the most frustrating of all. it's just horrible when you're balance is off like that for soooooooooooooooooooooooooo long!

 

and tonight i actually do not wish to go on living anymore and i don't think i've felt like this for a really long time. i can't believe all that this drug has stole from me. i'm sick over it tonight and i just want to be miraculously healed.

 

hope it gets better fr you this week missmoo!

 

Pretty, the new Yahoo is one awful mess. It used to be so easy to read, simple, and clean looking. Now it's horrible. And it doesn't even work very well, either. I hate how when you're done with an email, it doesn't go back to where it used to. Oh, there's many things wrong with it. 

 

I didn't know they had that many requests to change it back, but they'd better listen cuz I'm soon going to change to another free ISP if they do not. Of course, I will tell them why, if I do change. They're probably not too concerned, though, because they are probably hoping everyone will pay for the Yahoo Plus just to get rid of the mess the free Yahoo is! 

 

I know how you ALL feel right now. I really REALLY do. And Pretty, I get those same thoughts. You know what thoughts I mean. This is so hard. So very hard.  :'(

 

I want to wrap gauze around my head and put fake blood on it, so people think I have a major head injury.  I'd at least get some validation. 

 

But then, they'd probably soon be saying the same: "Haven't you healed yet?!" 

 

I could put on fresh gauze, and act like it's a wound that needs draining by the doctor every so often, or some such thing. This would of course only work with those who don't know me well, and I never see many people anyway, but it's a good idea, just in case.   

 

I hate living minute by minute, day by day, but it's really all anyone does, anyway. We don't know when our lives will end, and thinking we could be "out there living" is something natural of course, but the truth of the matter is, there are people out there living, who still get hurt, maimed, and also die. And all "while out there living."

 

So, to me at least, the future here on earth is an "illusion." Meaning we don't know how long we will have on this earth. So, this means we are correct to live minute by minute, day by day. It would be easier, of course, if we weren't suffering. 

 

I will be praying for you, and you too, MissMoo. There are times I have no words, so just rock while in a fetal position in my bed, saying "Lord, please help us all on BB. Help us all on BB." I don't understand everything about life, but I do have my belief in Christ. Even if I don't understand everything, or even LIKE certain things (and there are many) about my beliefs, I know that this does not make them any less the truth for me. And, I just have to realize that there is no way I could ever understand God. I always say, that a God who can be understood by us humans, is no God. 

 

I am sorry if I sound like I'm preaching!    That is the LAST thing I want this to sound like! I am not the average "Christian." I do not fit in with so many of them, and I despise "organized religion." Which is okay, because Christ despised it, too. 

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling. 

 

I will be praying special prayers for us all, as I try to sleep, thinking of each of us individually, and praying for specific things for each person on BB.

 

Love,

Kimba 

 

i pray for all of us on here too. and i also like Jesus he's cool! but i hate that yahoo and i also hate those leaf blowers too Becks! they can always get me a revving. not only from the sound but they "leaf" so slow close to my house that the fumes come into my house when i am sleeping. i got into a fight with one of the guys i told them to get a hybrid electric blower and he said to me 'well, when you can make one i'm sure you'll make a lot of money' and then i told him to go "fuck off"

 

and then i ran into him the other day and we both apologized to eachother and he said the hybrid was a good idea. at first he was being sarcastic 'cause he was working'. i told him next time to please "leaf me alone while i am sleeping"

[[Be...]]

Those leaf blowers do make alot of noise.  Mine's electric.  I live on a rented lot, so I need to get them cleaned up, plus the vacuum mulches too, which is nice.  Now, I need to cut the grass again, but this stupid fear I've got all the time now.  I'm afraid the darn mower won't start.  I never used to be afraid of anything and now everything scares me.  I have to keep telling myself it's just my benzo brain and everything will be alright. 

[[pr...]]

Those leaf blowers do make alot of noise.  Mine's electric.  I live on a rented lot, so I need to get them cleaned up, plus the vacuum mulches too, which is nice.  Now, I need to cut the grass again, but this stupid fear I've got all the time now.  I'm afraid the darn mower won't start.  I never used to be afraid of anything and now everything scares me.  I have to keep telling myself it's just my benzo brain and everything will be alright.

 

it is just the benzo brain. you won't feel scared of everything when you have a window and i sure hope you have one soon. i was like this tonight. afraid to go into the shower. afraid that someone would be in the bathroom and then what would i do? afraid they were going to come up here. afraid of this and afraid of that.

 

i can't believe they haven't demanded that everyone have an electric gas blower. i am on a rented lot too. i wouldn't have this done otherwise and just deal with all the leaves and go out and pick them up one day. or some of them.

[[...]]

Oh, I went into a major rage.  In this particular instance, I had every right to be mad.  My husband was being a jerk ... but wow, I took it to a whole new level! 

 

I punched my husband as hard as I could.  I just hauled off and slugged him in the arm with all the force I could muster.  I was aiming for his head but I missed.  I have never, ever hit him before.  We've been married for 24 years.   

 

I wish I had hit myself.  Now I have to live with the shocked and hurt look on his face.  If it wasn't so awful the stunned look on his face would have been comical.  I'm small and a wimp so I didn't hurt him physically.  Well, it probably really stung though.  I didn't leave a bruise ... thankfully ... but at the time I sure wanted to rough him up.  I told him I wanted a divorce and I hated his guts.  I told him he was a major dork and I didn't know why I married such a dork.  I just went on and on ...  I was out-of-control!  When he tried to say something I shook my fist at him and told him I would lay him right out if he said one word. 

 

For several months I really had a rage issue but thankfully, I didn't hit anyone before.  I did slam doors ... repeatedly.  I really slammed some doors!  I mean I literally opened and slammed the same door until the house shook.  My hands and arms would hurt from slamming doors.  And I yelled.  I would rant and rave for an hour non-stop!  How did he stand me?

 

This is not normal me.  I apologized repeatedly but I always had to tell him I couldn't promise I wouldn't go into another rage.  I was horrified by my behavior but I could not control myself.  Thankfully, this rage thing passed after a few long months.  My husband really thought I was bipolar.  That didn't go over well with me either.  I told him to go online and do some research.  He did and read about what happens to us after stopping these insidious little pills.  He has forgiven me.  I haven't forgiven myself yet. 

 

So, I'm 7 months completely off Alprazolam.  I did a really fast taper when I didn't understand anything.  I had no clue about what would happen to me.  I didn't even know what a benzodiazepine was until I started experiencing withdrawals after I quit taking them.  I took Alprazolam 4 times a day for 2 years.  It was making me sick.  I knew I was sick but I never made the association with the horrible way I felt and the Alprazolam.  I didn't know about tolerance withdrawal, which is probably a good thing or I might have been tempted to take more so I wouldn't feel sick.  In a way ignorance worked in my favor in this one instance because I never took more than I was prescribed.

 

You know, I should have smacked my former doctor for prescribing this nightmare.  Or whacked myself with a shampoo bottle for not going online to look up the prescription BEFORE I took it.  Okay, I'm kidding about hitting the doctor ... I think. 

 

I'm getting better slowly but surely.  We will all be so strong after fighting, existing/living with, and finally winning this battle!

[[pr...]]

Oh, I went into a major rage.  In this particular instance, I had every right to be mad.  My husband was being a jerk ... but wow, I took it to a whole new level! 

 

I punched my husband as hard as I could.  I just hauled off and slugged him in the arm with all the force I could muster.  I was aiming for his head but I missed.  I have never, ever hit him before.  We've been married for 24 years.   

 

I wish I had hit myself.  Now I have to live with the shocked and hurt look on his face.  If it wasn't so awful the stunned look on his face would have been comical.  I'm small and a wimp so I didn't hurt him physically.  Well, it probably really stung though.  I didn't leave a bruise ... thankfully ... but at the time I sure wanted to rough him up.  I told him I wanted a divorce and I hated his guts.  I told him he was a major dork and I didn't know why I married such a dork.  I just went on and on ...  I was out-of-control!  When he tried to say something I shook my fist at him and told him I would lay him right out if he said one word. 

 

For several months I really had a rage issue but thankfully, I didn't hit anyone before.  I did slam doors ... repeatedly.  I really slammed some doors!  I mean I literally opened and slammed the same door until the house shook.  My hands and arms would hurt from slamming doors.  And I yelled.  I would rant and rave for an hour non-stop!  How did he stand me?

 

This is not normal me.  I apologized repeatedly but I always had to tell him I couldn't promise I wouldn't go into another rage.  I was horrified by my behavior but I could not control myself.  Thankfully, this rage thing passed after a few long months.  My husband really thought I was bipolar.  That didn't go over well with me either.  I told him to go online and do some research.  He did and read about what happens to us after stopping these insidious little pills.  He has forgiven me.  I haven't forgiven myself yet. 

 

So, I'm 7 months completely off Alprazolam.  I did a really fast taper when I didn't understand anything.  I had no clue about what would happen to me.  I didn't even know what a benzodiazepine was until I started experiencing withdrawals after I quit taking them.  I took Alprazolam 4 times a day for 2 years.  It was making me sick.  I knew I was sick but I never made the association with the horrible way I felt and the Alprazolam.  I didn't know about tolerance withdrawal, which is probably a good thing or I might have been tempted to take more so I wouldn't feel sick.  In a way ignorance worked in my favor in this one instance because I never took more than I was prescribed.

 

You know, I should have smacked my former doctor for prescribing this nightmare.  Or whacked myself with a shampoo bottle for not going online to look up the prescription BEFORE I took it.  Okay, I'm kidding about hitting the doctor ... I think. 

 

I'm getting better slowly but surely.  We will all be so strong after fighting, existing/living with, and finally winning this battle!

 

i still haven't forgiven myself for the rages i've had been in that have been caused by benzo's and withdrawals. the benzo rage! screaming at my beloved cat and then seeing her cowl is still fresh in my mind although happened over 7 years ago. just recently i snuck in a quiet punch into my mother's arm hoping she wouldn't notice. she did, and punched me right back.

 

what would it feel like if we forgave ourselves for these little earthquakes and rages? i wonder?

[[Co...]]

0703

 

I have been there. The rage. It has gone away and has been replaced by a sense of loss that feels so empty. If I sit and think about all that has happened in the last year it makes me want to cry. I feel like if I could save just one person from having to go through this it would be a great thing. It is the middle of the night in Colorado. I sit at my computer and think about what it would be like if this never happened. Hurts. It will get better. I know this. I have passed through different stages and am in one now that is a better place. I think I held so much in for a long time and when it all came out it came out at 100 miles an hour. I hope you feel better.

[[Mi...]]

And so it goes.. Into full breakdown.. Physically and mentally rock bottom. How can it get soooo bad.. AGAIN! STILL!!

[[Sn...]]

So sorry to hear this Miss Moo.  You will et better again. Just hang on.  Try to distract yourself.  I know easier said than done. 

 

Peace and Blessings

Snufi

[[pr...]]

 

 

i was in a rage this afternoon when i was driving and my brain was squeezing down so hard i thought for sure i would get into an accident. i kept yelling "this is not me, this is not my life" i wanted to find a Dr Kevorkian to put me to sleep. it lifted for just an hour tonight and everything was calm and clear. it's starting to squeeze again, but that tiny little window did let me know that i am still healing!

 

i pray you get relief and a window very soon missmoo. to let you know that even in rage and breakdown, you are still healing, you are still healing, you are still healing!

 

[[Co...]]

prettydaisys,

 

I really understand about the wicked mood swings. I feel like I am out of my head sometimes. I can go from zero to 60 in 4 seconds. So now I realize it and am doing a good job of reigning in the rage. Now I am perceived as unfriendly. I think the whole thing just boils down to the fact that I want to be left alone. If my head could stay in one place I think I could handle this much better. The very fact that there are times when I want to pick someone up by the neck and slam them against the wall ( and I do not do it) is a sign that there is a great deal of self control going on also. These fits of anger pass and then I think- what am I doing? Well, right then, nothing. But when my mind leads me to that I think-- I wonder how I keep from reacting? In the end, it really was not a big deal. Combine insomnia, paranoia, and jitters and it is a perfect storm. :idiot:

[[Mi...]]

Thanks so much for your uplifting comments so appreciated. I had a few hours this afternoon where there was improvement, then all back. What can I do but wait..? I feel like I'm in shock over this. I don't know who I am. The DP and DR I find very hard to cope with. Love to you all. 

[[pr...]]

prettydaisys,

 

I really understand about the wicked mood swings. I feel like I am out of my head sometimes. I can go from zero to 60 in 4 seconds. So now I realize it and am doing a good job of reigning in the rage. Now I am perceived as unfriendly. I think the whole thing just boils down to the fact that I want to be left alone. If my head could stay in one place I think I could handle this much better. The very fact that there are times when I want to pick someone up by the neck and slam them against the wall ( and I do not do it) is a sign that there is a great deal of self control going on also. These fits of anger pass and then I think- what am I doing? Well, right then, nothing. But when my mind leads me to that I think-- I wonder how I keep from reacting? In the end, it really was not a big deal. Combine insomnia, paranoia, and jitters and it is a perfect storm. :idiot:

 

i can't tell you just how much i have to hold in around here. my mother is the one who lets it all rage every second. she gets to get it out. if i did that she would never stop raging. i have to scream in my car and that does help. i am also perceived as unfriendly and mean around here. well, to my mother and brother. i'm not that way at all. i've noticed with this withdrawal that i always want to be alone unless i am in a window. that's just the way it is. it's the 'stay unseen' withdrawal syndrome. i won't get up in the morning until i know everyone has finished in the kitchen and by then it's 2pm.

 

the mood swings can go from--i'll be walking into the kitchen feeling suicidal and then when i get back to my chair in front of TV, *poof--all of a sudden i'm in a different mood.--that fast! so now i know! hormones play a big role. especially when progesterone starts to drop and sometimes right when i ovulate/ at least i know now.

 

when a window hits you, you will see such a difference. you will feel like yourself. you will see how this healing is not linear but actually really is in a way--it's bizarre. you will be able to see everything clearly. objects will have vibration around it. you will be in the present moment. i had one for an hour last night. hasn't been back since but now i know. i can't stop thinking about windows now! they are truly wonderful!

[[Mi...]]

How perfectly described.. " the stat unseen withdrawal@. The hormones are the worst for me!! So severe. You just described my life pretty. Xx

[Guest [to...]]

and mine!!!! Im back in another wave, my period is due tomorrow... Damn you hormones 

[[Mi...]]

Over it.. Well and truly... Sorry x

[[pr...]]

i had a weird experience with hormones/period this month. i was clearly getting my period. major cramps and the worst bachache ever/ and only a little stain came, no real flow when i had a gorgeous flow just last month. so then that was over and this week my breasts are so sore and tender, almost like i'm getting my period again. ??

 

this has never happened to me! must be withdrawals. i cannot figure this one out. i never had a lower backache where i couldn't move for 3 days. and i hardly ever have really sore/tender breasts. i wonder what's going on?