Disappointed

[[ra...]]

WWWI,

 

I do appreciate your candor.  I do not hand out advice without consideration.  My recommendations were based on logic, believing that Oscar would consider them logically, but I am glad you asked so I can back up my reasoning.

 

The point of a taper is to minimize the impact of withdrawal.  I have always counseled, and I always will, that if you are going thru hell, get it over with.  Oscar has also shown us that he is going thru hell and he doesn't bitch about it.  He is tough. I personally would rather get hit with a bat once than walk around with a grain of sand in my shoe for a week, but I think almost anyone with rather get hit with a bat everyday for a month than for a year.

 

While I was in my taper I had some decent windows, so I thought I would not be "like everyone else" and have most of my symptoms come back when I jumped.  I was deluded.  I am 100% convinced that we do not really start to heal until we jump, therefore the sooner we can jump (safely!) the further along the road to recovery we will be sooner.

 

No divine information, just reasoning.

 

I hope that makes sense, especially to Oscar or anyone else sufferring thru a turtle taper.

 

Good luck and be well.

 

ramcon1

[[os...]]

Some people ought to quit handing advice out saying how freaking "easy" it is after 5mg in that case.

 

I am going slow as everyone else that bombs off this stuff ends up either suffering or back on it.

 

How the hell is that a result?

 

Thank God i am following my own path off this, maybe the **** will hit the fan at zero... in that case i would appreciate some honesty for a change instead of bs.

 

Oscar

 

edit: profanity removed

[[Ho...]]

Some people ought to quit handing advice out saying how freaking "easy" it is after 5mg in that case.

 

I am going slow as everyone else that bombs off this stuff ends up either suffering or back on it.

 

How the hell is that a result?

 

Thank God i am following my own path off this, maybe the **** will hit the fan at zero... in that case i would appreciate some honesty for a change instead of bs.

 

Oscar

 

Oscar,

 

I understand that these comments are coming from fear and frustration, however I am asking you to please watch your tone, just the same.

[[os...]]

Ramcon, even Ashton advocates long tapers for long term users.

 

If it takes 3 years to heal, why do so many rush off?

 

I am not suffering at this point, to me it is logic that the slower the taper and the lower the jump off the better the outcome.

 

Maybe i am wrong but after 18 months of tapering, i feel 80% better and i am not about to trash my time put in so far.

 

I do not expect it to be over at zero but i hope symptoms that do surface are less intense... at least i have some degree over my symptoms now and i will re-evaluate this in another 6 months time.

 

Faster tapers may get us off but the question is can those that taper faster stay clean until healing happens? Either way, it seems to take some time for many of us, it is for that reason i do not see the point in rushing, it´s not as if i am going to be well at zero by doing so.

 

Oscar

[[Wi...]]

ramcon1,

 

As far as my situation with the taper and holding per my MD. Truth is I am going against the doctors recommendation and continuing my taper, albeit a little slower.  His concern was that this all would be simpler to determine how the thryoid meds are working if there were fewer variables.  And while I agree with that, my decision to continue the taper won out for the following reasons: 

 

-One,  I realized there is no actual danger to me to continue the taper since it was simply really just for clarity purposes and

 

-Two, if infact, w/d impacts getting my thryoid levels stable, whether I taper now or later, they will be impacted and I thought it best to see what happens sooner rather then later, while the doctor is still new and engaged rather than later when the levels are stable and I'm not a shiny, new patient lol and

 

-Three, the idea of holding this taper and extending it any longer than was absolutely necessary was making me absolutely insane.

 

-Four - Since it is clear to me that Graves' reared it's ugly head, shortly after I started this whole benzo circus, and physical stress on the body is thought to be a possible factor in the initiation of the disease (with other factors), if there is even a remote chance that the longer I am done with tapering and further away from w/d, there is even a slightly increased chance of remission, especially because my doctor has given me one year on the antithyroid meds to see if I will go into remission or else he'll nuke my thyroid, the sooner I'm off this the better.

 

BTW were you being "tough loving" with me in that post?  I seemed to have missed that part lol

 

I'm sorry for hijacking the thread with this lol...back to our regularily scheduled programming...

 

WWWI

 

WWW, you are amazing! 

Ditto 

[[Wi...]]

WWWI,

 

I do appreciate your candor.  I do not hand out advice without consideration.  My recommendations were based on logic, believing that Oscar would consider them logically, but I am glad you asked so I can back up my reasoning.

 

The point of a taper is to minimize the impact of withdrawal.  I have always counseled, and I always will, that if you are going thru hell, get it over with.  Oscar has also shown us that he is going thru hell and he doesn't bitch about it.  He is tough. I personally would rather get hit with a bat once than walk around with a grain of sand in my shoe for a week, but I think almost anyone with rather get hit with a bat everyday for a month than for a year.

 

While I was in my taper I had some decent windows, so I thought I would not be "like everyone else" and have most of my symptoms come back when I jumped.  I was deluded.  I am 100% convinced that we do not really start to heal until we jump, therefore the sooner we can jump (safely!) the further along the road to recovery we will be sooner.

 

No divine information, just reasoning.

 

I hope that makes sense, especially to Oscar or anyone else sufferring thru a turtle taper.

 

Good luck and be well.

 

ramcon1

Ramcon

 

While I believe that Oscar HAS considered his different options logically, I would suggest that your recommendations are based on personal perspective rather than logic.  As one who would LOVE to "get it over with", I know that in fact by increasing my speed, I would (because I have) destabalize. 

 

And personally, I'd much rather walk around for a week with a grain of sand then get hit by a bat.  And your analogy loses me when you say better to be hit by a bat for a month rather than a year.  The correct conclusion to your analogy would be that you'd rather get hit by a bat for a month then walk with a grain of sand in your shoe for a year, not get hit with a bat for a year.  The actual point is, if it were just a matter of getting off the drug, then none of us would be tapering, why not just c/t and let the healing begin?  However since that is not how this works, and since it is going to take time anyway, why not do this in a way that causes the least amount of distress? 

 

I may not go as slowly as some, but I certainly can't go as fast as others.  I'm just trying to make this as managable as getting through this inhumane process requires.  That's it.

 

WWWI

[[jo...]]

I've been knocking around these boards a long time now and I have seen people suffering over a year or two after a quick taper.

 

Some people can get away with it, but we do not know until we try it, and if we are one of the unlucky ones who suffer after a rapid taper, we are stuffed.

Plus, too rapid a taper can be dangerous and disabling for some.

 

I chose to go really slow, starting with 1mg cuts and then 0.5mg then 0.25, then 0.125 and I think I started to cut daily around the 3.5mg mark.

 

I am feeling better with the daily cuts. I've lost approx 0.6ml with the daily cuts, smoother than I could ever have done with the ashton, cut and hold type taper.

 

I did do a c/t in 2009, the symptoms of which I believe have only started healing this year. This is why I chose to taper slowly, cos I felt like I was one of the unlucky ones who would suffer needlessly for months after a quicker one.

[[os...]]

It was assumed i am suffering according to ramcon, i am actually doing very well right now but i did suffer a lot in the first year of tapering at varying times, yet much has lifted, although i am not fully well, i am living a far more functional life even if i have fatigue again... it is nothing like it was many, many months ago.

 

I have not seen a single person rapid taper off these drugs here on these boards that have recovered fully within 6 months, if anything it is more likely a year at least for most and that is rare following a fast taper.

 

In MY experience, if i taper at the rate i feel i am healing, then i stay relatively well and there is always an overall improvement as time goes by, yet if i try and taper faster that i can heal, then i feel bad and i know, i have been there, done that.

 

I have taken it on board that my taper will last as long as it would take me to heal if i got off faster, yet at least with this method, i am well enough to function and live some sort of a life, i could not tolerate being sick for years just waiting to get better... i was very ill at the start of my taper on and off but those symptoms have disappeared and even if they do come back, i cannot see it lasting for years, most that go very slow seem to be in a much better place within a 3 month period, if not sooner and it seems to get better from that point on ward.

 

As a long term user, i see no value in trashing my nervous system if i can avoid it, a very slow and deliberate taper seems to be working for me, it may still have a few bumps here and there but so far, it is really starting to pay off... and even if i am slammed when i finally get free, i will at least know that i must have healed a great deal in my taper, i simply do not buy that there could be long lasting withdrawal off a minuscule dose of 0.01mg on the basis that that dose was arrived at in a manner that allowed healing to that point... the GABA simply has to kick in or tapering would be impossible and the healing i feel tells me that it is working, yes, it is very slow, yet the brain takes time to adapt and for GABA to upregulate, i cannot force it and i see no reason to think it worth trying.

 

In MY opinion, tapering very, very slowly is the best way off to minimize symptoms... i can live like this even if i hate this whole wretched business but i have said it before, i will say it again, most that taper over a period of less than 2 years seem to find it hard once off, simply put, this takes time and i believe a slow taper can at least manage symptoms up to a point, that is how i choose to do this as any other way would be too disabling... i could handle a month or two of acute withdrawal once off but a year or more of acute symptoms? Not for me, i´d rather at least try and do this in a manner that keeps me relatively well, i still believe if i can get to 2mg with little problem, i can repeat the same till 1mg and then again... total healing may not be there at zero but i am sure that the vast majority of healing will have taken place and that total healing will be far closer, if i am wrong, i will sure let others know not to taper over such a long time yet for me, so far i feel it is working... if i try and go faster i lose that, so slow is the way i choose to go, i simply see no point in doing this any other way, the brain will not heal by rushing so why do it?

 

Oscar

 

 

[Guest [...]]

I am so glad that this topic was the first thing I read today. It has helped me make a big decision. It has helped me decide that I probably need to do a c/t of Benzobuddies for good because it has become an addiction, robbing me of time, health, optimism and faith in human compassion.

 

I try to stay off these 'discussions' because they make me annoyed and realise what zealots some of the people here have become. One wonders if life is so good when some people are hanging around here for years after they are supposedly 'well'.

 

Yes, I reinstated to 1mg Xanax per day after a year of struggling down from 4-5mg X per day (80 - 100mg Valium equivalent) to 1mg Valium. I believe the hideous year of tapering with the vile Valium has done more harm to me than the Xanax ever did. Something in me has changed. I have a a deep sadness and lack of hope for the future. I can't seem to love or like people as passionately as I once did. The reinstated Xanax has made me feel better - it works. I can do whatever I need to do without crippling anxiety. I think that if I hadn't read so many stories of how long after stopping, the agony goes on, I might have pushed on. I was so close. If I had never discovered online forums and just powered on at the pace my psychiatrist had me on I might have succeeded. Who knows?

 

What I have discovered today is that I should not be reading this stuff written by people who are in no position to be saying it. It makes me feel sadder.

 

Thank you so much to Noolie, Parker, Jaso, Hope, WWW1, Pianogirl, Vribble, tinfolkathy and IGo2God (and I hope I didn't miss anyone) for showing  sympathy, understanding and compassion for other human beings. We are not all the same. We can't walk in someone else's shoes.

 

Because I basically hang around the personal blogs of people I like, my decision to reinstate with Xanax was treated with respect, understanding and care. I was never once castigated by any one of these kind, intelligent people, either in public or privately. I was even privately contacted by a person who has succeeded in becoming free of benzos with a great many other physical problems. She told me that she didn't even believe that everyone should get off them. And she is one of the most intelligent people here. The people I communicate with support each other's decisions and want to see each other be happy and healthy whatever that takes.

 

 

 

[[pi...]]

I am so glad that this topic was the first thing I read today. It has helped me make a big decision. It has helped me decide that I probably need to do a c/t of Benzobuddies for good because it has become an addiction, robbing me of time, health, optimism and faith in human compassion.

 

I try to stay off these 'discussions' because they make me annoyed and realise what zealots some of the people here have become. One wonders if life is so good when some people are hanging around here for years after they are supposedly 'well'.

 

Yes, I reinstated to 1mg Xanax per day after a year of struggling down from 4-5mg X per day (80 - 100mg Valium equivalent) to 1mg Valium. I believe the hideous year of tapering with the vile Valium has done more harm to me than the Xanax ever did. Something in me has changed. I have a a deep sadness and lack of hope for the future. I can't seem to love or like people as passionately as I once did. The reinstated Xanax has made me feel better - it works. I can do whatever I need to do without crippling anxiety. I think that if I hadn't read so many stories of how long after stopping, the agony goes on, I might have pushed on. I was so close. If I had never discovered online forums and just powered on at the pace my psychiatrist had me on I might have succeeded. Who knows?

 

What I have discovered today is that I should not be reading this stuff written by people who are in no position to be saying it. It makes me feel sadder.

 

Thank you so much to Noolie, Parker, Jaso, Hope, WWW1, Pianogirl, Vribble, tinfolkathy and IGo2God (and I hope I didn't miss anyone) for showing  sympathy, understanding and compassion for other human beings. We are not all the same. We can't walk in someone else's shoes.

 

Because I basically hang around the personal blogs of people I like, my decision to reinstate with Xanax was treated with respect, understanding and care. I was never once castigated by any one of these kind, intelligent people, either in public or privately. I was even privately contacted by a person who has succeeded in becoming free of benzos with a great many other physical problems. She told me that she didn't even believe that everyone should get off them. And she is one of the most intelligent people here. The people I communicate with support each other's decisions and want to see each other be happy and healthy whatever that takes.

 

 

Xana 

 

This is your life and as such you have to be in the drivers seat in terms of what is best for you. None of us has complete control of events and particulars in life, there is fortune, misfortune, serendipity that we don't control. 

 

Whether this forum works for you or not is your decision just as whether to reinstate is.  What your future will be is up to you and I hope it is happy and fulfilling. In many ways I hope you do hang around to communicate with those you feel close to. But then again, this is totally up to you. 

 

I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

 

pianogirl

[[Ho...]]

 

Because I basically hang around the personal blogs of people I like, my decision to reinstate with Xanax was treated with respect, understanding and care. I was never once castigated by any one of these kind, intelligent people, either in public or privately. I was even privately contacted by a person who has succeeded in becoming free of benzos with a great many other physical problems. She told me that she didn't even believe that everyone should get off them. And she is one of the most intelligent people here. The people I communicate with support each other's decisions and want to see each other be happy and healthy whatever that takes.

 

 

I've singled out this portion of your post Xana because I think it's very important. Thank you for taking the time to post.

[[...]]

Oscar

Glad to see you doing well. My experience has been similar-a gradual improvement in symptoms over time with my long, slow taper.

And I was a short term user

[[Wh...]]

Oscar it's such a shame that your life was good while you were on the Librium.  Mine sucked badly on the drugs and when I finally woke up to that and decided to get off them and get away from the label of "mentally ill", well you can imagine the commitment and determination that I had.  I honestly don't know how people can go thru such intense and relentless suffering without those two factors firmly in place.  I can totally understand why people would reinstate and I would never, ever want anyone to go thru what I did.  I do avoid people that do go back to drugs simply because I want to protect myself from their possible negative influence upon my own strength.  I surround myself with other strong beautiful people that lift me up when I falter and for them I am truly grateful.

 

My wish for all is that you can dig deep within yourself and find that which motivates you to succeed at this huge life trial no matter how long it takes or how hard it is to endure.  It is all up to you.

[[ce...]]

That is really beautiful Whoopsie! I also feel it's really important to surround yourself with positive influence's who lift you up and encourage you to keep going.

 

I want to tell you all I truly long for your recovery. I hope you become free from this as I have. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. The most difficult trial of my life just as it is for you too. Because of this, I am deeply passionate about this topic of wd and recovery. I grieve for those who are suffering and long to see people set free. That's why I come back after having recovered. It's because this will be a topic that is always close to my heart. I only wish I could do more. 

 

There is simply not enough help for those who are going through wd. Most doctors do not have a clue how to taper or how to help people who are going through this hell. So if they can't help, who can?  We have to help each other.  It's that simple.

[[Wh...]]

Thank you Cedartree and I want you to know that I admire and respect your reason for being here.  I often wonder why there aren't more people like you here on BB that have recovered and are offering their help, encouragement and wisdom to people that are fighting for their lives.  When this is over for me, I cannot see walking away entirely and washing my hands of the whole ordeal.  I am really glad that you are around. 

[[Hj...]]

Yes cedartree, thank you and the others that are healed for hanging around and giving encouragement.  I'm glad you're well and take the time out of your life to help people here!

[[os...]]

Thank you Whoopsie! 

 

Cedartree, i will echo Whoopsie also and say i am grateful you are here also, really, very grateful.

 

Yesterday i upset someone with my poor choice of words.

 

I am not disappointed in that person, i am disappointed by the overall difficulty this drug poses for so many.

 

I get angry... but i am angry at the situation that many of us are in.

 

I get how my posts may be viewed negatively but i WANT people to beat this thing, i really do and yes, some of that is for selfish reasons also, i will not deny that, others that succeed give me hope after all.

 

I messed up but i can be like that sometimes, i get as passionate about others recovery almost as much as my own.

 

Oscar

[[ra...]]

All,

 

Sorry for joining this thread and then disappearing, but I got very busy at work yesterday afternoon.

 

WWWI and Oscar,

 

My analogy of getting hit with a bat for a month as opposed to getting hit with a bat for a year was what I meant.  If one is having a relatively easy time with a slow taper, that would be the grain of sand.  As a personal choice, I would rather get hit with a bat for a month than walk around with a grain of sand in my shoe for a year.

 

If on the other hand, one is having an AWFUL time on a slow taper, that is like getting hit with a bat everyday, so my reasoning is if you are getting hit with a bat everyday anyway, get it over with.  So rather than getting hit with a bat everyday for a year, you only get hit with the bat for a month.

 

Based on previous posts, I thought you Oscar were having a tough time on your slow taper, so I suggested getting it over with.  If you are not, then I can certainly understand the choice to continue as you are going, and I wish you well.

 

As for what happens when you jump, in my 4th month I have waves and windows, but they are not as severe as during my taper.  That seems to be what happens to the majority here, but there are plenty of exceptions.  It is worthy to note that the majority of people who come off benzos do not have anywhere near the symptoms of posters here.  We are just the lucky ones 

 

As for the original purpose of this thread, I get it.  Once you have reached tolerance withdrawal, only an idiot would reinstate because the benzos will not help with symptoms.  But if you have not reached tolerance, then benzos can provide relief from what might be absolute misery.  I would still counsel against reinstatement once you are free because benzos are not a long term solution for anything.

 

I meant no offense to anyone by my posts, and as always, I wish all wellness and good luck.

 

Ramcon1

[[jo...]]

I've known people who have tried to 'get it over with' as they were suffering in the lower doses.

They jumped and suffered more, a bit like being hit with a bat every day for a month, and then walking with a pebble in their shoe for a long time after.

 

[[IG...]]

Ramcom,

I do not appreciate being called an idiot!

[[ce...]]

Thank you Whoopsie! 

 

Cedartree, i will echo Whoopsie also and say i am grateful you are here also, really, very grateful.

 

Yesterday i upset someone with my poor choice of words.

 

I am not disappointed in that person, i am disappointed by the overall difficulty this drug poses for so many.

 

I get angry... but i am angry at the situation that many of us are in.

 

I get how my posts may be viewed negatively but i WANT people to beat this thing, i really do and yes, some of that is for selfish reasons also, i will not deny that, others that succeed give me hope after all.

 

I messed up but i can be like that sometimes, i get as passionate about others recovery almost as much as my own.

 

Oscar

Yes Oscar. Not angry at the person, but angry that anyone should have to suffer from these drugs.

 

My posts often come out strongly worded or wrongly worded, but the point is I deeply desire others to be free. If we were all more educated about benzo's in the first place, no one would come to a place of tolerance withdrawal! 

 

It's all about education, care, compassion and helping each other day by day.

 

What confuses me is when I'm openly criticized for being here helping others!  Like how dare I come here when I'm well and help others. That is preposterous.  Everyone should come back and help others when they are well. It's also therapy for me. It somehow validates what I went through and gives me hope and purpose. I cannot live with those years of my life being robbed, wasted. I have to turn it into something positive or it was all for nothing! 

 

Sometimes people don't like my analogy's or the fact that I'm here at all. Who cares. I'll come here and help others as long as I need to especially the people I correspond with via pm's on a daily basis. No one did that with me and I wish they had.

 

We can love and care about others and be disappointed. That is not unusual and it's not uncaring.

[[pi...]]

All,

 

Sorry for joining this thread and then disappearing, but I got very busy at work yesterday afternoon.

 

WWWI and Oscar,

 

My analogy of getting hit with a bat for a month as opposed to getting hit with a bat for a year was what I meant.  If one is having a relatively easy time with a slow taper, that would be the grain of sand.  As a personal choice, I would rather get hit with a bat for a month than walk around with a grain of sand in my shoe for a year.

 

If on the other hand, one is having an AWFUL time on a slow taper, that is like getting hit with a bat everyday, so my reasoning is if you are getting hit with a bat everyday anyway, get it over with.  So rather than getting hit with a bat everyday for a year, you only get hit with the bat for a month.

 

Based on previous posts, I thought you Oscar were having a tough time on your slow taper, so I suggested getting it over with.  If you are not, then I can certainly understand the choice to continue as you are going, and I wish you well.

 

As for what happens when you jump, in my 4th month I have waves and windows, but they are not as severe as during my taper.  That seems to be what happens to the majority here, but there are plenty of exceptions.  It is worthy to note that the majority of people who come off benzos do not have anywhere near the symptoms of posters here.  We are just the lucky ones 

 

As for the original purpose of this thread, I get it.  Once you have reached tolerance withdrawal, only an idiot would reinstate because the benzos will not help with symptoms.  But if you have not reached tolerance, then benzos can provide relief from what might be absolute misery.  I would still counsel against reinstatement once you are free because benzos are not a long term solution for anything.

 

I meant no offense to anyone by my posts, and as always, I wish all wellness and good luck.

 

Ramcon1

 

Ramcon,

 

Please don't make blanket statements like this.  There has been some very good discussion on this thread as long as the remarks stay respectful.  This whole topic is very charged and having opposing viewpoints is alright. I've seen those who have felt it necessary to reinstate finish a subsequent taper and recover.  Making a statement like you did can hurt someone deep into their being, we don't do that here on the forum. We support. We care.

 

pianogirl

[[Ho...]]

This post is not directed at any one post or any one member:

 

BB's position on reinstatement is that if at all possible, reinstatement should be avoided. After all, we are a support group for those who are trying to get off these medications. If our members want off of these medications, we need to support that all along the line. However, there may be those who have made the decision to reinstate for personal reasons, reasons we may not understand. Discussing with that member the pro and cons of this decision isn't a bad idea. Frankly, I'd rather members not reinstate after tapering but if they choose to, and you've discussed the pro and cons with the member in a respectful and informative way, it's time to back off and respect their decision. The same is true for taper plans, you can discuss your experiences with any given taper plan but you must not tell a member what to do. That is not your place. That's not the  place of the BB team. Again, this is a personal decision a member makes hopefully with their doctor.

 

 

 

[[Ho...]]

All,

 

Sorry for joining this thread and then disappearing, but I got very busy at work yesterday afternoon.

 

WWWI and Oscar,

 

My analogy of getting hit with a bat for a month as opposed to getting hit with a bat for a year was what I meant.  If one is having a relatively easy time with a slow taper, that would be the grain of sand.  As a personal choice, I would rather get hit with a bat for a month than walk around with a grain of sand in my shoe for a year.

 

If on the other hand, one is having an AWFUL time on a slow taper, that is like getting hit with a bat everyday, so my reasoning is if you are getting hit with a bat everyday anyway, get it over with.  So rather than getting hit with a bat everyday for a year, you only get hit with the bat for a month.

 

Based on previous posts, I thought you Oscar were having a tough time on your slow taper, so I suggested getting it over with.  If you are not, then I can certainly understand the choice to continue as you are going, and I wish you well.

 

As for what happens when you jump, in my 4th month I have waves and windows, but they are not as severe as during my taper.  That seems to be what happens to the majority here, but there are plenty of exceptions.  It is worthy to note that the majority of people who come off benzos do not have anywhere near the symptoms of posters here.  We are just the lucky ones 

 

As for the original purpose of this thread, I get it.  Once you have reached tolerance withdrawal, only an idiot would reinstate because the benzos will not help with symptoms.  But if you have not reached tolerance, then benzos can provide relief from what might be absolute misery.  I would still counsel against reinstatement once you are free because benzos are not a long term solution for anything.

 

I meant no offense to anyone by my posts, and as always, I wish all wellness and good luck.

 

Ramcon1

 

Ramcon,

 

Please don't make blanket statements like this.  There has been some very good discussion on this thread as long as the remarks stay respectful.  This whole topic is very charged and having opposing viewpoints is alright. I've seen those who have felt it necessary to reinstate finish a subsequent taper and recover.  Making a statement like you did can hurt someone deep into their being, we don't do that here on the forum. We support. We care.

 

pianogirl

 

Although pianogirl has already sent a clear message, Ramcon, I'd like to emphasize that statements such as this are not welcome on this forum.

 

 

[[...]]

It has now been over 32 months since I quit rather abruptly.  I had no idea I was supposed to taper off these drugs.  I tried it myself (making 50% cuts) and lost it.  I thought a very expensive detox facility in Malibu, CA, that claimed to be experts in benzodiazepine withdrawal could help me.

 

They "helped" by switching me from 30mg of temazepam and 2mg of Ativan to .5mg of K.  I realize now this is not the equivalent.  I was on .5mg of K for 10 days and then .25mg of K for 3 days and then cut off.  The torture for 2 months straight was unimaginable.

 

I cannot express how difficult the last 32 months have been for me.  True, I have remained completely drug free.  No alcohol, no medications, no illegal drugs, no tobacco, occasionally I will have a glass of tea.  That's it.  I have fought the "good fight" so to speak.  But I have suffered for almost 3 years now.

 

I won't get into all the details and all the symptoms, the loss of my friends and family due to this, the sporadic unemployment due to symptom interference. 

 

I was a very normal, well-educated teacher and licensed therapist with constant full time employment, family and friends before all this.  I didn't even NEED the damn benzo.  I didn't have anxiety issues at all!  My doctor happened to ask me one day how I was sleeping.  I didn't have insomnia but I do tend to be a night owl.  So he prescribed me a benzo to take every night.  I took it every night because I know I am supposed to take my medication as prescribed.  I took it whether I needed it or not because there was a warning on the bottle that said I could have a seizure if I skipped a dose. 

 

The benzo did keep me on a regular sleep schedule and my doctor continued to assure me it was fine to keep getting refills and take as long as I wanted.  I had questions every time he refilled it.  You are certain this is safe?  I really don't like taking medication if at all possible.  He assured me it was completely safe and non habit forming.  In fact, he said something about it being as safe as candy.

 

In detox I was with others who were drug addicts and were completely fine after a few days...outside playing basketball.  I was reprimanded for not participating in AA meetings.  I was not and have never been drug addicted.  They told me I was in denial and would need AA meetings when I returned home because I would crave the drug and relapse.  I never craved that damn drug.  I did, however, crave relief.

 

I don't judge anyone for reinstating or for going c/t or doing a microtaper.  After what I have been through for almost 3 years now, I completely understand why anyone would reinstate or try an a/d.  I struggled with the most frightening suicidal tendencies for chronically long periods of time.  (I give the credit to God for holding me during that period of time.)

 

There are people here who have to c/t because they have paradoxical reactions.  I never had that but it happens and people have to stop the drug immediately.  I respect that choice.

 

If I had to do this all over again, knowing what I know now, I would never have gone to detox and would have crossed over to Valium and worked a slow taper...as slow as needed for me...to continue working and living my life. 

 

I also believe that the brain heals as one tapers. 

 

There is a difference between being in withdrawal for 1 year vs. 3 years...that is 2 whole more years to endure.  I am not saying those who healed by 1 year didn't suffer, but I also understand now after this lengthy process when some people need to reinstate. 

 

I have been at this for 32 months now.  I will not reinstate because I continue to heal and believe I will eventually recover.  I am now able to work full time, I am seeing a therapist, I am forming new friendships and working on repairing the damage to relationships that I caused while sick in withdrawal.  There are many phases to this recovery.  Now that I am about 85-90% healed, I have to repair and recover the loss from the last 3 years.  This in itself is stressful. 

 

I am exhausted.  I am spent.  But I will do this.  And I now completely understand why some choose to reinstate.  In any case, I think we can all agree that we have found ourselves in a terrible predicament and we could all use kindness and understanding no matter what choices we make.