I have healed.

[[ha...]]

Hi Maiyaz,

It sounds like you are doing well mostly, for coming off zanax use for quite awhile.

 

About sleep; that was definitely a hard one. When I was going through withdrawal, my sleep was really an issue. At first, I had broken sleep - getting about 3 - 5 hours a night and never knowing when I would go to sleep. I had nightmares that were awful and I got up early with morning anxiety. Eventually, the morning anxiety eased, as did the nightmares. The last month was particularly bad - I was on a hiking holiday, walking all day, but only getting 3 hours sleep a night. I couldn't figure it out, but afterwards realized that I had been drinking coffee. One of the things that is hitting me now is that I cannot tolerate caffeine. I can drink decaf coffee, but otherwise it really upsets my gut, gives me awful headaches and just disrupts sleep. I used to use it to wake up in the morning; not any more.

 

So now I dream and don't have morning anxiety. My sleep is much better. I maybe only get about 7 hours, compared to when I was on benzos and getting 9 hours, but the sleep is much better. I wake up refreshed. On benzos, I could sleep till 10am and still feel tired and doped (which I was!). So, I might be up a couple of times a week in the night for maybe an hour, or I might not get to sleep until late. I did have insomnia before the benzos, so I am not surprised, but a bit disappointed, that it has come back, but it is not as bad as it was.  However, most nights I sleep really well. Last night, for example,  I got 7 hours straight - bed at midnight, up at 7 without an alarm clock and feeling refreshed. It is completely different.

 

I really hope your sleep improves. Some of the things that I did to try to make the sleep better; I used heavy warm blankets. I sometimes took a warm bath before bed. Hot milk in the microwave. If I couldn't sleep I listened to podcasts - listened to hundreds of TED talks, which aren't exactly sleep inducing talks, but they are interesting and free, as well as listening to books on tapes. I streamed movies, though I expect this is not the best thing to do as the screen is bright, but I figured if i was awake, I might as well enjoy it (a bit). I got an alarm clock that is actually a light that gradually comes on - that helped a lot so that I didn't increase morning anxiety with a loud alarm clock or music. To be honest, none of these things stopped the insomnia at all, but at least I was much more comfortable.

 

I really hope things go well for you.

 

[[be...]]

Oh Hanna!!!

 

I'm late to the party again.  I've been waiting for this.  I was just talking to another BB, saying I think Hanna's will be then next Success Story and ten minutes later (just now) I saw it staring back at me.  I am so happy for you.  Good job!  You've been at this 2 years, on a high dose and only 5 months off.  This is truly a great success and inspiration. I loved this:  "My mood is happier."

 

I am into my third month of healing post-benzos and though it's been up and down, I can tell I am healing slowly and gradually, with the return of partial windows again.  Your support over this past year has meant a lot to  me, as you've always been a few steps ahead and on this stuff nearly as long as I.  And you understood some of the ironic situations in which I found myself early on in my taper, replying to some of my most difficult posts.  Thank you.  I wish you nothing but continued and complete healing.  Those last nagging symptoms I am sure are on their way out.

 

All the best to you,

Sachi xo

[[ha...]]

Hi Sachi,

Thank you for all the support through this. It is so good to know you and know that you are on your way out of this hell, as well. We have been a bit in lock step through this - I remember when you were thinking about stopping the benzo, then you just did! I did the same thing. I am glad you are feeling better. I found it hard once I was off at the beginning, thinking - There brain, the drug is gone, time to heal right now! And it didn't but it did eventually. I am glad you are having some windows and that they are getting better. You were whammed at the end of the taper.

Was glad I could be there for you with that awful job and job decision that you had to make.

I am not sure the symptoms I have left will pass, but I expect they will. I wasn't kidding when I said that they aren't a big deal. I don't like the tinnitus and I would be really upset if it was all the time, but it isn't.

You hang in there. I am not going anywhere until I see your success story.

Best to you, dear friend, too,

Hanna

[[tu...]]

Hannah:

 

I identify with your story in so many ways.  I am 9 months off (as of yesterday).  Things have improved a lot, but I am still dealing with the following symptoms (dizziness/visual overload/anxiety).  It ebbs and flows.

 

What you said about coffee really rang true.  I allowed myself to have a small cup of the regular stuff yesterday (the first time in many many months) and it made me dizzy, anxious and very painful indigestion.  I mourn the idea of not being able to drink it again.  But, as we know, there are worse things.

 

I have been drinking warm milk in the microwave to help me sleep and it seems to be helping.  Some have said milk is bad in recovery, but I can't find anything to support that idea.

 

Would love to know how and when the anxiety (and dizziness if you had it) and fragile CNS issues lifted for you.  Was is a gradual thing or did it just "poof" evaporate.  Also, do you consider yourself completely back to where you were before it all began?

 

Thanks for your story and I am so very glad you are doing great.

 

Warmly,

TG

[[ha...]]

Hi Turtlegirl,

 

Wow, sorry you have the coffee problem, too. What you described is exactly what I have, too. I miss the different tastes of coffee. I find that I can drink decaf coffee, but they don't make a lot of different types of bean and decaf them. It is strange, isn't it, particularly the painful indigestion. What a pain. Maybe it will go away.

Warm milk sure works - so I use it, still sometimes.

 

Dizziness for me was in two huge bouts  for short periods of time. There were a couple of times when I couldn't stand up. The minor dizziness seems to have gone when the depersonalization went, so I guess I would have to say that it was in episodes. It sounds like that is a problem for you. I think I haven't had the dizziness for 6 months.

Anxiety was really bad throughout, with the last month on the drug being the worst. I still get anxious, but it is in situations in which I expect to be anxious; like giving a talk at a big meeting. The fragile CNS stuff was gone right at the end of August.

 

It was all gradual, but I didn't have so many "windows" and "waves" once I was off; I just gradually healed over the two months I was off. I did find a couple of months ago that my symptoms were gone and I was afraid they would come back, but they didn't.

 

You asked if I am the way I was before. The answer is no. I feel better than I ever have. I went on the drug because of anxiety and insomnia. While I was on it, I had anxiety and depression. (I also had depression before.). I am actually feeling much better than I have in my life. I don't think it is anything that I have done, or learned from this awful situation. I think my brain is different, though who knows. I wake up every day trying to make it a good day. I haven't had any depression at all since I came off. So I really think that the mood issues I have had for the last 15 years were very strongly related to being on the benzos. I am so much better than any time in those years. I am just engaged in my life in a different way and feeling so much better than ever.

 

You said you are 9 months off; how is it going for you? You said you have improving, but are you finding it is getting better with time? I think you implied that it is getting better. Are you starting to get hopeful about it?

 

Take care,

Hanna

[[ja...]]

Way to Go Hanna...

 

You sound wonderful. I am so happy your better..Your success story is so inspirational. Im really glad you took the time to give this Hope to so many..

 

I know everyday that goes bye your going to feel even better and better ...

 

~Jenny

[[ha...]]

Hi Jenny,

It is nice, isn't it! I was so glad that I could add to the list of success stories. I didn't really believe it would all go away, but it did. I really hope that this happens for you, too.

How are you doing?

Hanna

[[ja...]]

Hi Jenny,

It is nice, isn't it! I was so glad that I could add to the list of success stories. I didn't really believe it would all go away, but it did. I really hope that this happens for you, too.

How are you doing?

Hanna

Hanna I think thats the thing for so many of us..We dont think it will ever go away.And when it does we become The best Testamony to the Hardest Test!

 

I am all healed myself and am always so happy to see when another has Fought through this Beast and gets all the way to the other side!!! Yay..

 

Thank you for asking how I am hanna  

 

~Jenny

[[ha...]]

Hi Jenny,

I am so glad you are fine. A lot of months off and doing well....that is so good.

Hanna

[[re...]]

Hello Hanna -

 

Thank you for sharing your success.  Thought I would introduce myself and say congrats to you on your newfound freedom and health!!    One thing that I keep focusing on with those that have healed from this thing is they all say the same thing; that we really do heal and that the symptoms do really go away.  I'm still tapering off of eszopiclone, and I still have plenty of symptoms.  But I have to believe what you and the others have said; that we heal from this mess.  Thanks for sharing your hope and your experience. 

 

 

 

Redeemed

[[ha...]]

Hi Redeemed2012,

Thanks for introducing yourself.

Thanks for your note.

I know what you mean about saying we will heal. I sometimes worried that the success people were wrong. I still don't know about how these drugs work, or if they would work for some and not others. However, I do know that I felt awful a few months ago and I don't feel awful now and the big difference is the benzos. The same thing for other people who write success stories, so it says to me that we do heal. I did and I was feeling really terrible. I feel fine and I hold so much hope that others will, too.

You take care,

Hanna

[[Ga...]]

Thanks Hanna. You give me hope

[[ha...]]

Gardenia,

I am glad. Are you still having problems so far out? You, like me, have been on them a long time.

Take care,

Hanna

[[os...]]

Hi Hanna,

 

I have been reading some of your blog, how you felt during your taper.

 

I have been tapering 18 months now and have been on this drug 22 years, i am feeling so much better than i was but this is not over for me yet.

 

I just wanted to say how i admire you for pushing on through your taper like you did, this is not for the weak for sure and yet you did it and made it out and went on to heal.

 

You have given me much hope, mainly because you were on a high dose for quite some years like myself and yet you have proved that we do in fact heal fully, sometimes i still have fears that after so many years it will not happen, you have showed it can and shared that and i am extremely grateful you have passed that on to myself and others here.

 

Thank you and seriously, congratulations for enduring such a cruddy journey for a year and then post taper to find the peace you have now, that is huge, i hope the tinnitus clears soon and sleep becomes perfect in time also, well done, i am in awe of you.

 

Oscar

[[ce...]]

Just read your success story. Congrats Hanna. This is awesome and a true testament to tapering slowly and why it's so important even in tolerance withdrawal. I did the same thing and healed more quickly than I thought I would.

 

Anyway, great story! So happy for you!

 

Cedar 

[[ha...]]

Hi Oscar,

I have read some of your posts and know that you are struggling. I am so sorry. It really is a gruesome journey, isn't it. I was so "good" about taking this medication as prescribed; I didn't stop taking it, I didn't updose, and yet I ended up in this mess.

 

I don't think I really, in my heart of hearts almost two years ago, believed that the symptoms would ever go away. It seemed like fighting them and living with them was my normal state. I couldn't even imaging what I would be like or if it would ever end. There was no end point to withdrawal, like there is with other problems. "Take antibiotics for 10 days and it will go away. " was never in the benzo withdrawal cards.

 

I really didn't feel I had any choice at all when I realized what was going on with the tolerance withdrawal. Being taken off 2/3 of the dosage in one whack at the beginning made me fearful of cold turkey, too. The posts I have read by people who do c/t are just so telling about how awful that is, but amazingly, people do heal even after that.

 

The tinnitus is much less. I get it only when I am tired or towards the end of the day. It doesn't frighten me anymore, because it is not there all the time and I really hope it goes away. Also wish that I noticed when it wasn't there, so I  can enjoy the lack of it. I seem to only notice it when it does. Silly, I know, but still, I like to celebrate each step of recovery.

 

My sleep is improving; in fact it is better right now than it has ever been. I have found some meditation tapes and they are godsends (zencast: zencasts 350 to 355). I have never meditated before and for some reason I can connect with these tapes and they help. I would love to have known if they might have helped during withdrawal, but I think that the anxiety, particularly that awful morning anxiety might not have let them help. I don't fall asleep the way I did on benzos, when I would get tired over about 1/2 hour, then nod off. I just don't get the same sleepiness, but maybe this is the norm. That part doesn't really matter.

 

Hang in there. I know you are still healing.

[[ha...]]

Hi Cedar,

 

Thanks so much.

 

So glad that you have healed, too. It feels so good to be able to see that they really were withdrawal symptoms. They were real, awful and persistent, but looking from here, they were symptoms of a very bad state of my brain.

 

Here's to healthy brains!

 

Hanna

[[...]]

Hi hanna,

 

I was in the neighborhood so I wanted to stop by and say hello to you.  I hope everything is going good for you up there in beautiful Canada.

 

pj

 

 

[[ca...]]

Benzo withdrawal is about coming off a drug.  It is not about an ill brain. It is so hard to believe that when you have the problems and all the symptoms, but it is really true. The symptoms really go away.  I can’t say that enough for you who will read this. It all goes away. It is a drug that changes the brain in horrible ways, but with time and care, the effects go away and the brain heals. I wish hope and healthy healing for all of you.

 

Thank you for posting your success story.

These success stories are all that are getting me by tonight....

Thank you,

Causing

[[Mo...]]

[[An...]]

I so love this part!!!:

"Benzo withdrawal is about coming off a drug.  It is not about an ill brain. It is so hard to believe that when you have the problems and all the symptoms, but it is really true. The symptoms really go away.  I can’t say that enough for you who will read this. It all goes away. It is a drug that changes the brain in horrible ways, but with time and care, the effects go away and the brain heals. I wish hope and healthy healing for all of you."

I will read this on the many days I don't believe the symptoms will ever end. Thank you for writing your success story!! 

[[ha...]]

Hi Angelprint,

I just have popped back in to see how things are here and was glad to see that my post might have helped you. I see you had posted here in February. I hope things are improving for you, with time! Take Care. Hanna

[[li...]]

Hi

thanks so much for your story and it is great to hear that you are recovered.

These stories really are so helpful to read when we are going through this.

Thanks again!

Lib x

[[An...]]

Hi Hanna, thank you so very much for your response!! I'm still suffering at 8 months out unfortunately. Thank you so much for giving me hope that this will end. 

[[ha...]]

Hi Angelprint,

I just came to visit BenzoBuddies. Haven't been here for a long time but for some reason, I was wondering how people were doing. I hope you are doing better than you were last summer. I am 3 1/2 years out and still well. Sleep is sometimes an issue, but I use audiobooks at night, and I always asleep before the 30 minute sleep timer works. Hang in there. It is a hard road, but if you are off, that is the best part. It will give your brain time to heal.

Hanna