Depression at Taper End

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I'm literally one step away from being off of Klonopin. I'm at 0.05 mg and I'm due to taper to zero tomorrow. However, I'm terrified. In the past two weeks, depression and anxiety have hit me hard. I have obsessive, racing and some suicidal thoughts (mostly "why am i here?" moments). I feel like maybe this is really who I am underneath all the medication garbage.

 

How long can this last after I'm done? I'm scared this is how I'll feel months from now. I'm scared to take that last step. I don't want to feel worse. Should I go ahead and drop to zero while feeling so bad?

 

I need some reassurance that I will feel better after I'm done. Thank you.

[[el...]]

Hi Adie,

One of the most pervasive feelings that seems to be almost universal in benzo withdrawal is the feeling that your symptoms are really an underlying problem that has been covered up by benzo use. This is nearly almost always false.

I had all the same symptoms during my wd that you are having now. Mine seemed to lift pretty quick though, once I was done. Sometimes they may linger a bit longer, but should slowly get better.

That said, if you are having suicidal feelings, this is serious and you should talk to someone about it in the real world. Are you under the care of a psychiatrist or therapist? Please take care.

 

Linda

[[Ke...]]

Hi Adie-

 

Congrats with your progress and being so near the end of your taper    We all experience different feelings during out tapers and depression and anxiety are very common.  None of can answer how long this will last, but many people see gradual improvement shortly after their last dose.  Best to stay in the moment and try to avoid focusing on what "may" happen down the road.  You mention being "scared", and that is surely adding to your anxiety. 

 

Try to put a positve spin on this, you are almost off the klono and you should be very proud of yourself   

 

If you continue to have intrusive thoughts, Eljay is correct, you should consult someone in person. 

 

Best of luck, take of yourself and congrats on your progress- you have done great!

 

Keith

 

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

I'm literally one step away from being off of Klonopin. I'm at 0.05 mg and I'm due to taper to zero tomorrow. However, I'm terrified. In the past two weeks, depression and anxiety have hit me hard. I have obsessive, racing and some suicidal thoughts (mostly "why am i here?" moments). I feel like maybe this is really who I am underneath all the medication garbage.

 

How long can this last after I'm done? I'm scared this is how I'll feel months from now. I'm scared to take that last step. I don't want to feel worse. Should I go ahead and drop to zero while feeling so bad?

I need some reassurance that I will feel better after I'm done. Thank you.

Adie - 

 

I think a lot of us had pretty bad anxiety at the very end of our taper; I know I did.  For me I believe it was mostly psychological.  I had been on a benzo for so long, I didn't know who I was going to be without it.  I stepped off at .125mg and did not feel any worse. Over the last few months, I have felt much better, esp. reduced anxiety.  Pretty ironic when all along I thought the benzo was "treating" my anxiety.  I do still get waves or "wavelets" of symptoms every so often but they do recede.  At this point, I believe that 0.05mg is more a psychological than "therapeutic" dose, but you are the one that needs to be convinced of this.  You are in the mental battle of a lifetime, Adie, and it's one that you will ultimately win, whether you drop it tomorrow or next month. I have not doubts about that.

 

 

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Thank you all so much for the replies. It really helps to hear others' success stories. Very hopeful.

 

I'm happy to say today was my first day without Klonopin in about 12 years. I did it! I started to feel a little better mentally, so I went forward with my taper. Now I'm done. It's been a long road, but I'm ready.

 

Thanks, guys.

[[st...]]

Adie,

 

Congratulations.  You did it.  Let the real healing begin.  :yippee:

 

Patty  xo

[[Ma...]]

Super!  You should be very proud of your self.  Way to go...

[[la...]]

I'm literally one step away from being off of Klonopin. I'm at 0.05 mg and I'm due to taper to zero tomorrow. However, I'm terrified. In the past two weeks, depression and anxiety have hit me hard. I have obsessive, racing and some suicidal thoughts (mostly "why am i here?" moments). I feel like maybe this is really who I am underneath all the medication garbage.

 

How long can this last after I'm done? I'm scared this is how I'll feel months from now. I'm scared to take that last step. I don't want to feel worse. Should I go ahead and drop to zero while feeling so bad?

I need some reassurance that I will feel better after I'm done. Thank you.

Adie - 

 

I think a lot of us had pretty bad anxiety at the very end of our taper; I know I did.  For me I believe it was mostly psychological.  I had been on a benzo for so long, I didn't know who I was going to be without it.  I stepped off at .125mg and did not feel any worse. Over the last few months, I have felt much better, esp. reduced anxiety.  Pretty ironic when all along I thought the benzo was "treating" my anxiety.  I do still get waves or "wavelets" of symptoms every so often but they do recede.  At this point, I believe that 0.05mg is more a psychological than "therapeutic" dose, but you are the one that needs to be convinced of this.  You are in the mental battle of a lifetime, Adie, and it's one that you will ultimately win, whether you drop it tomorrow or next month. I have not doubts about that.

 

Could that be what I'm having ....  the depression at the end of the taper?   

 

Adie jumped off at what dose?  and Beeper you jumped off at .125?   

 

I'm debating as to what to do.  I'm ready to speed things up a bit, but I keep talking myself out of it to give my receptors time to heal.  But they already have been healing from the Xanax.  I'm afraid to keep on the Klonopin too long and I've been off Xanax for 3 months now.  Any input as to how I should finish?  Depression and agoraphobia so far have been my worst and I've only had a few bad days in the last few weeks.  I just don't know what to do right now.  I know it's all an individual thing.  Do you know of anyone else with a similar path to mine?

 

Any input at all?

 

 

Phyllis   

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Hi ladyh48. My two cents is that you should make the next step. I dropped to zero the day after I posted this and I don't regret it one bit. I think staying on the Klonopin was actually making me feel worse. I was noticing paradoxical effects. Finally taking that last leap was what I needed.

 

It was rough, but I didn't feel incredibly worse like I feared. I sort of stayed the same for awhile (depression, anxious thoughts), then I began to notice windows of feeling better. Then the windows got bigger and stayed longer.

 

I still wrestle with a great deal of anxiety and I think it's just what I've always had going on inside me and the Klonopin made me less aware. The depression is not at all like it was while tapering. I have more good days than bad. My life off meds is vastly better than when I was on. It was the right choice for me.

 

I jumped off at 0.05 mg. It was either jump or stay on it for longer and I was ready to be done with it all!

 

I remember being where you are and how scared I was. But you can do it. Believe that you can do it and that life can be a heck of a lot better than how it is for you right now. You will feel so proud of yourself when you get there. Good luck! 

 

[[la...]]

Hi ladyh48. My two cents is that you should make the next step. I dropped to zero the day after I posted this and I don't regret it one bit. I think staying on the Klonopin was actually making me feel worse. I was noticing paradoxical effects. Finally taking that last leap was what I needed.

 

It was rough, but I didn't feel incredibly worse like I feared. I sort of stayed the same for awhile (depression, anxious thoughts), then I began to notice windows of feeling better. Then the windows got bigger and stayed longer.

 

I still wrestle with a great deal of anxiety and I think it's just what I've always had going on inside me and the Klonopin made me less aware. The depression is not at all like it was while tapering. I have more good days than bad. My life off meds is vastly better than when I was on. It was the right choice for me.

 

I jumped off at 0.05 mg. It was either jump or stay on it for longer and I was ready to be done with it all!

 

I remember being where you are and how scared I was. But you can do it. Believe that you can do it and that life can be a heck of a lot better than how it is for you right now. You will feel so proud of yourself when you get there. Good luck! 

 

 

Thank you for your 2 cents!   

 

I'm still debating and debating.  I was on Xanax for at least 15yrs so I know my receptors are not functioning right.... surely they can't be after that long.  The only reason I'm thinking about changing anything with the Klonopin is I'm really afraid to be on it too long.  I've only been on the Klonopin since Dec and started my taper in January.  My situation is so odd that I really don't know what to do.  I haven't had any Xanax since Jan 6th.  That's 3 good months of no Xanax in my system.  Granted the Klonopin was making up for it, but they "are" chemically different.  This has bothered me awhile debating this one in my head.  I'm trying to reason benzos.  Do you believe that one?      Staying on the K for continued taper would give my receptors more time to heal, but does the constant decrease of the Klonopin keep you from addiction??

 

How long had you been on Klonopin?   

 

My biggest fear is opening a can of worms that otherwise would have never shown up.     

 

Phyllis 

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I was on Klonopin for 11 years. I definitely knows what it feels like when a benzo has such a grip on you.

 

You've already made such progress with tapering Klonopin! In my case, I never quite stabilized during the taper, so it made sense to keep going. I knew I'd feel bad either way. Have you been feeling bad during your whole taper or have you had windows of feeling better?

 

If the depression is really bad, you might try holding your current dose for a week or so to see if you stabilize.

 

[[la...]]

I was on Klonopin for 11 years. I definitely knows what it feels like when a benzo has such a grip on you.

 

You've already made such progress with tapering Klonopin! In my case, I never quite stabilized during the taper, so it made sense to keep going. I knew I'd feel bad either way. Have you been feeling bad during your whole taper or have you had windows of feeling better?

 

If the depression is really bad, you might try holding your current dose for a week or so to see if you stabilize.

 

 

Actually, I'm on of the very lucky ones so far with nothing I can't handle and more open windows than most.  My worst is depression, agoraphobia and muscle pain.  In the last 19 days I've had about 3 benzo days.  The rest have been very tolerable.  The depression is being handled pretty much by the Zoloft.  Only on occasion does the benzo depression outdo the AD, and yesterday was one of those!

 

The fact that I'm not having more problems is the main reason I'm ready to jump ship.  *sigh* 

 

Today I cut, so I have until my afternoon dose to decide how big!   

 

 

Phyllis   

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It sounds like making a cut wouldn't be a bad thing for you since you seem pretty stable. How are you doing now?

[[la...]]

Hey Adie,

 

Still pretty stable.  I'm continuing to cut once a week despite my urge to go faster. 

 

I'm just scared of opening a magic can of worms!   

 

Love the way the benzos are so unpredictable!!

 

 

Phyllis   

[[Ju...]]

Hi AB

 

I am at almost the exact same place you are. I'm winding down on my taper and your post almost describes the two of us.

 

Needless to say that I wish we met under different circumstances 

 

One thing that has helped me is to remember that these are symptoms. Like the others have said, this is not an underlying condition resurfacing. One thing that has helped me quite a bit was to remember who I was before Benzo's. Anxious? Yes. But nothing like this. My underlying condition was never as bad as what I'm feeling now, and I have a feeling that this situation applies to you as well. That being the case, these cant be leftover symptoms.

 

Keep in mind that these are symptomatic feelings, as real as they feel. They will pass. For both of us...im sure of it.

 

As far as those "Why am I here" type questions...i've been getting those too. Try not to pay them any attention. Remember what were fighting for....to get back a piece of ourselves that has been given up.

 

Trust me, once were through this,healed and looking back...the reasons why were here will be more than abundant, and i'm sure we will be happier than ever to be here. 

 

Hang in there,

Mike

 

[[sa...]]

CONGRATULATIONS!! 

You are an inspiration!

There are challenges ahead but you have conquered the biggest obstacle to a better life!!

HOORAY!!!!!!!!

steph