An experience like no other

[[st...]]

PJ, Thankyou, for the above post sums up so much about me right now. I'm at 7 weeks off of Klon. and still I'm in shock at how bad I still feel. Last night my heart palpitations scarred me and still even when I sleep its not what I'm used to. I wake and feel jittery, and at any time I know a wave can come and really knock me down. Today I'm not in a window nor wave, but functioning ok.

 

I don't have a Dr who believes me and that doesn't make this easier for me, if I did at least they could say "Hey we did all the tests, there is nothing wrong and the Klon. recovery just takes this long."

I DO have this website and that and my Husband who belive what I've been through.

 

I pray and wish for the day to come when I can write me recovery story but until then these posts of encouragement are everything to me

 

Thank you,

Not Stillstuck...Im free just need to recover...Please let it be sooner than later

[[...]]

Hi stillstuck,

 

You're very welcome.  I'm sorry that you are dealing with those awful withdrawals.  Heart palpitations can be really scary, but try to relax - easier said than done, I know, but they are just another nasty symptom, that in time will go away.

 

If you had a doctor who believed you, and validated that you were indeed having withdrawals from the benzos, it wouldn't make your pain any less, but it sure would give your morale a much needed boost.

 

When I told my doctor that I thought I was beginning to have withdrawals from the Ativan that she prescribed for me, because at night my body would become flushed, very red, and extremely hot, her response was; "You just had too many covers on."

 

I was so disgusted that I dropped her like a bad habit, and I went cold turkey.  Not the wisest decision I ever made, but I survived, and went on to fully recover.

 

Seven weeks seems like an eternity when you are suffering from withdrawals, but considering that it can take a year or longer for some folks to recover, it's not all that long.

 

I hope you are like some of the more fortunate folks who heal sooner, rather than later.  The further along you are in your recovery, your windows should begin to be more frequent and your waves much less severe. 

 

You WILL be writing your success story.  Never give up in believing that it will  happen, because one day - it's going to happen.

 

The very best to you.

 

pj

 

edit spelling

[[...]]

hey my friend just stopped to say hi

[[...]]

Hi there, hoda

 

How are things with you?  Do you still feel completely recovered from your benzo experience?

 

I hope your family is doing okay in Egypt.  The situation there must be real hard on all of you.

 

I wish you guys all the best.

 

Your friend,

 

pj

[[...]]

I received the following PM from a member who is not only dealing with withdrawals, but also must take care of a young child. 

 

"I read your inspiring story I'm now 14 months off and dealing with head pressure dizziness weakness and leg buzzing I was only on for two months and ct. When you were healing when did you start noticing improvements I swore I healed at 11 months then was hit bad this summer.  Did you cut out caffeine was wondering if I should any advice would be greatly appreciated I'm hoping 15 months would be a turning point in getting discouraged"

 

I am sharing my response to that PM here, with their approval, because it is so typical of how, when a person can almost feel that they are so close to being recovered, a wave can quickly take away their confidence and replace it with discouragement - because they have been hoping and praying for such a long time that the scourge of benzo withdrawals was about to be over.

 

She is one of those SuperMoms, who are simultaneously suffering withdrawals, while caring for a young child. 

 

That Ain't Easy. 

 

To accomplish that formidable task ... those wonderful mothers have to be tougher than a ten penny nail on the inside, and softer than a fist full of cotton candy on the outside.

 

 

Hi,

 

At about 10 months, I was feeling pretty good, except for some painful neck and shoulder stiffness.  Shortly after that, the itching, the electrical sensations in my legs, and my being cold all the time came back - needless to say, I was pretty doggone discouraged.  Those symptoms hung around for about 2 months or so, and left, never to return. 

 

At 13 months off, I would have considered myself healed if it were not for the painful neck and shoulder stiffness that lingered on for such a long time.   

 

At 15 months off I was completely healed, and I wrote my success story.  That was some time ago, and none of my symptoms have  come back. 

 

I did drink 1 cup of coffee every morning, and it didn't seem to make my symptoms any worse.  I wasn't about to let the benzos deprive me of my morning cup of coffee, because it was the one thing during recovery that gave me some comfort and pleasure.  If a cup or two of coffee a day gives you some pleasure, and does not seem to affect you in a negative way - just go ahead and enjoy those peaceful moments of contentment that are synonymous with drinking a cup of coffee.

 

One of the first things we want to know in withdrawal is how long are we going to be hurting.

 

No matter how often we read where each person's experience with benzo withdrawals is different, we still tend to ask how long it will be before we can expect to be fully healed, because we want this over with. 

 

It's important not to read anything into how long it took someone to heal, versus how long it is taking you to heal, because you will begin to believe that you are worse off than everyone else.

 

Don't obsess over how long before you will be fully healed.  Plant the thought in your mind and in your heart that you WILL heal.  It is just a matter of time, because time is what heals us. 

 

It is time - and only time - that will heal a person from those dreadful withdrawals from benzos.  Some medicines may make you sleep a little better or make you feel a little better, but they cannot heal you from the damage caused by benzos.

 

Think about what you want to do when you have recovered; dream big because it's a wonderful distraction.  Just about everyone that I know who has healed from benzos has stated that because of the experience, no longer will anything stop them from doing something they have always wanted to do.

 

When this nightmare is finally over for you, you will most likely be living, and loving your life with a newfound appreciation for all those wonderful, little things in your life, that mean so much to you ... because it's those little things in life that give us the most contentment and satisfaction.

 

pj

 

 

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Excuse the interruption, PJ, of your most excellent thread of hope.

 

I just wanted to get in here while I could honestly say that OU is AHEAD of Notre Dame! That is SO rare. I'm betting you're watching the game. I will never see Notre Dame in action without thinking of you!

Flp

[[Fl...]]

Condolences, friend. 

[[...]]

The Sooners were much too fast,

the Irish they did outlast.

I won't whine,

and I won't pine ...

 

but miss Flip,

my dear ...

you just wait 

til' next year.

 

I'm glad Oklahoma won today.  I would love to see them go all the way and beat Alabama in the BCS National Championship game if it plays out that way.

 

Thank you so much for stoppin' by.  It has been cloudy here all day, but for a few minutes while I was reading your post the sun came out.  I'm not kidding, it was so bright, I had to pull the shades down. 

 

I always knew that your sunny disposition could chase away the clouds.  Today was proof of that.

 

You take care, Flip.

 

pj

[[mp...]]

hi pj, I miss playing word games - but I don't think I have the nack anymore. I miss Renny.

 

M. 

[[...]]

Hi, lady in green

 

I miss Renny, too.  Some night when I have lots of free time, I will log onto word games, and see if you still have it.  I would bet that you still do.

 

pj

 

 

[[...]]

Hi turtlegirl,

 

I don't post on BenzoBuddies so much anymore, but considering you to be a friend as I do, and who's progress I have followed for such a long time, I felt compelled to write a few words to you, in hopes that you will not ever give up on your desire, and in your determination to heal from your innocent, unwanted encounter with Ambien - no matter how long it takes you.

 

While reading one of your earlier posts, I could sense the urgency in your words in your wanting to find the answers as to why a little pill like Ambien did to you ... what it did to you.  I can sense that same urgency now, because it is taking so much longer for you to recover than you thought it would. 

 

There were many times when you felt that you were so close to being healed, only to have some of the symptoms return, symptoms you thought were gone forever.  There are no clear-cut  answers as to why some folks heal quicker than others or why our symptoms come and go like they do.

 

It was obvious to me, from the get go, that you were a gentle, loving person who was seeking validation, and some kind of understanding and reasoning as to why someone like you, someone who was prescribed Ambien by a doctor, and used for only a short time, should be experiencing all those unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. 

 

Whenever I responded to one of your posts, you were always so very kind, and appreciative. 

 

It would be so comforting, and reassuring for you, I know, if you knew exactly how long it will take for you to heal, but, as you know, benzos are much too unpredictable for that, so they just keep a person guessing, and guessing, and  wondering and worrying. 

 

All those thoughts and worries of when or if you will ever heal - please let them go, and replace them with thoughts of how wonderful, and alive you will feel when you have indeed healed, 

 

because as sure as the world will keep on turning, and as sure as the sun will keep on shining ... you will recover.  Now, those are pretty darn good odds.

 

The very best to you.

 

pj

 

 

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

I too do not come on BB much anymore (just in a different place in my healing process I guess).  You were always one that I could count on and turn to for support and hope.  Your friendship via BB thru this means so very much to me.

 

It is one more measure of how the universe unfolds as it should that I should find such a kind and personal post from my old pal PJ.  I just happened to have a few extra minutes while waiting for my daughter and I thought about catching up on your thread.  I felt so lucky to find such a kind message.

 

It has been a challenging couple of months.  I quit my hospital job (loved the people but the work did not suit me) and took a job as a librarian at a local elementary school.  Daughter left home to go to college as well.  Normally none of this would be too much, but my CNS reacted and could not handle it so well.  It was a rough 6-8 weeks.  Nearly as bad as the beginning.  I never missed a day of work (at the hospital or school - something I am very proud of - there were many mornings it would have been so easy to stay under my covers).  It was incredibly scary and difficult to navigate a new job while feeling the yucky anxiety and dizziness again.  My sweet mom went out of her way to see me through as did my cute family.  I am incredibly blessed.  While I still have trouble in the morning and things definitely ebb and flow symptom wise all day, I think things are improving.  The school job has been a wonderful thing for me.  I LOVE working with kids again.  It is where I am supposed to be.

 

This has been an incredibly tough journey.  Difficult to tease out at times what is Ambien induced and what might be anxiety from going through this ordeal.  I have come to the conclusion that at this point it does not much matter.  I just employ the tools that help me, lean on my friends from bb and my family and ride out the storms.  I pray it is all from Ambien and that in time all of this will evaporate.  In case it is not all from Ambien, I am learning tools to help me ride out the storms.  I get stronger emotionally, spiritually and physically every day.

 

It means so much that you keep "tabs" on me so to speak.  You are definitely one of the special ones PJ.  One day, hopefully soon, I will write that success story.  Just not quite there yet.  Keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers.  I am plodding to the finish line.

 

Please stay in touch.  I hope this finds you well PJ.  You have been a great support and friend to so many here.

 

Love,

TG

[[...]]

"Pausing to listen to an airplane in the sky, stooping to watch a ladybug on a plant, sitting on a rock to watch the waves crash over the quayside - children have their own agendas and timescales.  As they find out more about the world and their places in it, they work hard not to let adults hurry them.  We need to hear their voices." -- Cathy Nutbrown -- 

 

I must still be a kid, because I do all those things.

 

 

Hi turtlegirl,

 

Working with children has to be about the most rewarding and satisfying thing that a person can do in this world.  We try to teach them all about life, and through their wide-eyed innocence, they teach us what life is all about.

 

Your words tell me that all is quite well in your world, and that you are going to be okay. 

 

You have a wonderful, supportive family ... what a blessing that is. In the words of Jane Howard ... "Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.  Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."  Amen to that.

 

There are so many nice folks that I have met on this fantastic site who I will not soon forget.  You are definitely one of them. 

 

Peace and happiness to you, always.  You have fought long and hard - soon you will reap the rewards.

 

pj

 

 

[[...]]

"No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels alright

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No, you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life”

 

I don't know who to credit for writing the above words, but I believe they were written by someone who was being bullied.  After reading an article today about a beautiful young girl of twelve who committed suicide because of being bullied, a piece of my soul died, because this is not supposed to happen to kids who are just starting to feel their way around all the unknown twists and turns of life. 

 

During my time on this forum, I have read several posts written by folks, who, in their adolescent years, were bullied in such a cruel and extreme manner, that it was the reason why they resorted to taking benzos.

 

It used to be if a person was bullied at school, it pretty much ended there.  Once they were home they were in a safe environment where they were not bullied. 

 

Now, because of all the social media sites, and cell phone apps, there are  literally hundreds of people who have access to someone who is being bullied, and unfortunately, they cowardly join in.  Sadly, cyberbullying, in some circles, has become an acceptable place to do harm to others, in a deliberate, repeated, and hostile way. 

 

These folks would be wise to heed the words of Abraham Lincoln, who said: "I would rather be a little nobody, then to be an evil somebody."   

 

Some kids who bully are basically just plain mean, and down right disgusting.  Other kids, because of their immaturity, really don't comprehend the harm they are causing a kid who just wants to fit in, and be respected by their peers.

 

Bullies thrive on power.  The only way to effectively punish them is to demoralize them, and educate them about human decency and kindness.  Take away their access to all the social media sites, and hopefully they will  learn to have some empathy towards the one they have so mercilessly bullied, and to all folks in general.

 

One child verbally attacks another, then others join in, probably because they worry, justifiably so, that they will be the next target of the bullies, so to protect themselves, they pick the side of the bully.  All too often, if a child comes to the aid of the one being bullied, then they also become a target.

 

Parents, above anyone else, must be the one to supervise, to regulate, and to oversee what, and to who their child has access to on the internet or on their cell phones.

 

We, as members of a civilized, ever changing society - sometimes in ways that we do not agree with - must never again allow the loss of one more child, because of the hateful, spiteful, unkind, vile words spewed from the mouth of a bully. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

PJ you are amazing. I'm so glad I looked at your thread this evening. Feeling a little discouraged. I will always love the beautiful names that I've gotten to know On benzo buddies. Thank you for the hope. At two years and four months off I find myself pretty obsessed with how I feel and when it will end. I have learned many tools to be positive though. I am a high school teacher so I always took a big stand against bullying. People are pretty Fragile. Thank you for who you are 🐛🎶😎🐶🐠🐼🐰🙏🐢💝🎶🐾

[[...]]

Hi pan,

 

Thank you for your kind words, and thank you for taking a strong stance against bullying.  I want to share with you an experience that I had in grade school, relating to bullying.

 

On his first day at our school, when Richard, a shy little boy from Texas, was led into the classroom by my third grade teacher, Miss.Traxler - the kids began to snicker, and laugh at him. 

They were aghast at his dirty, disheveled appearance.  His hair was uncombed, his shirt was wrinkled and worn, his shoes were caked with dirt.  At recess, the other kids began to tease him and bully him.

 

I could sense, that more than anything else, he wanted to run and hide from the peering eyes - and the cruel, taunting words that pierced his tender heart like an arrow, and destroyed what was left of his rapidly eroding self-esteem. 

 

Having known many kids like him, because of my experience with foster homes, I went over and befriended him. 

 

At that moment in his young life, he needed a friend more than a flower needed the sun or the rain..

 

I will never forget that day or my teacher who addressed the class about bullying and acceptance.  It was like an epiphany.  The kids in the classroom, like most kids, when they are taught empathy and compassion were eager to do the right thing. 

 

In the days and weeks that followed, we all became good friends with Richard.

 

Vicious bullying of a child can destroy their very soul, and wound them forever.  It can take from them, any sense of who they are or what they might become.

Kids are indeed very fragile.  Their spirit can shatter easier than a piece of delicate crystal, and to put that shattered spirit back together again is not so easy to do.

 

The waiting and wondering when you will be completely recovered is indeed a  hard thing to do.  I'm glad that you are finding lots of ways to be positive.  It will make the time go much faster, and before you know it, you will be as free as the breeze, and happier than a pumpkin at Halloween.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you about the folks here at BenzoBuddies.  They are indeed some of the most caring, compassionate, and kindest people, I too, have ever encountered.

 

You take care now, pan, and thanks again for taking a stance against bullying.

 

pj 

[[...]]

While looking out my kitchen window on this beautiful Sunday morning, I was mesmerized to the point of almost being hypnotized by the beauty of the brightly colored leaves of red, yellow, and orange that were glistening in the warm sunshine as they gently floated down to the ground below. 

 

As my eyes scanned the lay of the land, I noticed a busy, bushy-tailed squirrel, who was gathering and then hiding it's cache of black walnuts which he would feast upon during the harsh winter months that would soon descend upon it's habitat, and bring with it a cold, lonely, foreboding stillness.

 

Like all nature's critters - big and small, that little squirrel accepted what it must do in order to survive.  It reminded me of how sometimes, by accepting things in our lives that we do not understand or that we do not have any control over, we can eliminate some of the anxiety, the doubt, the fear, and the worry that we, as humans, are bombarded with on a daily basis.

 

Acceptance can be such a huge factor in determining a successful recovery from the confusing, and painful - mental and physical symptoms that are a part of benzo withdrawal.

Choosing acceptance over resistance may not quicken the pace of recovery, but it can make the path to get there, a little bit smoother, and a whole lot less worrisome.

 

Acceptance, conviction, courage, and time are your best allies in the battle to be free from benzos.  Time - in conjunction with acceptance, conviction, and courage is the ultimate healer that will give your life back to you, and make you whole again.     

 

Some days, because of the agonizing pain, you have to dig way down to the core of your very existence to find the courage and the conviction to remain positive, and to stay the course ... when every fiber of your being begs for you to give in or to just give up.

 

Believe in the inate goodness of people and value the raw beauty of nature, because, by doing so, it can calm you and light up your darkest and loneliest days ... turning them into sunshine ... and always remember that, contrary  to what you may hear or what you may read, you will completely recover from your encounter with benzos. 

 

 

 

[[st...]]

Thank you for writing this today, it helped me. Hard day here, took a walk and stood in the sun.

 

3months and one week off of klon and I'm still being hit by such hard waves. Wondering when and if my window or me will return. Sometimes just wondering if something has gone wrong with my brain.

 

Not stillstuck anymore

Ann

[[...]]

Hi Ann,

 

You're welcome. 

 

I'm glad that you were able to go out for a walk.  A walk in the sunshine is sort of like nature's magical 'elixir for the soul'.   

 

Nothing is wrong with your brain.  The benzos would have you believe that there is, but time and patience will prove to you that your mind is indeed intact and working just fine.

 

Your windows will return, and they will become more frequent and longer lasting.  Those nasty waves that can make a person all jittery and depressed will eventually get shorter and shorter - a sure sign that you are healing and getting closer to a complete and lasting recovery. 

 

Take care  ... I hope you feel better real soon.

 

pj 

 

 

[[st...]]

Thank you PJ,

 

I hoping for a Window to come today. Some symptoms seem a bit better today.

 

Morning jitters and anxiety are a problem but milder then yesterday.

 

During a Window I don't have any symptoms. However during a wave I feel horrible with high anxiety, a racing mind and stomach issues of every type.

 

Dr's all seem to want to put me on a SSRI and I think its much to soon to consider this. I've never had anxiety or these symptoms until Klonopin and then worse when I began to taper and then worse when I jumped. My GP Dr says "Its generalized anxiety and the reason why I need a SSRI" I think its benzo withdrawal syndrome.

 

My last wave brought on a very dark thinking in depression and I still am not sure that a SSRI will not perhaps make me worse. I thought if I'm still like this in a year MAYBE then I'll consider

I walk briskly daily for 30 mins. I try to keep busy doing chores, meditate and take care of my family.

 

I'm 46 and I wonder if our age relates to healing time.

 

Thank you for any help in my questions,

Ann

(Not Still Stuck anymore)PS- I'm going to post this as a question to others here who have healed under recovery just to get more feed back but PJ I would like to know what you think as well

[[...]]

Good morning Ann,

 

Being forty-six years old in this day and age, is considered to be quite young.  I wouldn't worry about your age being a factor in your healing.  I don't think a person's age really matters all that much in the length of time it takes for them to heal.

 

If you never had an overabundance of anxiety or any of the other symptoms that you have described, before you were introduced to Klonopin, I would definitely shy away from taking any type of a SSRI drug right now.  Wait and see what your mental state is like once your withdrawals have ended.  All that you are describing points to the fact that what you are experiencing is indeed, benzo related. 

 

To add another drug into your body, in my opinion as a layman, would just confuse your already compromised CNS further, and prolong your healing.  I never tell anyone to go against their doctor, because that is a decision that doctor and patient must come to terms with, but in this situation, you have more insight into what is going on with you than your doctor probably does.

 

As far as having 'generalized anxiety', I think we all have some degree of it everyday, because we are humans - and being human, we were given the ability to think and to worry, and to wonder about the consequences of our actions -which gives us anxiety, but this is the good kind of anxiety, because it keeps us on our toes.  Of course, if one's anxiety is debilitating to the point of making them non-functional, they probably need an SSRI type of medication. 

 

Every time we head down the freeway during rush hour or white - knuckle our way driving through a blinding snow storm or worry about a sick child - if we didn't have some generalized anxiety, we must be comatose.

 

Keep on walking, keep on meditating, keep on taking care of your family, and most importantly take good care of yourself and try to take time everyday to do the things that you enjoy doing.

 

You are going to be right as rain, because you have a good, stout handle on your situation, and you have a good understanding of what you must do in order to succeed in reaching that finish line, where a complete and lasting healing awaits you.

 

Have a very good day. 

 

pj

[[st...]]

Thanks so much PJ

 

What you wrote matches my Gut feeling and I think my CNS just needs more time to heal without dumping more of anything chemical on it.

 

I'll try to keep my focus on moving forward and I do have a BCT who is on my side about this not needing a SSRI and he has said he sees an improvement as well.

 

So as TIME goes by I hope to heal its not at the speed I would want but I will try my best to deal with these waves and keep my focus on what is important when my thinking is blurred.

 

Thank you again,

((HUGS))

Ann

 

PS- Pretty sure I'm heading into a nice Window as my symptoms are going away and I'm feeling so much better right now then I have in MANY days.

[[...]]

I am so pleased that you are feeling better, Ann.    If it is indeed a window headed your way, I hope it hangs around for a very long time.

[[Ja...]]

Just wondering when you felt like your symptoms were going away? Did they fade out for months and then one day you woke up and they were gone? I am 1 year and 1 week out. I still have vibrations, burning and muscle aches every other day. The other day for about 30 plus hours I am fine. My symptoms are changing and lessening at times. It just seems to always come back. I need to have the faith that this will end soon. It is so relentless and disturbing. Pattylu suggested I read your thread. Just thought I would write you, too. It will be a wonderful day when this ends. So glad you are better.

[[...]]

Just wondering when you felt like your symptoms were going away? Did they fade out for months and then one day you woke up and they were gone? I am 1 year and 1 week out. I still have vibrations, burning and muscle aches every other day. The other day for about 30 plus hours I am fine. My symptoms are changing and lessening at times. It just seems to always come back. I need to have the faith that this will end soon. It is so relentless and disturbing. Pattylu suggested I read your thread. Just thought I would write you, too. It will be a wonderful day when this ends. So glad you are better.

 

Hi Jazzy,

 

Jazzy, healing for me, just like it is for most folks, was a gradual process, filled with many false hopes, and uncertainties.  Every time when I thought that some of my symptoms were gone forever ... as sure as it snows in the Rocky Mountains, they came back.

 

The strange, and unpredictable way in which those withdrawals came and went for me, lasted for a little over one year, until finally, ninety percent of them were gone.  A stiff neck, and the burning muscle pain in my right shoulder were the last to leave, finally disappearing at fifteen months.

 

Then, It Was All Over. 

 

All my symptoms were gone, and they have never returned.

 

One day, and I hope that day comes very soon - when those relentless and disturbing symptoms will end for you, too - just as they did for me, and for so many other fine folks. 

 

I know that it is so very hard to believe that those symptoms will ever end, especially when the pain of withdrawals can leave you just 'twisting in the wind' like a rag doll on a clothesline ... constantly wondering if, and when you will heal, and continually worrying that you won't heal.  But who knows, withdrawals being so unpredictable, you could be completely healed by the end of next week.   

 

The uncertainty, and the not knowing just how long it takes to heal would be a mute point, if healing from the benzos was like healing from a broken arm, where we know for certain, within a few days, just how long it takes to be healed.  But, as you know, recovering from benzos where there is no definite timeframe when we can expect to be fully recovered, is what makes the withdrawal process so confusing and maddening.

 

Always believe that you will recover and when you do recover ... if you trace the footsteps of the many folks who have gone on to heal before you ... like them, you will experience life with a newfound calmness, confidence, and serenity. 

 

The very best to you, and please give my regards to pattylu.

 

pj